Hello,
I am a mother of three amazing children. I have 2 daughters with my husband of 11 years, and a 14 y/o son from a past relationship.
I am at my wits end with how my husband treats my son. I have made numerous attempts at expressing how I feel, and how his behavior makes my son feel, and it doesn't seem to register with him. He makes very little effort to talk to him unless it's to give him crap for something, however small, and to request that he do something.He says nothing kind, uplifting or positive, doesn't smile or laugh at his quirky jokes- he is stone cold when it comes to my son. He says "I can't help that there is not connection, he is not my kid" but I feel this is BS. People adopt children and can treat them like there own flesh and blood and love them no differently. It is an excuse in my mind.
Just last night I had 'the talk' with him again, because I noticed everything that came out of his mouth toward my son that evening was all negative, cold and uncaring. He minimizes and deflects it, saying "he's not nice to me either" type of excuses. He acts like he has no idea how he behaves toward him that I find so offensive. I said "you could have asked him about his plans for his visit to his uncles" (he is away for 3 weeks to visit family from his Bio Dads side of the family) and he said "because I am not interested"...I found this so hurtful. This is just a small glimpse of the kind of stuff I have to deal with. I am caught between them, and I feel like if I have to choose between my sons mental and emotional well-being and my husband, there is no contest; however I have 2 other children to consider. We have been to counselling, (wasn't much help) and I have read up on the subject to find out what I can do to change the situation. Some improvements have been made, but not enough for me to feel satisfied and at ease. It has gotten to the point where I dread my son being home, because I know what I am in for. This is not healthy, and I hate the atmosphere in my home when my son and H are both home...mostly because of how my H is around my son. I need some different perspectives or advice..maybe I am missing something or haven't tried everything. At this point though, it feels like it has to come from my H- there is nothing more I can do. I can't change him, he has to want to change. I don't know what else to do.
I disagree with bc1983. Your
I disagree with bc1983. Your husband is an adult and can fake it if necessary.
Get family counseling. Go alone if you have to and hopefully try to lure him in as you go along. Within 8 weekly sessions you should have the tools you need to at least make the boy feel better and likely he'll be called in also so start this after he returns. If husband asks about your sessions or why you're going tell him its about how to save the marriage. This may prompt him to attend just to defend or keep the marriage intact.
If he starts attending the sessions later on stretch the 8 sessions out so he can get straightened out. If after 4 sessions you're not getting the information you need switch counselors.
actually, surprisingly I
actually, surprisingly I agree with OCG to a certain degree....Sometimes attempting and trying (call it faking if you like) can help you to get there...When my SD runs up to me and cuddles me I tell her I love her, even though in that moment I may feel warm and fuzzy , but still not what I feel for my own kids.But I learned to accept it and the more times it happens the more genuinly it feels and lthe less I compare with the "big love".Sometimes, being a stepmom is like loving a little or even liking -no matter if that only happens on good days and if it is not as huge as to the own kids.It's still good.There is a saying:Fake it until you make it"!!
We are all in this together.....
This is a hard one....I would
This is a hard one....I would be heartbroken, too , if I were you, but maybe try to lower your expectation for your husband a bit.Here are a lot of stepmothers like me , who struggle with the feelings that we have or don't have for the stepchildren.What I try to do is to look at every situation in a separate way and ask myself questions if I feel like this because of me and my feelings OR because of the circumstances.
Ask yourself if you feel sad or frustrated with your husband if it comes from your disappointment that he doesn't seem to love your son as much as your daughters(Not a lot you can do) OR if he is really unfair or even mean to him (This is not acceptable and you need to talk to him about it then).
I feel sorry for your son a bit , but stepfamilies are never like a core family where the parents equally love their kids.You can be the best parent you can be and make sure you spend time with your son.
Maybe the whole thing does matter more to you than to him.Is his dad in the picture at all?x
We are all in this together.....
"once" yes his father is in
"once" yes his father is in the picture, he sees him 3-4 nights/week.
yeah, agreed,but being really
yeah, agreed,but being really unkind or totally cold is also not acceptable or nice, I find.You don't have to love to be kind and reasonable friendly to the kid.
We are all in this together.....
So, if it's not people
So, if it's not people injecting their own imagination into what was written, it has to be people ignoring what was written?
As long as he is being civil and reasonably polite to him you really can't demand more.
You totally need to change YOUR expectations as they are not reasonable at all.
You need to read her post again and actually look at the words this time.
Sue Thanks for your input and
Sue Thanks for your input and I couldn't agree more!!...I have been of forums before, and have forgotten how unsavory people can be when they are not speaking to a real person face-to-face. I only consider the thoughtful relevant advice given anyways! I have no time for negativity, I am trying to find a solution!
Can you tell me what is
Can you tell me what is "unreasonable" of me to expect he be kind to my son? I look at it as a choice. He treats him in ways he wouldn't treat a co-worker or a stranger on the street. That is a cop out to say "not his problem"! He married me, and YES how he treats my son IS definitely his problem. We are all responsible for our own behaviors and how we treat others. Family IS family, blood or not. Kindness does not require sharing the same blood.
Why is it better for the
Why is it better for the husband to fake it than the kid to learn how to show respect to an adult that provides for him?
Because the woman didn't say anything about her son being disrespectful to her husband. She doesn't expect to have to answer to anyone's imagination. Maybe she will come back and say something like that, but her post didn't say anthing of the sort.
Momof31997, I hate that your son has been tortured like this all these years. Unfortunately, you have and still do think more of yourself than your son's feelings. You keep talking about how you feel and the affect both of them being home has on you. You also are the one who placed your son in this situation from the beginning. This continues to be incredibly unfair to him.
Since you want to be with your husband and have been for 11 years, the only thing I can think to suggest is telling your husband not to say anything to your son. Nothing at all. Since he cannot be nice about anything and only finds fault and commands to throw at him, then he should not be allowed to speak to the boy. And, should it come to that, you should be perfectly willing to leave that cruel man to protect your son. At this point, your son probably hates you for making him live this way. He would never admit it, but in his mind he is seething. I sure would be, but I wouldn't keep quiet about it, not even at his age. This kind of treatment is demeaning and destroys children's souls. He feels worthless, and you have promoted it for long enough.
Despite your impressive
Despite your impressive skills to cut, copy, and paste, your response was still based on your imagination. She said nothing about the boy being disrespectful, and lack of respect was not the husband's complaint either.
bc1983: My son is your
bc1983: My son is your average moody teen. He does not mouth him off or curse him out, he does tend to ignore requests made of him by my H at times,but what kid does not do that? I follow up with him in those instances and make him follow through...but I truly believe he is a typical teen doing teen stuff. I do not tolerate him disrespecting my H, but I also see that my H has disrespected my son for all of these years in the way he treats him, and ignores him, and at times has been verbally and emotionally abusive to him.My son is deeply hurt by this and has tried to tell me through his sobbing on many occasions, how much he can't stand my H and how he treats him. No matter how much a child shows disrespectful behavior- it does not give ANY adult the right to be abuse a child mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally. It's just that simple. We are the adults here- we need to act like adults and be responsible for our own behavior.
You seem to have everything
You seem to have everything clear. What is your question? Just re-read your own post and you'll know what needs to be done. Your son hates him and resents you because he's too young to have any power of decision. You're his mum. You have power of decision for him, and you decided to make him live like this. One day he will leave and won't want to be reminded of his childhood. That's what I did. You are betraying him and not protecting him. This is hard, but this is how he sees things. After reading your post, I honestly can't see what doubts you have that the whole thing is wrong... help him.
The child has lived with this
The child has lived with this childish man for 11 years. IF the OP's son is acting like an ass, he learned it from his SF.
Karma is an awful thing.
DF's crazy ex wife treated his oldest two kids like shit. She thought DF would never divorce her. Now her kids are the SKs. One of her biggest fears is that I will treat SDs 7 and 5 the way she treated SD15 and SS21.
If the OP's husband isn't careful, he may be sitting next to DF's crazy ex on the Karma Bus.
Behavior is largely learned.
Behavior is largely learned.
She never said her son was
She never said her son was disrespecting her husband.
newwife3: I sense you must be
newwife3: I sense you must be a step mom who may not be happy in your role. To be as harsh as you are, you can't have a positive take on the whole step mommy thing. When you agree to join a partner with a child - you are agreeing to the whole package deal! Plain and simple. You are the adult, so must set the example for the children by behaving like one. Just sayin'. This makes me so mad to see so may step parents justify their poor treatment of children because "they are not their problem"...sad I must say.
Evenstar- no I am not a
Evenstar- no I am not a stepmother. My H is my son's stepfather.
Newwife3's SS is in his
Newwife3's SS is in his twenties. Hardly a child, wouldn't you say? Nice try, though.
"The witch in Hansel and Gretel - she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Miranda, Sex and the City
Misleading to portray part of
Misleading to portray part of the picture twopines.
Newwife's SS was already an adult when she met and married her husband. Newwife has stated several times that her husband had already dealt with his son's addictions and put him out. She was not involved in raising her husband's children at all, ever. Her SS has never even been a mild threat to live in her home.
Quite, quite different from living with a 14yo boy from age 3, not to mention that newwife has no children of her own.
All stated numerous times.
Try harder twopines. Present a fair, clear accurate picture instead of snipping in one bit of very misleading information.
You must have me confused
You must have me confused with someone who doesn't see through your line of horse pucky.
*wink*
"The witch in Hansel and Gretel - she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Miranda, Sex and the City
@ newwife I see no reason for
@ newwife I see no reason for you to be so offensive toward me; I am a Professional psychotherapist, and I sense you have some repressed anger issues based on your communication style and desire to attack a stranger on a public forum, whom you know so little about.
I came on here to get constructive feedback and hear others experiences- not hostility and aggression.
I will clarify: I was with my sons father for 7 years actually- it was not a case of "dropping my panties with a loser" we did not work out. Secondly, his Bio Dad IS in the picture 3-4 days per week, so I am NOT looking to replace his Bio Dad whatsoever. I do however feel that when you marry someone who has a child you are making a commitment to honor both. You love the man/woman enough to marry,then you need to respect and honor the child that is a part of them. Simple. You make choices in life, and it IS a choice to marry someone with a child from a previous relationship. However you want to look at it, we are a family unit, despite the fact my H is not my sons father. He can still be a positive presence and role model for him and not treat him as if he doesn't exist.
Yeah, this is really
Yeah, this is really frustrating to read because she did not say her son was disrespectful. Just because SF used the SS's behavior as an excuse doesn't mean there is any truth to it.
I have been in the situation where there is just nothing to say, or you don't care, or just hearing the skid talk is irritating. I'd bet most sm's on here have been there. I don't think your expectations are unreal. You want him to engage in conversation and be friendly. I know this sounds weird, but try having him engage in role play with you being your son. He can ask you different questions (even if he doesn't care) and see how he would respond if ss (you) answered. You can try having a few different conversations about things that pertain to ss. Or he can get a joke book and ask him jokes or riddles. They just need something to get the ball rolling and get them talking. Dh may soon realize that 5 mins out of his day having these short conversations with ss is not that draining or daunting a task. If it is, then I feel sorry for your son. It may be too late, but your son should know that this is NOT his fault or because something is wrong with him.
Momo, as much as I feel for
Momo, as much as I feel for your son, especially as it is also a difficult age, I still think that the whole 'package deal" idea is not always what works in step families, since the expectations it brings along with it are normally too high.
I know that some of the posters expressed themselves a bit harsh, but I think that it is nevertheless a good thing to think about if your expectations to your hubby could be a bit high. I just knew that this was a bit my situation- when me and SO were dating first, I admit that I wasn't very fond of SD since she was so spoiled and princessed.SO is so wonderful though and not only he changed a lot around for us to blend better, but also did take a lot of pressure of me not to expect too much of me and my feelings (and I did the same for him with my kids)This really helped me finding my own pace in liking SD , sometimes even a bit more, sometimes less, which is really nice.
But in saying this, although I struggled I always tried to work on having a rs with SD and I believe your husband could do the same, eg taking him to a movie or sth similar.Even trying to give him 5 minutes of attention every day can be a total turnaround.Every little gesture or try can improve things in your family.
I am just worried that he may feels too pressured to have to love him that he doesn't want to do antything like that.
Teenagers can be difficult, you can't expect them to be perfect (yay, I have two:)), but I think a chat with your son can't harm...maybe he was a bit too defensive or silly lately as well.
I would recommend to indulge in all available stepfamily education you can get, eg "Stepmonster"
Let us know how you go!x
We are all in this together.....
I have not read all the
I have not read all the responses here. But I'm putting my two cents in anyway.
You cannot force anyone to love someone. I have been in my SD's life for 8 years, I do nto love her, and would not miss her if I never saw her again. Hard and hurtful, yes. Something I tell SD, no. It would add nothign to it and only hurt what little relationship we have. I am not interested in her life, I find it is more disappointing then anything. I learned long ago not to expect much form her. Again hard and hurtful, again nothing I have told her.
As for your DH. Respect is very much a two way street. I am not a huge fan of disengaging. I think it is very justified in some cases, but in others as mine it was more destructive then helpful. Things turned very negative, and became all most unbarable. I bleive that is because I have other children in the home. So DH and I sat down and came to an agreement. Things did improve, but still not love. But the way SD treats me is better. So I think you need to come up with a two way street concept. Sometime the adult needs to take the high road. I'm the first to admit that I have not always traveled that way, but you have to try.
- The grass is always green on the other side of the fence, but someone’s dog is pooping there too.
- Some baggage should be taken out and left on the curb with the rest of the trash.
Also the adoption thing.
Also the adoption thing. Some people do adopt and love those kids like theirs, yes. The catch - they choose those kids, they sought them out and went through the battle to get them, planed, prayed, paid, etc. When we marry spouses with kids the kid is not what we sought out. They came with yes, but were not what we prayed for, planned for, they were not the goal. Love was the goal. My DH and I have been happily married for many years now, we are in love still. But rememmber I still do not love my SD. We were looking for love. If I was seeking him out becuase of I wanted a relationship with a child and didn't care who I married that would creepy.
- The grass is always green on the other side of the fence, but someone’s dog is pooping there too.
- Some baggage should be taken out and left on the curb with the rest of the trash.
i to am in a situation where
i to am in a situation where my husband and my bio son do not get along or have any kind of relationship. I seem to be stuck in the middle, grappling with the whos right, whos wrong " scenario. I am sick and at the end of my rope. My sons biological father died in a car accident 2 years ago and although he was an alcoholic and not very responsible person, my son longs for that relationship, and he does not get it from his step father. My son is 18 and did not have contact with his real dad for 5 years prior to his death, and when he was ready he wasn't there. His step father has never really been a father as his expectations from my son were never met therefore he gave up trying to be his father. I feel bad for my son not having a father figure in his life and having a mother who is afraid to upset the boat with either of them. i am surprised to find this site and also not sure what to say, the whole situation makes me want to run away from them. when my H is upset with my son he tells me to deal with it, but i don't get upset over the same things as him and my son knows where it comes from, i have told him to talk to my S himself, but he wont therefore i am the messenger and i hate it with a passion. I guess i just need to vent and so far i have just started to steam a bit. i am scared for myself and my son as my marriage has taken away my mothering instincts and desires therefore my son will not even talk to me anymore, i have no idea what he does or likes or who his friends are...i am totally messed up over the whole thing and not sure what to do, i want my son to be happy, i want to be happy, but it isn't in sight...........
I think the whole situation
I think the whole situation just drove you to shut down honey. I wouldn't blame it all on your marriage.
I never suggest this, but have you considered disengaging from both of them and their fighting? It's tough to love two men that don't like each other and put you in the middle.
Your son is 18 and therefore a man. Your husband is a man too. And it seems like what they are doing with you is tweeting in your ear about each other and then expecting you to take their side in it and/or tell each other things. SIGH.
I would say that you have two teenage girls on your hands momma!
Seriously though, maybe if you just say, nope. absolutely im done with this you two. I love both of you and I'm just fed up with how both of you are behaving. I don't care who did what, what did who, all I care about is for you to stop riding the crazy train. Grow up, both of you. Seriously, there's no reason why you both have to keep chest bumping each other OVER ME.
Yes. Over you mom. I think what you have is two males circling you, marking territory. Your son lost one parent, and didn't have much of a relationship with him before he died. You are all he has. So here's your husband. Competition. And men have this sixth sense about each other, like they send signals.
I do not lie. When I met my husband, I was so OVER men that nope, didn't bother with them. I had a platonic bro, who hated women. Oh, we were tight. And when I started dating DH, my friend told me that he wanted to focus on being friends with DH because he was getting some signals from him and didn't want to cause problems. He was our best man/man of honor at our wedding. Men are just weird like that.
So, what I'm suggesting here mom, is switch this up. Pull the rug out from under both of them and be the alpha female here. Tell both of them look, I love the both of you. My love for you husband is different. My love for you son is different. And neither love cancels the other out. So, can we just stop doing this. Y'all don't have to love each other, you don't have to even like each other. But because we all have one thing in common, loving me, then if you love me you should be able to treat each other decently and with respect. No more sniping. No more tattling on each other. No more rudeness to each other, and no more dragging me into your manly disfunction.
Maybe that might work. I don't know, its just an idea.
*****
On a lighter note, I don't EVER want another MAN (except some of my favs here coz Rags rocks!) to say that women are complicated! OMG! Men have so many little dramas going on, that my head spins sometimes. SIGH.
******
My IPOD says you are full of bullshit!
OP, did your husband know you
OP, did your husband know you were a "package deal BM" before you got married?
How did he treat your son before the marriage?
Hi Disney: Yes my H knew full
Hi Disney: Yes my H knew full well I had a son when we met.We took things slow, I didn't have him around my son for the first while as I was getting to know him. My son was 3 at the time, and thought my H (back then) hung the moon. My H was quite fond of him as well, so I thought- wow! this is great! Then when we were expecting our first baby together things went off the rails- and I have been riding the "crazy train" as another poster put it perfectly, ever since. Now my son is 14, and can't tolerate being treated like shit by my H. I have gotten to a point where I can 't anymore either. Things have to change...
I am a "package deal" BM and
I am a "package deal" BM and any guy iv ever dated longer than a year understands that. I'm not expecting them to shovel out money and unnecessary time and resources to make my kid comfortable. No, that is my job--but what I won't tolerate is unnecessary meanness, demeaning remarks, smart snide comments, nasty undertones and just all around ugly behavior. THAT is not asking too much, that is below bare minimum. I would expect every single poster on this board expects to be treated with basic human kindness. Even if you don't give a shit asking a boy how his day was is NOT going to kill him. It sounds to me like this guy goes out of his way to be nasty and disrespectful to ss just because he can. Wouldn't fly in my house. I am not one of those people that believes that my marriage is the foundation of my stability. I can love you and realize you are not good for me. Iv ended relationships before because I saw they weren't what was best for all parties involved. Perhaps a trial separation should be considerd, a heart to heart no nonsense conversation about the emotional damage he could potentially be causing by wearing such an ugly attitude every time ss is in his presence. I am a team player kind of lady and if all hands aren't on deck then you must be dead weight and I will cut you loose.
The freedom, the strength, the will to do as I damn well please.