Summer's coming and it's the first one with my new hubby. We have his 3 kids, 6, 13 & 14 every other weekend. BM is actually suggesting that we switch to every other week for the summer (I'm sure this is for her benefit more than anything else). Of course we will still be paying her child support to care for the kids full-time and while she only has them half the time. So we will barely be able to afford to have them every other week. Don't you love how that works out.
I have my daughter who is turning 8 this summer full time. We have always done something fun for her birthday. we used to live in southern California, so we would forgo a birthday party for Disneyland, Six Flags, Knott's Berry Farm... It's a tradition for us at least once a year to go to some type trip at least once or twice a year. Problem is, we can't afford it with the 3 SK's. It turns a $500-$600 trip into a $1200 trip. It's unbelievable! So my sister lives near Orlando and we have been planning to go there for DD's birthday this year. I don't think we are going to be able to afford it with the SK's and DH would think of taking a trip like that without his children. I really can't blame him.
So at the same time I'm dealing with this, my sister rents out an extravagant lake house (sleeps 28) to celebrate her family's birthdays. She, her husband and two kids all have birthdays the last 2 weeks of May. All of my family and her in-laws are coming for the week long event. We had decided to leave a day later than everyone else because of SK's school. Than we find out SD has a mandatory band concert the day we are planning to go and have to leave another day later. This leaves us only 2 days to enjoy our vacation. This trip was going to be virtually free for us, cost of gas and food but even when the trip seems affordable, somehow it just turns into a giant hassle when we have to take the SK's.
I guess I am just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that our newly expanded family will never be able to afford to do the things I loved so much. I feel so guilty suggesting that we just don't take them, but it ruins my plans every time we do. I guess i just have to get used to it being this way. Thanks for letting me vent...
Just do what you can
Hi KA, we are with you and having to curtail a lot but since our SD lives far away we do end up doing things without her, because it costs so much to fly her in and she is not always available. But I still feel like we deserve to do what we can, given a great opportunity like you have been offered with your sis.
You need to convince your DH that you, your DH and your BD are a family too, your own separate family that does not always include his kids from former marriage. Because its true!! Me and DH are our own family too, at the end of the day we only have each other, since we can't get SD.
If you have the chance to enjoy a lower cost opportunity, you deserve the break to get away for a while too.
And re. taking every other week but paying full child support its easy for me - just say no-!!!!! You are not required to do that and cannot get in trouble with child support for not doing it. She is completely trying to take advantage of you, and also counting on you not wanting to say anything because of new marriage.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
Just do what you can
Hi KA, we are with you and having to curtail a lot but since our SD lives far away we do end up doing things without her, because it costs so much to fly her in and she is not always available. But I still feel like we deserve to do what we can, given a great opportunity like you have been offered with your sis.
You need to convince your DH that you, your DH and your BD are a family too, your own separate family that does not always include his kids from former marriage. Because its true!! Me and DH are our own family too, at the end of the day we only have each other, since we can't get SD.
If you have the chance to enjoy a lower cost opportunity, you deserve the break to get away for a while too.
And re. taking every other week but paying full child support its easy for me - just say no-!!!!! You are not required to do that and cannot get in trouble with child support for not doing it. She is completely trying to take advantage of you, and also counting on you not wanting to say anything because of new marriage.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
Start as you mean to continue...
Speak up and negotiate with you husband regarding the CS while the kids are with you (put it in the holiday fund?) and also how and when you will have your own family holidays. As for your sisters invitation, I think you and your daughter should go for the full week, and your DH and SK can follow when they can.
Don't keep putting your needs last. No one will notice or say thank you (trust me and everyone else here, they won't), and your resentment will build and build until you finally blow up. Thats not good for anyone.
Go by yourselves
Let him stay home with the skids. I think you will quickly find out that your skids will be doing things with BM that doesn't involve your daughter so I wouldn't feel bad. Your daughter and you have a family too.
I go once a month without DH or my skids to take my GKIDS out. I feel my Grand daughters and I deserve to have time alone where I can concentrate on just them. My SKIDS have my attention every minute of every day. My SKIDS really don't care. They do things alone with their Dad too.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
Go by yourselves
click happy
I know just what you mean
We have SD15 and two BDs (4 and 1). Husband never wants to leave SD out, to the point that we used to have to postpone events until SD was there. Eventually, I put a stop to that because BDs aren't "on hold" until SD is there. That would never work.
I agree with the expense of the stepkids. In our case, taking SD along on vacations soon will mean an extra hotel room. SD is too much of a princess to sleep on a hide-a-bed or cot, which is what I sometimes had to do as one of three kids in my family.
My husband wants to take the little ones to Disneyland, and I can't help but think how much that will cost if we also take SD. He spends money on her like it's water, and nothing I say can make him think twice. When we go out to eat, she always picks one of the most expensive dishes on the menu. And he won't tell her no.
If it was me, I would take BD with me for the entire trip you mentioned, then husband can come later with stepkids. That way your daughter doesn't miss out.
Thanks, for all your
Thanks, for all your comments. It is so great to find somewhere where people understand you. I have felt so selfish for resenting the extra cost of taking the stepkids places. I am just used to paying for myself my ex and my daughter when we go do things. Adding 3 more makes a HUGE differance. Because BM keeps DH very involved in the SK's lives, it would be a huge slap in their face to do something without them. They live on our street, are with us every other weekend, sometimes longer if BM has to go out of town for work. DH takes SS(6) to school every morning and sometimes has to take the older girls or pick them up if BM has to work late. He is lucky to still be so involved in their lives and I really am glad that he is. The effect that it has on my quality of life is still quite frustrating and I feel like I knew what I was getting into and shouldn't let myself get so upset. The biggest thing is the child support I think... I wouldn't mind them being with us and taking them places if we wern't so darn broke after paying CS. It leaves us in a position where I can't even do small things for my daughter.I can't tell you how many times I've thought maybe this isn't the place for me. It's an overwhelming situation.
I'm so sorry
It is a frustrating, overwhelming situation. Luckily I only have one SD, instead of three (I think I would have run screaming by now). My husband is also very involved in SD's life. We have primary custody, so she is with us about 70 percent of the time. However, at one point (when we got married) it was equal 50/50 custody. Then BM moved an hour away.
The best advice I can give is to do special (small) things with BD when stepkids are not there. My BDs just love going to museums, the park, etc. I take them to lunch someplace special (kid-oriented) once in a while, just to show them that we are a family even when SD is not there.
We don't pay CS, so that helps, but we should be getting CS and aren't. So money is still tight and will always be an issue for us.
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