SS5 was the only one who "wanted" to come to see BF. BF asked that I go thru his voicemail and one was BM stating that "Skippy and Sally do not want to come over to your house, but Jr. the youngest does" 
This is from a FOSTER CARE WORKER who would get out the attorney stick should one of the foster care children whose case she manages say "i'm not going to live with mrs. foster care!" IRONIC!
But b/c BF will NOT stick to a time sharing plan and allows BM and skids to decide whether or not they will come over, BF got the times mixed up. He just does this all verbally, waiting EOW for a call that sometimes never comes to see whether or not the skids "feel" like coming over for his weekend!
He thought youngest was coming over Friday night, turns out it was Saturday afternoon. I had to plug the value of having a set time sharing schedule after this incident and once again he got all hot under the collar: "I AM NOT GOING TO FORCE MY KIDS TO COME OVER, PERIOD! NO MORE DISCUSSIONS ON THIS!!"
And i thought to myself, i wonder if the oldest two are comparing notes at school with all the other "children of divorce" that have a regular EOW schedule and thinking to themselves "why doesn't my daddy love me enough to fight for me to come over EOW?" "maybe mom IS right; maybe dad is a no good scum sucking dirtbag after all!"
I noted that PAS is really starting to take hold in SS5. He is often rude to BF AND he ignores me as though I were invisible. Up to this point before he developed cognitive language skills, he was very loving toward me, asked about me and talked to me quite frequently. That is all gone now. I've noticed that all three skids took the initiative to disengage from me, treating me as though i were invisible except to ask me "where's daddy?"
I've also noticed that SS5 HAS to contradict everything i say (hmmmm could it be PAS???!!) If i say that his dad is outside, he says "NO HE'S NOT; HE'S IN THE GARAGE!! (meaning carport as we don't have a garage) I'm not going to argue with a 5 yr old obviously, but i find it quite interesting that lately he goes out of his way to "correct" everything i say!!
He still interrupts grownup conversation constantly; unfortunately it's when talking to BF and BF will not allow me to correct his "social graces" or lack of them in front of him.
BF slid into having me watch SS while he went outside to do some yard work as if to say, well you'll be in the house cooking so you can watch him. I actually walked right outside where BF was and stayed out until he went back in the house to cater to SS. SS also wanted me to read him a story. Normally I would, but BF was just surfing the web. It's his time and not mine and I had other things to do.
I figure if i'm not good enough to set and enforce house rules in my own house, then i'm not good to play "library story time madam"
Sounds harsh but I have to disengage completely, b/c these skids have NO respect for me whatsoever, and it's obvious that BF does not want me to "interfere" with his "parenting."
Disengaging often becomes the only viable option.
Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.
What is the most frustrating to me as I am sure it is to most step's is that I grow increasingly tired of being maligned for the part of my life that asks the very most from me, to attempt to have compassion and love for a child that is not my own and has been and continues to be taught to hate me and show me constant disrespect. It is made even harder when the fathers assume no responsibility for their child and their behavior. Regardless of where the child resides full-time, the responsibilities of the bio parents do not end. At young ages, children should still be under the control of their parents, which means if they are told they are going to school, they go, if they are told this weekend is visitation then they go. The only decision a child should be allowed to have any control over is how they behave during visitation(not weather they will come for visitation)...and weather that behavior lands their butts in restriction while on visitation or weather they will choose to have a respectful and cooperative attitude,insuring a relatively good visitation. PAS, while it does effect the children in different degree's, I believe is only fought with continuous structure, communication, and most important, a united front by the bio parent and stepparent in the home. This does not mean the bad behavior and attitude the child displays because of the ongoing PAS is going to just disappear, it just means that as a couple, as parents(bio and step) we are maintaining the control, and to a certain degree, our sanity.
This is similar to what BM attacked DH for...
Because BM stated SD should not have the right to dictate when she sees BM or not. We agree. However, BM didn't want to see SD either and has expressed at times that it's not worth it and maybe she should just throw in the towel on visitation. SO....
DH told BM on the phone in front of SD that we do not force nor deny visitation. (Honestly we WANT her to go there to give us a break.) So when they both voiced SD not going over there last Thur we said fine. When SD said she wanted things from there because she was not planning on "EVER" going back, DH made her call her mom. That set BM off because she thinks that DH is manipulating SD to not go (as I said before NOT true.) So...
DH simply explained to BM that when SD visits or doesn't is between the two of them not us. If BM wants her time, he will support her taking it. He totally detached from any outcome. Interestingly, BM then said she didn't want SD this weekend, except for a few hours on Mother's Day.
I know this isn't the same situation as yours, but these issues aren't always as cut and dry as the CP forcing or persuading the kids not to take their visitation. Sometimes the kids are getting older and want to exercise control, or punish their parent in a way that exercises future control over that parent. I guess what I'm saying is that I think my SD uses emotional blackmail with BM...because it works most of the time. SD would never do it with us because we've shown over and over that we'll say, "Ok...go stay there then." We've taken away her ability to "punish" us by not acknowledging her punishment- as in her own refusal to grace us with her benevolent presence
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Because we are NCP
this happens OFTEN! BM ALWAYS schedules other plans on BF's time and calls to say the skids don't want to come over.
ALL THE TIME! To me this is like saying "the skids don't want to brush their teeth today"
BF tries to compare his visitations to extra curricular activiites "i don't want to force oldest skid to play football, etc."
To me this is comparing apples to oranges. NOT THE SAME THING!
I don't mind if personally if the skids DO NOT come over, but this "catch as catch can; we'll play visitation by ear" makes it IMPOSSIBLE to plan ANYTHING in advance. I have decided that if BF continues to do two consecutive weekends in a row of skid that i will have other plans for that weekend that was supposed to be ours.
I definitely understand your dilemma
As we experience it from the other side. One weeknight visitation last month BM didn't cancel or call ahead. We had plans to go to dinner and sat her for over an hour, with DH trying to call BM to find out what the heck was up. BM never called us back. The next day DH finally reached her when BM said that DH was encouraging SD to not come and it just wasn't worth it, she might as well never see SD again, etc. Ummm.....you never showed up. How is that DH's doing? DH asked if BM was picking SD up for her weekend the next week. BM said she didn't know if she was seeing her ever again.
Then BM called SD that same weekend, chatting giddily about how much she couldn't wait for the next weekend with SD. They went on as if nothing ever happened.
Til last weekend when we were at my mom's for dinner when BM called announcing she was dropping SD off at our house (she was actually on our street at the time.) DH had to let her know that we were not expecting SD until after school Monday, and that we would pick SD up if that's what BM wished, when we were done with our plans that night. BM was trying to push us to leave our plans to go pick up SD right then and there.
I guess I'm just saying this happens on both sides. We don't often make plans for SD on BM's time, other than this trip to CA. But even then BM was evasive as to whether or not she would even be taking one week of the three summer weeks she demanded last year be put into the agreement before signing it. Luckily the GAL only approved the wording "BM gets one week for each month of summer break, which is to be agreed upon and negotiated between SD and BM." Leaving us out of it. But this also means that BM drags out committing to the time and last year took none of it. This years she only vaguely indicated she "might" take one week of it. Or she'll call us last minute that she's "out of town" and can't take SD OR that she wants SD for something on "our time". I put that in quotes because I have come to see it as SD's time, and she shares it with each of us. Not the other way around.
In our case I can kind of see why SD is not committed to her time with BM either. Because they both talk one talk and walk a totally different walk.
I agree with you that visitation time is to be honored. Perhaps your DH's guilt is making him not want to force the issue. But his laid back approach may be sending a mixed message to BM or the kids. At the very least he's allowing BM to exploit how much he loves the kids. She's seeing it as a weakness rather than an admirable trait I suspect.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
If we were CPs
I'm sure we'd enforce visitation just to get a BREAK! I've read some of your posts about the selfish and horrid SD that you have to put up with.
One of the reasons why BF doesn't want custody (even though BM is really unfit with her maliciious mother syndrome, her narcissistic personality disorder, permissive parenting, etc. etc.) is that I"m sure BF would object to my very strict parenting style. i don't put up with any crap from children that's for sure.
I know I'D be the ONLY one enforcing CS from a NCP BM as well!
I must admit....
Many a time wishing BM wanted custody. I think right now we might both give in to get a break. We have contemplated DH accepting a job offer in another state to see if BM would step up to wanting her full time. But then....
I re-read stuff like what I just wrote about BM backing out of a whole weekend with SD, or her weeks in the summer, and I think "Yeah right. SHE's gonna step up?"
That really would be hell freezing over.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Might be a guy thing
I have my kids every Friday and Saturday but I have the same attitude. If they don't want to be here I take them home.
My oldest daughter never comes over any more but no one cares because she causes too much trouble (please don't take me wrong, the whole road up to this point was painful, I don't want to sound cold).
My other daughter is hit and miss. It depends on what she has going on. My son, well he can't be here enough.
I'm very up front with my children and have told them my policy. My reasoning behind this stance is that they know I want a relationship with them. I have also made them aware they have a choice to have a relationship with me.
It might be the wrong way to handle it but its my way of handling it and I don't bend on the issue. It may stem from my whole approach to parenting. Example: Something gets cancelled or I change my mind. The decision upsets one of my children. They express they are upset about the change and I tell them, "As a parent I have to teach you about life, right now I am teaching you how to deal with disappointment."
I was raised this way. I guess if its dysfunctional (which it very well could be) I'm making it my duty to pass this on to my children. At best it will give them something to complain about when they blame me for why they are the way they are.
Some day my daughters might wonder why I help my son with his car payment and not them. It won't have anything to do with gender. It will be because he actually makes an effort to maintain a mutual relationship with his father.
I don't know if your husband is exactly like that but I thought I'd give you some words from a person that does almost the same thing.
"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17
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