This is a question for those Sparents who have full custody of their Skids although I am interested in all opinions. My SD8 lives w us full time and has virtually no contact with BM by BM's own choice.
My question is can you disengage if you are the full time parent? I have a lot of the same problems with my DH that I see reported here - lack of discipline, guilt parenting, defensiveness, resistance to change - and I know the argument is that the child has two parents and those people, even if they are flailing around like blind squid, those people are responsible. But when you are really the only "mom" for 363 days out of the year, is it better to go to the mat with your DH on parenting issues, or to disengage?
I am really frustrated, but at the same time, feel guilty about even thinking about disengagement for the reasons above. I'd appreciate everyone's thoughts.
I do it on some level with my own kids, even.
You can disengage from arguments, you can disengage from the turmoil. You can disengage by telling a child whatever you need to tell them, and then walking away and not allowing yourself to participate in an argument with the child. You can disengage for a few seconds, a few minutes, a few hours, or however long you need to do it to get your head screwed back on straight. It doesn't mean you have to cut yourself off from them indefinitely. Just for as long as it takes!
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I am a custodial Sm
Disengaging is the only way I know to keep my sanity. I refuse to be a taxi driver, I refuse to do anything that DH is supposed to do. I will watch the kids once in a while but basically the kids are my DH's responsibility.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
I was given the disengaging
advice also. I have in some ways. At first I took it to the extreme and my skids suffered in a way. They had no parental direction from HB or their BM. In defense of HB, he works alot and is not around most of the time. BM just chooses to be uninvolved. So I reevaluated my decision of disengaging totally. I've realized that they need me for that extra push. In my heart I believe I'm more repected by my skids for instilling decipline, whether it be mine or HB. BM does that "guilt parenting." Skids look to their BM for materialistic things when we won't buy them. For example cellphones. BM wants to buy a cell for SS11 and I told her we will absolutely not be responsible for paying for it. When I say something to SD9 like you can't wear makeup in public, she says my mommy lets me. I roll my eyes and think, of course she does. I think it's just how much you feel comfortable with. Without a BM around your SD needs you as a role model and also a MOM!!!! Regardless of the "stepparent roll" most professionals put on us, your roll as a positive role model for SD is great since she has no "real" mom.
My kids biggest cheerleader
I don't know how, honestly,
I don't know how, honestly, you can disengage when it is your home and your life as well that is being affected. I do think you should always strongly and kindly state your position - and then diengage and let him handle it. At least then they BOTH know where you stand, and there is no misunderstanding. If it is getting to the point that she is being disrespectful to you, that is another issue that he MUST address.
Good luck - it must be tough.
By letting DH
You disengage by letting him do all the homework with the kids, pick up and drop off kids, don't make yourself become a built in babysitter for he or BM, let him handle BM, let him purchase clothes, school supplies for the children. However you do make it clear to the children that you and DH are the bosses in your home and what you say goes and if they don't listen DH needs to be there to back you up.
I started off in my marriage basically trying to do it all. I wound up stressed out, not appreciated, and resentful. To top that off I got stuck for ALL the bills. DH has had a hard time keeping a stable job and BM refused to pay CS and kept DH's Attorney bills up. Now I am at the point that I don't even cook for them. I raised my own kids and those days are long gone. He wanted custody of the kids then he needs to bear the full brunt of the responsibility. I don't mind "helping". I emphasize the helping because I make it clear whatever I do is because I want to and not because I have to.
I am not saying be angry and hateful you just need to draw the boundaries. Don't put up with the disrespect from SKIDS. If DH doesn't back you up then IMO there is no marriage and then I will send he and kids packing.
Too often as SM's we are walked all over and to be honest it is not the children's faults. DH needs needs to not tolerate it and as a SM and a person living in the home you need to not tolerate his allowance of the disrespect.
DH will not like the disengagement but you will respect yourself much more. I know my Skids love and respect me and it took awhile for them to understand my place in our home.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
I call it "Time Out".
I call it "Time Out". I love Time Out. Hubby even comes home from work and says "where are you going tonight?"
I say, "I don't want to go!!" and he tells me that I need a break and that he knows how to be a parent. In fact, he just encouraged me to change jobs and now takes care of the house and any kids we have on Mondays so I can go to work. He's freakin' awesome!!!! 
I am a primary momma. I
I am a primary momma. I don't think I can disengage. I know I don't want to. His kids are like my own son. I am a momma in my home... not step momma. I do put responsibility where it belongs. The kids are resonsible for themselves, their property and their wants. DH backs me with his just as I back him with Son. Have I had to remove myself from the room b/c I was angry at an action by one of the children.... most definately. Will there be future times when I need to calm down... oh yeah... but, I do have a vested intrest in the kids... I love them. I will admit that having a DH who isn't a diciplinarian is hard. I had this with the biodad of my bioson. I established respect with the kids... for the little people they are... not who their momma or daddy is. I realize that they are kids... and it is up to me to be a positive influence in their lives. I choose to be the best I can be as a momma. This is how I cope... everybody has to come up with the best way for themselves and their situation. IMHO, if you go into a relationship knowing there are children who you did not give birth to, that were fathered by your b/f, you need to be woman enough to accept that these kids and the "other woman" will be in your life forever. If you can't handle that... you need to get out while the getting is good.
I started to disengage although not the primary custody
person UNTIL THE BEHAVIOUR DIRECTLY EFFECTED ME. NOw that i let BF take over all the "special" meal fixing, the endless high maintenance requests b/c skids refuse to do anything for themselves, etc. BF gets sick of it and has let me literally scold them w/o repercussion and defense. He was SOOO exhausted from constantly having to do everything for them this weekend that he was ready to dump them off early on Sunday a.m. When i was doing all the "mommy" stuff for them so that BF could work on the house, etc. it was awful; he felt he never had enough time with them.
His time SHOULD be his time; so if he wants to wear himself out babysitting these oversized baby hueys he's welcome to it!
Same situation
I am custodial Stepmom to SD11 & SD 7, also have BD15. I tried to do it all at first and like Cruella found myself feeling very resentful. I don't disengage but take occasional "time-outs." The way it works for us is always having my DH back me up and making sure we are always on the same page - even if we aren't we pretend to be in front of the kids!
Basically he and I discuss the discipline, are finally on the same page with it and I have him enforce it with SD's. I do keep them without him quite often but always say "I'll have to talk to your dad" - it really works for me. When you are the custodial it's pretty impossible not to be affected by their behavior and want to try and positively influence their life. Especially if you love them.
As for homework and taking care of them, we share the duties. He knows when I help with HW or read with the girls that I'm helping him and loving him and I know he appreciates it. Just find what works best for you and your DH. How long have you been married? I feel like we just fell into a nice routine but it took at least 2 years to get there. It will get better but the key is for you and DH to always be on the same page
I'm a full time step mom
who is about to adopt my SS's. In the beginning, I had to disengage, from EVERYTHING. I didn't have a child of my own at the time, so it was easy for me, not so easy for SDA (Sir Dumb A**). I simply pretended they didn't exist. I acted as if they were a lump sitting in my way. SDA had to work nights at the time so he didn't get much sleep having to stay awake to get the kids off to school, picking up the messes of his and the kids (I'd throw any mess they made on their bed, the SS's, didn't matter if it was clothes, dishes or toys, they went on their bed.
Then SDA had to help with homework, feed the kids, get them in the bath, ect.. He finally understood that I was damn sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and got his act together. Today, if the boys, even our biological son we have together, gives me too much grief, he steps in and handles the problem!
~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~
While I'm not a full time
While I'm not a full time stepmom, I feel pretty strongly about this issue. There is NO way I would ever step down as MOM in my own home. Not ever. When I married my dh, I expected and desired an equal partnership with him in parenting all children in our home, including his daughter. I have suffered through much of the same issues that everyone here has. My dh was as clueless as the next guy about authentic parenting vs. being the "fun dad" all the time. He and I went round after round on these issues, but I held firm and I proved my points over time. It has paid off 110%. I am the mom, he is the dad. We parent all of the children in the same way, and we don't differentiate between the kids. It is the only way I have been able to keep my sanity. If someone told me to disengage in my own home, I would NEVER accept that. I am not going to step down as the adult in my own home. EVER. I strongly suggest marital counseling over these issues. But don't ever sell yourself short. You are expected to be with your sk's full time, and don't let anyone redefine your role. And don't take what seems to be the easy way out to redefine your role. Get in the trenches now, and fight the hard fights. It will pay off. But remember that if you want to fill in as mom for the disciplinary stuff, you will also need to fill in on giving out the affection. Just remember that it needs to be a well rounded relationship.
I don't consider it stepping down
To step down that means I would have had to let them have run of the house. That wasn't the case. By disengaging, I didn't have to worry about what they doing or how, it was their dad's problem. If the skids were doing something I didn't like, I had their handle it. I didn't fight, argue, plead or threaten anymore. I didn't cook, clean or buy for anymore. I simply went on about my life without all the hassle. It didn't take long for the kids to figure out that dad was much harsher than laughter was. Dad wasn't as loving or playful and he didn't cook as well. Things soon changed and I NEVER gave up any position in my home, I simply took my expectations to their dad and made him responsible for their lives. It worked.
~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~
I am going back and forth on this issue
DH &I need to sit down and have a chat about SD now living with us. I have decided to give him the choice of how he would like me to handle my role as SM. We have had such issues over this and honestly I was most happy when disengaged to SD's outcome as an adult however, with her living with us FT I want to know where I stand. I will give him two options 1) I am engaged, make decisions, am included in all issues with SD. I will treat her EXACTLY like I have my own Bkids and that includes the good, the bad and the ugly. 2) I totally have no say in her upbringing or decisions about her activities, clothing choices, makeup, boyfriends and behavior. Either way, it's all or nothing. I will not however give up my right to be respected in my own home, ever!
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Yes..."All or nothing" it's
Yes..."All or nothing" it's when you get torn between the "all or nothing" or spouses and skids want the best of both worlds...that things get stressful. You're expected to care for step kids, run them places, be a "mom" when it's convenient, but when it comes to discipline or having a say in certain things, then you're treated like an alien.
I'm a fulltime SM
When the girls lived with their BM I was disengaged. DH took care of everything. However I did step in every now and then when it directly involved me. (and BM turned me in for child abuse after SD kicked the bed and it left a bruise)
Now the girls live with us. BM lives 6.5 hours away in another state. And DH is a truck driver and is gone Monday thru Friday. So it's just the girls and I.
No I'm totally ingaged and responcible for everything that goes on in my home. It's like I'm a single parent to the skids. The girls hates a first and BM still hates it but they have no choice. The girls are getting better about me being in control, and now they even call me Momma. They also come to realize (though they don't like it) just how shallow and self centered their BM really is. They are coming to apreciate the things I do for them too. They have even told me I do more for them then BM ever did. DH is learning a thing or two too. He still thinks I'm to strick on the girls but has noticed how well behaved they are becoming.
The girls are no longer out of control either. Not one teacher has been cursed out by them and their grades have improved 10 fold. (they were flunking EVERY! class while living with BM, now they are making C's and above) It looks like they are going to pass this year also.
Don't get me wrong I tried disengaging. I let DH take care of everything but he lets things slide till they are out of control then tries to take control when it's to late. I don't let it get out of control in the first place. I remind DH that his girls were uncontrolable at BM's house and the school was talking about expelling them. I drove school buses for the alternative school for five years. I know bad kids. You have to show tough love and stay one step ahead of them. Then once they learn the rules you can relax a little.
The girls still test me and DH still underminds me but I'm not going to give up for the girls sake. They need to know where they stand with adults and how to follow the rules. They also need to realize what happens when they don't follow them.
Maybe after DH finds a local job I can step back a little but while they live with me I know I can't be totaly disengaged, b/c DH is clueless and the girls need a female role model.
Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns
I keep trying
It's hard when someone is in your face all the time, especially if you're not acknowledging them and their rudeness. I'm half waiting for SD to come up and slap me.
Please let me know how to do it. I am going to lose my mind if I have to live like this for 5 more years.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
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