All this is old news.. but I've never told anybody and it's probably not even interesting to you. But I've always wanted to get it off my chest and I want opinions on if I'm a controlling nutjob bitch or not.
Here goes.
9 1/2 years ago (Waaay before I ever met my now husband) DH went to prison 2 weeks after his son was born. BM got pregnant by another man when their son was 6 months old.
Of course, DH was devastated, heartbroken.. yadda yadda. 5 years ago (About a year and a half after he got out) is when I met him.
He told me a little about his BM. How he hated her, doesn't speak to her at all and would never be with her again in a million years.
Of course I didn't question it. It made sense. After we were together for about 9 months, guess who shows back up in the picture? You guessed it.
He up and left me without a second thought.
It lasted a couple days. Then he was back to me. I forgave him because it was clear that he realized he didn't really want her, and had just needed to figure out how he felt about the woman who broke his heart.
After about a month of us being back together, guess who called him begging him back? Yep. Same story. But this time it was ON Valentine's day.
Same story over and over and over and over for 7 months. Literally a week with her, a week with me. He'd break up with me.. sleep with her for a few days and be back to me. And of course I was so manipulated I just thought, 'well it's not technically cheating' and I just took it. (I was only 20 and didn't have much of a backbone and I was hopelessly, pathetically in love with this man. I am NOTHING like this anymore.) He'd tell me how stupid he was.. how he loves me so much more than her.. bs blah bs. One time when I was trying to beg him back, he told me, 'if I could be with anyone in the world, I would be with her." Which of course he took back a week later, claiming that he was just trying to hurt me.
Another time I looked in his phone and saw him telling her "I will wait for you forever cause I love you sosososo much."
That was when I FINALLY told him EFF you. I'm better than this. I'm done sitting on the back burner for your cheating bitchass.
I guess this was what it took. One of us to finally decide that it's all or nothing. Then he completely changed. He stopped with the BS. Stayed with me and stopped talking to her unless it was about her son.
I treated him like absolute shit for the next year. I'm talking, like, kicked him out him every single day. Told him how much I hated him... How I would NEVER forgive him. How I would never look at him the same or love him ever again. But he never left. He promised me that he would do anything to prove his love for me.
When he proposed to me, I said yes. With NO intention of actually going through with it. I planned to leave him at the altar. I wanted to be the one who broke his heart. I needed him to pay for what he did.
Somehow (I can't even comprehend how) we made it. I guess because I saw that he was going nowhere. I would break up with him just to PROVE that he was about to run back to BM. But he never did. Ever. I finally believed him, trusted him. He changed his number and cut off every bit of contact with her.
We got married, had two kids. He is absolutely nothing like the way he was. He is the most trustworthy person I know. I never worry about what he's doing, who he's talking to. We have an extremely close relationship and he is amazing to our kids. I love him more than anything. He never talks about BM, never says her name. Doesn't have any interest in what she's doing. He even saw her at the grocery store just the other day, and didn't look at her or speak to her.
I'm over it. We've been married three years now. I am friends with BM now. (I recently started dealing with her again. I have no bad feelings towards her anymore.)
But. I can't help but wonder if he chose me because he couldn't make it work with her. And not because he loved me more. Which brings me to my psycho bitch mode.
SS9 will never have DH's phone number. He has mine. DH can't even be facebook friends with his own son because I don't want the mother and father titles on there looking like they are a big happy family. I don't want him to see pictures of her. I freak out if he knows anything about her life. ("How the hell do you know that?!" etc) When my SS even mentions her, I just want to smack him. When I found out she moved 2 minutes away from us, I flipped the eff out and wanted to sell our house. It's like, I just.. I do trust him. But I can't help but wonder if she will just always bring out the scumbag in him? Or if he was just young (25) and thought it was fun playing two girls until he got called out.
What are your thoughts? I don't feel like I need to let him have contact with her. But sometimes I feel like I should just so I can get completely over it. And then I get anxiety cause I worry he'll do the same ish. Gah!! BMs suck!!
I think what you feel is
I think what you feel is perfectly natural. I could never go through what you did and stay with a man. Cheating is a deal breaker with me at this stage in my life. Lose my trust, chances are you
may never be able to get it back.
Considering how often he bounced back and forth, and finally settled down with you, and it wasn't because HE made a decision between you, but YOU giving a final ultimatum and he followed through, I'd say that he chose you because You are way better for him than his ex and he loves you and put
her dead ass to bed and in the past.
And, I think that you requiring him to have zero contact with her social networking wise or phone wise is fair. After all, his history shows he has contact with her, he's bound to go be with her then come crawling home. Why tempt fate at this point.
If he's got to do that to prove you can trust him, that's the bed he made for himself. Not you being overly controlling. You set the terms and he agreed to them.
******
My IPOD says you are full of bullshit!
I am shocked that your
I am shocked that your husband goes along with your demands regarding his son. It would be a cold day in hell before my spouse told me my son was not allowed to have my phone number or be my friend on facebook. Get real. Whatever your insecurity is, don't take it out on the kid.
Keep calm and carry on...
I agree with SanAntonio, why
I agree with SanAntonio, why should the child be punished for his parents infidelities? He didn't do anything wrong. You need to figure out how to get passed your anxiety when it comes to BM and DH, counceling would be a good start.
*~SpOoKs*~
He kept running back to BM
He kept running back to BM and saying her loved her because he did.
BM may have ended things for good around the same time you reached your boiling point. Men like that don't just stop cold turkey.
You can't punish the child because you're afraid of what your husband may do.
You and BM allowed this guy to hop from bed to bed as if it were a game. Now that game is over, you're stuck with a man you don't trust.
No one said he had to be
No one said he had to be FRIENDS with BM but restricting him access to his son is a bit ridiculous just because her insecurities with DH and BM. It is not the child's fault or his problem for that matter, why is he being put out because of it? He shouldn't be, plain and simple!
*~SpOoKs*~
Deep down inside you know you
Deep down inside you know you are psycho bitch mode because you know you can't trust him. You want so badly for this to work and be something it is not.
Do honestly believe she brings out the scumbag in him? What will happen when he works with or somehow meets another woman who brings out the scumbag?
He is what he is, I fear you have some powerful pain headed your way.
Oh, and stop punishing the child because of his father. He should have his father's number and he should be able to be friends with him on FB. This is your issue and you're making it a child's problem.
Try to ignore the posters
Try to ignore the posters that are being so harsh.
Lots of parents are not FB friends with their kids (and at 9, the skid shouldn't even have an account). No judge would call that restricting access to the skid.
And about the telephone number - Real life example: My parents were teachers, so not only did they leave the home every day for work, but they were not reachable by phone during the day. Cell phones didn't exist. I survived not being able to call them directly at my whim at age 9 and I hope most kids would even in today's day and age.
However, I do think that these strong feelings of guilt and insecurity are affecting your ability to see things clearly. Read, go to counselling, do something so that your confidence in YOURSELF is rebuilt. If your husband does end up cheating again, you will need your confidence, your wits and your strength of character to make good choices for you and your children. And when you get right down to it, no marriage is ever secure, people change, so you need that self-confidence even if your husband didn't have his particular history. Plus, you deserve to relax and enjoy the good times rather than borrowing trouble!
IMHO, of course.
I think you will be amazed at
I think you will be amazed at what tools and insight a good counselor can give you. A good counselor will have you out the front door within 2 months of weekly sessions and probably will involve your husband along the way.
In the first session tell the counselor you've saved enough money for 8 sessions and can s/he give you the help you need in that amount of time. If not move to another one and if you haven't gotten well along in your 'healing' within 4 sessions start over with another family counselor as the current one is probably stringing you along for the money.
Make sure you counselor is accreditted with a bonified association as anyone can hang a shingle out. Some "associations" are nothing more than paper mills - send money - get "credential". So do online research before paying - ask your potential counselor for their references - a bonified one will be eager to give you theirs.