Frustratedinlove's picture

Live separate but stay married????

Jawdropping! My husband just told me that he wants to move out but stay married because we will fight less if we live apart???

Frustratedinlove's picture

First he wanted to split up

First he wanted to split up all of our finances. Meaning he contributes half of the household expenses from his income and I do the same. What is left over is for us to do with what we want. He will pay for his two children (clothes,sports,medical,etc.) and do the same for my two children. He said he thinks we will fight less over money this way. I went along with him, but it still felt a little sad because it made me feel like we were less united. Kind of like separating. Now he tells me that he thinks he should move out but us stay married??? What kind of crap is that??? Who does that?

Frustratedinlove's picture

We have lived together for

We have lived together for three years and blended our families. Our two year anniversary is in November. What will this do to these four kids? I am freaking out

Frustratedinlove's picture

Well I am not going for this

Well I am not going for this crap. He isn't going to have his cake and eat it too. Either he stays and we work things out or I want a divorce. I am not going to keep disrupting my kids lives. It was bad enough their father and I divorced. Then I remarry and they have to adjust to him plus his two children. Now he wants to pull this crap. I don't think so.

Frustratedinlove's picture

That's a whole other story.

That's a whole other story. Check out my post in the Blended Family Forum for that one

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well it does sound as if he

Well it does sound as if he does want out but does not have the courage to tell you. However, him living somewhere else and still being married to you, well, no I would absolutely not be going for that. If he wants to live the single life, then let him. You hardly need to run the risk of getting God knows what diseases from this guy on top of all the drama he is putting you through.

You said you wouldn't go for this and you would rather divorce. Ask him for that divorce, his reaction should confirm what his intentions have been.

I am truly sorry he is putting you through this nonsense, ripping the band aid off slowly is far more hurtful than just giving it one big rip. He needs to be honest about his feelings, not keep up the one bit at a time saga. It is ridiculous.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well it does sound as if he

Well it does sound as if he does want out but does not have the courage to tell you. However, him living somewhere else and still being married to you, well, no I would absolutely not be going for that. If he wants to live the single life, then let him. You hardly need to run the risk of getting God knows what diseases from this guy on top of all the drama he is putting you through.

You said you wouldn't go for this and you would rather divorce. Ask him for that divorce, his reaction should confirm what his intentions have been.

I am truly sorry he is putting you through this nonsense, ripping the band aid off slowly is far more hurtful than just giving it one big rip. He needs to be honest about his feelings, not keep up the one bit at a time saga. It is ridiculous.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

sorry to hear all that.Yes,

sorry to hear all that.Yes, for me it would mean a separation I have to say.Assume he is a coward who doesn't want to tell you that he wants to get separated.

I had enough and I finally quit.But I am still here.Love my step talk sisters.

stormabruin's picture

You do what is best for you &

You do what is best for you & your kids. Don't wait on him to figure out what he wants.

He's creating division. If you don't feel right about staying married & living separately, file for divorce. He seems to be pussy-footing around it. Don't let him.

Have a good fight. Tell him he's behaving like a child & what you need is a man.

You deserve honesty in your marriage & you deserve a man who respects you enough to deal with shit in your marriage. Living separately simply to save the number of fights is pointless. It just makes more space between you. Ignoring issue to save you from fights will not build your marriage. If he isn't willing to be a member of your family in your home & resolve the issues with you in your home, there's nothing to save.

You deserve a husband who will respect you as a wife & as a partner. Partnerships are pairs. They are side-by-side...not up the road or around the block.

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

ItAlmostWorked's picture

I have seriously considered

I have seriously considered doing this so I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but instead the daily stepfighting is not how he wants to live his life. For me, it got to the point that I was willing to lose our relationship if something didn't change. I still don't know which way it will go many days.

After considering doing this too, I have now decided that if my family had to live in 2 different places, DH and I wouldn't stay married either. Too risky. So I agree with your instincts and reaction, but I am not 100% sure like some of the other posters that this is a calculated and manipulative move on his part to end your relationship.

Wish you the best-this stuff is so hard.

stepdown's picture

He wants out. Whatever the

He wants out. Whatever the reason is. That's the bottom line.

It is easier to start by "let's live apart". It is like when you want to leave someone but afraid to tell them directly, so you tell him "let's take time off"

Married people either live together or they are not married.

If you tell him that you don't want this arrangement and you want a divorce, he will be telling everyone that you initiated the divorce. My exDH wanted out but was too scared to leave so he made my life hell so I left him, then he acted clueless and was telling people I initiated it and I did not want to work on our marriage and he did not know why I wanted to end it.

stormabruin's picture

Yep. If you're not actively

Yep. If you're not actively working on making progress in a separation (counseling) to figure out how to repair what's broken, you drift farther apart. When you've drifted farther apart you find new life outside of your marriage which leads to even more distance & eventually divorce.

Like someone else said, rip the bandaid off & be done with it. No reason to allow him to drag you & your children through a lengthy separation the is headed to divorce anyway.

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

Frustratedinlove's picture

This is exactly what I think

This is exactly what I think too. He wants to play the victim.

secondplace's picture

A friend of mine did this

A friend of mine did this recently with her husband. She couldn't stand his kids, mostly because of the Disney Dad/Guily Parenting scenario she lived with every day, so they decided to try separate residences while still maintaining their marriage.

She figured he would spend one week with his kids (he has 50/50), and the other week he would come and live with her and her kids.

Well, two days after she moved out, his 16 year old decided to move in full time (sounds like it was pre planned IMO), and now he won't spend the week with her because he has his son.

As well, both he and his son are heavily into sports, and that takes up a lot of his time, so they barely see each other at all. Now my friend is even more resentful than ever, because it doesn't seem like her husband is into fixing the marriage at all.

When you see them together, it seems like he really cares about her, but I think there has been too much water under the bridge to save the marriage in my friend's case.

I was doubtful it would work when I heard about it, and now it seems confirmed.

I'm not sure it will be any different in your case hon.

Good luck to you.

---------------------------------------------
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. -James Dean

"Why? Because fuck em. That's why" -GoodbyeNormaJean

stepmisery's picture

I'm sorry, I also agree, he's

I'm sorry, I also agree, he's just baby-stepping his way to divorce. I feel that soon after you have separate places he will hit you up with it.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Unless it's for work or some

Unless it's for work or some other practical application, I agree with everyone else. If it's to fix a fundamental issue with the relationship, sorry, but it sounds like he's inching his way out as someone else has said.

I will say that I live separately for four days out of the week away from my husband due to the fact that I work two hours away and the drive is too much. In some ways I think for us it makes the marriage better--keeps the spark because we're given ample time to miss eachother, so when the weekend rolls around, we can't wait to be around eachother. It's worse in others because both of us sometimes worry about infidelity on eachother's parts because it makes it much easier to cheat. We talk through it though so that's okay.

smartone's picture

It is VERY possible that he

It is VERY possible that he is NOT inching his way out. I know this because I know exactly how it feels to be in that position. I actually broke up with my bf for a month and was SOOOO happy to get the weight of his kids and his baggage (bm) off my back. But we got back together because we have a TON of fun together, get each other, love each other, etc. I have learned to think with my head and not my heart (after being SM for 8 yrs). It makes NO sense to move in, marry, etc. into a stress-filled life. When blending families, it hardly EVER works. And when it does, it's constantly work. Who wants to live that way? Enjoy your kids, watch them grow up, date your husband, and when your kids are grown, choose when to move back in together. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that...unless you don't want it. But won't you feel stupid if you assume he is inching his way out, divorce him, and then realize you made a mistake? There is actually a movement of marrieds living separately. It is not that far-fetched. Especially with the divorce rates in this country, it makes sense. Who would you respect more, someone that divorced because they didn't want to try this, that might save their marriage, or someone who gave up because it didn't seem right? Not everything is black and white.

smartone's picture

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/2

hereiam's picture

I agree, some couples do

I agree, some couples do better living apart but the way he has gone about it is what has me wondering what his true intentions are.

Echo's picture

Not much of a "man" you've

Not much of a "man" you've got there. He lacks the balls and spine to say he wants a divorce and then he treats you like a first class idiot who'll go along with his hair brained idea.

Ditch the bitch.

Seriously. Divorce him. If not for his idiotic idea, for the fact that he apparently has zero respect for you and your marriage. Even if he were to change his mind and decide to stay, I'd keep right on shoving his shit into black garbage bags and launching them into the driveway. Preferably flaming.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi