blueluvr's picture

BFF?????

My DH and SD are best friends, to the point it is a little creepy. She is 25, and just moved back home after living in another state with her mother. She has a cat, which I adamantly did NOT want back in my house (before she left the cat pee'd in a basket full of my clothes), so it is not allowed to leave her room. As a result, she spends alot of time in there, with my DH, with the door closed so the cat doesn't get out. There is no chair, so he just lays on her bed. They talk about their day and whatever else. I hate to say it, but I am super jealous! Of course my DH says how stupid it is that I am jealous of his BD, but of course I am! He is sharing things with her that he should be sharing with me. I am his wife, why wouldn't he want to tell me about his day? I just found out that the last 2 years she was living in another state, he would call her every day on his way home and do the same thing. These are calls I never knew about, so these don't count the ones on his lunch break, and the ones every night after dinner. Three times a day he was calling her, I don't talk to anyone that much! Am I crazy? He seems to think I am, tells me every day how crazy I am. I am starting to believe him.


Rags's picture

I understand your hurt and

I understand your hurt and concern. Your DH has misplaced sharing his life with his wife and transferred that to his daughter.

That said, like your DH, I use my commute time to keep in touch with friends and family. Primarily I speak to my mom and dad daily, or at least I did before I took an expat assignment.

The difference is that I told my wife about every conversation and asked her about her talks with her family and friends.

We share. Even the things that are similar to what your DH is doing.

I am not sure how to give your DH clarity on the requirement that he share his life with you including the executive summary of his conversations with his DD.

If he does not, I would not forecast a long marriage.

He needs clarity on this and he needs it now. So tell him.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy.-Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR

If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

dtzyblnd's picture

Oh Rags! I wish I could have

Oh Rags! I wish I could have you sit my husband down and tell him that!
The one issue that I've ever had with him that didn't deal directly with
SS10 is the fact that he doesn't share things about his family. I always
tell him hey talked to mom/dad/sister/brother today, etc...I always ask
have you talked to your sister/mother/father lately? He will lie and say
no, and then when I eventually talk to them, they innocently tell me that
they just talked to him, etc...KILLS ME! Like I'm some hidden secret! Eye-wink

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!
Be Polite, Be Professional, and have a plan to kill everybody you meet ~ General Mad Dog Mattis USMC

Rags's picture

I was editing my above

I was editing my above response when Ditz replied to my post so my edits would not take. Here is the gist of what I added.

We also share our day when both get home in the afternoon. I am more of a detail sharer than she is but we do update each other on our day.

We spent the first 17 years of our marriage raising our son together (My SS-20). We started dating when he was 15mos and married before he turned 2yo. We have been empty nester DINKS for 16 months and we are loving it. It has been an adjustment for us both since from day one raising my SS has been a major priority of our marriage and the family that the three of us are.

Your SD needs to get out on her own .... NOW! 25 is far older than she needs to be to free your dad up to live his life, commit to his marriage and focus on the two of you rather than on his DD. She will never be a viable adult unless he tosses her out of the nest. My SS left at 18 with some urging of his mom and I and he is now a self supporting young adult with his own life, his own career and his own plan for the future. At 25 your SD has none of this if I had to guess.

Just my thoughts of course.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. Not a buddy.-Rags

If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR

If you want to be a piece of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

hatemydad's picture

Ban her from the home.

Ban her from the home.

hatemydad's picture

OK it can accomplish with SD

OK it can accomplish with SD not being there forcing DH to notice his wife and pay attention to her. treating like the wife she is instead of mini wife SD.

hatemydad's picture

Im not a SM what is a mini

Im not a SM what is a mini wife exactly? Daughter who is takes on the role of wife and would treat daddy like a husband and daddy who treats daughter like a wife? Have unusually clingy behavior, rely on that person for emotional support?

dtzyblnd's picture

No you aren't crazy. Any

No you aren't crazy.
Any healthy strong relationship is based on confiding in each other first.

You share your day with your child, no matter what age, after you talk to your spouse.
That's the way the world works. Spouse is the #1 priority, kids the #1 responsibility,
and in your case with an adult skid, she's not even much of a responsibility these days,
she should be her own responsibility now.

If your husband goes straight to his daughter first, then he's got a problem. Not you.
He should walk in and want to see his wife first and foremost.

I think it's time for the daughter to spread her wings and fly out of your home and build
her own life.
****

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!
Be Polite, Be Professional, and have a plan to kill everybody you meet ~ General Mad Dog Mattis USMC

blueluvr's picture

Ok, I should probably set

Ok, I should probably set something straight. My husband is from Italy, both of his kids were born there, so living at home while an adult is totally normal for them. His niece is 32 and still lives at home in Italy.

I wouldn't mind that she was here, but she does not respect that this is my house, and she is living here. I have tried to explain that while it will always be her "home" and she is always welcome here, but it is not her house. She has no say in what happens here, and outside of her bedroom, no space. She started unpacking things in my kitchen, and I am a big time cook. My kitchen is my space, my sanctuary, I could, and have, spent all day there and be happy. Now, there is a giant toaster oven on my counter, taking up space, and is totally in the way. She brought a dog, and a cat with her when she moved in. I said no way, and initially, my husband agreed with me, then he told her yes. That is what he does, he agrees with me in our bedroom, and as soon as he leaves, he changes his mind so he doesn't hurt her feelings.

Now, I can't even be upset with her because she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. My husband encourages her behavior, so she thinks it is ok. When I complain about something he always says "I don't see what the big deal is. Why can't we just have peace in the house." I want to punch him in the face when he says that!!!!

sandye21's picture

Your DH is the one who is

Your DH is the one who is 'patso' (crazy) - this is emotional incest in any country. My HD's family is from Italy too. We have visited them often. They do not share a bed with their daughters. I know in my DH's family it would be frowned upon. The marriage is first priority, and disrespect for parents is not allowed. I do have to say divorce is not as common there so it is hard to know how they would treat a SM.

Orange County Ca's picture

End of the tale is this close

End of the tale is this close knit Italian family sees nothing wrong with Daddy and Sissy sharing their lives more closely than you are comfortable with. And they're not changing and are tired of hering about it

Remind Daddy that he's in America now and kids who are not full time students pay rent. This is because we are a independent people who expect their children to be the same. Appropriate rent for one bedroom with kitchen/bathroom privlidges can be found in the newspapers or Craigslist type advertising.

If he won't do that you'll have to make a decision. Live with it or leave. Meanwhile you can say that the kitchen machine is in the way, sorry but it'll have to be stored in her bedroom.

******************

I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.

blueluvr's picture

If it were that cut and dry,

If it were that cut and dry, I would have left. He always chooses her, when she is here. When it is just us, he is the perfect husband. He helps me clean and cook, he pays all the bills, he is a great role model for my 2 boys, and he loves them very much. He is attentive, and tells me every day that he loves me. He texts me, and send me sweet messages about how lucky he is to have me in his life. He takes me out, or watches movies cuddled on the couch. Even with the 3 boys (2 mine and 1 his) he is very attentive and loving to me.

But, when the SD shows up, it is like I don't exist. She is his world, and she is 25. He treats her like she is 4. He assures me she is not staying long. Just a few weeks to save up money and move in with a friends, but I don't believe him. He will try to convince her to stay, it is what he does.

He is like two different people: there is my loving husband, and there is the weird creepy overprotective father of a daughter.

BuffaloGal's picture

I don't want to talk to

I don't want to talk to ANYBODY 3 times a day - gah! Even when DH & I were first dating, that would have been too much for me. WTH do they find to talk about?

All I can tell you is, if it's bugging you having her there, you need to be upfront about it - ignoring it and hoping she'll move out eventually will kill you. As lovingly as you can, you need to try to tell him that you have no objection to helping the SD a bit (cross your fingers behind your back a little if you have to Eye-wink ) but that YOU AND DH need to agree when she is leaving, and then the SD needs to be informed of the decision. NOT he talks to SD and then reports to you how long she's staying. They probably both need to be reminded that it is YOUR and DH's house, and anybody staying there is a GUEST of BOTH OF YOU. That's the tricky part. Good luck to you, girlie!