YSD (25) called DH yesterday. Why? Because she wanted something. Anyone surprised?
Refresher: YSD(25) lives 4 hours away. The last time she came to our home for a visit was June 30, 2008. Her reason? She hates me too much. Anyone surprised?
Since she turned 18, we have given her thousands. She refuses to give any of us one ounce of consideration. Anyone surprised?
She's going to milk the, "I just can't accept that you remarried and made another family 19 years ago", for every single penny she can get, and until DH has jumped through every single hoop she puts before him.
Since her last visit 4 years ago, I personally have invited her to come on several occasions. DH has pleaded with her to come.
Her replies (HOT AIR):
"I'm going to come Daddy, as soon as I get some time off."
"I promise I'll be there in July."
"I'm working a new job so I'll have plenty of time off, so I'll plan a trip soon."
"Me and OSD are talking about what weekend we can come together."
"BF and I were talking about what would be a good weekend for us to come."
Lies, lies and more lies.
She visits her other relatives with regularity. Even lied to DH once, saying she needed $1,200 for car repairs, so she could buy a plane ticket to go visit her mother. Isn't that swell? Will not give him a second of her time, but will try to have him pay for her visits to see madre. Someone.has.no.shame.
The last time I heard DH mention her name, he said, "YSD and OSD promised that they would come here for a weekend in July." Tick tock, July is almost over. Another lie. He may have believed them. I certainly did not hold my breath.
So the reason for her call yesterday? She wants him to come and help her move her furniture this weekend. Anytime she needs manual labor, she calls him. And he goes running. She really put the bait out there, saying OSD would also be in town, so he could visit with them both.
And as usual, THAT would be their "July visit". He.goes.to.her.
So he said sure.
We have an appointment together Friday morning that is extremely important. We have plans on Saturday with our son. We have plans with another couple on Sunday. We have some other things going on at the moment, which would make his absence a problem.
But he told her he'd come.
You know, my tolerance for his pandering to those spiteful offspring is pretty low. However, if we didn't have other plans already and weren't in the middle of a family crisis that has nothing to do with them, I'd care less if he went.
But the fact that in a heartbeat, he was willing to forgo all of his previous engagements and commitments to go help this ingrate move a bunch of worthless particle board kills me.
When I reminded him of his other engagements, he immediately replied... "You're right, I need to stay here." Damn straight. I guess I should be grateful that he RE-acted in a favorable manner and for once, stopped being willing to prostrate himself to appease her.
But oh, what I would give, if he could ever get to the point of being able to ACT rather than REACT.
He called OSD last night and told her he won't be able to make it. I'm sure he'll speak with both OSD and YSD today, when they can have total and complete privacy. I can only guess the hissy fit YSD will have. I hope she pounds sand.
And while he told OSD that he wouldn't be able to come, he apologized and said more than once that he just felt so bad that he couldn't be there.
What is up with that????????????????????????????????
He feels BAD because he can't go help move her shit AGAIN? They don't even need reasons why they won't come here. He has valid reasons, and he feels BAD????? On what grounds are they deserving of having him EVER come there? Their relationship with him (if you can even call it that) is extremely one-sided.
I am humiliated for him. We go to their town and see them, and we all act like everything is "normal". That's improvement from the days when they would snarl and hiss like feral cats. But I have never in my life known of grown children whose actions show their father exactly how much they do not care about him, while simultaneously continuing to ask of him. It makes me want to projectile vomit. Hearing him say he feels bad makes me want to vomit.
DH dismisses their resentments, because they just still have "issues" with me. Nah. Their issues are with themselves, not with me. I've stopped pandering to the idea that being a doormat to them will win them over, and they know it. If DH would do the same, he might someday have a shot of having a SANE, caring, mutually respectful relationship with them.
Until then, he's just a chump with a checkbook. Oh well, I can't change any of them. They are his kids, and not mine. Thank GOD.
Your DH sounds so much like
Your DH sounds so much like mine...
Mine does everything possible not to say "NO" to SDs and then just tries to wiggle out of things.
Few weeks ago when OSD was visiting, she started this conversation about how she and her DH are going to in-laws summer house for Christmas and how daddy and YSD have to come too, then she adds you guys have to come together (meaning me too). DH says nothing.
I said that we are thinking that DD might be coming for Christmas and I am going no where if that happens. OSD completely ignores me and keeps making plans how daddy and YSD go together on vacation with her in-laws.
Next day I asked DH if he really is going to go on vacation with SD's in-law. He says of course not, i hate them (they are very unpleasant people). I asked why didn't you say anything when we were in the car with SD?
DH gives me his typical answer I JUST LET HER TALK.
Last year SD insisted on inserting herself and her DH and a baby and YSD into OUR vacation that we planned for long time. DH told me there is no way we are taking them. Again why did not you say anything?
His reply again I JUST LET HER TALK. We ended up actually not going to that place at all. DH would rather not do something at all then tell SD "NO"
And yes both SDs expect dad to move them all the time. He once wanted to fly two hours to help married SD to move across the street LOL, I laughed ALOUD so he changed his mind.
Last time he complained about moving them, I reminded him right in front of SD that my DD is same age, she rents a van or a truck, packs her stuff and moves. Her dad has 3 younger kids, no way he'd run to move her every time DD wants him to. Adults move THEMSELVES.
When DH and I were living in
When DH and I were living in another state, we moved from one rental to another. DH was working crazy hours. I had a 2-yr-old. We had nobody to help us. I had a herniated disc in my back.
I moved everything we had, including all the furniture I could lift by myself. On a weekend day, he and I lifted all the remaining furniture between the two of us.
We have never, ever asked our parents to come help us move furniture. At most, we have asked a few friends to come. I do not understand where these grown women with thousands and thousands of so-called friends on their Facebook pages, can not find another soul to come lift their shit other than their aging parents and grandparents.
And for my SD in particular, WTF??? She refuses to drive to our home for a visit, but thinks it's totally okay to give her father 3 days notice that she'd like him to drive 4 hours to come for the weekend, to move her crap? The gall!
When we went to move her the last time, I scrubbed all day long. DH, myself and DH's stepfather moved all of her furniture. She was conveniently busy all day and didn't lift anything. She might as well have been paralyzed. She doesn't do manual labor. Guess it's no fun for her. So yeah, it was thrilling when I did it for her, not.
At our ages, SHE should be helping US. WTF is up with her little girl bs. I'll never get it.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
True... When I was single mom
True...
When I was single mom with DD and have moved, my brother did help me. I hired a moving van and a couple of guys who worked for my mom, and my brother drove a van to my new place about 5 miles away, it was a huge uhaul, no way I would drive it. But first of all my brother offered to help. I had no other males I knew, my ex lived far, i was not dating, my dad is older and I would not ask him to do heavy lifting. And it was ONE time move.
By the way when I have moved in with DH, DH did not help me. I packed up my own sh$$t and hired moving company.
FOUR hours away to move
FOUR hours away to move furniture?!!! Does she not have friends in the proximity who could help her? Not trying to be judgmental, but this DOES say something about one's character if they do not have friends they can rely on.
How fitting. Must be asshole
How fitting. Must be asshole skid move season.
DH's youngest called him yesterday to get him to move her shit (and of course pay for trailer rental and such and of course use his vehicle to hitch it).
When that ass moved into our home to live off of us, guess who moved her. Me and DH. She sat in our home and did nothing but hang out in the hammock by the pool or something.
When that ass moved into her current apartment, DH paid for the rented the trailer for her, picked up the trailer for her, dropped off the trailer for her, moved all of her shit out and moved all of it up two flights of stairs with no air conditioning.
Seriously? She wants HIM to do it again. Her boyfriend? Oh no. Her friends? Heavens no. Her nearly 60 year old father? ABSO-EFFING-LUTELY!
He told her no.
Also, I do point out to DH to not always say "sorry" for every last thing. It was more a habit at some point finally.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
asshole skids move season LOL
asshole skids move season LOL I can't stop laughing
LOL! Hopefully you are safe
LOL! Hopefully you are safe from it this time around! It was too funny to see this post when DH just got a "move me and pay for it" call yesterday.
Do you know how many times I asked my parents to help me move (or move me and pay for it)? ZERO! Never once in my whole life. They have no shame.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
Oh I don't know. He might not
Oh I don't know. He might not move OSD who lives out of state but YSD shares apartment with a couple who will want to be by themselves so she will need to be moving, DH already said he will be moving her again.
That's when I mentioned to him that adults move themselves such as DD does. But we know...not gonna happen...he will be moving her...
Oh that's right I forgot!
Oh that's right I forgot! You guys did just recently do a skid move too! How funny.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
Yeap YSD lives about 20
Yeap YSD lives about 20 minutes away, was here on Friday night with her friend sitting in the middle of the dining room for SIX hours straight.
I guess we got lucky that
I guess we got lucky that when OSD moved in with her boyfriend last summer she didnt ask for FDH's help. HOWEVER, she did ask if she could use his furniture that he had in storage. Fine.
Well 3 months later she gets evicited from the apartment from not paying rent. GASP- you have to pay rent???
Well she just leaves behind FDH's furniture. Never asks him if he wants it back, can he come and get it. Never explains the situation, that she is being evicited and she can't move the furniture. Nothing. Just moves out and leaves his stuff there.
So needless to say, just chalk that up as a loss.
But really who just uses someone's stuff and then doesn't even care enough to attempt to give it back to them. OH yeah my worthless OSD. LOL.
YSD24 left furniture, dishes
YSD24 left furniture, dishes and other household items behind on at least 3 separate occasions. Yes she moves out and leaves her stuff behind.
DH bought her everything new again last month when she moved yet again. All new furniture. New dishes, everything.
Reminds me not so much of my
Reminds me not so much of my step situation but the inlaw situation. These people have literally taken and stolen from us over and over-but yet they still have the cajones to ask my dh for "help" whenever they need something. He gets really angry at times with them and does not seek them out-but when any of them actually come a calling and are nice when they do it-it severly weakens his resolve. If they were nasty about it he'd tell them to eff off-but when they try and be nice I guess he just has a harder time telling them no. I guess it is hard to completely cut those biological ties. It's hard for me to relate as I have no family members of my own that have repeatedly shit on me.
Dh and I have been doing better with things-trying to come to compromises with things-as in I am not going to try and tell him he can't speak to his bio family members-but I dont want them at my house OR yes, I guess I can be ok with you offering 200.00 to bail your sister out of jail, but not 1500.00.
I failed to mention that I
I failed to mention that I spoke with a dear friend of ours this morning, who called to check on me. He's a part-time Christian counselor and pastor. But overall, he's really down to earth and I like him a lot. He's more Dh's friend than mine by far. And apparently he and DH have spoke about DH's family before, so when I told him about the situation, he had some perspective and some experience (although no more than I have).
He said that DH's CHILDREN still feel resentment toward us. When DH remarried and had children with me NINETEEN YEARS AGO, they felt like he formed another family and left them. He said that issue has never been resolved, and it won't be until we all sit down and talk it out. He (kind soul) suggested that I write all three of DH's CHILDREN, tell them that I want us to be family, and that I am willing and open to do whatever it takes on my end to make that happen.
Wooops! Back up a second. I've spent the majority of the last two decades in the prostrated position when it comes to DH's CHILDREN. Uh, nope. I stood up and I'll never prostrate myself again. The action item is on them.
And you know what? I'm a stepdaughter too. In fact, my father got remarried and adopted my SM's son. He took physical, legal and financial responsibility for someone ELSE'S child, while we were apart. Think I liked that? Nope. Hey, it's LIFE. It just so happens, that some actually grow up and become ADULTS someday, instead of sand-pounding toddlers who think they own people.
NINETEEN YEARS they have resented DH marrying me. Wow, sucks to be them.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
I take it your friend is not
I take it your friend is not in a blended family or he would not suggest writing letters.
Both SDs actually wrote me letters/emails and told me verbally how much they want to be a family. Sounds good right?
Right before moving into the area YSD called me and said that she is looking forward in spending more time with me and how happy she is that we are a family. Wow, sounds sweet.
When she arrived though, she once again stole my stuff, abused and ruined my stuff, respected no boundaries, and was plain rude. Heck right after she arrived we took her to my dad's party, and right before the party she threw a fit that i am using MY laundry machine for two items, then in a restaurant loudly criticized food, whispered to her daddy the whole time and then made fun of my nephews' names (she does it every time she sees them).
Her words were just words.
DH used that excuse that SDs
DH used that excuse that SDs had hard time with dad's and mom's divorce.
My DD is a child of divorce but no one ever even mentioned it, my and ex's divorce does not define my DD and she was a child. My adult SDs are defined by what they parents do, how sad.
If I got that "advice" from a
If I got that "advice" from a so-called "friend," I'd have to respond, "but I do not WANT us to be a family. We are not a family."
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
Unfortunately, we ran out of
Unfortunately, we ran out of time to talk. I don't think he'd argue with me if he knew the whole story. He said it would be a good Christian thing for me to do by reaching out to them. I kicked the dust off my feet and walked. Jesus was not a doormat. You don't cast your letters (pearls) before enemies (swine).
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
It does get tiring to explain
It does get tiring to explain the whole story, especially to people who have not experienced it. I know that!
I never realized the hell my aunt went through as an SM. In fact, never even really thought of her as an SM until I was in hell?!?!?
Then, because I was crying and whining about my situation, she told me a ton.
I actually felt terrible for having made her remember it all LOL. I think eventually, we just want to forget it all.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
it's only been 7 years for
it's only been 7 years for me, but i feel the same way. i don't care anymore. i didn't care much to begin with. the most i ever cared was when my son was born, because i wanted things to be better for him. but, sd isn't ever really around anyway, so i guess that doesn't even matter anymore. they won't be close. she's 15 years older than him, and doesn't live here. bd17 is 13 years older than him, but he's growing up seeing her every day, i know they will always be close. he adores her.
i'm not interested in having any kind of a relationship with sd at all. fdh can do what he wants, but i don't have to be a part of it. i'll still do the "right thing" and invite the bitch to bs's bday parties and things like that, but i do not need or want her in my daily life. she will be having a baby in a few months. maybe once that happens, she will stop worrying so damn much about what goes on in MY family. she seems to think that she can be both a child in this family and the gf/mother in her relationship with her bf and baby to be. it doesn't work both ways. she doesn't understand that as an adult living on her own with a man and expecting a child, she is no longer a daily part of the family her dad has with me and my kids. oh well. i was done trying to make her understand how relationships work a long time ago. if she wants to be pissed off and ignore her dad (i suspect that is what she's been doing since i told her off about the fb msg) and talk bad about us to everyone, she can. changes my life not one bit. it's HER problem. it's not my responsibility to soothe her feelings or give her the impossible things she expects. she'll either figure it out or she won't. i don't care.
i just wish she would realize that i don't care and stop trying to do shit that she thinks will guilt and shame me into caring. all she is doing is making a fool of herself and pissing me off in the moment, and then later i laugh at her for it. she never gets the response she wants, yet she still just won't stop trying...
"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."
OMG StepAside, I feel bad for
OMG StepAside, I feel bad for you and your dh. Those little bitches should have their asses kicked to the moon (and NOT back!). At least your dh is honoring the plans that he already had with you and your son. But he is probably going to be made to feel very guilty about it.
A few years back my dh and I had plans to go camping with a group of friends over the July 4th weekend. Then "second skid" calls - his bm and her dh are flying from "state A" to state B" where "first skid" lives and then driving with first skid and his family to OUR state to spend a couple of days with second skid and his family.
Nice. BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH US? I WONDER...
Well...here is what it had to do with us...second skid wanted us to come and have dinner with the whole clan - right smack dab in the middle of our big camping with friends weekend. And of course dh said YES to second skid because saying NO to second skid might cause some kind of tilting of the planet or something.
I said to dh "what about our plans" - to which he replied "these are my kids" to which I replied "and their MOTHER visiting THEM has NOTHING to do with us..." which resulted in an arguement. He went to dinner. I stayed at the camp site and got royally drunk and had fun with our friends and completely ignored dh when he came back from dinner. IDIOT.
Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.
One of my SD's told me to
One of my SD's told me to grow up a few years ago. Kinda funny if you think about it.
What grieves me are the women here in their 60's, whose SD's are in their 40's and their husbands still chase them like they are their brides. I don't think my husband quite gets the fact that his daughters are who they are, and there is a very good chance that they will never change. The only one who needs to change, is him.
He will have to set some boundaries for himself, as I did. Because I don't want to go through the rest of my life being married to a man who prostrates himself to other women. I lose respect for him when he does it.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
DH and I had many a fight
DH and I had many a fight over this stuff.
I think my husband was so used and abused, he could not see the light for quite some time. I do not know that he will ever be fully recovered.
He has, however, stopped kissing ass. He has started the path of, "NO." He has realized that every single time they contact him, it ends up being for money. He has started to see their deception and call it out...still in a nice way...I would not be so nice.
He went through a lot with all of this, as did I. He is sick and tired of it. He had to get there else I would probably be gone by now.
"Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses." - Ben Linus, Lost
Oh yeah, us too. OSD has her
Oh yeah, us too. OSD has her degree in psych (although she has never used it). She loves to hear the dirt if DH will spill it. As if she's a loving, non-biased listener. He's repeated some of their conversations to me and I have literally wanted to just puke.
Who discusses topics involving sex lives, sex drive, need for frequency, desire, etc. between grown daughter and father?
I assume they'd call me prude. I'd call them in.a.f'ing.propiate.
She likes to discuss it with him for a "man's perspective". Really? Perhaps she should get a shrink's perspective.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
My DH actually told SD to go
My DH actually told SD to go seek marriage counseling as he does not want to be in the middle of her marital problems.
She does not discuss sex but she has been discussing birth control and how she is afraid it is going to fail, changes in her body after giving birth etc She also discusses bodily functions.
This summer she suggested that all 3 of us go on a diet and do colon cleansing. I am serious.
DH is in mid 50s and is thin, I might have to lose some but am not big and it is not her problem. I told her if she needs to lose weight she is welcome to be on a diet but please leave your dad alone as he LOOKS great.
Her DH is heavy and she can't control him so she is trying to act like she and her dad are a couple being on a diet, gross. DH does not need to lose ANY weight
" He said that DH's CHILDREN
" He said that DH's CHILDREN still feel resentment toward us. When DH remarried and had children with me NINETEEN YEARS AGO, they felt like he formed another family and left them. He said that issue has never been resolved, and it won't be until we all sit down and talk it out. He (kind soul) suggested that I write all three of DH's CHILDREN, tell them that I want us to be family, and that I am willing and open to do whatever it takes on my end to make that happen."
That'd only work if these SDs could pull their heads out of their a$$es and realize they too contributed to this mess, and apologize to you for that. And it would only with if they realized who TRULY abandoned them, their BM. DH might not have seen them daily, but he certainly was doing all he could by giving them thousands of dollars, sending a PI to track them down, flying BM here during their scheduled visits.
Your SDs are adults now. They can and should seek counseling on their own. Or if they subscribe to the pastor's line of thinking, pull their heads out of their a$$es and own their contributions to this mess.
Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8
Exactly! Why in the hell do
Exactly! Why in the hell do they bond like super glue to form a fortress around their mother? She tortured the living hell out of their father. She came here for one reason only, to collect American sperm. She got her donations and went home with a huge chunk of his paycheck for the next many years. She blackmailed him until he wished her dead with ever fiber of his being!
"Give me (....) or you NEVA SEE DA GURLS AGAIN!!!!!!"
OMG, she would scream it at him every time they spoke! Do they forget that she would unplug the phone for months at a time to torture him? She made ALL of the rules. And the rules were... he paid way more than what was court ordered for CS, and she decided when he saw HER children.
WTF is up with their little kid mindset that daddy wasn't there for them? What was he supposed to do? Follow her back to her native country?
Their mother ripped them away from him, brainwashed the living hell out of them and yet she's a perfect angel. Daddy will owe them until the day he dies.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
Yep, they know. They have
Yep, they know. They have every excuse in the book for everything their mother did. BM went to punish my DH for not sending MORE money (she always wanted more than the CS every month) and shut her home phone off for 3 months. No contact with his daughters at all. I was pregnant at the time.
Think I enjoyed watching my husband fear for the safety of his daughters when we were supposed to be looking forward to the birth of our son? He was freaking out! But he still wired her CS every month, and her bank gladly accepted it. See, that's the kind of crap that would never have happened with me.
No kids, no money, end of story. She would always tell him that she'd go "underground" and he'd never see them again. Bull-pucky. She needed his money. She graduated from 6th grade and the only talent she has ever has lies between her legs.
Since she had his children, she didn't even have to use that skill. She had a cell phone years before either of us ever did. She could afford many luxuries, like a live-in nanny. I could go on and on, but I'd just be repeating myself.
The sting of their mother has worn off us both, since she dumped her own children eventually and crawled back to her paid for condo, eager to dump her parental duties. But the severity of her atrocities puts any accusations they have toward my husband to shame. She was a street-smart, manipulative, cunning witch. She made our lives hell with her weekly phone calls. Had my husband in tears at least once a month with her threats. She could blackmail better than any BM in the states, because there are no international treaties regarding support or visitation between her country and ours. He was never going to stop paying, even if he never saw his children again... and she knew it.
She instilled her skills in her children, who have cloned her behavior toward him. Give me... or else. That has long been their motto. Words will never describe how much I abhor that mentality and that level of ingratitude and disrespect.
So, when Lil Miss Come Move Me calls wanting my DH to come do her manual bidding, when she is so entitled that she hasn't stepped foot in our home since June 30, 2008, it makes my blood boil.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon
What is that about. My SD16
What is that about.
My SD16 is so tight with her Mum. Her Mum is an alcoholic and got pregnant deliberately 17 years ago right after my DH had said he wanted to split up. One mistake. poor man.
DH is a pay check. that is not love. Even though she has been horrible to me and her mother won't even meet me or say hello, I feel sorry for them because none of this is about love. Love doesn't need to be manipulated or be bought. You know love when you have it in your life. I am not saying DH does not love SD16, just that it is all so false and money oriented it must be hard to find the love. I watch and it does not seem like the love I have with my child.
I know this sounds crazy but when you stop and think about it. Feel sorry for them. Certainly be scared and wary of them but feel sorry for them. 19 years of resentment. Mmm. Are some little girls not feeling loved because they never learned how to love properly. Lies and using and manipulation are not love sweethearts.
You are all teaching me that I need to set up the boundaries around money early before she goes to college. We have paid for schooling, trips, driving lessons, well I could some it up as everything including $100/week pocket money (not my Idea). I am so scared when I read what these grown up SDs and SSs are doing. Any advice? Maybe $x per week until she finishes uni and none on the holidays. Get a holiday job etc?
I think my SD's despise me
I think my SD's despise me because my husband loves me very much. He didn't see them much growing up, because they didn't live with him. Their mother made sure of it.
So I am and have been his family for nearly two decades. They have never been able to swallow that.
Guess they should take a look at their mom too. She was no saint. She wanted babies who were 1/2 American. She got what she wanted and left the country. It was all about the $$$ to her.
She even told the SD's that they were "mistakes" to my DH, but she wanted and planned them all. Indeed, what a loving spin to make my DH look like a heartless bastard, and herself as the martyr. In fact, she lied about being on birth control all three times, and tricked him.
Truth hurts. But it doesn't hurt as much when you spin it all around.
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." - Napoleon