Ok here is my crazy blended situation. I am 45 M I have been married twice. Once for eight years I had two SDs. I was married the second time for 16 years and had a SS and SD that were 4 months and 4 years old when I married my ex wife. I raised these children and they had zero contact from there BF. There BM has remarried.......the SC consider me there father. They are now 20 and 16 the 16 year old stepson lives with the ex wife.......I am now remarried my wife is 38 and a nurse. She has three BC that are all moved from home they are all young adults. She also has two SC from her last marriage ( she also has been married three times ) Right now we live together in our home and no children live with us. We have been married a year and we have a wonderful marriage except for one issue. She has had no contact with her SC since we married and she also raised them for 15 years however there BM was in there life. She says she doesn't contact them because she wants to start a new life with me without our past being drug in. She hates that I take my SS about once a month and am involved in his life. She wants me to have no contact with any of my SC. I have no BC of my own. I love all four of these kids I raised and plan to always be in there life as they want me too. This causes much jealousy and resentment to her. I'm afraid I'm going to end up loosing her and in every other part of our life she makes me very happy. My question is .....am I wrong to love me stepchildren from previous marriage and want them to be a part of my life or should I take the easy road and have nothing to do with any of them and have no baggage with my wife and go forward in my life with her. I'm a man and I don't have a problem telling her its the way it is and take it or leave it. On the other hand I sure would hate to loose her if my thinking is wrong on this and I'm just not letting go of my past and I should.......this is really bothering me. It is a big issue right now because my SD is getting married in three weeks and she has asked me to give her away. My wife says she will not go to the wedding with me because it is too painful for her. I cant understand that reaction.
See them away from her and if
See them away from her and if she dont like it tough.
I could understand her
I could understand her feelings if your were neglecting her or spending massive amounts of money on them...But that does not sound like the case here. She sounds VERY VERY controlling. (If it were me...I would tell her that they do not take up enough of your time to justify her reaction so she needs to get over it.
I will say she is not a
I will say she is not a controlling wife at all. She is actually a very submissive wife. This issue just really seems to hurt her. I hate that it does because she really is a sweetheart and one of the nicest persons you will meet. I think she has some trust issues with me and thinks I may go back to my ex or something crazy like that in her mind. Truth is I wouldn't trade her for ten of the ex
No you are not wrong. If you
No you are not wrong. If you choose to have your SS from your previous marriages a part of your life now you should. You developed bonds with them, it doesn't make sense to end the relationship simply because you aren't married to their BM. Perhaps your new wife is jealous of your good relationships with your SS. SFs tend to have better relationships with their SC than SMs do so perhaps she doesn't have a good one with her SC? If she chooses not to go to the wedding that is unfortunate for her but the fact that your SD asked you to give her away is beautiful and your wife shouldn't make you feel about that. I think you need to tell her that you love her very much but that you treasure your relationship with your SC and you are not going to back away from those realationships and she has to accept that.
I guess I have left one
I guess I have left one important point out. Thru the divorce th SC BM made our life hell and would not stop calling me and trying to get me to come back to her ( she cheated ) However in the last 8 months or so since she remarried she has not bothered us in any way. I do not spend alot of money on them and I do not spend much time with them at all when I do I try to schedule it when my wife is working. I just thought maybe I was being unreasonable. She just keeps telling me I cant let go of my past.......well the truth is when it comes to my SC I dont want to. Im going to try to have a long talk with her when I get home tonight. I dont know if her opinion will change but im not giving in.
Well, I'd say if she wasn't
Well, I'd say if she wasn't put through anything while being with you concerning the BM and the children, as many of us live through daily, I'd say, what exactly is her issue then?
If you aren't paying CS, there's no major issues with visitations, etc..and your SC are fairly grown and not demanding, I would see no issues if you were maintaining a relationship.
I'm just wondering if it stems from what their Mother did making your life hell that has caused her to want you to wash your hands of all of it.
******
My IPOD says you are full of bullshit!
Im thinking yes that is the
Im thinking yes that is the reason she really cant stand my ex and I dont blame her for that. However the sc are not responsible for that.
My .02 cents is that she
My .02 cents is that she married you knowing you had a relationship with your SC so she should not expect you to drop it now. The SC are pretty much grown and will soon fade into their own lives, get busy, etc. It's not like they will be very intrusive into your lives. You don't pay for them. The BM is not calling anymore. You're not spending a lot of time with them. So the problem the Wife has is not so much yours as it is hers.
She feels insecure and has trust baggage from her own past that she hasn't dealt with completely yet. So she's projecting her fears on you, trying to control your life to make herself feel better. That doesn't work. You could drop the SC and resolve that issue but she'll find something new to worry about because she has some unhealed holes in her heart.
I would suggest to her that she gets some therapy to work through her issues--the ones she had before you. You'll have to be firm and not let her put her fears on you. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be controlling but she's operating out of that fear instead of love. Once she has some perspective from the outside by getting to the root of when she learned not to trust & work through the lessons she needs to absorb, that hole will start to heal & maybe she'll be more able to see the innocence of your actions and lay off of you.
Good luck!
My happiness is my responsibility. Your kid is your responsibility.
I'm sure I will be seen as a
I'm sure I will be seen as a selfish witch here - but if a man of mine were taking time away from US to spend it with kids that WERE NOT HIS OWN, he wouldn't be a man of mine for very long. You owe it to your new wife to get the kids out of your life. You don't owe those kids the time of day.
Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.
I deal with her exes and her
I deal with her exes and her children. While these kids are not biological they both think of me as there father and they really like and fully respect my wife so its not like there are issues of disrespect these are very well behaved kids. I agree with the post above yours it all comes down to a trust issue. The time these children take away from my wife and I is very minimal. My stepson is joining the marines right after school he is in ROTC now. My stepdaughter is to marry a marine in a couple of weeks and they are moving to Japan. We talked about it last night and to be honest I think she is really childish about the issue and her reaction surprises me. I'm not sure if we get thru this or not but if she told me what you just said above I would show her the door. She is trying to understand and this wedding I think is the issue of her fear. It will be awkward for all of us with me giving my stepdaughter away....it was her wish I do so and I could not tell her no.
Its still a big issue for her
Its still a big issue for her and I'm not sure it will be fixed. I have never seen this side of my new wife and to be honest I don't like it. Why cant people just be adults. I cant understand the drama over this issue. It boils down to one thing.....she does not trust me to be around or deal with my ex wife or to have to understand I had a life before her. This was never an issue when we were dating........it was a year into the marriage before I seen this jealous side of her and it is really hurting our relationship.........sure I could tell my step kids to go away breaking there hearts......but for what ? My wife will just find something else to be jealous. These issues come with every woman I ever get with. Is there not a confident secure woman in the world ? I thought I married her but I was wrong......I have never cheated on a woman in my life...
You have to ask her: How can
You have to ask her: How can I be more understanding? She will open up and tell you how she feels. However, if you say - you are jealous etc , you are judging her and you are not coming from a place of understanding or compassion towards her.Listen to her with compassion. If you judge by saying - she is jealous etc. you are creating a situation in which you treat her with callousness and not compassion. As a result you will get more callousness and negativity in your life.
Sure you are a guy and you can tell her to leave and sure she will because she will not feel understood.Instead of listening to her you judged her.And as a result you will feel that you also cannot understand her.
We all carry our past scars, wounds, thorns - they do not go away just because we are in a new marriage or because somebody told us to leave and treated us badly. They heal with time when we work on ourselves.
It seems to me she is working on herself and trying to heal the past. Be compassionate and listen. It is a process.