Step Talk

This is gonna be a problem. I'm willing to bet that your fiance feels like your daughter doesn't like her and that's why she's trying so hard to "win her over." This will pan out into BEING offended if your little girl doesn't eat what your fiance fixes, etc.

And of course, your fiance is probably frightened because she feels that if your daughter doesn't like her, somehow down the line YOU won't like her (so to speak) and your entire relationship will be blown to hell. Sounds like overthinking?? You betcha. But we're women. We overthink. It's what we do.

Okay so! You need to sit your fiance down and tell her point blank:

"'Jill' likes you just fine. You can leave the kid alone and it's not going to bother anyone. SHE wants to be left alone. The kid is an introvert, it's not that she doesn't like you, she does. However, she is content to be left alone and it's not a reflection on you.
You need to back off of her and let her be, and it WILL be uncomfortable at first, but you need to crawl out of her butt. The more you try and get up there, the worse you make it."

Then I would have 'Jill' maybe make an effort to spend a LITTLE time with your fiance so it isn't all one way or the other. Maybe have 'Jill' ask her to watch a movie with her or look at some bugs, because I can guarantee you your fiance feels VERY left out of that part of your (and her) life.

Is that an acceptable compromise?? What do you think?

Fearless

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Soon to be Fearless the Free!

in fact, i couldnt have said it better myself!
have u explained to yr fiancee the way yr daughter is just as u have explained to us? if not, please do and if so, then i think u just need to reassure her bc shes probably feeling very awkward and out of place and just wants yr daughters approval so badly that she doesnt realize shes making it worse. also, i agree w fearless, yet again, that your daughter needs to spend a bit of time w her too...maybe even something y'all can do together if that would make it more comfortable for her.
im guessing this is all just bc everyone is feeling kinda out of place w the new roles...i think we all get like that at times.

Create a situation or event where there are other adults, your fiancée and your daughter present to show how your daughter is an introvert with those adults as well. I'm an introvert and there are a few people where my shyness goes away. I think if your fiancée sees it happens with others, she won't take it personally. As an introvert, I can concur with your daughter, the harder someone tries to win me over the more reluctant I am to want to interact with that person.

Applecore, what Fearless said! We women do tend to overthink and worry about things. Just communicate and be patient.

Georgie

The issue over the food says it all for me. I think it's all related. Your fiance is fixing meals that your daughter won't eat. She's trying to make a connection with your child, who isn't interested in forming a relationship with her. You've set all sorts of boundaries with her son, which I assume she has backed you up on, but then you're not backing her up when it comes to your daughter. I think the food thing totally illustrates what's going on. Your fiance is the one making all the effort, your daughter is not reciprocating, and instead of supporting your fiance, you're making excuses for your daughter. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that this is pretty close to your fiance's perspective on the situation. True or not, I bet she feels this way.

Look, I fix one meal. One. Everyone eats it. Period. There are no special meals for anyone. You eat what's in front of you. You try a little of everything on your plate. Everyone's entitled to have their favorites and I definitely take that into consideration and not make things that my family members absolutely hate, but the rule is that there's one meal fixed in my house and we all share it. If fiance's son is expected to eat what's in front of him while your daughter is allowed to subsist on bread and fruit, then there are going to be problems. Finicky or not, she needs a balanced diet. If you've set rules for fiance's son, established boundaries with him and have gotten fiance's support in this, then you have to make a similar effort to back up fiance with her own boundaries. The boundary thing works both ways. You're definition of "boundary" means something to protect your daughter from, what? Interference or unwanted involvement with your fiance? But your fiance may be trying to set a boundary where she feels respected as your co-equal in the home. Fiance may expect your daughter to acknowledge her presence in her own home, which is just basic respect, in my opinion. They don't have to spend hour upon hour braiding each other's hair and singing Kumbaya, but if you intend to marry this woman AND keep your daughter and her son in your lives, then you really should be encouraging your daughter to acknowledge your fiance's presence and to participate in the family atmosphere. Not 100% of the time, she definitely has a right to enjoy some alone time, but certainly at least part of the time. That's just what families do.

I have a 10yo son who is a lot like your daughter. He has an active social life, but when he's not with friends, he wants nothing more than to be locked in his room with his books on evolution, his Pokemon cards, his art supplies and his Nintendo DS. He could probably stay in his room all day without interacting with anyone and be perfectly happy. He had a really hard time adjusting when I married DH and he gained new siblings, as well as a new stepdad, all at once. It was a big change. He went from being an only child to one of five. He was used to his "alone time" and I had to make sure he did get plenty of that. But I also had to make sure that he had plenty of exposure to and interaction with his new family members. That's how you become a family... proximity, interaction, involvement, conversation, participation.

My advice is to sit down with fiance and find out exactly what her expectations are when it comes to your daughter and find out what she expects of you as far as supporting her as a co-parent in the home to both the children. Then find a compromise that suits you both. I would start encouraging your daughter to participate more in the family, to eat a little bit of everything on her plate, to acknowledge her stepmother-to-be's presence and role in the family and to be appreciative of the effort your fiance is making to forge a relationship with her. Becoming a stepmother is hard work. It's impossible work if you don't have the support of your stepchildren's father.

You have to find some compromise, else it'll never work. You can't be raising your daughter one way while she is raising her son a totally different way in the same house. If you can't come to a meeting of the minds on how you will parent both children equally and the same together, then give it up now.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you tolerate her son basically ignoring you? I know all kids have their own personalities, and that's fine. But you have to make an effort somewhere. Do you really want you daughter to eat only bread and fruit? Petite for a 9 year old child because of being a picky eater is nothing short of a bad diet. It's akin to anorexia. I have my 7 year old niece who lives with me. She's only been here a month and people think she's malnutrition because she is so little. It's sad and not at all healthy. Of course, that's why your the parent, to set those rules and make sure they are healthy.

Your finance no doubt believes that you are issuing her a double standard. an "I can set boundaries with your son but you cannot set boundaries with my daughter." I know, that's not what you mean, but Fearless said it right, we are women and we tend to over analyze things.

You are the parent, you should be having your daughter learn to participate more in family matters and at least acknowledge the other people in the household. Encourage her to try some new foods. Start with something you know she likes and add one thing she usually doesn't eat. Keep doing this until she has a few more choices that bread and fruit. Like Georgia, I fix one meal for 6 people and if they don't like it, they don't have to eat it, but they don't get anything else either. I also, like Georgia, tend to fix the meals I know they will eat. I also will fix each child their favorite meal at least once a week, so everyone gets to have their favorite at some point.

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

All kids are treated equally in my home. Two kids are extraverts and 1 an introvert. I fix one meal and if they don't eat it then they can go hungry. My husband has the EXACT same mindset. The price of food is way too high to be picky. Some kids just won't try new things. I am going to say a "Momism". If you put that plate in front of a starving hungry child from a third world country that doesn't have that privledge will that child turn it down? I don't think so. She is picky because you have allowed her to be. My children were the same until I put my foot down.

I was very much an introvert when I was a child however my parents taught me to respect the adults. I was not allowed to simply ignore anyone. I was polite and acknowledged my elders. My parents would shut my TV off and send me outside to play with other kids so I would learn some social skills. I know for me I won't be ignored in my home no matter what personality a child has. I simply won't let a child disrespect me and ignoring your fiance is disrespectful. Children need to know the difference between an adult and a child.

If you baby your daughter but set "rules" for SS that will set a formula for resentment and disaster in your relationship. Remember that your fiance will be an adult in your home with FULL parental authority. You need to give her that respect. BTW how do you think her son will feel when he sees that your daughter has different rules and more privliges.

BTW all of my Skids are CRAZY about me and we are very close. The introverted SS was quiet but never ignored me.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

How much time have your daughter and fiance spent around each other? Obviously you have known your BD all of her life. Maybe your fiance isn't as perceptive about your BD and her needs / wants as you are. I agree with Fearless in that your fiance might feel that if your BD doesn't like her then it will make you rethink whether or not this is the right woman for you and the right SM for your BD.

As for the part about your fiance feeling awkward trying to ignore your daughter I can see where see is coming from. If my DH asked me to ignore one of my SKids I would feel the same way. I make it a point to do things with the SKids when we have them so they feel they are a part of our lives and our family and so they don't feel like they are just "weekend visitors" or simply "company" in our house.

Have your fiance and daughter been able to connect on anything? There must be something that they have been able to do together. Encourage your daughter and fiance to do those things together that have connected on and then your fiance will get to know your BD better and be able to understand her wants/needs the way you do.

Have your fiance and BD ever sat down and had a talk to try to get to know each other? I agree that it would be good for your fiance to hear from you that your BD really does like her, but it would go a lot farther with your fiance to actually hear it from your BD. Once your fiance knows that your BD does like her then it may be easier to accept that your BD isn’t being disrespectful to her. And in turn your fiance might be able to "back off" as you put it.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!

I appreciate the insight from the several different viewpoints. I'm going to keep working on the situation. This weekend was a bit rocky at first but ended on a good note.

I would like to clarify a few things though because I was vague in my initial post. After I re-read it I realized I made it sound as if my daughter lives off of apples and wonder bread. She does have a healthy diet she is just very picky. I should have been more specific. She'll eat pasta dishes with vegetables, certain casseroles, and several Italian dishes. I did make it sound as if she might have an eating disorder. Male definition of bread = things bread-like or things with bread in them or things associated with bread. That was my actual thought process when I typed that. HAHA, my bad.

Also, no one in our home ignores anyone else. If I inferred people were being ignored I didn't mean to. I wouldn't tolerate that. My daughter does respond to my fiance she just doesn't initialize very many conversations. I'd say the ration is 1:8.

I do have a few more questions from you all. First off, is it fiance or fiancee? One is male and one is female and I have no idea which is which.

Ok. On the food situation I make three dishes that her son will not eat. I just toss him something into the toaster oven and he eats that while we have what I made. No big deal. Now, I'm old enough to know that not every situation is a two-way street. Is this one of those situations where genders differ and it is not the same thing?

After reading all the input I'm thinking maybe I need to have my fiance talk to me about my kids and what we can do to help her feel things are more balanced.

Here's an example that will give some insight into the dynamic that is going on here. Her son's grades were poor when we met. I work with him on his homework because she simply does not have the time. We have made some decent progress; however, a while back I became quite exasperated with him over his spelling. I make him get a 50% on Monday and increase it 10% each day. On one particular Thursday I spent 4 hours with him on test attempts. 10% is only 2 more correct words a day - I don't think that is asking too much. I felt if he didn't want to take the time to learn the words why waste my time taking test after test. So now I give him 2 attempts a day. If he can't make the set goal then he goes to his room until she gets home. That's an example of a boundary that I have set with him.

My kids are here for 27 hours a week. There just isn't enough time for the same types of issues I have had with her son to develop. Not saying there won't be issues but it seems impossible for them to be the same type of issues. I'm now starting to think because I have had many talks with her about her son perhaps she feels she needs to have talks with me about mine. After this weekend I started seeing it as if maybe she is trying to compete.

I'll see if perhaps I can get her to type me a letter and maybe that will help her get her feelings out in the open. Again, thanks for helping me look at this from different points of view.

"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17

Introverts be damned! Sorry guys, but that's the message I'm reading here.

I'm an introvert & a step daughter. People who violate my space end up being hated by me. When I need you to back off, I'll tell you, & then you'd better back off. I think you're fiance needs to stop forcing a bond there. Let it happen naturally. My mother tried to force a bond between me & my stepfather, & we're both introverts. It DID make it worse. Since I stepped back & disengaged, we've been getting along great. I was even at the house this past weekend & my SF was treating me like he enjoyed my company! I couldn't believe it!

As an introvert, I'd say the best way for your fiance to approach your daughter is to invite her into whatever she is doing, & let her join in when she feels comfortable. And don't take it personally if it takes time. Eventually she'll come around unless your fiance tries to force her way in.

Food is another subject altogether. If your daughter won't eat what is cooked then she can fix her own food or go hungry. Your fiance is not running a restaurant.

Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"

How does you daughter feel about this situation? Does she think your fiance is pushing in some way or is this your interpretation of how your daughter feels? I think it would be good for your daughter and fiance to have a sit down talk about this and come to an agreement on their own that hopefully suits them both. In stead of you being in the middle let them talk about it so you don't end up just being a messenger who could get the message a little mixed up when you try to deliver it back and forth.

That's just the way I would try to handle it if it were me.

I keep thinking about this one today... I feel sory for your fiance because it sounds like she may be trying too hard to feel like she fits in with your daughter.

Is this issue coming up because of something your daughter said to you/your fiance or just something that you see as an issue? Has your daughter said something to you or your fiance about needing some space or just wanting to be left alone?

I really think opening the lines of communication between your fiance and your daughter would go along way toward both of them understanding each other better and then building on the relationship one step at a time from there.

I wish you good luck on this one.

Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!

I think we came up with something to get this smoothed out. We are going to list what we expect out of each child. We also realized (which someone here pointed out) we have different parenting styles. So we are going to "nail down" house rules so we can both be on the same page.

Once finished were going to go over the house rules with all the kids and then find out what they expect out of us. Hopefully this will give my daughter a chance to open up. It sounds good in theory! Hope it doesn't end up like that video someone posted, "Yup, Good, Dunno, Sorta." Anyhow, thanks all.

"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17