christag's picture

The Sainted Late Wife vs the Crazy BM

Everyone makes it out like it's so easy to be stepparent when the BM/BF is deceased but that's the furthest from the truth. Dealing with a sainted LW (late wife) is even more difficult.

No one who's divorced calls their previous spouse their soulmate.

Anyone ever wondered if their DH loved crazy BM more than them?

No one who's divorced has to deal with comparisons to the LW who after death becomes a perfect saint who did no wrong and everyone wants to talk about how wonderful she was. Even right in front of you.

Anyone have to have pictures of the crazy BM in their house? But pictures of the LW, family pictures with the LW are everywhere. Skids have nervous breakdowns over their father taking down pictures of their mother.

You don't need to celebrate or commemorate crazy BM's birthday or anniversary.

Even worse than a crazy BM is a former MIL who is distraught over her former Son-in-Law remarrying. But if there are minor kids, she's still involved in your life and you can't get rid of her. Nor can you stop her alienating the skids.

In a divorce, crazy BM takes all of her stuff. Wives of widowers get to deal with boxes of her junk in the basement or even worse her clothing still in the closet.

You can tell skids to STFU about BM. You can't tell skids to STFU about how wonderful their mom was and if you do, they will claim you hate their mother.

It's perfectly fine to hate crazy BM. Saying you hate the LW sounds rude. I'd love to be able to openly trash the LW the way the most of you trash BMs.

Anything you say that is remotely negative or expressive a less than positive opinion about anything the LW said, did or wore will be held against you by your skids. Saying you don't like the wallpaper their mother put up gets called insulting their mother's memory.

How do many wives of widowers make it work? Almost becoming a plural marriage type of situation where they accept that their husband loves another woman and they convince the skids that they love the sainted LW and worship her with them. Barf!

I'd take a drug addicted crazy BM who's in jail any day over a sainted LW.


hatemydad's picture

You are giving the stepbrats

You are giving the stepbrats too much powers.

christag's picture

Unfortunately, society gives

Unfortunately, society gives these brats too much power.

A common situation is the problem with taking down photos of the LW. The stepbrat cries about the pictures being removed. Who do people side with? The stepmom gets labeled an evil b*tch whose jealous and the poor skid is the victim who feels like their mother is being forgotten and replaced.

My skids haven't stepped foot in our house in 7 years so they have no idea what pictures there are or aren't right now. They refuse to have anything to do with me and have basically disowned their father.

My DH insists on keeping some up for appearances because he believes if guests see we don't have pictures, they will feel he is not honoring her memory.

And if by some chance his kids suddenly walked in, they would see he was a good widower and has his shrine to the LW ready to show them.

There are certain standards for what people believe a widower should and shouldn't do that not only skids judge them on but family, friends, neighbors. They all empower skids to act like entitled brats.

My skids get nothing but support from everyone around them that they are 100% justified in the way they treat their father and I because he hasn't fit the mould of a good widower.

StepAside's picture

I'm not sure if your DH is a

I'm not sure if your DH is a "good widower", but he's definitely one helluva a good martyr.

Like hell if I'd keep anyone's pics on our walls solely for the sake of appearances. Your peace is worth more than their opinions. It should be to your DH as well.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

agreed*

agreed*

Honey0329's picture

I feel so sad for you. My

I feel so sad for you.
My husband's ex is out of the picture. We have sole custody of his daughter. He doesn't glorify his ex wife, but he glorify and view his daughter as the ONLY person who is important to him.

His excuse, "My daughter only has me now." Like me and my unborn child don't mean anything.

I don't have any answers for myself, I just know I cannot tolerate this marriage for another second. I am planning my future. I rather be a happy single mother. I refuse to put myself behind his child. If I could tolerate it before, I cannot do it now because my little one will come along. I will give my child the life he deserves.

Stepmoms are the most misunderstood by society. Our needs never mean anything because we are adults, those are kids. NO matter what, we cannot even be tempted to try to "reason" with stepkids. Children are innocent, they cannot do anything wrong. My husband always tells me, "I know you don't like to hear it, but my daughter did not choose this."

I cannot put up with this guilt anymore. I owe nobody anything.

tweetybird74's picture

I think if this is really how

I think if this is really how you feel and you cannot respect that fact that your partners wife died and the children lost their mother, they did not choose this and likely would still be together if she were still alive, then maybe this is not the right relationship for you? Maybe you have no compassion or empathy, I am not sure. Or maybe you need to put yourself into their shoes and think how you would feel if your DH died!

StepAside's picture

I think you're the one who is

I think you're the one who is lacking compassion and empathy. I think many SANE people grieve the death of their parents without intentionally rubbing their stepparent's faces in the dirt indefinitely. Grieving is one thing. Using grief as AN EXCUSE to treat someone poorly is cruel and disrespectful.

The OP's actions don't indicate that she's not respectful of BM's passing. She still has BM's belongings in her house, still dealt with pictures of her on the walls, still listens to everyone go on and on about her. If she had no empathy, she could have had a fire sale, gotten rid of all signs of BM and told them all to shut up about her.

I do not think how the OP feels has anything to do with her respecting the fact that anyone died. I think that is an extremely narrow-minded, harsh judgment of someone who has been through enough punishment already.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

christag's picture

The problem is if the LW

The problem is if the LW didn't get cancer, she and DH would have been divorced. I know that for an absolute fact. But history gets rewritten to turn her into a saint.

DH can't say anything negative. He can't admit to anyone about the problems in their relationship or else everyone will gossip behind his back and he and I must have been together while his wife was dying.

But I will admit I no longer have any sympathy what so every for my skids because of how SD was so vicious to my son when she was living with us. Everyone tries to make excuses that it was only a few months after her mom died but that does not excuse her behavior to my son who has a disability. I don't care what he did to her, she was 10 years older than him. My son had a very difficult time adjusting to me remarrying and SD made things even worse for him.

It doesn't matter if their mother died or not, they don't get to treat people like that especially not my kids. Once they attacked my kids, I was in full mama bear mode.

Honey0329's picture

No matter what, the husband

No matter what, the husband chose to remarry to another woman! He needs to respect her feeling, and listen carefully of what she has to say. Her needs must be met. The second wife is not the one who caused the death of the birth mother, she is not the one who caused divorce, she owes the stepchildren nothing!

I agree that it doesn't matter if their mother died or not. Having an absent bio parent does not give these children any rights to act like disrespectful spoiled brats. My husband always side with my stepkid, in his eyes, she can never do anything wrong.

I am now three months pregnant, nobody cared how I feel, it is always stepkid. I am sorry, I am not perfect, I am only human. I have needs too. My child is not going to be put second.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

My own mom married a man who

My own mom married a man who had 2 kids and their mom commited suicide.

I think it is up to 25 YEARS later, the eldest son, aged 34 years old, JUST MOVED OUT.

It was unfreaking real. The two kids were very manipulative. My mom pretty much raised the two of them and they treat her like shit.

SMof2Girls's picture

Having lost both of my

Having lost both of my parents and then forced into a foster care situation, I totally understand where you're coming from.

I remember being that kid .. I remember feeling completely distraught that the world did not stop to acknowledge my deceased parents, or what I was going through as a result.

The difference? I got my butt kicked (literally) into gear by two very rough foster parents. I got 3 months of the therapy and then it was expected I move on. I did, in my own way. I wasn't allowed to make excuses or slack off or do anything that resembled a pity party.

Now, I wouldn't recommend THAT route, but the point is, there IS a middle ground. Grieving is a step-process, and it sounds like this family is stuck. It won't change if they don't seek help. And I wouldn't recommend sticking around if they refuse to try. DH needs to be on board with you and acknowledge everything you feel. He needs to understand that it is NOT HEALTHY to dwell like he's doing, and allowing his kids to do.

Should you trash LW? Absolutely not (I know you wouldn't really do that anyway) .. but I think it's time you make it clear that something has to change .. or you're out.

*~* Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder *~*

~*~ Examine what you tolerate. ~*~

phoenix410's picture

Well said. Marriage is about

Well said.

Marriage is about middle ground. I think it needs to be acceptable for them to remember the LW, but not create shrines around the house or talk about her all the time, or make comparisons between the two of you! Have an honest heart-to-heart about it. If things don't change, maybe reconsider the relationship.

hereiam's picture

Sounds to me like the problem

Sounds to me like the problem is your husband.

Why would you love to be able to trash his late wife or say that you hate her? I think you are resenting the wrong person.

christag's picture

I'm so sick of hearing about

I'm so sick of hearing about how wonderful the LW was when it's all lies and bullshit. Most of the SMs on here get to trash BM. I'd love to call the LW a fat cow that inflected so much pain and suffering on her family. Even on WoW forums you can't vent like that.

With divorced parents, eventually kids who worship their bioparents grow up and realize their parents were POS. But my skids are stuck in mommy-worship for the rest of their lives. Everything their mom did is perfect in their eyes. They will never wise up and realize what their mom did to them or how badly she damaged their father.

hereiam's picture

Ok, I didn't realize you knew

Ok, I didn't realize you knew her and what kind of a person she was.

Well, you are right, the kids will never want to remember her any other way besides perfect. However, that is no excuse to treat you badly nor is it an excuse for your husband to keep his late wife's things and all the other bullshit he's putting you through. He should not have gotten remarried if he is going to keep living in the past.

He is totally disrespecting you. But I still stand by what I said, you should be upset with HIM. He is allowing all of this to go on.

christag's picture

Things have gotten worse with

Things have gotten worse with my Dh living in the past in the last few years since he reconnected with his kids. He was ready to move on when his wife died. He had spent 10 years preparing for her death and the last 2 years were a living hell for him. He wanted to move on and have a normal life as soon as the funeral was over.

I thought I was one of the lucky WoW who didn't have to deal with these things. The kids haven't stepped foot in our home in over 7 years and were completely estranged for 5 years. During those 5 years it was like they didn't exist.

Now my DH feels pressured to conform to some standard to show that he isn't what others think he is and to apologize to those who were upset that he remarried so soon after his LW died.

phoenix410's picture

Hey, you're among friends

Hey, you're among friends here! Tell us the dirty truth about her Eye-wink If she were still alive, the truth is still the truth. I don't think anyone on here is going to judge you just because she is no longer around to torture your husband. This is a safe place Smiling

Scubed's picture

I agree! ^^ Sounds like OP's

I agree! ^^

Sounds like OP's DH is a "guilty daddy" whether the wife is dead or alive.

I like the old days, when we drank too much and called people names. LOL -- Aggravated1

christag's picture

To be clear, everything I

To be clear, everything I listed in the OP are generalizations of all complains all WoW have about widowers. Guilty daddy describes all widowers with children.

Most widowers keep shrines and most WoW fight over getting rid of them and the accusations of being a jealous bitch when they do. Or, at least the widowers who's wives are compelled to find a forum to complain about their widower.

What I hate about the "success" stories of blended families with widowers is how wives of widowers are encouraged that that only way to successful is to embrace the late wife, help the kids build memorials and picture displays to put up in your living room, tell them every day about how wonderful you think the LW was and encourage them to write letters to her and bullshit like that. That's the type of advice that SMs in widowers situations get.

Abel Keogh, who's written several books on dating/marrying widowers, is more sensible, but he's a Mormon and highly religious and his pregnant wife killed herself and the baby and he certainly doesn't want pictures of her anywhere. But he's the only voice of sanity out there for widowers. All other books either say to cater to the stepbrats or being a SM when the BM is deceased is a perfect situation and so easy. That's complete garbage.

christag's picture

Here's the problem faced by

Here's the problem faced by widowers.

I just read that William Petit, that man who's wife and daughters were brutally murdered in a home invasion robbery, is getting remarried. He runs a foundation in memory of his LW and daughters.

Is he expected to taken down the pictures of his wife? People would be outraged if he did. How do you think his new wife feels about that?

Will he stop his foundation and public speaking about his wife's death? Of course not. But his new wife is going to be expected to deal on a daily basis about hearing about the love of her husband's life - his former wife.

If after getting remarried, he stops participating in the foundation, takes down all the pictures and never speaks of his LW again and moved on properly with his life, how badly will he be bashed for not remembering his LW?

ownedbypedro's picture

What's your take on this guy,

What's your take on this guy, who makes his living (and I imagine a very good one at that) because of the death of his first wife?

http://www.10seconds.org/about-bobby-petrocelli.php

He has been married to his second wife for 18 years and they have two children. She must be a better woman than I am.

Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.

Honey0329's picture

We as stepparents have to

We as stepparents have to accept the fact that our spouses' exes will always be in our lives. Dead, divorced, absent, it doesn't matter. Stepkids are constant reminder of the past.

When I first married my husband, I had to process all the informations, resolve my issues, and dealing with all the disappointments all by myself. I kept my emotions in check and my sorrow hidden.

I told myself everyday this is not my stepkid's fault. She did not choose me and I didn't choose her. So the very least we could do is to respect and get along with each other.

For the longest time, I thoght I have done a great job. I quit my job (hintsight being 20/20, now I realized it was not a very smart move). I stayed at home taking care of her. Now I am three months pregnant, my husband acts like my unborn doesn't belong to him. He gave his daughter even more attention. I cannot figure out why. The only answer he can come up with is that, "This new child will always have two parents to love him, but my daughter only has me."

He decided to be the "perfect" father for his daughter, as a result, he will be a lousy dad for my unborn baby. He is forcing me to take sides, he is forcing me to choose, and whose side will I be taking? Who will I give my undivided attention to? Take a wild guess? Sorry, I love my bio more.

His fault, not mine.