Back in March, one of my childhood friends died. It hit me a lot harder then I expected it to - we didn't even talk the last few months of my friend's life, so I didn't think it should be so life shattering.
Sometime around the beginning of June, I almost quit sleeping all together. Since then, I have been trying to get back in to see my therapist, and working with the Nurse Practitioner to get my meds straightened out.
Sometime in the second week of June, my friend (the one who passed) started talking to me. Late at night, when I am all alone and struggling to sleep, she starts. Sometimes, she says nice things and it doesn't seem so bad. Usually, though, she moans and groans and gripes and bitches.
Some nights, it gets so bad, that I just want to die. (Usually around day three of no sleep, and I am getting desperate.) So far, SD10 has no idea that there is anything weird.
On Thursday, the Nurse Practitioner's office diagnosed me with PTSD. The therapist's office called me and got me in on the 30th of this month. I'm surprised that no one wanted to hospitalize me, but heh.
Anyways, everyone I've spoken to has asked me if I am under a great deal of stress. Well, my friend died in March, and my Uncle died in May.
In June, SD10 came down and stayed for two weeks, then came back at the end of June, and she is here indefinitely.
When my friend was at her loudest, my husband was sleeping in SD10's bed, SD10 was sleeping in my bed, and I was sleeping on the couch. I think that she's quieter now, because I am not all alone at night.. and because I have started listening to "meditation sounds" while I fall asleep.
This past Wednesday, my oldest niece had her first child, and it was a hectic and hairy time. (She didn't dilate like she was supposed to, and the baby's heartbeat was going as low as 50 bpm and has high as 250 bpm, sometimes several times a minutes.) They finally took the baby by cesarean, and both are doing fine now, but for a while, it was a scary situation.
This coming Tuesday, my sister starts her second, and final round of chemo. The first round of chemo did something to damage her heart, and she has a horrible blood clot in one of her legs now. That leg is swollen to twice it's normal size. (Even though I see my sister often, and talk to her a couple of times a week, I heard the truth for the first time yesterday. I wonder why my family wasn't completely honest with me in the first place?-big sarcasm!)
Until yesterday, I was told that my sister was just going in for tests, to make sure that all of the cancer was gone.. However, I knew that wasn't the truth, because every time it was brought up, my mother would start to cry.
The dead are dead.. there's nothing I can do there. SD10 is here, but we do have emergency arrangements in place, with my mom who is a mile and a half down the street. (Her Guardian Parents are in the middle of a move right now, and are basically homeless until they get into the new house, so there aren't many options right now.) Hubby has moved back into my bed, and Niece20 and the baby are fine. There isn't much that I can do for/about my sister. I have to just pray and let the days pass.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am really communicating (maybe possessed?) by the spirit of my dead friend. Sometimes, I wonder if my brain has finally cracked (which seems possible because this all started when I quit sleeping). Mostly, I lean more towards this being my friends' spirit, because there's a second voice now, but I don't know/can't understand what he is saying. I don't know what language he's speaking, but it isn't English.