Step Talk

First, how long have you and your wife been separated and how much longer before the divorce is finalized? You don't want to separate from your spouse on Tuesday, then force a new partner on your kids on Wednesday. I have no idea what constitutes adequate time from separation to introducting a new partner, but that would be one consideration for me.

My second thought, though, is that the younger your children are, the easier it will be to make this transition. Younger children are much more adaptable.

Last thought would be your plans for this relationship. Are you planning on marrying your new partner? Is this a long-term, serious relationship or is it someone you are casually dating? If there's no long-term commitment in place, then I would wait until you are more certain about the longevity of the relationship.

Also, some folks might disagree with me on this, because it's your life and you have every right to live it however you choose, but I would consider talking to their mother about it and getting her opinion on when is the right time to introduce a new partner to the kids, because she either has or will have to make the same decision herself. It could go a long way towards promoting a good relationship with your children's mother if you consult her on this.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

as soon as possible (not meaning to be rude ) but if id have know what i do now no way would i have stuck around most of my issues tho are not the kids its the way BF is wiht the kids some examples of this are completely disregarding the way i feel in our home no bed time for kids no privacy for not just me but the both of us at any time the kids are down they are rude to every one that come into our home Bf says nothing thinks this is appropiate for children to feel like adults bare in mind they are 6 and 9 !

i also think it is very important to always show not only your kids affection when they are there but your paartner to to show the kids its serious and to make your GF feel important to

you need to sit down with your partner discuss bed times that suit you both ! diciplines! what you expect from her ! how she expects to be treated !

activities that are appropaite for getting to bed time my skids are allowed to be up screaming til bedtime this does not suit me and gives me a terrible head ache !

and never undermind your new partner infront of the kids if you disagree pull her to the side either later or where the kids can not here

sorry to waffle got a bit of a bitch going on then hope it helped tho

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

You should wait until the divorce is finalized, that way the kids can't get it into their heads that your new GF is the reason their parents split up.

Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"

It really won't matter when you do this because when you do your life will probably change.

I had an as civil as possible uncontested divorce. My ex-wife was calm, cool, and collective. I even got my children more often than agreed upon. Life was good and we were both moving on. Then I met my now current fiance. My ex-wife went PSYCHOTIC!

I didn't know the things that I know now but here is what I have learned. Some women that are civil have a really hard time when you meet someone new. I have read stories of this happening even after 5 years or so. If you are the first one to meet somebody else it makes it worse. So even if your wife is super cool at the moment prepare for that to come to an end.

Start reading material on PAS (parental alienation syndrome). Be prepared for this to happen to your children. Ask yourself if your current girlfriend is worth the possibilty of going through PAS. I have three children and the oldest (12) is so poisoned against me that I no longer see her. It was a very painful thing to go through.

Introducing a new women to your children can lead to a very troubled road. You will definitely want to wait until your divorce is final and even then it might not make it much easier.

I hate to paint this glum picture for you. I love my fiance but if I had to hit the rewind button my children would never meet who I was dating and neither would my family or my ex-wife. I would have kept my reltionships as private as possible. Being alienated from your children by an unhappy angry parent is a horrible experience.

Am I happy? Yes, now, most of the time. Was it worth it? No.

"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17

I agree with Cajun Lady about waiting until the divorce is final for sure.

Since she does not have any kids I would be sure to find some social settings or situations where there are children around and she how she interacts with them. How well does she interact with other poeples' children? Can she talk to them on their level? Does she try to make any connections with them? This will all be very important information to have before you ever intorduce her to your children.

When you do feel it is time to introduce them be sure it happens on "neutral" ground. Do not do the intro in your home where the children feel it is their "territory". Make it in a neutral place where all parties can feel comfortable.

When my DH and I introduced my child to his children and I met his kids for the first time it was at a park where all of us felt comfortable and relaxed. We were able to interact with one another, but there were also enough other activities to do that none of us felt forced to sit and talk, etc. We also went for a walk around the park which was a nice way to get to know everyone.

Since your kids are so young they will adapt much more quickly than older children as they have not yet developed their own opinions about the split between you and their mother.

I wish you the best of luck, but I would make sure that first of all she really does like children, not just SAY that she does. Actions speak so much louder than words!!

Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!

In my own humble opinion...you have an advantage that your kids are still at a young age. My SK's were 15months and nearly 3 when I was first introduced to them (that is, being around them and their Dad)so my presence was that of an extended family member such as an Aunt.
The SK's and I have 'grown up' together...they are now 11 and nearly 13.
I believe it should be decided on you and your partner's comfort level and if your older child should question who she is, then tell her the truth in that she's your girlfriend.
If you plan to marry, they just as well know who she is now.

"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"

maybe just as a friend or something but stil dont let them treat her liek rubbish !!!

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

I have a slightly different opinion based on personal experience. I think the reason to wait for a divorce isn't necessarily about the kids, it's about your relationship with your new partner. When my now DH and I started dating, he and his then-wife had been separated and living apart for 1.5 years, since his children were 1.5 and 2 respectively (so they were 3 and 4 at the time we started dating). He was "a couple of months" away from finalizing the divorce.

After we started dating, we waited for 8 months before I met the kids b/c we wanted to be sure it was a long-term relationship (so they were 3 and 5 by the time I met them). I have always been grateful we waited that 8 months, even though it was hard; I highly recommend the waiting period.

BUT the divorce was not finalized for another year -- nearly two years into our relationship. Oh, they weren't reconciling -- they were fighting about alimony and settlement and she kept switching lawyers -- and my DH is the WORST at finalizing anything, as I later came to find out. All legitimate reasons. BUT.

The problem with the pre-divorce relationship was not about introducing me to the children, it was about what the counselor called DH's emotional 'enmeshment' with the then-pending ex. NOT romantic, but a sort of default attachment. He could never give me my proper place in his life b/c he was still at his ex's beck and call "b/c of the kids". She was allowed to call when she wanted, manage his calendar, yell at him in public, and take all kinds of liberties that belong to a wife -- even though they disliked each other -- and to this day I believe he let her b/c she *was* his wife, even in name only. It was very subtle. He obviously loved me, not her. He obviously wanted to sever that tie with her. But she had this default grip on his emotions -- he associated her with the kids, see? And it did a lot of damage. The enmeshment began to subside about a year after the divorce, shortly before we got engaged (a year before we got married) . . . although there would be incidents from time to time. It's pretty much gone now, thank goodness, but it took YEARS. Looking back, I can see that it took that long for him to process the fact of the legal divorce in a way that allowed him to emotionally separate himself from his former life, and emotionally separate the ex from his kids.

The kids have never been affected by this timing (they are 8 and 10 now, and we have been married almost two years); in fact, we (and counselors) have remarked time and again how it helped them to make the change when they were so young. I had a counselor tell me the other day that he's never seen children so bonded to a stepmother. And their bio mother is a very constant, loving and nuturing presence in their lives.

However, DH and I are still suffering somewhat from the effects of the prior 'enmeshment' -- particularly, resentment and latent anger on my part. The enmeshment has all but disappeared, but the emotions have not. Getting over this is the most difficult thing about our marriage. It feels like he cheated on me, not physically, and even though the shared emotions between DH and BM were not tender or loving or even friendly most of the time. They were intimate. In my book, you can't have an intimate connection to two women at once when you are married to one of them.

Since your relationship is relatively 'young' you may still be in your 'honeymoon' phase where she is v. accepting of any obligations between you and your wife, and you feel like everything is in the proper place. During our 'honeymoon phase', things were great and I really rolled with all of it too. But this changes as the relationship moves from all those new love hormones to real life, and it became exceedingly painful.

In hindsight, our relationship would be much healthier today if I had waited for the legal divorce to be final, even though they were not still attached through 'love' or 'romance'. Being married means something, as it turns out, no matter how much the two people dislike each other or even feel apathy for each other.

In my book, the best thing to do is get the divorce over with -- hurry! and then get on with integrating a new partner with the kids. For your new partners' sake, though, not for the kids -- when it comes to kids, I think the younger they are, the easier the transition.

my b/f and i decided after 6 months of dating to introduce kids to me. if we had waited till the divorce was final it would have been years.....some divorces take forever depending on the situation.
I was introduced to kids as dads friend. Kids were then 6 and 10. It went well. Later we told them we were boyfriend/girlfriend. That was 2 years ago and they are excited that we are going to be married.
I think every situation is different. Maybe talking to kids first about their thoughts/feelings about someday mom or dad meeting someone
good luck!

my BF never had much to do with the kids he used to pop up and see them every once in a while that was that this lasted about 2 and a half years of our relationship then all of a sudden started having them weekends and once during the week ! so i guess quicker than that would be fine hahaha he doenst quite understand that its hard for me to adjust to having 3 little brats in my home and just says you knew i had kids which fair enough i did but i didnt think things would change so suddenly

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

don't take this in a negative way, but you asked for opinions.

I am speaking of what I WOULD DO:

I would put my children first. My life would literally be relgated to making sure that the needs (and some "wants") of my kids were first priority. That would mean no dating, no men (visible ones anyway) until my kids were raised.
Secondly, please have your girlfriend do a lot of reading about step parenting. This site is a great place to learn! It is a very large order for a young childless woman to handle two very young children.

I wish you luck & hope that God guides you in your decision. The lives of your girlfriend & two young children depend on it.