I am having a horrible time with this. My brother was physically abusive toward me for several years, and my mother enabled him. He was never punished, and his attempts to manipulate were always successful. He did this from about age 15-now, actually. Now he isn't physically abusive (we live thousands of miles apart) but if and when we are in the same place his verbal and emotional abuse is still there.
At age 7 and a half I see a lot of what my brother did in SS7. He is mean to animals, he punched his mom this morning, he has incredible anger issues, he has no self-worth...I could go on and on.
I don't want my emotion from my past to cloud my judgment when it comes to collaborating with DH to discipline SS7 for what he's done, but at the same time I feel like I need to let it cloud it. I don't want my childhood reproduced in any way, shape, or form in my home. I would rather be really harsh now than regret it in the future and have another bad situation in our hands.
In the matter of 6 weeks, SS7 has escalated from saying "Fuck you!" to a friend when he was upset about something trivial, to punching his mother and kicking the dash of her car for several minutes, and got in BM's face and yelled at her over something trivial. In the midst of those two occurrences, he has yelled at SF and been violent with our pets. This is escalating so quickly and I'm seriously scared for what lies ahead if we don't do something harsh.
That said, earlier all four of us (BM, SF, DH, and I) all agreed on taking away SS7's sports camp this week (it wasn't mandatory). BM told SS7 that this was part of his punishment, and she saw how upset he got which means it was effective. SF wants SS7 to go, because he thinks it's SS7's responsibility. Instead, he wants SS7 to have all choice-making abilities removed. He wants SS7 to write BM a letter of apology and write sentences.
WTF? I agree with the letter and the sentences, and have already found Bible verses that DH and I plan to have him copy on Wednesday. But how in the name of the LORD does taking away choice-making teach him not to hit people and teach him how to have better coping skills?!
BM contacted me again to tell me all of this, and she said she's having trouble thinking of things that upset SS7 to take away. She entertained taking away electronics. Well, just last week those were gone for SS7 yelling at SF, and he just got those back (he told me he was only behaving so he could get electronics back, btw). So did that do any good? NO! I told her if she goes back on her punishment of taking away the camp, he is going to see it as follows: "I yelled, screamed, got in my mom's face, kicked her car for a while, and punched her and I didn't even get that bad of a punishment--I still get to go to football! Woo hoo!"
Am I crazy? That is a serious question. DH and I were just talking last night about how we will parent differently in certain situations based on how inappropriate certain punishments our parents implemented were...so doesn't that make it okay for me to do the same with the situation I grew up in? Because my mom's "punishments" (or lack thereof) weren't appropriate.
This is too much. My head is pounding. I've taken Aleve and am having a stiff drink and it's not helping.
I had a very similar
I had a very similar experience growing up with my brother, though my parents tried, it was always our families dirty little secret, no law enforcement involved. It was tramatizing. When sd13 began getting violent, I tried to be kind and understanding ONCE! The next time there was even a threat of violence (she threatened to hit me then was saying she was going to hurt herself. I had to physically restrain her). The next time when she was calm, I very matter of factky explained to her this situation would not happen again. If there is even a hint of anger and violence here or at her moms, I would called the police. She started crying, I explained she is a big girl, and violence will not be to,erased. If she thinks she is a badass, we will let juvie teach her how weak she is. She has not gotten violence since. As long as she thought we would jut sit here and talk and ground her, she was off the chain. When the threat of things getting real was introduced, things changed. She is still psycho, but I don't have to restrain her snymore. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Punishing him is not going to
Punishing him is not going to resolve the anger issues and all the darkness that is building inside that boy. His behavior is escalating. His parents need to get proactive about figuring out what's eating that kid instead of reactively punishing him which does nothing to solve his problem and probably fuels the anger and lack of self-worth.
This kid needs some professional help.
^^^^agree, def look for a
^^^^agree, def look for a counselor quick, but be picky, find a good one that deals with these types of kids.
I forgot to add that BM said
I forgot to add that BM said SS7 was punching himself today at school as well.
I understand that punishing him won't resolve the anger issues, but he needs to be taught that what he did is by no means okay and removing the ability to see friends outside of school is not only a precautionary measure, but justifiable because he can't be trusted to make appropriate decisions when his emotions are anything but positive ones.
Punishments typically don't
Punishments typically don't work or only work for a short period of time.
His behavior is not normal and needs to be addressed in serious therapy appointments, and/or with psychiatrist.
First I would talk to his pediatrician, describe his behavior and ask for help. It does not matter if he goes to camp or has electronics, or if you take it all away, or if he writes sentences, it won't change the issue.
This child needs professional help ASAP. I keep hearing about this behavior escalating but am not hearing what are mom and dad doing about addressing the roots of it? It only gets worse but they keep discussing back and forth how they are going to punish him. Is he in therapy and did anyone talk to his pediatrician?
DH and I are sitting down
DH and I are sitting down today to discuss it all. We just found this out yesterday and wanted time to process. I want him in therapy and have for three years. It is out of my control, and they have to agree to it in order for it to happen. I will definitely keep you posted.
hopefully parents put him in
hopefully parents put him in therapy. It is understood you have no control here
Good luck. Be supportive for
Good luck. Be supportive for you dh, I know mine fell apart when things got really bad. It was his little girl and he couldn't save her. I had to continuously reassure him I was not leaving, and we were in t together. Many prayers!
Wow, that is scary behavior.
Wow, that is scary behavior. My older brother was also violent. He ended up joining the marines, then getting discharged for medical reasons. He has never been the same. I have had to eventually cut him out of my life because he is violent, and makes terrible choices that put him in horrible situations, then he expects the family to bail him out, all while treating us terrible. The final straw was when he tried to make my DH and I fight because he told my DH that I had told him I couldn't stand him kids (my step children) and he didn't like them either. I never said that to him at all because I love my skids very much. Once you begin to pit a husband and wife against each other, say horrible things about children, and spread lies into my marriage is where I draw the line.
All of that to say that this behavior that your Step Son is showing was very much like what my brother showed and it has not ended up well for him. PLEASE try to get the parent to realize the extent of the situation and get him into counseling. My mother was a disney mom and loved my brother so much because he was her first that she still to this day does not believe anything is wrong with him.
No one on their death bed ever wished they had spent more time with their stepmother.