Step Talk

F*** the yard. You clean the house, you drive the kids everywhere, someone else can clean the yard. I wouldn't touch it. I would rather walk through a jungle with grass up to my eyeballs than touch that yard after what you've been dealing with. You clean the house, the kids can be responsible for the yard & if they dont' touch it then it doesn't get done. Period.

But that's just me & I'm in a feisty mood today.

Cajun Lady

I know that you're right- but it seems to me that kind of way of dealing with it would only work in a normal family.
I want him to see me doing it by myself, which is without a doubt what will happen, because I want him to wonder who will do these things when I'm gone, and I want to ask him- "Who will help you when I'm gone, no one else helps you, I don't want you to be alone...."

He'll realize his mistake, but it won't make me stay, because I know that the kids will never go away or change.

I just want him to know that I deserved more respect.

He said to me that I've been upset a lot, and that I've had the right to be...I want to have and finish that conversation.

It works in my family & we're nowhere near normal! HAHAHA!!!

But seriously, he doesn't believe you deserve respect because he respects people who treat others like crap. He sees your kindness as weakness. There is no logic there. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it's the truth & I've had my own experience to confirm this.

Cajun Lady

Dont be a martyr Chava.. I would tell him he can hire someone or get his lazy good for nothing kids to do the work.. but no.. You are not the hired hand, and the work you do inside the house goes unappreciated so until someone starts appreciating that, you will NOT be lifting a finger in that yard other than to put sunscreen on yourself whilest lying in a chair reading a book.

I always forget that.

I told my friend about this cycle we've been in since I've moved in-
with things being not right, but whenever I complain too much, it goes to him saying "i'm sick of you" "i don't know what's going to happen between us" "this relationship isn't working" "i don't know where i'll be next year" "i want you out" etc....until I cry for a couple days, get really worried, and then go back to acting like he wants me to, which is to do everything for everyone and pretend it's ok
she said "that asshole"

I would tell him, OK, I'll HELP with the yard work. Key word is HELP. I would tell him that if his kids somehow find a way to get out of it, I'm not doing it all by myself. It just won't get done until they help me do it.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

OH, and just so you know, the yardwork isn't the only thing-
he wants me to do the housecleaning on friday so it's done, leaving me time to work in the yard....

so I get to wake up really early to get SS up for school, go to a meeting with my son's teacher at 7:35 am, observe my son in class for awhile, somehow go to a voice lesson, and drive my son to meet his dad an hour and a half away, and clean the whole house by myself....as well as making sure to prepare some kind of friday night dinner...

and of course there's no reason to even think about going away now...

there's no time OR money, and I'll be putting mulch in the yard of the house that I was told H wants me out of

Life is great

Since you are aware that the family dynamics are not at all normal, why do you keep thinking DH will react like a NORMAL husband would when he sees you doing all the work alone? Yes, a normal man might think to himself, "I can't let her go--she is the only good and decent person in my life. The only one who actually works. The only one who gives a crap about the skids in a healthy way. The only one SD trusts when she is putting herself in bad situations." But there is no normality in this family--he will react like your DH typically reacts: He will be thrilled that his recent bullying and threats to turn you out have worked again and here you are being his cook, maid, nanny, and yardboy, just like always. Don't imagine that he will have an epiphany about how disrespectful he and the skids have been, and how much they take advantage of you. You have done 90% of the work for going on two years, and no one has realized it yet; why would they notice now?
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.

I dont think its a slave colony.. I think she is an indentured servant.

Please Chava, dont be a slave this weekend. if no one else is working on the house that they are continually reminding you is not yours.. then dont do anything.

I am sure he is already looking to replace his faithful, unpaid household servant w/the next trusting, caring woman he can manipulate and deceive.

A slave colony would imply that there was more than one.. In this case its just Chava.. so that is why I think Indentured Slave is more fitting.

I think sometimes he wants to go back to living alone with his kids, and seeing me at his convenience, like he did before

THAT isnt acceptable anymore either. His treatment of you is just NOT acceptable. At some point, even a puppy that is repeatedly kicked would stop seeking out the attention of the person kicking them.

Dont be that person anymore Chava. You are worth WAY more than that. You are not his slave, servant, maid or mistress.. Out there somewhere is someone who will love you for all that you offer, and it will be unconditionally. However.. You wont find this special someone if you are tied to your DH in anyway and cant see your worth for yourself.

I dont care if you have to LIE this weekend.. dont do the work. Tell them your back hurts, or that you have a migrain.. or better yet. when you drop off your son at his dad's.. go to a hotel room and stay there for the weekend. your dh goes away enough, time you do the same. let the 3 little piggies fend for themselves

i've thought that myself- i've told him that, too
He goes away on business- it's business and work, but he still gets to go to nice dinners, be in a nice hotel. He has from 1-4 nights free from the kids and the noise/mess every single week.

Their mother gets every night free from all that.
SD and SS get to go to friends, on vacations, etc...
Until I stayed at a hotel recently, I was the only person in the house who had not gone ANYWHERE since August when we were in Israel. And even when we were there, H offered for both SS and SD to come with us, but they declined(thank G-d)

I do dream about being with someone who loves me unconditionally- and who is kind of like "If I go somewhere, you'll be with me"
and no more of this "I don't know what's going to happen"

I don't want to stay forever with someone who only cares what I do for him and is full of threats when I get upset about it or even ask why....and I really do want to end up in a normal relationship.

It's just that I'm really sincerely afraid that even if I find someone who loves me that way, what if I don't love him?

What if I never feel in love with anyone else and have to be alone because of it?

You will fall in love again. You just need to get out of this situation and get your head clear.. kind of like you have Stockholm Syndrome (where hostages relate to their captors after awhile)

You will fall in love, but you need to be available.. both emotionally and physically.. and that isnt going to happen by being at that horrible house, nor by seeing DH after you are moved out.

Heck, get 2. They love unconditionally & even though they require maintenence they at least protect you. And if they do something you don't like you can shoot them with a water gun. End of problem.

And no needless drama.

Cajun Lady

feel like my little (well not so little ) baby boy boxer is the only thing that cares about me sometimes he cuddles me all days tries to kiss me all day. runs around liek a nut when i come home from work and gets all sad when im at work and sleeps by the front door until i get home its mad if im even twenty mins late hes pacing about ! its so cute

any way chava you know i wish you the best of luck and ill be here to support you when the times comes cos no matter what any bodys says on here you will not leave this man until YOU are ready to leave this man and just like me you know its comeing and are distanceing yourself from him emotionally. brace yourself it will be a rocky ride !

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

and one thing I want to ask you Chava is when are you going to move out and get on with your life and quit worrying about these people that give you nothing? What is the attraction that still holds you there? Why are you still at your H's house? Why haven't you taken your son and left yet? I understand that you are hurting but you have to put your son first and get him out of that crazy atmosphere. You sound like a wonderful, caring woman and trust me you will find someone amazing out there that will appreciate you and love you and your son - he is out there. I know it is hard when everything has gone to crap - I have been there - and you don't ever feel like you will find someone again but trust me you will. You will look back at this years later (probably just a fleeting thought that zips by in your head ) and laugh about all the crap you went through and wonder what the heck was I thinking! PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. Good luck!

Ema,

she is waiting to get into Student Housing for the upcoming school year. I think that is what the hold up is. She cant afford to leave right now and she cant afford NOT to leave now.. its a catch22.

I somehow missed that part - that is horrible. My best friend is in the same situation - just when she was ready to leave she got laid off from her job and is stuck as well - can't get a place with no job.