Step Talk

Don't Feel Too Bad, SF get the same crap. Especially the Bus Part, Why Give The $hits the satisfaction? I have been at the point of suicide, a few times in My Life, and That, was the One Argument that I came up with, that Worked, I Pissed Myself Off, that I would Let ANY-DAMNED-BODY Beat Me, that easily...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Sounds to me like your DH put you and a 12 year old on the same level!!! Not cool. I would remind SS and DH who really owns the washer and that washer is available for you to use ANY TIME you darn well want to use it. SS needs to work around YOUR schedule. You are right this wouldn't have been an issue if you were his real mother. DH and I got into a similar argument over SS sweeping the floor. Trust me he does his chores now because I showed how evil I could be when SS ticked me off. If I am going to get accused of mistreating someone I am going to show what the definition of mistreating someone really is.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

I am with Cru, SS should be respectful to you and then in turn he gets the respect.
NOT if you are nice to him then he will be nice to you.

I am sorry that this has happened - I feel for you -I am going thru a rough time with FH right now and the issues concerning his 18 y/o BS.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

The problem must be "equally shared" between both of you?? That's a load of crap. YOU are the adult, it's YOUR home, and YOU call the shots. Not some snippy 12 year old!

What is most disturbing about this situation is that your DH set you up for more grief by not firmly putting SS12 in his place. Instead of taking the chance to set the pack order straight and be a leader, he copped out and left you hanging (been there!). Your SS12 now knows exactly where he stands in the household--his dad said, in effect, that he is in par with you and shares power.

Don't let this ramp up! Let your DH know that you need him to back you up in front of SS12, even when the situation seems trivial and he might not completely agree with you. If he keeps wimping out, both of you will soon have a loser out-of-control teen brat running your household.

Who in their right mind wants that?

Luckily, my DH never sides with or tells SD that it's both our fault. It may be at times, that she has me so worn down that my fuse is much shorter. But that does not excuse the behavior on their part.

Last night SD argued with DH again (I mostly stay out of it now, and tell him what she needs corrected for.) SD was peeved b/c the super short shorts she took from her friend's house, as well as two pairs of jeans (from the same friend) were taken away from her. She has ripped the jeans she "borrowed" to shreds, as well as destroyed the other pair with nail polish (that she's blamed on their other friend.) I told her we were returning the clothes directly to the (now ex) friend's parents, and that SD would earn the money to buy new jeans for the girl. SD is furious. OH...and she brought another nice bra over- black with pink poka dots. DH and I just feel that underwear that is begging to be seen isn't appropriate for a 13 year old who is fascinated by sexuality. SD tells us, "You have NO right to take away MY stuff!!!!" DH said, "It's in MY house. I told you to leave the crap your mom buys over there, and then I can't take it away." SD started yelling, then when DH calmly (he's come a long way there) told her to stop yelling at him...that there is no reason to yell because he is not yelling at her...she answered, "I have EVERY right to YELL because I'm MAD!!!!!!"

I am so fortunate that SD is going away to CA for almost a month. Or I would end up being slapped or punched by her. I totally understand Vickie. At times I think I need to go too. Raise Anna and my sons. I love my H but I am tired of being verbally abused by a thirteen year old.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

i am horrified to hear what you are dealing with. i have a ss12 as well, and my God, if he EVER disrespected me like that.... yikes, and to not get your Dh's full support and in fact be forced to share the blame with a lippy child would push me over the edge. i don't know what to say. except that that 12 year old needs some serious discipline. and how do you get control of the situation if you don't have support from DH? does your SS live with you or only visit? i'm just shocked. is there any way you can talk with your DH in private one evening to discuss how badly he handled this? he needs to know his child is on the brink of ruining your marriage because of his disrespectful and abusive attitude.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I too have the ss12. Boy is that a great age or what. He's bigger than me now too!
I will correct some behavior of ss's and he will just keep doing it waiting to see if Dh will notice. Of course Dh can ignore so much it isn't even funny. Ss also knows that Dh isn't as strict as me so he wants to see who it is that Dh will yell at. Me for being too picky of ss for doing whatever it is he's doing.

That stinks and really undermines my authority!!

Dawn

And beat them both with a big stick.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Has nobody ever explained Parenting 101 to your ding dong husband? Parents must put on a united front when the kids are present. Regardless of whether he agrees or not... Take that up with you after the kids are gone. All he did was fuel the 12 year old punk and make things harder on you. I remember the days when DH and I played those games. I made the therapist for SD sit down with him and lay in all on the line. I told him that it was either the RIGHT way of parenting or he could do it all alone. I was not going to compete with a child for him. Period.

I am guessing that if you chose to end your marriage, it wouldn't be over something trivial like laundry as you mentioned. It has to do with lack of respect and lack of honor on his part. A 12 year is a 12 year old. They will have these moments regardless of who the parent is, but how your DH handled it is NOT ok. And don't worry about the abuse claims. SD here always turns things into something they aren't as well. Two nights ago it was that I grabbed her and threw her. Funny because I was at one end of the hall and she was at the other. Guess I used my super powers to levitate her.

HAng in there. It is all a roller coaster ride!!!!

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

those of you who read my post a few weeks ago about DH telling SS to get his sh*t and get out, to go live with his mom-- because he was late coming home-- will understand how extremely unfair it seems to be put in this position. The kid is screaming in my face, trying to shove around me, telling me what I can and can't do with his clothes, and clenching his fists while glaring at me. And I get called on the carpet for telling him he won't be doing laundry tonight and to get his A** in his room. This sucks in the worst possible way.

I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.

on the way in to work this morning! As I rehashed the whole thing for the zillionth time--this is the first true confrontation I've had with either of them; there's been resentment and arguing over the years, but always in the end compliance, however reluctantly. More and more I've tried to disengage and let DH do the discipline thing whenever possible. But his behavior and attitude last night was simply unacceptable in every way, and I wasn't going to let the little brat get his way yet again. This kid has been going down a long slippery slope to juvenile delinquent all this year; I'm not interested in stopping the slide anymore, just interested in being accorded the same respect that he would give any other adult in his world. Yes, I'll bring up the pleasures and joys of juvenile jail next time this happens, and of course, DH's inaction has assured that this WILL happen again.

I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.

Do you watch sports. It's a make up penalty -- a bad call. Your H is trying to make up for telling SS to move in with his mom. Your H gave you a red card, and SS got a penalty kick.

But in all seriousness, you must feel so betrayed. Why do so many bioparents make the mistake of treating their adult spouse like a peer or sibling of their kids? That doesn't and won't work. As Goingcrazy said: "A 12 year is a 12 year old." The kid is hormonal and looking to divide and conquer whether you are the SM or BM. And as someone else said this would not have occurred in a nuclear family.

Stepparents are given authority without power. Undermining can happen in the nuclear family as well but both parents have the power and respect of the children so it's not the same when a child pulls the divide an conquer crap. The final outcome is different in a nuclear family, I would hazard a guess that the parents keep their dignity and respect.

I purchased a new couch and recliner chair for my livingroom. Let me emphasize that I purchased this furniture. I made it clear that the chair was for DH and I when we want to watch tv. We have a big screen TV as well purchased by both DH and I.

A couple of weeks ago I came home after eating dinner out. We wanted to watch a movie we started watching before we left. I told SS who had his butt planted in my chair watching tv that the adults were taking over. He didn't move. He proceeded to sit through the rest of the movie in my chair as if he were king of the house. It totally pissed me off. I was angry at DH for not making him get up.

Last night we come home from Walmart and DH wanted to watch the TV. Again SS had his butt firmly planted in the chair and actually had the audacity to complain that he was watching something and copped an attitude. Keep in mind he has his own TV and cable in his room. He just prefers the big screen. After hearing all this I came out of the room and made a family announcement. I told DH and skids that the TV and furniture were purchased by me. They are for mine and DH's use when we felt like using it and I had better never hear an attitude coming from anyone when DH and I decide to use it. It was not thiers to take over. I will yank out the cable from thier room and they can do without anything if they feel like they are deprived. SS said "Yes Mam" and went to his room for the night. DH didn't say a word. I just dont' care if DH gets mad. He can turn blue. I don't think authority in my home is given to me by DH. I take the authority and the hell with what anyone thinks.

I just wont allow DH or Skids to "put me in my place" especially since I am the one paying for nearly everything.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

I know exactly how you feel. I had a similar "encounter" with SD not too long ago. It was also over a clothing issue and she told her BM that I slammed her into a cabinet. I only pulled her by the sleeve of her jacket to get her out the door for school because she refused to go. I also had a very hard time dealing with this, fortunatly DH was on my side and knew that I had not hurt her but I was livid over the whole thing. I just want you to know that I understand.

Being a single mother raising 1BD and 1BS for 10+ years I had to take a hard line with my kids and I demand respect from them. I will NOT be bullied by anyone in my own home, NO ONE, not even my own kids. I have a BS17 that is 4" taller than I am but I don't have any problem letting him know that I have a baseball bat and I am not afraid to use it. My BD got in my face once at about this same age and I let her know quickly that she would loose in a physical confrontation with me; it never happened again.

In any family you will have disagreements and misunderstandings. Sometimes we get angry and don't always like each other but we will respect all members of our family regardless of size or gender. I guess my point is that your DH needs a swift kick in the pants. He needs to understand that he should have not only backed you but he should have intervened and put SS in his place.

I would have a chat with DH, let him know how you feel about his lack of support and let him know the lesson he is teaching his child. He is teaching his son that it is ok to disrespect you, women in general, adults and authority figures in his life.

I would also have a little heart to heart with SS and let him know that if he puts his hands on you again he will draw back a nub. Don't let this go, this needs to be delt with by you and DH. Good luck honey, I hope all goes well.

~Evil

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren

have chatted twice today. These conversations did not go well. He refuses to start working days until this fall. SS is a powder keg in search of a match, so I doubt we will get thru the summer without major confrontation. The only concession made was that he IS grounded.

DH said that I am forcing him to choose between me and his son. I responded, "Yes, and the choice better be me if you expect me to parent your kids in your absence every night." That made him even madder.

I'll try leaving SS completely alone. I'll cook dinner, because I have to eat, but in all other matters, he will be looking to Dad for everything. Thank goodness he's going to BM's this weekend.

I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.

that to accuse you of forcing him to 'choose between you and skid' is the oldest and most cowardly trick in the book and to come up with something more intelligent than that.

how about this: 'my kid was out of line, i see now that you and i need to be on the same page or he's going to take even more advantage of the situation, so let's work this out and then let him know about our new family attitude before things get worse.'

he needs to address his guilt about his kid. tell him to get his butt into counselling before he screws up everything. i would not stand for him treating you like you did something wrong, i understand you have no one on your side (other than the peeps on this site), but you need to be strong and stand your ground.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

sorry vickimac, but I think if any kid was threatening to cry "abuse" I would refuse to be alone with them. Let their parents figure out what to do with him.

I know that scheduling and finances play a role in making a stand like that, but I'll be damned if ANYBODY's kid will act like that to me.

You are definitely in a tough spot. I hope you can get it straightened out before something even uglier happens.

I do plan to disengage from SS completely. I don't like the little twit, so why subject myself to his presence? I'll allow him to eat what dinner I cook, but I won't eat with him. When he calls every day after school asking for permission to go play with the other hoodlums in his posse, he'll be redirected to calling DH to ask permission; DH is rarely reachable, but not my problem. DH can tell him when to come home, and I won't ask or even care. I have done this before; no one really seemed to notice my absence. But it did me a world of good anyway. Evilsm, DH did talk to SS this morning and grounded him; he also said he wasn't done talking to him. DH in his wisdom also said that I shouldn't have allowed it to escalate to such an uproar, that I should have walked away. Hmmm, I'm wondering if SS chose to confront his teacher and refused to do what was asked, would it be the teacher's job to "walk away" in order to keep the conflict from escalating any further? Kid had me blocked inside my own laundry room; I suppose I could have clambered up on the dryer, stuck my fingers in my ears and whistled a cheery Broadway tune; perhaps that would have soothed the rotten beast. Kid is starting to scare me slightly, and he's a short little skinny 12-year-old. I just can't quite put my finger on what it is that's so alarming about him these days, but God help us when he starts growing.

I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.

I absolutely would not put up with a 12 year old treating me in the manner that he is treating you.

I am also the bio mom of a 12 year old boy and if he confronted ANYONE and challenged them they way he did to you - I would throw a fit. I don't give a shit who the adult is that he is being supervised by, I would never tolerate this behavior. Not only would he be grounded but I assure you that a personal apology and a long list of "how can I make it up to you?" would follow...

Like I said, if it were me....I would no longer be the babysitter. I would let DH know that he needed to switch his workshift NOW or start looking for an apartment. I don't care the cost or the consequences of this decision because it is, afterall, HIS responsibility.

Your SS is perfecting the "divide and conquer" technique of battle and guess what? He's winning....

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I put up with disrespect and BS for a while - but that was a short while. Bottom line is - we work hard for our homes, our oasis, our safety zone to escape to. We would not allow a neighbor to come into our homes and cause this type of disruption. Why allow another's children to do this? Or even our spouse to cause and/or support this? It finally came down to me saying to all of them, including my husband, "I put in 50-60 hours a week to pay for MY home, MY place of peace and if you do not want to support making this a real home, then you and your kids can immediately pack your things and move out. I would rather be alone, have a roommate to help with the mortgage, than put up with something that even YOU would not tolerate from a neighbor! I am the parent, an adult that handles my own responsibilities, I work long hard hours to pay for that privilege. And none of you are going to continue to infringe upon MY rights any longer. Do I make myself clear?!" But not to end at that point, I told the SKs that from this point on, they were to leave their mother's hateful, bullish, and revengeful attitudes and ploys at her house when they walked out her door, that lying, stealing and being hateful would not be tolerated at ANY level any longer, and if they had a problem with that, then they would lose privileges until they had none, lose whatever - even if it meant giving up their own bedrooms - until they learned to follow those rules and show respect for me as a parent - and for their father. One snickered - and I immediately blocked with a password, the kid's computer from access. And I have followed through since. Results? They say "Yes MAM" and will go to their rooms if told. However, they cry to mommy, my husband feels like he has "lost" the kids, and I frankly have had enough. Next phone calls from mom to kids are going to be tape-recorded, against legal orders of un-monitored calls. I can guarantee she is behind most of this, since they are worst after she has lengthly phone contact with them daily, during father's time. Enough is enough. Note: I raised 4 children, 2 boys, 2 girls, and they NEVER acted like this nor spoke to me or their father disrectfully.

began when BM began nightly, lengthy phone calls to them. The tones of voices they use during these conversations--when I can overhear, since they usually shut themselves up in their rooms while talking to her--is very intimate, as if they are confiding in their best girlfriend. It makes my hair stand on end. And idiot DH, despite having just that very morning agreed that there was no need for cell phones at least yet, not til SD starts driving, got a call from our cell phone provider enticing him to upgrade his. So naturally he plays the hero and gives them his old one to share. So now they talk to mommy dearest even more. I'm sure she got quite an earful from them last night.

I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.