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Submitted by hhhh on Sun, 05/11/2008 - 2:48pm.

yesterday I cleaned the house all by myself, of course.

H came and told me he had to go somewhere- that it was a secret, and I'd find out tomorrow.
He went out, came back, and I sat in the sun for a few minutes while H vaccuumed(the only thing he did)

He and SD came out, he opened his trunk, and I could hear him showing her gifts for her mom. I heard her say that her mom won't like the bag.....

So later on, SD came up to me and told me what H bought me(I didn't appreciate that she told me)- she told me that he bought me the same perfume that I had before- the one SD used all of, and left me with none.....And she showed me that he bought her the same one.
I know that H only bought it for her because he was buying it for me, and didn't want her to take mine..I understand that she would definitely have taken mine if she didn't have her own. But she also told me that he got me a "Nautica bag"

Well, this morning, he came in while I was in bed, gave me the perfume and the bag, and some white flowers. When I went downstairs I saw my flowers, plus another bunch of the same white flowers in another vase.

SO basically, H bought me and his ex the same flowers- and he bought me and SD the same perfume.

And I looked at the bag he gave me and saw that it was a free gift with purchase of Nautica's "My Voyage" perfume. SO basically, H bought her a perfume and gave me the gift bag because she wouldn't want it.

I don't oppose to him giving the kids money to go buy their mom a mother's day present.....It just bothers me that he picks it out, doesn't even take them with him, and then every single thing he got me, he got her or SD the same..

I wish that he would get me something that he didn't get for anyone else.

I do think that he got me a very nice present/the perfume and flowers.

But I will not be able to use that bag.

I am just going to put it away in the closet, and not say anything to him.

» hhhh's blog | 159 reads

Woah.

Submitted by jc (not verified) on Sun, 05/11/2008 - 3:38pm.

Woah.

I would FREAK out if my DH bought flowers for his ex. Flowers are generally from fathers, not kids. Also, I would at the very least expect to get red flowers while she got white....

As far as the perfume? WHY is he buying his daughter expensive perfume when there is no special occasion? It is Mother's Day NOT Daughter's Day...not only that but I would expect him to replace the perfume she took from you (or better yet make her replace it) AND get you something else. It is not much of a gift if he is just replacing what his kid stole from you.

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you're right- he doesn't

Submitted by hhhh on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 8:02am.

you're right- he doesn't think that way
the flowers were the exact same....i had to come downstairs to two vases next to each other with the same flowers in them, until one was taken to her.

i know that the reason he bought that perfume for his daughter was because since she stole the last one from me, he knew that if she didn't have her own, she'd be using mine all the time. when he first got it for me, for valentines, she kept asking to borrow it and then would use a ton, and it went very fast. and finally she just took what was left. i found the empty bottle in her room- and then she moved on to borrowing the only other perfume i had.

but she doesn't know the reason- she probably thinks he bought it for her because he doesn't buy anything for me without buying the same for her- and this adds to her entitlement complex for sure

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Wow

Submitted by stressedoutsm on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 9:00am.

Chava I have been reading your posts over the last year, I don't post often but I like reading others posts to get a feel of what other women are dealing with. And I have to say that your situation is awful-why don't you leave him? It just seems like there is no respect or effort to change on the rest of your familys part....your a bigger woman than me-I don't know what I would do in your situation but it must be terrible stressful.....

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A lot of people ask why I

Submitted by hhhh on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 9:41am.

A lot of people ask why I don't leave.

This guy is an expert at keeping other people under his thumb.
His first wife, he takes care of everything for her- he was told and she was told, about everything that she could get out of him if they legally divorced, everything that she would be entitled to. So instead he pays for all her stuff, and that way she isn't in a position to do anything to him, because she'd lose all that.

And he promised me a lot to get me to move her with my son. I believed him and was very naiive. I packed only what we could fit into my small car. Eventually I gave the car to my brother. I left grad school....
We came to a very expensive area, broke and with nothing, having left everything behind. He had promised me that he would be my partner, so I had nothing to worry about.

But as he says "Things have changed"- I'm not his partner. I'm paying all my and my son's bills and expenses with my job, and that leaves nothing for a rent or car payment. If I leave, I have to have his help or go into poverty....he does have it all.

He has both his first and me totally under his control and can threaten and push for whatever he wants. I have to clean and take care of his kids to stay in the house....and if I leave I don't have to do those things, but I will need his help, and he can cut me off whenever he wants.

Anyway, I'm a very patient person- other women tell me what they would say or do, and they are right...but if I do what's normal and right, I only suffer more in this house.

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Chava

Submitted by Cruella on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 9:09am.

From the point of someone who has read many of your posts I wanted to point something out. Chava it seems this man has the mind set of a Polygamist. I had a friend once that came from Jordan. He once told me in his country a man can have up to 4 wives. He said by law that a man must take care of all his wives equally. You have to make sure if you get one thing for one wife then an equal present must be given to another. It blew my mind that this is happening in modern times.

I don't know but that is what came to my mind when reading your post. I think somehow and legally he is carrying the life of a polygamist even though he may claim that is not what he is doing. From the outside looking in it sure does look like it. Even though you may be an unwilling participant take a good look at you situation and really think about it. The man has it all. You have to share your man with another woman. Not cool. You deserve so much more. I would be highly offended if my man held me on the same level as another woman.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

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OH, I have had the exact

Submitted by hhhh on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 9:34am.

OH, I have had the exact same thought- I knew a man from Oman who told me about the four wives and the equal treatment, and I did think the same thing....

I am highly offended also. Believe me, he promised me many times that he was going to legally divorce her and I don't mean this to sound like I want to be taken care of, but this is what he said "I'm going to cut her off and take care of you only"

But even when we went to Express, shopping, he had his daughter buy her mom an outfit, too.

But in fact, it isn't even the same level. It seems to me that I'm below her.

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The fact he isn't divorced

Submitted by Cruella on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 9:44am.

and still refers to you as his wife spiritually makes it even more true.

Your SD is old enough to purchase her own gifts for her mother. She is not a small child anymore.

I know you see his line of thinking is totally off. With that said you really need to get out of this situation and spirtually divorce him. You will always come last in his eyes. That is not fair to you as a person. You have to want better for yourself and find the courage to finally leave this man. Chava you have to love yourself more. Trust me it took years for me to discover this. I put up with quite a few wacko relationships myself before I got myself to a point of not putting up with the BS anymore.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

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I'm hoping that at the point

Submitted by hhhh on Tue, 05/13/2008 - 11:28am.

I'm hoping that at the point where school starts, and I'm on my own, maybe some of this attachment to him will end.
I don't really understand it at all. It's so clear to everyone, including me. I come last, I always have, always will....and of course I want to come first to somebody.

It just seems so weird, I can't believe I'm actually in this situation-

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