castrofreak's picture

I don't know what to do with all this hate. Help...please...

This is long. Please bear with me.

My husband has (or used to have) an extremely.... weird relationship with his ex as parents. Before we got married, we were long-distance. Him in Florida, and me in other state. 1600 miles of distance. Two years before I met him, he had a son with a girl that was manipulative and mean. They weren't in a relationship as they used to be (they were on and off for 5 years, but most of the time she was off...with some other guy). He has only seen his son once, when he was born. The mother REFUSES to let him see his son (or at least we think he's the father... the mother refuses to do a DNA test. But the child looks like him.)

Basically, after she told him she had the baby (another thing, she didn't tell him she was pregnant until she had the child), they started talking alot. Tried to make it work for the kid, but it didn't work out. She was too mean, and too manipulative, and too...promiscuous. About 2 months after they called it quits for good, him and I started talking, and got into a serious relationship. During the whole time he was in Florida, they talked too much, in my opinion. It was never about the kid, it was always about her. She was still 'in love' with him. She knew he was in a committed relationship, but still tried to get him back anyway. It was obsessive.

When he moved here, to be with me, he told her he was moving to KS (where I live.) She still pursued him. The first day he was here, he ignored her calls, because it was our time, not hers. She called about 3-4 times that first day. Left 'loving' voicemails. Sent him texts that were sexual. Telling him she loves him. It's persistant. They haven't talked for the past 4 months because he hasn't had a phone, and its extremely peaceful. When they would talk, it would always end in a fight because she would always say or do something to make me upset. And he has a hard time standing up to her.

I'm starting to resent this child so much, because...the only reason they have anything to do with eachother is because of him. If it weren't for him, they would never have any contact, because he hates her too. I just feel so much jealousy for the thing that I don't have with him. I hate that child for this. I know he's only 3-4 years old, but its tearing me apart. I know its not the kid's fault, but I don't know how not to feel this way towards him. I wish I could not resent that entire relationship, but it's impossible. I feel like no one understands how I feel about this. So alone. I want to be free from the hate, but I hate her. I can't love a child that I feel nothing for. No connection to.

There's so much hate and jealousy inside of me right now. I feel like I'm about to explode. Can someone please tell me what to do?


hatemydad's picture

Jealousy is natural. The kid

Jealousy is natural. The kid is a means to control. So DH needs restraining order. Probaly be easier if the kid was with you full time or you cut the kid out and don't be involved beyond CS. What does dh want to do?

castrofreak's picture

He wants to establish

He wants to establish paternity and set up visitation, but he doesn't have the money to take that to court, so we can't do much of that now. It would be years before him or I would have to deal with the mother or the s/kid. But I'm absolutely dreading the day when we have some custody. Either way, we're not planning on living anywhere near where she does (I refuse to live in Florida, because of the s/kid and BM, though I wouldn't admit it to DH), so we would only have him every once in a while, until he gets older and can decide when and/or if he wants to see his dad.

hatemydad's picture

If you did have the kid at a

If you did have the kid at a visit take him to get his hair cut or something that will let you get his DNA. Go to one of the mail dna places in america that does them. That is less hassle than court. If he has DHs Y chromosome then he is the daddy. If not well then he isnt the daddy and probably be better you never ever see him again. Have it proven in court of law or by some government agency who handles CS that way shouldn't be able to come after him for CS unless they treat him as the legal dad? Can they do that? If BM lied about the daddy she can go to prison Laughing out loud. You let BM have far too much control over you.

sometimesmomof123kids's picture

They sell the kits at

They sell the kits at pharmacies everywhere and you pay a lab via mail. For a couple hundred will know if its a match. And if she is getting support and he has visitation, he could have demanded a DNA test and if she refused, she would not be able to get any support from him. However, if he waived his right, he is screwed if the kid is not his.

I am confused...I though he sometimes has the kid and she calls? I think I misunderstood "Our Time", sorry

And you do not need a lawyer to get custody, visitation or CS...you can do Pro Se (self representation) and if your income is low, you can even get help from a lawyer for free.

All of my comments are just an opinion, please do not take offense,

*Stepmom for 12 years of SS15, SD13 and also Mom of DS9...and it ain't easy but I knew it wouldn't be when I chose it. Thanks for this group to help me thru this rough teenage bit!

sometimesmomof123kids's picture

You just expressed the

You just expressed the resentment a lot of us feel (whether a little or a lot, sometimes, often or all the time) and why we need groups like this. Others who have never been a step parent would never get it...i was a stepchild and never got it, I do now. Its funny how people say "My Mom always wished I had a kid just like me". And I have an skid (SS) who is very much like me. I have many regrets in how I acted as a kid. I thought I was singled out for abuse because of my skid status when really his biokids got even worse treatment in a different way and they turned out to be terrible at being accountable and cannot support themselves, etc. I thank God that I was raised the way I was because I later learned A TON of things that could have been MUCH worse.

I chose this marriage knowing it was going to be a hard row to hoe. I didn't know how bad or how good it would be, and I am sure its not that bad in comparison with a lot of people. I love my DH so much. I hate myself often for not being better, being more...but it is what it is for all of us because we are human. I thank God he loves me even though I am imperfect by far (God not DH, lol)

You never know if or when you will break. I thought the timer was set at 18 or so for the youngest SK so that we would not have to suffer BM anymore. Then I realized after reading a lot of the posters on here that skid hell continues all through life, especially if they don't learn to love you in some way. I hope to be better so they will love me and include me in their lives and children's lives, I have been their SM since one was 1 and the other was 3. Even though some days I feel the resentment or the anger...I don't want to. It's not their fault. I fight for me, for respect, and I fight for a voice, and I fight for DH, and I fight for each of my three (my BS and 2 SK's), and I fight for all of us. I just try to take each day, each hour at a time and hope I can bear it. Even if we weren't SM's I am sure there are a lot of other things in life we would have to suffer through. Nobody has a perfect life. Nobody. So Good Luck to you.

All of my comments are just an opinion, please do not take offense,

*Stepmom for 12 years of SS15, SD13 and also Mom of DS9...and it ain't easy but I knew it wouldn't be when I chose it. Thanks for this group to help me thru this rough teenage bit!

Disneyfan's picture

How can you hate a kid you've

How can you hate a kid you've never met?

In 3~4 years, this guy has never had enough money to court to get a visits with his son?

It only cost my DF $40 to get visits in place with his girls. That fee was to have BM served.

StickAFork's picture

The hate and jealousy you

The hate and jealousy you feel is something you need to deal with inside of yourself. I'd HIGLY suggest therapy. I can't overly state that.

Look at the logic (or lack of) here. Your DH has a child. This relationship and this child predate your involvement with him. This child is only a preschooler. This child is a part of your DH. You don't know this child and there is no reason to hate him.

Your DH needs to file for a DNA test. If he's the father, he needs to file for CS (he needs to support that child) and file for custody/visitation. Being long distance, there is very little reason for much communication between the parents at all.

I can't stand when men whine all about how the BM "won't let them" do x, y, z. Sack up and handle your business, dude. Seriously.

Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

sterlingsilver's picture

I'd say have bf step up or

I'd say have bf step up or you step out.

dtzyblnd's picture

I am not privvy to what's

I am not privvy to what's going on inside your heart here, other than what you said.
However, what I read in your entire post was not so much you HATE the child, but the
situation with the BM. And since the entire reason she's even trying to LOVE on your
DH and get him back, thus attacking YOUR relationship, is this child right now. And
that's a heavy situation to deal with.

Instead of focusing on the child, because like you said, he's a 3-4 yr old and it's not
his fault, focus more on what you and your DH can do to render HER ineffectual in your lives.

I have never met SS10s BM, she's long gone. DH doesn't harbor any feelings in that arena.
However, his sister and my MIL live in the same town as the BM, and I get updates as the
wife. I understand that they are trying to protect my hubby and son, however, for some
reason I see RED when SIL calls her by a nickname, as if there's some familiar connection,
while she's giving me the latest update about her criminal life. SIGH.

I have to consciously make an effort every single day to not look for that woman, that stranger,
in SS10. While SS10 gives me plenty of reasons to dislike the person he is becoming, I don't want
to have HER become one of them.

****

It maybe hard at first, but when those BM and kid thoughts pop up, take your mind off of it. Go have
sex with your man. Go have romantic things with him. Water your relationship garden. Because, in the end
the entire reason you feel threatened is because you don't want it to ruin your relationship.

Focus on him and you. Just you two for now. What comes in the future will come. Eye-wink

****
Stephen King has ruined your step children!
And I'm the reason some women don't have babies!

anafiodorova's picture

There is nothing wrong with

There is nothing wrong with you. If you feel this is not the right situation for you and you just got a small taste of what your life will be - cut your losses right now and gather yourself up and move on.So many of us fight reality and as a result end up with resentment , frustration and inevitably think that we need therapy. Yes, we do need therapy so that we can find our self - worth and self - respect and find a man that will be a better fit for us.
Your boyfriend needs to take care of his situation and when he has taken care of it he can call you and talk to you. Until then I suggest you live your happy life and do not take on unresolved issues from his past. He seems to me emotionally unavailable and in a mess . You cannot spent time sorting out this guy`s mess. He needs to sort himself out.You can be a friend but you cannot take it upon yourself to save him. If you do you harm yourself and your psyche and get blamed for being a bad person. Direct your energy towards nurturing animals, volunteering etc. Learn how to interact with life in a harmonious way!