Try 20+ years - it doesn't get any better. The sooner you accept that the better off you will be. Have no expectations then you cannot be disappointed. We had a few years that were "not bad" but they were not great either. These SD's just cannot accept another woman in their father's life period. It is not you - it would be any woman. When you start to think about it, try to distract yourself by doing something else or telling yourself they do not matter to me. I have been working on this for a few months now - it took me a long time to accept the hard truth. Getting better everyday! Good luck.

I have been trying to focus on other things, thankfully SD has gone to live with the deceased BM boyfriend to get at my other half I am pleased as I feel exhausted from all the negativity and nastiness. It is sad these kids cant see they are only harming themselves acting like they do, I feel my SS and SD have and are missing out on so much but I feel I am coming to terms with the fact they will never like me. I am just struggling to move on from it especially when they turn up and the house, I showered for an hour yesterday to avoid my SD! I guess it will always hurt but thank you I will try distracting myself. Does your OH understand how you feel, mine wont hear a bad word said about his SD which hurts me even more, I am a kind and generous person and I honestly dont feel I have ever behaved in a way to cause problems but my OH does not understand me saying that I want nothing more to do with them. I used to dream that when they had kids I would be a doting step granny but I dont think I will ever be included so for my own sanity and self preservation I am looking to break all ties, they are 18 and 20 years old so I feel within my rights to say enough is enough.

Time for some family therapy. Might save their lives, too. Tell them they are only welcome in your house if they see a therapist about their hatred and negativity. At this age, hate to tell ya, but they are kind of a lost cause. What does your partner say about all this? BTW- you will never replace their mom, so don't even try. My bond with my kids is so strong, even if I died, they will never regard anyone as their "mother".

I have never tried to be a Mother to them, I have never got directly involved in their up bringing as I like you believe I could never replace their mum or would want to, I was just after a positive friendship really nothing more, I have just been polite, friendly and as warm and welcoming as was possible and when their Mum died I tried to be as supportive as a friend. She is living with her dead mums boyfiend as he holds the keys to the trust fund money and she knew it would hurt her Father she has become a hateful soul, we asked her to see a counsellor but seemingly she saw one with her bm as they never got on when she was alive and she thinks she does not need any. I have tried all avenues but now see its been pointless and I feel worn out from all the upset. I agree I need to disengage its just finding a way to desensitise myself to them not easy. Thank you for all your advise I am glad I found this forum.

Hi, sorry you're going through this. As you have no doubt read on this website, your situation is typical. I think the biggest hurdle to overcome right now is to get your DH to recognise the skids' attitude/behaviour towards you. It's so frustrating and isolating when your DH dismisses how they treat you.

Please read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, and let your husband read it. Please do that! Also, let him read other posters' blogs on StepTalk. The book and this website has truly made my husband open his eyes and I would say that as a result, he has a really good grasp on the stepmother experience.

I banged my head against a brick wall for 17 years trying to get my DH to understand, but only when he read about other situations like ours was he open to understanding the step family dynamics. Then he could understand that I was no longer open to having any type of relationship with his adult kids.

Good luck!

My oh just says oh its not directed at me "she is like it with everyone" but he is just trying to smooth over the cracks, she hates me simple. I feel resentful to him as I feel he could have been a bit stronger at the start and make them be respectful but he chose to give her ponies, money, a private education, clothes, holidays, he has never put his foot down and said she is a human being treat her with respect, now they dont respect him,

I don't know where you go from here...but I know how you feel.

Things with DH have changed somewhat concerning the assholes, but I never know when he will kick back into DEFEND THE PRECIOUS POOPSIES AT ALL COST mode.

It happens.

I was not kind to them for 8 years. Maybe three or four. That stops here. I will, from now on, treat them as they treat me.

I know damn well they will never stop. They think I am a POS. Screw them. THEY are the POSs. And now, they will be treated as they deserve.

I have a 33 year old friend who has a stepmother I was telling her how I felt and asked how she felt about her stepmother she simply replied "oh i hate her" why? "no reason she is really lovely I just dont like her!" it made me realise this is one problem I can never solve I wish I had disengaged years ago but was afraid of the impact it would have on my relationship with my partner, now I dont care I feel so wounded if it breaks us up I think I would feel relieved. Not sure what part of the female mind makes SD act like they do it makes everyone miserable.

I am not having kids of my own either, so I also felt this was a great setup when I got married: a (step)daughter! Obviously, if I'm typing on this site, it didn't turn out that way. Part of this is getting over what could have been, especially if you're open and receptive to a relationship with her. But she's a person too and it takes two to tango and she's not interested. Eight years is a long time to wait for improvement. I waited nearly five. I have recently begun disengaging and it feels pretty empty, but there are fewer roller coasters in my own mood and I'm jerked around much less this way. It's a process, right? Good luck to you.

Thanks i guess you are right it is a grieving process really I wonder if she notices my lack of interest, i just need something else to focus on its been an emotional black hole.

Sit down and make a list of people who are important in your life. Are these kids on that list? I thought not. So why fixate on them. Listen you gave it the ol college try and they're not accepting it. But they're kids. They may come around - or maybe not.

Just remain neutral with no espectations. Don't even greet them if they come in the door - be in another (bath)room all of a sudden and just go about your business when you come out.

If the day comes they open up a little be receptive but don't reach out yourself just to be rebuffed again.

You need to turn your mind-set around and understand that your worth as a person is completely unrelated to these two people. Seek a family counselor they can help a lot.

And also, sit down and have a think what they represented in your life -- not necessarily just people whom it would be nice to be close to cos they matter to DH, but you also mention not being able to have children. If you are of an appropriate age, think about extended family, adoption, fostering, mentoring, godparenting... hope this does not sound patronising, but even think about a pet. Anything to delete the wish to make this special thing of the parent-like relationship with them. That is incredibly painful for you. Once you have a focus of any sort that seems more vibrant and meaningful than them, they can fade a bit as concerns... so long as nothing gets too confrontational, you can actually disengage in such a way that you do not create an imbalance in your relationship with DH. Simply not mentioning their names, asking anything, blandly nodding and smiling when they are mentioned, ignoring whilst appearing unruffled, can all happen without DH even noticing you are gradually moving to an emotionally distant position.
It's so liberating dropping the interest in uninterested, uninteresting people. You will not believe you did not do it earlier.

Stop being a "people pleaser" regarding skids. It's not worth it. Fade away from ungratefulness, and do not let them press your buttons. You can only control yourself. They might wake up some day but don't hold your breath.
Leave them and their ignorance at the curb. Watch the garbage men pick up the rubbish and close the chapter because it ain't gonna work . So if they don't appreciate you then let it go with the trash.
Move on to the better things in life, only YOU can make yourself happy...

Another tgreat thing about disassocating I can pretend it is only me and my SO. SO's who come with children seem like a package deal. If I think about the daughter of my SO my relationship becomes a love triangle or threesome, in which the daughter comes first and I come second. Also, if I think about the daughter of my SO, I realize she finds the power to hate me because on some level my SO hates me. My SO hides behind his daughter. I know this to be true, because when my SO allowed his daughter to disrespect me she did disrepect me. Due to the disrespect I broke up with my SO for several years. However he professed his love, and we got back together. Now he demands his daughter respect me, and so far she has respected me. However I stay away from her. In 10 months I have only seen her two times. True to her MO, both times were a pop in or drop in. Both times she gave me the creepy eyeball, which consists of her looking into my eyes as if she can sear my brain. Her look just says, She has the power. Oh well that is okay. i am just hanging out with her daddy. His daughter wants me to, Leave her daddy alone. Ultimately, her daddy will be alone. However she doesnt want out hang out with her daddy. She just wants him to be alone. She is a selfish 32 yo.

Thank you for all your advice, I have a dog, cat and a business to keep myself occupied so I will just focus on anything but the skids, I wish I had known what I was getting myself into 8 years ago, reading on here it just looks like they continue to make your life hell well hopefully I will learn not to care.

You said SD never got along with her BM and went to unsuccessful counseling for it so SD obviously has problems. It's not you. Therefore, nothing you will do will change this adult's personality. If SD has any emotion, she's probably feeling terrible since her mother's death because she didn't have a good relationship with her BM and didn't resolve the problems. Thus, it is highly doubtful she will ever be interested in developing a relationship with you, the SM. It may take her years (if ever) to resolve this psychologically.

The only advice I will give is make sure your partner has his desires squared away in appropriate legal documents - will, power of attorney, medical directive, etc. Because if something happens to him you don't want this bunch putting you out in the street. Make sure you have enough money set aside for yourself.

The SD had a massive arguement with her BM on the night of her death, the SD really is damaged goods and I feel the worst is yet to come as she gets the wealth in 1 years time.The late BM boyfriend of 10 years was left homeless she left everything to her children and a substantial wealth to boot, I felt sorry for him and it has worried me regarding DH will.I am not brave enough to ask as I feel it sounds a bit greedy but the BM had all his money and house in the divorce and he had nothing when I met him, what we have now we have built together and I feel he would never leave it to them but you never truly know. I am hoping I go first as I know the SD will raise hell if she does not get it especially as she got all her BM's money.