Step Talk

when my DH's 12 year old son comes to stay with us. in fact, i often feel REALLY uncomfortable in my OWN home! personally, it's uncomfortable for me b/c i think the expectation is there that i must love and warm up to children that don't belong to me. and it's that expectation that makes everything uncomfortable. i even find myself disliking my SS because of the way that his presence makes me feel, and then of course, i feel guilty. this is a cycle i go through again and again. it helps if you step outside of a parenting role and just try the 'buddy' thing. but that gets hard too, when they start breaking rules or behaving in a way that you don't agree with - and then you have to find a way to assist in the parenting thing with DH and if your DH is anything like mine, it doesn't go over well and i feel like the bad guy. which again, perpetuates my dislike for SS and my dislike for having him here. see the cycle? understand that talking about your feelings with your DH will help immensely. i however, cannot, becasue my DH won't talk about it and gets very very defensive if anything is said about his kid that isn't glowing. so like i said, the cycle continues.

you might be in for a tough road. adolescent kids are tough to warm up to even when they are your own, never mind some other woman's that your DH used to be with. i know my SS is a constant reminder of my DH's past and subconsciously, it bugs me and feels to me that it's unfair that i be expected to help with the responsibility of a child that not only i didn't create but a child that i don't even have a bond with. but i try to be even handed, fair and kind to him when he's here. that's about all i can muster at this moment. good luck my friend...and remember to repeat to yourself 'not my kids, not my problem.' over and over when things get tough. and they will.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

Thank god, I'm not the only one! I too feel the resentment/guilt cycle. And I hate that I elected to put myself through this. I often wonder if I should just back out before I get any deeper, but everything is so perfect when the SK's aren't there. I feel guilty for even saying that! The whole thing is a lot more complicated that I ever thought it would be... I am so thankful for a place where people feel the same as I do!

You're definitely not alone. It's complicated that's for sure. You can't blame yourself for the situation, you can't choose who you fall in love with, and until you are in the situation you can't imagine how hard and complex it is. The best you can do is try to build a relationship with each child. Get to know them. The teens will be tough. My relationship with my SD9 is more like my relationship with my nieces, an Auntie role. So I'm not a parental figure, nor a peer figure, but a caring adult figure.

I am feeling more apart of my family with time and effort, but there are still times that it feels awkward. Did you spend much time with the kids before you moved in?

My sentiments EXACTLY.

i feel like im just sat there invisible in my house when the skids are there

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

that all bio parents must take WITH their prospective partners and future stepparents of their kids beforehand. to help the bioparents understand what the stepparent will be subjected to (and i use the word 'subjected' because it's almost like punishment sometimes!) and to help us understand the bioparents. i have no idea what biomoms and stepdads go through, but coming from a stepmom with the biodad, this 'disneyland dad' syndrome is sickening and his kid totally gets off on it and LOVES the fact that i have NO say in my own house when he's here because he knows his dad will veto it. all this talking about it is getting me upset. i think this weekend, when the skid is here, i'm taking a new stance. again. i have GOT to take control back of my house. and if DH corrects or undermines me in front of skid like he usually does, *sigh*, i will do what i usually would NOT do and that is 'have a very frank discussion with DH in FRONT of skid so that skid witnesses me putting my foot down and he needs to learn and firmly understand that i too, am someone to be respected in this household.' ESPECIALLY since i am the one doing ALL the cooking ALL the cleaning. so, if his dad wont' get that message across, it's u to me. yeah, i've had enough.

sorry for the rant.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

start talking about "old times" or the bm's relatives (they go on & on) about people I don't know & don't care to know---- I usually just find a reason to go to the store or check my email or EJECT. My husband knows that I can only take the kids (his/mine/yours)for so long & when their visits last 7 hours I wanna shoot myself. BUT because it only happens on holidays I can be a big girl and smile.

But something just perfect happened yesterday (Mother's Day). My kids were very polite around my dh & didn't mention their dad or that side of the family. He noticed it & I emphasized that my children know it is rude to monopolize the conversation with topics that all present are not familiar or comfortable with. It isn't that the subject is off limits, but it is RUDE. I think he got the message loud and clear.