My first intro post: http://www.steptalk.org/node/76111 in order for all of you to understand my situation better.

"Our unborn will always be loved by both parents, my daughter can only be truely loved by me. So maybe we ought to give her full attention."

"Of course not, but he/she will have both of us, my daughter only has me."

Does his daughter not have a mother? I didn't read the entire thing, but why does his daughter "deserve" the parental love from 3 parents?

Have you guys tried marriage counseling - there was a great post today about a therpaist helping a dad see vactions differently in light of a having a blended family. Totally different topic I know - but, sometimes they canhelp both parties have a different perspective on what is going on.

Loving a new baby doesnt mean the older children are loved any less - if that was so traditional families would only have one kid and stop. Your husband has on blinders and is missing out on the love of his baby by beleiveing this way.

He is also creating another entitled shitty kid and trust me, there are enough crappy kids in the world that he doesnt need to add to the headcount.

I think he rushed into relationship with you without fully getting over his first marriage and his divorce. He does need therapy, but you can't force him. The situation might get better but he has to be open for that.

Even if his DD does nto have a mother there is no such thing as "deserve" to have 3 parents.

My DH also thinks that somehow his DDs deserve special treatment because their mother is a raging alcoholic. It is like my DD does not need to be cuddled because both her dad and mom are normal people. This is crazy!

Another guilty daddy, in the making here and I have some sad news for you, your baby will live in the shadow of guilt, of the older one. Get used to feeling like a single mom or just leave him. I KNOW when you are pregnant, you want to try so hard. BTDT

You are like; " Hello?! Can't you see this beautiful baby and woman beside you now that really want to love you and NOT just take you to the cleaners?" !

Please reconsider your position on counseling. If you've not tried it, you really can't knock it, right?

I really, truly believe it could help you both, but at the very least it could help you. Hell, frame it in the context of how good it would be for his daughter's sake if you two sought family counseling, if he thinks she's so damaged from the divorce.

If you think you are in a bad place now, which I don't blame you and do really feel sorry for your situation, you could be in a much worse, even dangerous place after the baby comes. Post partum depression can be very real. I personally suffered from it with both kids, but especially while going through something traumatic after the birth of my first.

Please, please see a counselor. They are not just for "crazy" people. They are trained professionals who are skilled at helping you organize and work through the tangle of feelings you have going on. They are skilled at helping you create life goals and executing plans, whether this turns out to be staying or leaving. A counselor could also be a safety net for you during the really hard times to come, especially post partum.

And, since I always like to throw this in, it couldn't hurt to read Stepmonster. Helps you understand the care and feeding of the Guilty Daddy.

In my honest opinion: I would start preparing my EXIT now while the baby is still comfy in your belly and you can lug him/her around as you prepare.
Being a single mother is NOT as bad as people make it sound. Is it hard? YES. Will living with a partner that treats you like sloppy seconds be easier? NOPE. Single motherhood will be easier.
You have a supportive family and are an independent woman who can probably be fine all by yourself. Find yourself a good man that will love you and your baby and don't stay stuck in that mess. You and your baby deserve better. Good luck.

Honestly, the above poster is right. At least when you are a single mom, you have the place to yourself and are not having to feed another mouth and try to make them happy.

Although not directly, my DH indirectly let me know the same originally. With that, I began to find as many books and articles I could about the importance of DADs vs. MOMs in a child's life. I also focused, he was a boy, on getting them things together at birthdays, etc. matching shirts, blah, blah, blah...everything to help him feel closer to the child. Although that sometimes worked, he still felt "bad" for his daughter...however, I once had a heart to heart with him and basically said..."ok, you know the importance of a dad in a kid's life...how it impacts them, etc...right?" he agreed...but still had the whole skid thing in his mind. With that I said "ok, so if you feel that you have messed up ONE kid by you not being there blah, blah, blah...WHY ON EARTH do you want to mess up a SECOND kid? Don't you think it would be best to be there in the SAME WAY for both of them and at least have the hope that ONE of your kids isn't as messed up as the first? Or would you rather have one messed up kid because of your divorce and another whose parents are not divorced, but that is messed up because daddy didn't care enough about them because he only tried to rescue the first?" After that, I think he got it. It didn't mean he couldn't be there for his first kid, but it did mean that he understood that there was only so much he could do for the first, but being with the second every day, there were things that he could do to really mess him up or help him succeed. He chose to be there for our son, treat him the same, do special things with him, etc. and ensure that he has the most awesome relationship with his son, instead of leaving him behind and only worrying about his daughter. Again, he still tried to be there for his daughter, but NOT at the expense of his son. He knew that there was only so much he could do for his daughter if he wasn't with her 24/7 and although he continued to try, he was able to let go of the guilt and to be there for our son just as he deserved as well.

Good luck.

Great advice!

his ex wife and I used to work at the same company. We are very civil with each other. According to her, (again, I was not there, so I could only take her words for it), my husband was very stubborn and never took no for an answer.

He is a very responsible man, but he is not the "romantic" type. I used to tell him to be a bit affectionate and romantic, he was okay for a while (a week), then went back to his old self.

It is always "Either my way, or no way." ALso, he doesn't take criticism well at all.

You and his ex describe the same man. You didn't notice that. Did you notice he happened to be the same man you married? He never was the man you want him to be. We women have a tendency to fall in love and think everything will be like the fairy tale. When the blinders come off and we see our own reality, we don't like it and it's not what we want. In the meantime, we discover how we participated in building a life in real life. You're now thinking your hsuband won't be such a wonderful father to your child, but he never was to his own child either since there were discipline problems from the start. All the love and attention didn't make him a good dad. That he was never attentive, loving, and romantic with you didn't make him husband material, so I don't understand where you want his concern for your pregnancy to come from. Now that he has come right out and woken you from the fantasy, you feel deceived, but he was the same guy all the while. I know you see this as lecturing since I'm not bashing your husband, sympathizing with you, and telling you how right you are. I'm pointing out that you made mistakes too. He is wrong, but my point is that he's been wrong - wrong for you - from the beginning, while you made the mistake of marrying the man you wanted him to be and not the man that he is. Most women are that way and then want suggestions for what they see as him being the problem. Now, you're hurt and frustrated and confused as to what to do about it.

What to do about it is to first stop being hurt and frustrated and confused. He is not the way he is just to hurt and frustrate you. It doesn't make him terrible to be the way he is. He is not abusive to you. He is not being mean to you. Basically, all this means is you don't have your knight in shining armor and you don't like that reality. He is wrong in the way that his guilt has driven him to spoil his daughter. He is wrong to think spoiling her and expecting your marriage to revolve around her is the way to conduct a marriage or is conducive to creating a good life together as a family. He just has to see that he's wrong, but you can't be the one to show him though. Someone else has to make him understand that his wife and marriage come first. You are supposed to be the other adult in the house. You are supposed to be the second head of household. You are supposed to be the other half of a united front. This means the children in the house do not run the house. The children don't get all the attention. The children are disciplined and put in their place, and the wife isn't expected to live by his approval and permission as if she is less than one of the children. He has to be made to understand that. As far as him being the affectionate and romantic type, you may never get to have that with him. You knew you were not marrying a man who is affectionate and romantic. It is imperative though for you to demand respect. The only way to demand respect is to not tolerate his disrespect.

The next thing to do is decide the life you want. You did what most women do by following the man's lead thinking he loves you, when he has no idea how to love you the way you need to be loved. Decide what you want, and then decide to either demand more from your husband or to leave and find happiness elsewhere. The child may be his daughter, but this is not HER marriage. It is yours, and you cannot be expected to live by his edicts, which is to cater to his daughter and let her run the show.

When you make your decision of what you want, you have to tell him what you want, what you expect of him, and what you expect of the marriage. Tell him, and then ask him if he is willing to give that to you on a continual basis (not just a week or two). If he agrees, then tell him he HAS to attend both marriage counseling with you and parenting classes with you. He will resist and argue that he's agreeing to be the kind of husband you are asking him to be, but he refuses to attend counseling and classes. You have to impress upon him then that they go hand-in-hand because he has no idea what he is agreeing to - that he's just agreeing to appease you. It is clear if he knew how to be the husband you need him to be, then he's been holding out on you......or he simply does not know how and that means the marriage needs counseling.

He likely will still refuse. He has given you the usual but lame reasons most men give about marriage counseling. It means he is refusing to change, which also means he has no intention of keeping his word for the first part that he agreed to. At this point, you have to tell him the marriage depends on the two of you attending counseling and classes.

(This is letting him know you will leave if he continues refusing to learn how to make it better. I must submit right here that you cannot go through these motions if you are not convicted. You cannot make this demand of him and threaten to leave if you don't have the nerve to actually leave. If you don't, then don't begin this line of conversation. It means you will have accomplished nothing and nothing will change. You have to be resolved and willing to either remain in the marriage the way it is or have the nerve to do what it takes to demand your rights as his wife.)

There's a possibility that your husband truly doesn't realize that the way he's now chosen to proceed with the situation is not productive. I think it's pretty honest and evolved of him to admit he's been in denial--it's just what he's doing about it that is not appropriate. He just needs to take the next step and realize he has to let it go instead of trying to undo what has happened in the past. My DH harbors quite a bit of guilt from his previous divorce and for years he kept pushing me to treat SS9 like a wounded bird. I slowly and calmly started showing him book excerpts and advice from psychologists ("i know you want the best for SS9, so i got this book on blended families. It says something interesting...Can we try that because I think it would make me feel a lot better, too?") Over the course of about a year, it really opened his mind to the possibility that he might be overdoing it.