I've been married to my wonderful husband for four years now. He has two daughters from his previous marriage and we have them almost every weekend. I have been really blessed that they are good kids that honestly like me. We get along well most of the time. But I just don't look forward to seeing them. I actually dread it most of the time. When we have them for two weeks in the summer, I think I'll go crazy. I keep thinking this is going to change with time, but I'm starting to doubt it. My husband misses them when they aren't around and wants any excuse for them to come on extra days. I wish I felt that way but I just don't.
I always have.
Don't get me wrong, there has been as much dread as there's been joy, but I can honestly say that, despite that, I have always been glad to see them. I've also been glad to see them go. I think it's just the nature of the beast.
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
This kind of describes me
This kind of describes me too. I am glad to see her come and glad to see her go. I care about her very much and I like her to be here, but she alters my routine enough that I start feeling tired and wanting things back to 'normal' after a few days. The weekends go by in a flash, but the longer visits drag sometimes. My other kids are so thrilled when she is here that I am genuinely excited for them. I would never take that away from them.
NO. I anticipate it and get
NO. I anticipate it and get sick to my stomach, but it's not an excited sort of anticipation.
My Skids
Greet me at the door everyday when I get home from work doing what I call a little pee pee dance. Yes I can honestly say I do look forward to seeing them.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
That is great
I think having a SD who reacted like that when I came home would make all of the crap worthwhile! Unfortunately, I have the SD15 who scampers to another room whenever I appear. She does NOT enjoy seeing me, and the feeling is mutual.
That visual... reminds me of
That visual... reminds me of what my dog does when I get home from work....
LOL!
Yeah my dog does the same thing.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
Mixed emotions....
/
no i dread it
i get so sick over it my friends can always tell when there due up but its not my ksids fault i h8 them its the way theve been brought up they act liek they are one of the adults and to me a nine yr old should just not be in some ones face saying what are you doing here get out your annoying thats down right disrespectful and Bf does not say a word about it they walk up and down my table (now broke !!!!)break my Pc do not go to bed at a decent hour and when they finally go to bed and BF comes to bed he ha ther bedroom door open and ours its so awful !!
feel like i have no privacy whatsoever
i feel ready to let my relationship go now so next time they are up im going to think of ME just ME not him and if they piss me off they will know about it if he doesnt like this tuff she he can pack his bags and leave my apartment !!!
sorry had to let that out
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
and im not ashamed
im not ashamed of it neither i do not feel gulty every one that has met my skids has said how awful they are so i put it to BF in the most horrible way and he seems to be clicking on to it now jsut a little bit i told him no matter what you may love you kids but the rest of the world doesnt i said every body that meets them thinks there little bastards and cant wait to get out! it seeemed to make him think any way harsh but true
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
NOPE! DREAD DREAD DREAD IT!
I used to try and be friends with them etc. but they've taken to BM's PAS like a duck to water. They are so spoiled, babied, coddled, demanding, rude, nasty, disgusting and selfish it's pathetic!
I loathe them to darken my doorstep!
lol! crayon ur on a roll 2day!
how old were yr kids when u started dating and how old are they now? i can really see my FSD being like that bc of BM...shes only 2 1/2 now but the way shes treated i know wont ever change.
I hear ys crayon
my FSS is so spoiled and coddled it's sickening. I get no privacy when he's here, he feels like he's entitled to enter our bedroom whenever he feels like it. I've told him numerous times to knock and doesn't bother to do it. BM has already started to fill his head with lies, that FH doesn't send her money to take care of him, and that's her excuse to why he doesn't get new clothes. I get tension headaches before he comes because I know it will always be like this.
I know for a fact if he came to live with us fulltime he wouldn't act like such a butthead!
The bedroom door thing
My SD was 8 when I married her father. She was incapable of knocking on a door. She would just walk into our bedroom, and sometimes I was changing clothes, getting dressed after a shower, etc. Then she went and told BM she saw me naked and BM jumped on husband about how SD should never see me naked. Hello, then teach the kid to knock!
SD is now 15 and STILL doesn't knock. One evening husband and I were in bed (just reading, fortunately) with door closed and SD just walked right in. I think she thought husband was alone, and he never makes her knock. Next day I am in my bedroom getting BDs 4 and 1 ready for bed (with door closed so BD1 can't go out and fall down the stairs). SD just walked right in, again without knocking.
So, the next morning husband and I are in our room with BDs 4 and 1 and SD walked in AGAIN without knocking. I said, "SD, you need to knock. I have told you that numerous times, but you keep coming in without knocking." She huffed off, and I got up and locked the bedroom door. She came back a few minutes later and knocked and husband told her to come in but she couldn't. She said, "I can't, SHE locked the door." I said, "Well, she needs to learn to knock."
Maybe that will get through her thick skull (although I doubt it).
That reminds me
My son did the same thing to me when he was a teenager. He walked in on me when I was changing my clothes. He saw wayyyyy more than he wanted to. He learned to knock after that although I had to send him for years of therapy and an eye doctor for his burning eyes.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
Our kids knock...
So I also knock on SD's door.
BUT...
Perhaps you could just walk into the bathroom or SD's bedroom unannounced and say, "Oh...I thought you wouldn't mind since you don't think it's necessary to knock on MY door."
OR....you could tell DH that if he doesn't see fit to fix this behavior, you simply won't be in the mood anymore. I never met a man who wasn't inspired to change at the prospect of getting lucky.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Would work if husband was logical
I always knock on SD's door, but she has never thought rules applied to her. So not sure she would get the hint unless I clubbed her over the head, and even then...
I tried the "won't be in the mood" tactic when I found out SD was eavesdropping on our private conversations in our bedroom. Didn't work, as he just blows me off.
I look forward to seeing my stepchildren...leaving!
The monster behind the door. BM has the youngest SK so freaked out when she is in our house. This kid has nose bleeds occasionally and one night she had one while everyone was asleep. She would not knock on our door if her life depended on it. In the morning there was blood everywhere! All over her bedding and the kids bathroom. I asked her why she didn't knock or call for us. She just started crying. I asked if she didn't because we keep the door closed. She said yes then I explained to her that we keep the door closed because if we didn't...everytime she walked down the hall she waould be forced to look at dads big hairy naked butt! Well, she laughed but still won't knock. I don't think there is much hope when PAS is involved.
you're on the right track
Keep the bedroom door locked until it becomes habit for her. Ignore the rude comments. She says them to get under your skin. Thank her for knocking when she does. Make sure you demonstrate a clear respect for her privacy as well. I know it sounds simple, but sometimes it's the simple things that work. visit my blog at parentingwithoutthestep.blogspot.com for more ideas!
Four years running now (almost will be end of JULY)
Skids are now SS11, SD9 and SS5. Youngest used to be friendly with me but right about the age that SD was when BF and I got together, the PAS has really sunk in! He now treats me like the older ones do "the invisible maid/2nd class citizen-slave" (But recently i've disengaged so it's better)
SD said unbelieveable "adult" things to me that could have only been parroted from the BM when she was about 6 yrs old!! She even threw rocks at me at a playground, and thank god, BF stepped in and scolded her for it. It was like that scene from "The Color Purple" when the main character met her "stepchildren" for the first time and they threw rocks at her!
Oldest denied me as his "stepmom" in front of friends when he was about 9 1/2. When one of his friends asked who i was at his school rollerskating party (which i dropped him off at and of course he was spending my $$$$ at said party) He denied that i was his mom, his stepmom, a relative and ended up saying angrily to friend "THAT'S JUST CRAYON!!!!"
We don't have a relationship b/c BM doesn't want HER children to have a relationship with me OR their father and has gone thru GREAT LENGTHS to see that this occurs! So basically I ignore them when they are at my house (and yes it is MY house) and they ignore me.
I feel your pain, crayon
I have been with DH over five years. Married almost 4. In the beginning the three girls absolutely LOVED me- they thought I was super cool (Hey, I am!)They were then 12, 11, and 8.
I tried to be everything for them, because their nut-job of a BM (who left their dad & shacked up with someone else) went 'off the deep end' and stopped doing everything for them. Her new motto became,
"Don't you want ME to be happy?"
Which gave her license to make them terribly unhappy.
In the beginning I thought, "Fine. She's a whacko. They like me. We'll make it work." Boy, was I wrong.
Once BM realized they liked me, she couldn't take it. Her jealousy was overwhelming. She didn't DO anything different to change her bad behavior, but she simply HATED me for being good to them. Filled their heads with horrible things about me. (I'm a Sunday School teacher for goodness sake- how awful could I possibly be????)
But, to my dismay and heartbreak... I came to find out that the brainwashing did it's job and they believed every last awful word that BM forced into their heads. I was devastated. I thought that if I just quietly did the right things, tried my best not to bad-mouth her in front of them (amazing that I still have my tongue!), set a good example for them, that would show them the good person I really was. WRONG.
So now, I have NO relationship with middle 16SD. A 'cautious' one with oldest 17SD (who's lived with us FT since April '07) and a 'cordial' one with the youngest 13SD.
But I will never try to get close to any of them again. Fool me once, shame one you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I just couldn't take the pain of getting hurt like that again.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
5teensathome
this is exactly what i fear will happen w my SD3...her BM is an awful person, has done so many things to us, like accusing us of abuse etc, and we know the brainwashing still continues (had evidence last visit). i try to be the best i can for her but i really feel like in my heart down the road it wont matter. plus, shes heavily coddled, spoiled and smothered by BM so im afraid even if she DOES form her own opinion of me, she wont want to hurt moms feelings...how can mothers do this to their kids???
Amazing, Isn't it, Bellacita?
I always said to my DH I just wish she would burn them with cigarette butts and get it over with, because the emotional and mental abuse she's causing them is far worse than physical abuse- and at least with physical abuse, it's easier to prove and get them out of the home! Isn't that horrible to say?
This crazy BM, too, smothers them on top of everything else. Doesn't give them a moment's peace when they're here. Calls the house 5 times a day (no exaggeration) and their cells just as much. She does the same thing when they're at friends' houses. She just won't leave them alone. And the crazy thing is...they've become so conditioned to it, they respond even MORE to her when she calls and acts crazier.
The more drama, the more they like it. It's a sick cycle.
I can't handle that. I like peace. I like serenity.
And you're right- with girls and their mothers- it doesn't matter what example you give- they will follow their mothers. Hell, in our case, it doesn't matter what example their own father sets for them- and he's the salt of the earth in terms of integrity and morals. They'd rather follow their BMs "less than virtuous" lifestyle.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
so true...
i actually just said that same thing to sita tara the other day...i posted a blog about being over coddled by BM and after her response i said in a way i almost wish she would hit her or something so we could take her away...obv i dont wish SD harm but i just think emotional abuse in the long run can be far more damaging...
its been drama central since i moved in...and this woman is crazy. she even bot herself a ring and told people FH proposed after she got pregnant! the thing that kills me is after what she did by lying to conceive, how their relationship was and all shes done to us since, she should be happy that my FH is the good dad that he is and wants to be an active responsible parent...but no, bc she hates us more than she loves her own kid.
its sick...
the one thing i have going is FH and i are on the same page...he doesnt parent by guilt and keeps her in line discipline wise and has promised to continue as she gets older and make sure im treated w respect. i hope it stays that way bc that will be our saving grace.
I remember your comment and I have been there myself
Instead SD's mentally ill BM sticks around JUST ENOUGH to screw up SD more and more. They won't see each other for a while, then they'll start calling and kissing up to each other, stroke each other's ego saying, "I love you I miss you I love you too I miss you too" a MILLION times. It's the main part of the conversation.
Mental abuse is just as damaging, maybe more so at times since the courts don't even want to go there.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
hmmmmm.....
I'm not so sure you have the right attitude here. It is a really rotten and unfortunate thing for the biomom the mess with their heads that way, but you cannot isolate yourself from them. Then how will things ever improve? Just like your quote says, sometimes, being hated just comes with the territory. But with time (and sometimes a lot of it!) it will pass if you do the best that you can to build a relationship with them. Just start with simple things like, "Hey, good to see you," "how was school?", and "just let me know if there's anything I can ever do to help you". Compliments and chit-chat which may seem like nothing to you mean so much to teenagers. No, they don't tell you that, because it's normally not their style! It's going to take a lot of effort, but I'm telling you, give it an honest try for 3 or 4 months, and you may just start to see some changes.
I had no idea I wasn't alone
OMG. I don't know where to begin. I so feel your pain it's scary. I'm so glad I found this site because I think my friends and family are getting tired of me venting to them.
I am SM of two. SD13 and SS10. I've been married to their BioF for over a year now and feel like we keep back pedaling with these kids. Initially my SS HATED me and SD didn't even acknowledge that I existed. My husband and I both agreed to ignore the bad behavior and keep reinforcing how much we loved them. We would occasionally catch glimpses of their wanting to let down their guard and then they would come up with these comments that were definitely NOT coming from them! There is no way a 10 year old would come up with words like "sole custody". Their BM has been sabotaging our relationship and has been destroying the psyche's of her OWN kids. What kind of sadistic person would deliberately mind$&@* her OWN children?! I do not understand this mentality...at all!
I have laid down the olive branch to her several times. There were a couple times when I thought that she might even let me in and realize that I'm NOT a threat and that I would help her in any way that I can. But as any bi-polar person does...the next week she totally freaks out and swears at me on the phone (right in front of the kids to where I had to tell her that I needed to hang up the phone for the sake of the kids). This woman is CRAZY. She has never allowed me to introduce myself. She literally RAN into her house as we drove into the drive. She makes no sense 99% of the time. Her emails are completely senseless her accusations are baseless and she is the biggest hypocrite I've ever known. She sent a letter from her attorney telling us that we were not allowed to leave the kids alone together for any length of time (there was ONE time we left them alone together in the morning for four hours while we were both at work) because, according to her, in case of a medical emergency (my SD is diabetic) my SS would not be able to handle it. The irony is that she had SD go and get her BABYSITTING CERTIFICATE!!! She (SD) has been babysitting infants on up for months!!! OMG! what is wrong with her?! This is just ONE example of MANY! This woman is toxic and I fear that the kids will grow up with serious psychological consequences.
And, to make matters worse, our friend who is the father of two kids which have been friends for five years of SS and SD is also going through a divorce. Their mother is also mentally unstable. And now their mother and BM are hanging out together. I don't even want to think about the things they are telling these kids about their father as well as me and my husband because since they started hanging out the skids have been treating me even worse! The disrespect my skids show me is horrible and I don't know what to do?!!!
OMG X2
Same situation here with the BM except.... Heres the kicker she is hanging out with my ex's girlfriend! SD loves me and I love her though. I have been in her life since she was just over one. I don't think I would ever be able to deal with coming into an older child's life. (They have been PROGRAMMEd already). Sad but true. I know in CA parents can be court ordered not to talk about the other parent in front of children. Check out local court rules.
OMG, you have read my mind,
OMG, you have read my mind, that is precisely how I feel.
I get so worked up with dread and do anything to delay going home when they are there. I feel like a stranger in my own home and can't relax or feel good about myself until they are gone. Thank goodness it's only every other weekend... I can't wait till the day that they are old enough to decide not to come at all.
My step-son walked in
My step-son walked in without knocking once (well, several times, but this was the last), and thankfully, I heard him early enough to throw a robe over myself. I said, "SS10, unless you really want to chance seeing me naked and facing my wrath when you do, you had better ALWAYS knock before entering this room and wait until someone says, "come in" or opens the door for you. Hasn't been a problem since.
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