All families will have disagreements. Differing opinions are healthy; they help expand views and education. However, DH's family equates disagreeing to daggers. Meaning, when they disagree, there is no temptation to deliver their opinion in any palatable form. They'll take their opinion, shove it down your throat, slat the shit out of you with it, claim it's what Jesus would do and then seal their ears and brains shut.
My family disagrees all the time. The majority of my family are college educated, have traveled the world, and are open to differing opinions. It is nothing for any of us to disagree on any particular subject. However, the majority of the time, my family members are able to separate subject matter from personal attacks.
My family values peace. DH's family does not. In terms of varying types of personalities, both of our families have different types. What unites the different types in my family is an overall desire for peace and harmony. DH's family huffs and puffs about "family" all the time, yet they'll slice another "family" members throat at any given second.
This symptom of dysfunction spreads far and wide throughout DH's entire family. There is no rationalizing with them. If you disagree, you are an outcast. You're a sinner, you're going to hell, and every justification they can come up with for how they treated you will get yanked either out of the bible or out of their ass.
My family is capable of resilience, and it's that resilience and desire to be family, that keeps us together. It is a trait that is shared throughout my family, among blood and non-blood relatives. The step-relatives in my family come from all over the country, and most don't even know each other. They come from a variety of classes, educational background, religions and regions. While they are all quite different from each other, they are all alike and much different than anyone in my DH's family. They have all evolved.
To my DH's family, the way they behave is all the know and it's the best way. They have all the answers. They have no room to point fingers, yet pointing fingers is exactly what they do best.
My DH has no "family" among them, none of them. They could care less about him, as a father, as a son, as a human being. It has always been about what he needs to do for all of them, and nothing he could ever do would be enough.
MIL gave me a swift reminder yesterday, of their family's dysfunction. By now, I'm sure everyone in DH's family is aware of her Jesus approved, sanctimonious behavior.
And while I'm tempted to show her some good old-fashioned retaliation, I'm reminded to do the right thing, even when giving her back what she gave me would feel so much better.
I am grateful not to come from a family who hates. We may squabble, but we do not spread hate. My family loves and treats my husband with respect, despite all his faults. My family puts VALUE on peace. They contribute to it. They don't look to turn every interaction into an opportunity for war. In fact, the ONLY people I know who have used the term "war" regarding family members, specifically me, has been used by my husband's family. I've never known any other family to be at war, talk about "war" or work their asses off to stay in war.
It's not just DH's SD's who I, and others, need to disengage from. It's everyone in his family. It has been bred into all of them.
Oh well, guess they can also keep bitching because we spend way more time with my family than any of them. Go figure!
My family is like DHs accept
My family is like DHs accept for the church going and married people. We are bunch of sluts lol
It always seems to me that
It always seems to me that the people who point fingers and judge the most are the ones who have no right or room to do so. However, they often have nothing better to do, or are angry over something, or both. And they often have very little to no friends. They can't keep friends for long. I had some friends much like your MIL, and oddly enough, they were/are some poor soul's stepkids. While they got a nice sounding board for all their vitriol, I got nothing out of being friends with them. They never let me get a word in edgewise or took any suggestions I offered to better their situations. I got sick of hearing so much hate and had to cut them out of my life.
My suggestion would be to try to get to know the people in DH's family better who aren't toxic, ie. his cousin, any nieces/nephews, etc. Getting rid of toxicity has been so helpful for me.
Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8
My DH's family, and
My DH's family, and surrounding community are loaded with alcoholics and addicts. My family has never had either, as far as I've known and as far as I can trace back (and I'm into genealogy).
I've sat here and listened to DH's stepfather talk about how ignorant democrats are, how horribly irresponsible deadbeat dads are and how nasty addicts are. He's an alcoholic. Sshhhhhh, nobody is supposed to know that goes to his basement and gets loaded out of his skull on a weekly basis. That is so typical.
Guess it goes back to the old school of thought, that when you are doing something wrong, it offers relief to point out how much worse what everybody else is doing is.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
DH's family is what I term
DH's family is what I term sneaky mean.
They run their interference and do what I say stuff fakely.
With a smile and sweet voice, and caveat everything they do
with a 'it's just in DHs best interest and for his protection
that we do it'.
Bull poopedy doo!
They do it because he is finally in a healthy relationship and
they no longer are able to pull the strings in his life and guide
him into what they want him to do.
Sadly for them, it doesn't affect OUR relationship, it affects THIER
relationship with DH.
Of course, I'm going to get the blame but I could give two rats asses
about that. Gotta care about your opinions to ever have you hurt my
FEE FEES.
I do not like toxic people.
******
My IPOD says you are full of bullshit!
My mother and her siblings
My mother and her siblings are like your dh's family. It is sad, really. Fortunately, my brothers and I managed to get past it and have healthy relationships with each other and other people. Any disagreement with my mother puts you with her enemies. Any suggestion that she look at her own behavior or any contributions she may have made to any of her current circumstances are met with shouting and degradation.
I often say (and, of course, she has no idea I mean her because seh assumes she is perfect) you have a choice in life. You can be right all the time and be alone or you can accept someone else may disagree with you and have peace. She chooses to alienate herself and then plays the victim about it.
StepAside you have described
StepAside you have described my inlaws perfectly with the exception of backing up their hate and judgment with the Bible. They instead seem to go by some sort of unwritten "code" that is essentially a bunch of bullshit they made up. My inlaws think it is perfectly acceptable to steal from one another, lie to each other, and say hateful and nasty things to one another-and then the next day they act like it never happened. I asked my sil recently to explain this to me as I truly was curious as to why she was still inviting my bil and his gf to her home after she said that they both stole from her and lied to her on a number of occassions. She told me, "The difference with MY family is that we all really love one another, and have gone through alot of tough times, so we are always there for one another". She went on to tell me that since MY family had never been through tough times I wouldnt be able to understand. Never mind that this woman didnt even know me til I was an adult, has probably never even spoke to anyone in my family of origin, but she was somehow able to discern with her keen powers of observation that her family loves each other more than mine and my family has never experienced any tough times.
Well ok whatever. If she wants to call lying, stealing, and talking about each behind one's back LOVE then ok-but I call it low class, immoral type behavior. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes and I think it is ok to forgive and forget but this is how these people live their lives.
My family on the other hand have never stole from each other, we dont lie to one another, nor have I ever cursed and screamed and name called toward ANY member of my family of origin including extended family-aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins. We just dont roll that way. We generally like one another. Are civilized people.
Currently dh is only talking to Mil and that is not with any sort of regularity. I figure the less contact with the white trash the better.
hismineandours - I refer to
hismineandours - I refer to these kind of church going folk (your and SA's inlaws) as "Pick Your Sin Christians". They are on the bible cafeteria plan. Some of my family members are as well. It's why I dropped out of church years and years ago.
"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
Michael Caine
Exactly. I've heard how
Exactly. I've heard how "tight" they are because they are "family" and "family" means everything to them.
Whatever.
The proof is in the pudding. My DH's sister has been to see him 3 times in 20 years, and we live 4 hours away. I see my brother every single year at least once, and he lives on the other side of the country. She never calls him, ever. He is disposable to all of them. Occasionally a daughter will squeal.. "Daddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!", posturing like a peacock with his feathers spread for all to see.
I don't need to squeal, and make a public display, for anyone to know that I love my father.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
My experience with my family
My experience with my family has always been they can spout off on every single one of their Christian ideals but I can only contribute if I'm in agreement. My opposing opinions and views are discouraged. I've actually been told I cannot discuss religion or politics with my family, however they bring it up frequently and make snarky comments to me about how they "think" or "believe" I feel. Whenever I respond, I'm get reminded that I'm not allowed to respond to anything having to do with these subjects.
My family if very hypcritical.
I remember about 10 years ago or so, my oldest niece (who is my sister's SD) had her car keyed while she was in a neighboring city having fun with her friends. My sister went out and got the three estimates, turned in the biggest estimate to the insurance company and took the car to the one that gave her the lowest one.
This is my "Christian, bible thumping, I never sin" sister. She was bragging about the money they made. I pointed out they are technically stealing. She argued with me and said they weren't because insurance companies rip you off on the premiums. I said "Because of people like you that steal from them, you're not making the situation better. Not only that, you're teaching your SD that it's okay to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate the system. You are putting out some bad Karma there."
My sister responded that she doesn't believe in Karma. I said "Yes you do, Christians call it reaping what you sow."
A few years later, my sister and BIL had to file bankruptcy on their business. They lost their business and my sister's mini-van. A few years ago, their house was in foreclosure. They are horrible with money but I can't help but think they have tried to rip off the system enough times that it came back around and bit them in the butt.
However they all think I'm the horrible one because I'm not a Christian with morals and values.
"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
Michael Caine
When I think of a strong
When I think of a strong Christian, I think of a man who is friends with our family, and thousands of people look up to him. He has never preached a single word to me or my husband. His actions speak for him, and his life draws people in.
My husband said he plans to eat at Chik-Fil-A tomorrow, so I suppose he agrees with his mother. She is the reason we no longer go to a Baptist church. I thought I believed in Jesus Christ, until I married her son. After watching her present herself as Jesus Christ's right hand man, while simultaneously condemning others and living a very different life than what the Word read, I was completely turned off by "religion".
I don't believe God works through people like her, and I think she is too wrapped up in what she thinks she knows, to be permeated by any spirit. If anything, folks like her post as hindrances to people new to the Christian faith.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
Your MIL sounds like she's a
Your MIL sounds like she's a member of that Westboro Baptist Church.
I got out of the church for a similar reason. After sitting and watching these christians lie, back-stab, cheat and steal......I realized how hypocritical most people that go to church can be. Not all, but most. Like my family. Always with the new christian fads and judgments.
My mother still refuses to watch any of the Lord of the Rings movies because she thinks they're demonic and satanic. Despite my telling her the author of the books was a Christian scholar. She refused to watch Philadelphia because it dealt with a gay man and Aids. I explained it had to do with civil rights, it wasn't just about a gay man.
However she is completely okay watching Pretty Woman and Chicago, which are basically movies about prostitutes, thieves and murderers.
I still don't get it.
"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
Michael Caine
My MIL used to argue that
My MIL used to argue that dinosaurs never existed. Scientists concocted the theory of dinosaurs to prove evolution. Somewhere along the line she changed her tune but never retracted her argument .
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
Don't turn from religion
Don't turn from religion because of one mans actions or opinions.
My inlaws are not Christians.
My inlaws are not Christians. Their code involves more things like,"don't be a snitch". It's apparently no one business if you have a pot farm. If someone does something bad cover it up at all costs. If one family member has something they've worked for- other family members should be able to take it if they have less than you. You respect your father at all costs, BOY. ( my fil calls my dh boy)-even when your father is a narcissistic stoner. Family does not include your daughter in law or her children- even if that child is your bio grandchild. it is considered a good thing to try and turn family members against one another to include talking to one grandchild about another grandchild. It's ok to totally cut your stepgrandchild in public even when she is waving at you and saying hi.
i have the sameproblem. they
i have the sameproblem. they r all one ibg dysfuntional family. theyclaim to value family but they are judgemental, gossipping evil people who in 20 years never even gave me more than a hello. so ive never had a relationship with them. they d rather be friends with his ex who screwed his cousins husband. sickos is what they are.