Below is an email DH sent to his attorney this morning. He is trying his best to put BM in the worst light possible and has even said he is going to get a statement from our friend who took SD out shopping while she was here. The friend said that "SD indicated that she realizes living with her mom and step-dad is not in her best interests. She said she feels parentified, which is not how a 14 year old should feel. Unfortunately, she has been guilted and has a misguided sense of loyalty." Is any of this that he's doing and writing going to have any effect on a custody change?
Just wanted to go over a couple of things to make sure I'm all good.
First, wanted to make sure the paperwork is in order and we're moving forward. Also, as per my email yesterday, I don't have her physical address, only her work address. I've tried to get it multiple times in the past to no avail. This is also a pattern with her, though she hadn't done it for a few years prior to moving.
Also, I'd like to bring you up to speed on the events that led up to my retaining your firm.
The evening of July 29, 2012 I recieved an email from BM:
I have been accepted to Grad school and will be starting in October 2012. To facilitate this, I accepted a position that will allow me the time to both work and complete school- I sign the contract on 8/5. After discussing the decision to move with SD, she has decided to continue to live with us and not move to live with you. She is excited to move, however she is afraid that her decision will make you angry with her. I have assured her that you will not be angry but that she can expect that you will be sad. Please do not call her and get angry about her decision. She will be visiting her friend next week for a few days, she will not be visiting you again before we move.
She would like you to send the xbox you said was hers, her jeans, tees and ipod- I will forward our address as soon as we have a place secured. We will at that point meet with our attorney again and work out a visitation plan for you and SD.
As you can imagine, this caused me a great deal of stress, especially given that it was sent on the last night of my vacation. This in turn caused my wife great stress as I wasn't in the best of moods. I emailed and called BM multiple times the following day with no response. I continued to call and email throughout the week with no response. I finally got my daughter on the phone and she informed me that they were moving to Duluth, MN.
Friday last I requested that my ex tell me when and where she was moving to. While my daughter had already told me, I wanted confirmation from her mother so there was no doubt. This recieved no response. After calling you and finding out what was possible in terms of making sure we had a parenting plan in place prior to her moving:
I think it's a horrible thing that you're moving my daughter out of state without letting her say goodbye to me.
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> To me, this is the act of a highly dysfunctional person.
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> Make sure you give me your lawyers info asap so I can have my lawyer and begin proceedings. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow I'll intiate action and place a restraining order on you.>
I feel that this was appropriate and left no doubt as to my intentions.
My daughter called me yesterday and left a message saying that we had to "discuss this restraining order thing." I called her back and she asked me why I was doing it. I told her that I couldn't trust her mother to follow through with a promise of a parenting plan, especially after the move. That the fairest thing for everyone would be if I secured my rights as her father prior to the move. We had a conversation that lasted approximately 10 minutes with both of us being upset but I made sure to tell her I loved her and that I had to do this as I couldn't stand the thought of her moving away and us being geographically separated even more than we already are.
This morning I got a text from her mother stating pretty much what the previous email said. She also referenced her lawyer, who she has yet to name, stating "we have been advised to not let you see SD until after we moved and formalized a visitation plan. I will consider this matter closed until that time." She finished to say that my daughter will be staying with her friend, and that she has instructions "you will not be allowed to get SD from her house"
As you can guess, I'm eager to begin this process and look forward to hearing from your firm again. I took today off work due to lack of sleep and I've been extremely distracted and stressed out lately, which makes me available to come to your office should you need me to.
First of all she can't move
First of all she can't move out of state if you have a current court ordered visitation plan.... and she HAS to give 30 days notice of when she is moving and where. She is in contempt. He must act fast. She is controlling everything. Getting a restraining order I am not understanding that. I would let your attorney take it from here. But from now on keep all texts, emails etc. ANYTHING that you get from her. And document all conversations....
*broomstick for ONE*
The thing is we don't have
The thing is we don't have any kind of court ordered plan so that is why she thinks she can do this. She sent an email saying that she was moving but never said where or when. I guess that could be her 30 day notice?
In that 30 day notice it HAS
In that 30 day notice it HAS to give address. So no it's not. She just can't send a letter saying I'm moving but no address yet and by the way I'm taking our kid. Kidnapping......
*broomstick for ONE*
You know, she had a kid with
You know, she had a kid with your husband - she didn't become an indentured servant. She is free to move to another state, to better herself and improve her daughter's life. It doesn't sound like he has really ever made any effort in 14 years, so why should she hang around in the expectation that he's going to step up and take an interest now? And it sounds like he is going to attempt a smear campaign on this woman in court. I think it's shameful. And the email she sent seems pretty reasonable, actually . . . sounds like she knew your DH well enough to know he'd throw a tantrum and upset their daughter just to be an ass.
And I usually really feel for you Mapper, and I think your posts sound like you're a pretty nice person. But I do not think you and your DH are thinking about what's best for this kid in this situation.
Well that KID is part his
Well that KID is part his too. And when you have a child with somebody you are in it for life. And you can't just up and leave anytime you want. CHILDREN need their fathers. At least he is making effort. He is trying. And that's more than what most kids get from fathers. That's fine that she wants to live with her mom BUT the father deserves a relationship with his child. And a child deserves to KNOW Their dad. NOT a paycheck. This man wants to be a part of his kids life. She chose to have HIS child therefore this is the breaks. It's a give give NOT a selfish selfish. This BM is being selfish. Just like most of them.
I can't imagine moving my kids miles and miles from their father. How selfish can one be?
*broomstick for ONE*
He has not been seeing his
He has not been seeing his kid, so should mom deny herself further education and good job offer and better life for her kid just in case dad wants to get involved? Sure she had a kid with him, but should she stick around even if dad and SD don't even see each other? So everybody needs to get punished here just because daddy woke up and all of a sudden wants to go to court?
I do sympathize with you and
I do sympathize with you and your DH but I do not understand why all these years your DH never expressed desire to have visitations reinforced, having parenting plan in place and building close relationship with SD?
If that was important to him, he would take BM to court long time ago. Why now? I know it is sad she is leaving without saying good-bye, but if DH only saw her few times a year prior to that then does it really make a difference.
I also do not understand why in his letter he is talking about his wife being upset or him being on vacation, it is irrelevant.
BM's email sounds reasonable to me. And she says she will have visitation plan in place, that's good. She does not sound crazy to me.
^^This. Your BM doesn't sound
^^This.
Your BM doesn't sound crazy at all. Matter of fact, SHE sounds like the reasonable one in this!
Stick a fork in me... I'm done...
Also in the past Mapper
Also in the past Mapper stated that her DH is not an attentive father and when SD visited he just did his own thing and played videogames leaving SD to do her own thing. Now all off a sudden she cannot move out of the area and he wants to be involved.
"The father deserves a relationship"-sure he can maintain a relationship with her, with the amount of time and effort he out into this kid, it won't make a difference if she lives aorund the block or in other state.
BM's biggest mistake was
BM's biggest mistake was "warning" DH that she was moving. Given that there was no CO/parenting plan in place, she should have kept her mouth shut about it until it was done.
Really, I think your DH comes out looking like a complete ass in all of this. This kis is in high school, he has NEVER sought a CO to see his kid, and all of a sudden he is looking to upset her life.
The judge will most likely allow the move. BM can work and go to school. Does your DH even pay CS?
I can't believe your DH spent $$ on an attorney over this. He's gonna lose, and he's gonna look like a deadbeat ass in the process, IMO.
Stick a fork in me... I'm done...
He just spoke with his
He just spoke with his attorney and gave her the run down of what's been going on. Even she said that it doesn't look good that DH hasn't filed for a parenting plan until now. He said that he used to have a good relationship with SD and saw her pretty regularly when they were both in the same town and that BM has tried to keep SD from him since then and make excuses as to why SD couldn't come over. He says BM has been malicious in telling SD that if SD ever chose to live with DH it would break her heart and lie to SD about how DH doesn't want to see her. DH is hoping that all her maliciousness will effect a custody change. That along with how she jumps from boyfriend to boyfriend an how she married the latest one but never told SD about it.
Is there any
Is there any proof/documentation that BM was malicious?
If she was malicious all this time, how come dad did nothing about it?
If jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend or marrying someone was such a problem, then why didn't DH address it earlier? BM is married and the fact that she had boyfriends has nothing to do with anything, your DH has 3 motorcycles that he spends his money on and his videogames that he plays all day long. How is that better than having boyfriends?
Your DH is being petty and he comes across as an a$$ towards you and now towards his kid.