Back in March, one of my childhood friends died. It hit me a lot harder then I expected it to - we didn't even talk the last few months of my friend's life, so I didn't think it should be so life shattering.
Sometime around the beginning of June, I almost quit sleeping all together. Since then, I have been trying to get back in to see my therapist, and working with the Nurse Practitioner to get my meds straightened out.
Sometime in the second week of June, my friend (the one who passed) started talking to me. Late at night, when I am all alone and struggling to sleep, she starts. Sometimes, she says nice things and it doesn't seem so bad. Usually, though, she moans and groans and gripes and bitches.
Some nights, it gets so bad, that I just want to die. (Usually around day three of no sleep, and I am getting desperate.) So far, SD10 has no idea that there is anything weird.
On Thursday, the Nurse Practitioner's office diagnosed me with PTSD. The therapist's office called me and got me in on the 30th of this month. I'm surprised that no one wanted to hospitalize me, but heh.
Anyways, everyone I've spoken to has asked me if I am under a great deal of stress. Well, my friend died in March, and my Uncle died in May.
In June, SD10 came down and stayed for two weeks, then came back at the end of June, and she is here indefinitely.
When my friend was at her loudest, my husband was sleeping in SD10's bed, SD10 was sleeping in my bed, and I was sleeping on the couch. I think that she's quieter now, because I am not all alone at night.. and because I have started listening to "meditation sounds" while I fall asleep.
This past Wednesday, my oldest niece had her first child, and it was a hectic and hairy time. (She didn't dilate like she was supposed to, and the baby's heartbeat was going as low as 50 bpm and has high as 250 bpm, sometimes several times a minutes.) They finally took the baby by cesarean, and both are doing fine now, but for a while, it was a scary situation.
This coming Tuesday, my sister starts her second, and final round of chemo. The first round of chemo did something to damage her heart, and she has a horrible blood clot in one of her legs now. That leg is swollen to twice it's normal size. (Even though I see my sister often, and talk to her a couple of times a week, I heard the truth for the first time yesterday. I wonder why my family wasn't completely honest with me in the first place?-big sarcasm!)
Until yesterday, I was told that my sister was just going in for tests, to make sure that all of the cancer was gone.. However, I knew that wasn't the truth, because every time it was brought up, my mother would start to cry.
The dead are dead.. there's nothing I can do there. SD10 is here, but we do have emergency arrangements in place, with my mom who is a mile and a half down the street. (Her Guardian Parents are in the middle of a move right now, and are basically homeless until they get into the new house, so there aren't many options right now.) Hubby has moved back into my bed, and Niece20 and the baby are fine. There isn't much that I can do for/about my sister. I have to just pray and let the days pass.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am really communicating (maybe possessed?) by the spirit of my dead friend. Sometimes, I wonder if my brain has finally cracked (which seems possible because this all started when I quit sleeping). Mostly, I lean more towards this being my friends' spirit, because there's a second voice now, but I don't know/can't understand what he is saying. I don't know what language he's speaking, but it isn't English. 
Sometimes when people "hear
Sometimes when people "hear voices" it's not a cracked mind just our mind working through all our stress.
I used to have arguments in my head with my ex and heard his voice while doing so. I've "talked" with my grandma who has passed and "heard" her voice. Both of these people I knew very well their voice inflections, their certain way of putting things words they used, they way my ex used "whatever" for F you.
I actually had my dd ask me "does it make you crazy if you hear voices when your talking to yourself, like not your own voice but other people kinda like your mind but different?"
I told her "No I don't think so, I do it."
I asked my boss who has a psych degree, it's absolutely normal for many people especially under stress with very active minds it helps them to puzzle things out with themselves, because sometimes we listen better to others than our own selves. Does that make sense? Maybe with all your going through if your friend were still living this is how they would be helping you and since you know them well your mind is helping you listen this way.
What do your doctors say?
I really don't know at what point a "voice" makes a person crazy we all have a subconscious and dream that doesn't make a person crazy to listen to them.
I am not an option
That makes a lot of sense!
That makes a lot of sense! Thank you so much!
My doctors just said PTSD, upped my meds, upped them again, prescribed new meds, then upped those, to. It's been a LONG road for the last month and a half!
...against our own will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
Does the voice tell you to do
Does the voice tell you to do things to harm yourself? If that happens I would head to the nearest hospital and tell them.
I agree. Sometimes the mind does truly crazy stuff when you are under stress. Does your friend sound like she did in real life? Was she someone who you would talk to and she would offer advice? And would you be a sounding board for her. It may be that this is one of those times you could really need her around and you are manifesting her in your mind.
That being said .... I have heard voices a lot. They are conversations I overhear but cannot make out the words. And then it is like the voices know I can hear them and stop. I have had a few paranormal things happen to me and KNOW there is more to this world than what we know at this point in history. I mean, 150 yrs ago who would have thought you could put food in a box with a door and pull it out fully cooked 5 mins later? So who knows?
But if you feel you may harm yourself or other people or property, seek help immediately. You may be having a psychotic episode with the grief and stress in your life. But if this isn';t happening why not talk back to your friend and ask her, what's up? How can I help you? See if you can actually get a communication going rather than her monologue. Is she reacting to what you think or say? Just be aware that your friend would not want you to harm yourself or others. She may be just stuck waiting for someone to move her on. And she may be unaware that you need your sleep!
Our conversations used to go
Our conversations used to go something like this :
Friend would say something - anything.
Me : You're supposed to be dead. How are you talking to me?
Friend : I don't want to talk about it.
Me : But I was at your funeral!
Friend : that isn't important right now! Listen to me!
(Sounds completely crazy, doesn't it?) These conversations could happen any time of the day or night, weather I was at my house, or away, if I was alone or with people. I finally realized that she was "reading my thoughts" or whatever, and these conversations could just take place in my head. I didn't have to answer her out loud.
It seemed to get worse in public, for a while. She tells me when people are staring at me in public, or if someone is fallowing me, or acts like they want to hurt me.
Now, like I said, it happens a lot at night.. Especially if I don't do my little bedtime routine. It's my friends' voice, and that of a man, but I usually don't even understand what the man is saying. It is just a constant noise (between the two of them) that keeps me from sleeping.
Sometimes, I do think about hurting myself. I just really want to sleep, and have some peace in my life. But she doesn't tell me to hurt myself.
Sometimes, I'm afraid that someone else is out to hurt me. I'm an agoraphobe, so I am even more afraid of leaving the house.
...against our own will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
I don't like talking about
I don't like talking about alot of my experiences, because a few of them are really horrible memories that I like to keep locked down in a 'box' that I have created in my own brain to keep them at bay.
I lost a friend of mine in 2003 during a convoy in Iraq that we were on. He died in my lap. I will never forget his last words, words that were not only for his wife and kids, but for his closest friends that were surrounding him when he died.
Call it PTSD, call it recalling memories, or whatever, but when I get to a point in my life, mainly when i have to deal with SS10 bullshit, I hear him whisper those words that were meant for me that day:
'Dtzy. Do yourself a favor. Live your life to the fullest. Have no regrets. Because at the end, you want to die happy like I am dying happy. No matter what comes your way, you do it
right, you do it fully and make sure you won't regret it'.
It's eerie, because it's like he's right there again in my ear. Not like I'm reliving the memory, but right next to me. My body hair stands on end, and it's like he's standing over my shoulder and if I turned around, he'd be right there.
But, it has pulled me right out of negative thinking about just giving up and divorcing DH. I don't want to divorce my husband over his crazy child. It's not his fault his kid is hard wired to evil.
So, I just think my buddy is trying to tell me not to destroy my life with the man of my dreams over a child that won't be around daily in the future. Tough it out.
I dunno, but I truly don't think you are crazy honey. When a human being goes through trauma, and it doesn't always have to be us military folks type trauma, yeah you do have
a form of PTSD and that is perfectly OKAY!
Let me repeat that: There is nothing wrong with having PTSD. You aren't broken. Your body and mind are trying to overcome trauma that isn't 'normal' stress or situations. And you
can learn to manage it and even overcome it.
Give yourself a huge pat on the back and remember that humans aren't robotic machines. We break sometimes. And those breaks can be healed!
******
My IPOD says you are full of bullshit!
dtzy, it sounds like your
dtzy, it sounds like your friend gave you a very special gift! It was very touching to read about!
Back in 2004, I had what I think was a mental breakdown, and that's why my panic attacks and agoraphobia started. It's easier to understand, however, (and a lot less intimidating) to say that my brain "broke" or "cracked".
Whatever happened, it changed my life, and me completely.
...against our own will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
Hope you will be OK. I never
Hope you will be OK. I never heard voices and if that happens, I am heading to the nearest ER and doing it fast. Hopefully you got medication and continue seeing your doctor.
Thank you, Stepdown!
Thank you, Stepdown!
...against our own will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
melissa, See if you can argue
melissa, See if you can argue the voice down..."You are telling me to hurt myself? You are telling me someone is staring at me? Go away! I will only listen to you if you are nice and kind. Enough!" And see what happens. Or change to subject to "Remember when we went to ...."
If the voice tells you to harm yourself or something is about to harm you or make you think badly about yourself I would head for the ER. If it was a real friend would she suggest such a thing? Although she may be your conscience warning you to not lose yourself in the stress you are under.
When I am under extreme stress I have a fear of waking up in a hotel room in Montana with no idea how I got there and missing a week of my life. My Plan B for this is to go to the nearest police station and turn myself in.
Here's my condensed version
Here's my condensed version of my PTSD. I hope it helps to hear from some of us who also deal with it:
I had a very serious spine injury in 2007. I went from being a well respected Ins Underwriter to Disabled Permanately in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I wasn't expected to make it (coded out twice- for 8 mins the 2nd time) & they told my family if I did make it, I'd be in a wheelchair the rest of my life!! I woke up in a scary icu room & was convinced for a week straight that I was a vegetable & was in a nursing home. Those poor nurses had to calm me every time!! Truth was, my legs were in those compression things & my arms were kinda tied down to prevent me from pulling out my IVs. That's why at first I couldn't move.
It was pure HELL learning to accept my new "life". But, with a 2 yr old & my family cheering me on every step of the way, I went from wheelchair to walker to walking again unassisted. I over came a lot-- but I also lost a lot. I lost my nice, cooshy job I absolutely loved-- and a year later, my now exhusband left. I had always paid our bills & he couldn't handle paying ALL the bills, a now disabled wife (who lives with chronic pain & nerve damage) and a small child. They say you learn a lot by the times you really go thru a crisis. If they stick it out or if they run. My ex ran. So now at that point I was going thru a divorce-- although it was amicable-- it was a ton of stress!! My divorce was final on a Monday & by Thurs that same week, my Dad had to move in with me because he could no longer take care of himself, he had progressive Parkinson's disease. He was my best friend in this whole world. During a Drs appointment for his Parkinson's, a blood test & X-rays showed end stage esophogal cancer that had spread thru the whole body. We buried my Daddy a short 4 mos later!!!!
The loss of my Dad was all I could take. I began not sleeping & when I would sleep I'd wake up almost always by hearing my dad coughing-I'd literally run to get him a glass of water & I'd run into his room. The cold hard truth would hit me smack in the face & heart. I knew I needed to get help as I was not coping very well. I was full of anxiety & was bursting out with stress induced hives. I was a mess!!
I went to my reg Docter who referred me to a therapist. He diagnosed me with PTSD. I only take a med now to help me sleep & controls my anxiety. With time, things have gotten better. I hope my story helps you to not feel alone. If I can help in Amy way, please ask.
When I was 21, my boyfriend
When I was 21, my boyfriend committed suicide. The stress, guilt and grief were hands down the worst thing I have ever gone through. I was diagnosed with PTSD also. Many many times I thought I was really going insane. It is amazing what the brain does under stress. My heart breaks for you honey. Please don't think you are crazy. I'm sorry for your losses. You WILL get through this!!