Yes, it is time that I grow up. There has to be AT LEAST one grown up in this whole situation, right? My husband isn't it and the BM is most definitely not.
As of yesterday, DH has the kids for 2 weeks. Of course this year is not not two full on back to back weeks because CPS decided to ask SS9 what he wanted and he said he didn't want to come as long as I was there. He (SS9) suggested that DH send me "on vacation". That would be nice too, but the chances of my husband sending me anywhere are as slim as the chances of me actually liking this kid. Anyway, I didn't go "on vacation" to visit my family in my home country because I can't afford it. Instead, I decided to stay and work. Nevertheless, the kids are around and DH has to drive them back and forth to their mother's house because they don't want to spend the night in the same place I live. Fantastic! So although there will be no traveling, this will be the most expensive vacation on earth due to the 100 km drive every day.
So ok, whatever. I've decided to just let it go and forget about all the pain and suffering and hurt feelings and stuff and seriously GROW UP! So I sent DH a text yesterday saying that since our main goal was to get the kids back into our lives like it used to be, we should try and spend some time together and show them that I'm not so bad.
...Let me make a parenthesis here to say that I really am not so bad. I was never the problem in this situation until this kid started lying. Something inside of me clicked and I started getting angry and irritated at nothing. It bothered me just to know that he was coming. I took it out on him, his brother and DH. - So it's a good time to stop playing martyr (on my part) and accept my mistakes. Yes, I have made mistakes. First of all, I tried to be a mother to these kids. Big mistake. Second of all, when being a mother didn't work and they had treated me like shit, I decided to be evil-step-mom. Kind of like... If you want a reason to hate me, I'll give you one... Very immature, I know but I couldn't help it at the time. The important thing is that I see it now and I'm trying to fix it.
Closing parenthesis, as I was saying, we should show them that I'm not so bad so therefore we should do something together over the 2 week vacation. I suggested that we start with half an hour together one day, dinner together the next, the afternoon together the next and so on... build up to perhaps spending the weekend together and try to get our lives back on track. I thought this would accomplish a few things: 1. I wouldn't feel so alienated. 2. The kids would have their father back. 3. DH would get exactly what he wants (which is all of us getting along) 4. Would save a lot of gas money. 5. We would start being a family (or pretend family anyway). 6. We would stop being a burden on my in-laws who are the ones who always end up taking the kids when DH doesn't want to drive them back or BM doesn't want to have them at home (this is another story).
DH thought my idea was wonderful and we should totally do that. He said he loved me and I was the best and blah blah blah... It turns out that we had "Family Therapy" yesterday evening. I work in the city and therapy is half way between our home and the city so we had agreed to meet there. However, I was done at work early and they were at my in-laws' house so I called to see if perhaps I should come there first and hang out with the kids for a few minutes (as I had said on my text - just a start) and we cold drive together. His answer: "Why don't you just wait for me at the mall". Huh?
He said later on, in therapy that he hadn't heard what I said, but instead of saying that he didn't hear me, he just answered a completely different thing. Whatever... I was upset but I let it go. At therapy we discussed the plan and our therapist (who is the most amazing person on earth) totally agreed. We then started discussing how we should play things out with SS9 due to his "disabilities" (ADHD and emotional disengagement), and we somehow ended up talking about the last meeting between all the parts of this big stupid problem. Here in Norway there are a lot of organizations that get involved in these events. In our case it is the BV which is the equivalent to CPS, then there's FV which is Family services, then BUP which is child and youth psychology and PPT which takes care of his academics. The last meeting involved all organizations plus all parents and step parents and the school representatives which are his teacher and the nurse he talks to twice a week. In this meeting, apparently the nurse, the teacher and BM rambled against me for hours saying that I was a horrible person and I should never be around ANY children whatsoever. I wasn't there because I was sick and DH was supposed to defend me. He didn't. He just sat there and let them all say all sorts of shit about me. And I had to find out about it from our family therapist who represents Family Services in this case. Needless to say, I was pissed.
In the end, our therapist said that if we want to move forward we need to work really hard and there is no room for mistakes. That means that I am not allowed to react to anything this child does or says. I just have to sit there and pretend like it didn't happen (perhaps I should just wear headphones all day long?) but he also said something amazing to my husband. He told him that he needed to get a grip on the situation and start being the parent and the husband that we all needed. DH is sort of a push-over. Everyone tells him what to do and he happily complies because he like making people happy. Or rather, he doesn't want to make people unhappy. So everyone thinks that he doesn't have a thought of his own. When he just sits there and lets everyone talk shit about his wife and doesn't do anything, all other people think that he's agreeing with them. So his assignment and his goal for the near future, is to step up and be a grown up. My assignment is to step down and be a grown up.
So we'll see how it ends up. Won't be easy...