Step Talk

well, I cleaned on Saturday- H went to work out, then he went shopping- then he came back and went out again, shopping at Sam's club.

So basically, he made sure to be gone through the whole time I was cleaning.

And then SD went out. SS went out. I asked H where he was going and he didn't know. I found this funny because he calls SD constantly like every hour when she's gone. I said "wow, what a difference between the way you treat boys and girls"

He said, "it's natural"

She brought that boy she had sex with over to the house and H was nice to him, because I encouraged that. But then the kid said something rude to me so I let everyone in the house know that he doesn't have any manners, and he was so embarrassed that he wouldn't even look at me and kind of snuck out of the house. He deserved it. I told H what he said and how rude it was, and H told me that I was talking loud enough for the kid to hear me, so I told H that the kid should hear me, and maybe he would learn to be more polite. Then SD told me that he heard me and was really humiliated. I told her that I'm glad. Neither she or H was offended by that, which is suprising.

Then after I cleaned everything, SD came to me and said "Do you think my dad will be mad because I spent 48 dollars on his credit card"- I told her if he didn't know what she was buying and she didn't ask him, he probably would be mad. She said she didn't tell him. This means that he gave her back the credit card.....annoying.
Well, she said to me "What was I supposed to use, my own cash?"

UMMMMMMM,,,,,,,YEAH,,,,,that's why you have a job......

She's 18 and thinks he still has to buy everything for her, I guess.

Well, we went to the mall. I bought myself some short shorts..I was suprised because SD has the large, so I thought I'd need the medium. When I was trying them on, H told me to come out because he wants to see. I could hear him try to cut himself off at the end of the sentence....It was like he hadn't meant to let me know that he wanted to see me trying on clothes. He told me that I needed the small, and that felt good. Of course, I paid for them, naturally.

At home when we were cleaning in my son's room(I actually make my son help clean his own room, instead of just doing it for him, imagine that...)
But anyway, we were cleaning, and found a wallet that used to be SS's, and it had 43 dollars in it.

I told my son to take it to H. I was hoping H would keep the money since SS hadn't had it for years and wouldn't miss it, and surely H had given it to him anyway.

But he said to me "You are a good lady, no matter what anyone says about you, you're a good person"

What does he think, I'm going to steal money? So I told him "You are the only one who ever says anything bad about me."

He gave the money back to SS.

Which reminds me of another thing, SD keeps coming to me and saying "Do you know where this or that thing is, because it's Stacy's and I need to give it back"

Well, I think she assuming that I have those things. I don't know when she'll finally get that she is the only one who steals.

Well, I went to look at the student apartments, and they are horrible. Really horrible and I just cannot take my son and go live in those. SO i have to look at other apartments.

They are kind of in a good location, but in one kind, the carpets are extremely dirty, the place is very old, and there are low to the ground windows with no bars on them, and someone could break them and come in in a second.

I just wouldn't feel safe.

I have to be honest, I am not spoiled, but living and cleaning this beautiful expensive house and then going to an absolute hellhole, pretty much living in poverty and a disgusting place, away from the man I unfortunately love also....would be horrible. I have to live in a decently nice apartment.

SO I decided to keep looking.
H hasn't seen those. We haven't discussed it in a long time. I really don't know what he's thinking anymore, because he's not discussing it with me, but he is still wanting me to clean and he is still talking about the house as in "our house" "our room" "our bed"

And he got the info in the mail about the away school that he wants his son to go to. So he really is still wanting that. And SD's sentencing is tomorrow, and after that he wants to see about her going to Israel.....

I just don't get what he's trying to do.

First interesting thing is with his kids both gone, all the reasons he wanted me to leave, and all the reasons I wanted to leave will be out of the way.

And also, he said he wanted to straighten out the kids without me around- well, by sending one to the army, and one to a special school, it kind of seems like he has the idea that in order to be straightened up, they need to be away from HIM.

I really seriously doubt they'll go anywhere.

And he was told by an agent to not even think about selling the house now.

In other news, we were sitting at a mother's day dinner, at my son's synagogue- that the kids had made for us.
One of the moms, my friend, said to me "Did you hear that I'm pregnant?"

I'm so happy for her, but I'm also really jealous. And then she was talking about how cool the maternity clothes are now, and she was kind of joking that I like to be stylish, so she goes "Now you can have a baby"

I'm really sad. She doesn't know what's been going on at our house. She doesn't know anything- no one does. Except my one friend at work, and a couple girlfriends I've had for years who live far away.
I actually would really love to be pregnant. I want to have another baby, and also, it would make H realize that the right thing is to be loyal to me, not his ex. And then we'd have to stay together, and the kids would have to calm down to accomodate at baby, and it would make everything work.....But don't worry, anyone who would warn me that having a baby will not fix anything.
We can't have a baby. CAN'T.

H used to tell me that he wanted to have a little girl with me. He told me that his mother said she hoped we'd have a baby.
I'm sure now that that was just another one of those things he said.

Both his kids are adopted, but he said that it was because of a problem with her body, not his.

However. we've been having sex without birth control for years, and nothing has happened.

So I think it's either his age, or he's "shooting blanks" as they say.

If he knew that and didn't tell me, then that means that he actually lied and cost me some of my child bearing years, and caused me to have only one child, taking away the choice or option to have more.

I'm sure that he thinks he did me a favor by that, because I need to focus on my career and not a baby anyway....

but anyway, I'm jealous of my friend. She has a boy, a girl, and now another one.....she wants another girl.