Step Talk

your child SHOULD has his/her own room bc he/she will be living there everyday...while it would be nice for the stepkids to have their own rms, its not possible so they should share...they are there 24 nites a yr! georgia was rite when she said why should stepkids have 2 of their own bedrms when some biokids wont even have one? i completely agree w u here...stand up to him and if he doesnt agree, maybe u should rethink having kids w him

What if you kind of compromised so to speak.

Lets just say you have a baby boy...you decorate a baby boy room and all baby things and put a twin bed in there..ONLY THE BED in there and get a matching twim comforter to go along with your baby's room theme that you choose. You don't let the step boy keep his toys in there. He has to have all that in his sisters room and you can give them each a side for playing along with her bed. I don't know if you like it but if you can't get your husband to agree propose this and let him picture it....I mean, you'll have to walk him to the room and try to show him what you are talking about and let him get a visual and then put it back on him to decide...maybe you could even ask the step kids. My guess is that no 10 year old boy would be okay with having a baby room and would rather share with sis.

or you could just tell DH no room no baby, but my guess is that you married him and are sticking it through the step children agony because you love him with all your heart and you do want to have a child with him?

I know.. that is where I am at.

Do I want to have kids w/someone that is already ruling in favor of the skids?

He thinks this will make them not want to come and visit.. I am thinking fat chance.. we do stuff w/them.. whereas, she doesnt.. I am sure they will want to come for their weekends.

I also expressed that our child will need a space to get away to on the weekends as well... esp if that child is used to being alone the rest of the two weeks they arent around.. it might be overwhelming at times.. I know it is for me.. and I have a room to go and escape in.

the stepkid will be kept up by the new baby, at least for a couple yrs, u know?

You are right.. I do love him, otherwise I would have been gone after the bm assaulted me.. and I have always wanted children.. I dont think the skids are going to have ANY contact w/me should my dh pass before me. I can guarantee it.

The problem is, the skids have a 1/2 sister that is a toddler, and I see way to many things happening to her, that they are all just trying to pawn off as a clumsy child. She has had stitches about a month to a month and a half ago, and her latest is a black eye. I cant prove that its the skids.. but I have this nagging feeling it is, as they are rough, and have this sense of entitlement.

I have tried to explain the room thing to him last night... we were babysitting elsewhere, otherwise I would have had him up in that room walking him through it all.

My house is small.. its a cute house, and I enjoy it, but its small and what I can afford. I just cant see putting a baby in jeopardy over rearranging the rooms.

I also see from this site how there are sm that have had children w/thier spouses that they love deeply, only to be being hurt by them now when they are favoring the skids over their newest child... and that the child in the intact family is getting screwed over on a constant basis.

Do to the cs for the skids.. my staying home w/my future child isnt even a possibility.. so I guess I feel that he owes this to me and our future child. Now who has the sense of entitlement.. right?? God, I sound like a hypocrite.

Your DH will start to change his tune when he has a child there all the time too. Right now all he has is the kids that aren't there all the time. I really don't think that the older kids would want to share a room. If you have an open discussion about it then it leaves no room for doubt before it would be too late.

As far as the kids visiting...THEY ARE KIDS!! WHO GIVES A CHILD A CHOICE?! My SD BM tried to say once that SD didn't want to come and we flat out told her that she was a child and she was not going to make her own decisions on what she did until she was old enough to have her own roof over her head! That pity party stopped and we haven't had that brought up in a long time now.

DH will have to step up and be a dad and make the rules.

I did mention how the baby would be napping during the day and would need a room to themselves, and that babies wake up at odd hours and that wouldnt be fair to the skids. In addition, I pointed out that if there was no "nursery" I would have no where to rock a baby to sleep in a rocker..

losingmymind, you dont think they would want to share a room w/a baby or each other?

I never had my own room, until I was 28 and living on my own in a condo I purchased.

I just dont want these decision to all be made AFTER the baby is already here.. so that its not reactive.. I like to be proactive, and to give the skids time to adjust to the idea.

When you do have one should have a room to his/her self. This baby will be there fulltime. Why not give this child a room of his/her own since he doesn't have a room anywhere else. Your skids have a room. When the baby gets older then maybe you (if you want to) can share the room with the same gender Skid when they come and visit.

My GD has to share a bedroom with her baby sister and the baby doesn't sleep. My GD complains that the baby keeps her up at night. My son only has a 2 bedroom house so there is no other option. I don't think the skids will like sharing a room with a crying baby. It is just not practical.

"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"

Thank you Cruella..

I think that rational people all think on the same level.. just hoping that my guilty dad DH becomes a rational person some time soon in this matter.

Its all very frustrating and as I pointed out to him, its not like I am saying they have to start sharing now, when we havent conceived yet, But I do want to know that this is the agreement should we get pregnant. I wouldnt ask them to share a room if the rooms werent really needed.. Its not like I want to turn one of the rooms into a walk in closet for crying out loud..

My skids are 7 & 10 & they have many toys that would be dangerous to their 9 month old brother. Babies need naps, sleep way differnt hours than older kids.

The child that lives with you 24/7 needs their own space expecially with a vast age difference. Our son has the s,allest of the 3 rooms & skids bedroom is bigger. They each have their own room at BM's & have a great room at our house with lots of stuff.

I can guarentee you neither of my skid ( who LOVE their brother to pieces) want to sleep in the same room with the baby.

Luckily your skids are both boys.. My problem is one is a boy and one is a girl.. i dont think that my dh would have a problem if the skids were the same gender.

I agree.. it would be disruptive to both the skids and future baby to not have them seperate..

They really spend so little time at our place. He picks them up between 10 - 11 am on saturdays gets to our place between 12:30 - 1:30 then drives them back on Sundays at about 5pm. This is every other weekend.

I do agree that a baby needs its own room. I am just saying that if you present it before you get pregnant as an open discussion with the steps kids and DH you will get to have the kids reaction to the possiblity of a crying baby waking them up and I don't think they will want that. You paint it bad for them...a little manipulation if you will never hurts...and then DH will be more apt to side with you giving your baby it's own room.

If you force the issue it will never work. If you make it more like it is their decision when you control the conversation then you have it in cement and DH will back you 100%

are right for hammering this out before. Never in a million years would I have thought my life would turn out the way it has because we had a baby. I thought my husband would be different.

That said, my son is my biggest source of joy I could ever imagine. He is a very good baby ( everyone is amazed at his good nature & smiliness and comments on it... so it's not just mama) he can go with the flow, is a good sleeper & can entertain himself quite well for his age. I would absolutely die if something happened to him. I could not live without my son.... but my marriage will never be the same.

BTW last night I took him swimming by myself & we had an awesome time, he was so much fun. My Dh was pretty heartbroken when I told him about the pool. So I think I drove my point home. It is not like I don't want him to be involved in skids life but this baseball committment is going to be 5 days a week and he can't do it all.

I always say that my son is just as amazing & wonderful & important as his brothers. He is not going to grow up like his 7step brother & have to sit out in cold rainy weather because his older brother has a game or practice. If they get to have fun, so does he.

It sounds so easy.. I have never been good at manipulation.. but I am the type that plans things out far in advance.

The problem is.. we have been trying for over a year now w/no success... I am not sure if we should even bring it up to the skids if we are not pregnant yet (I just like to plan ahead, and know that my dh takes time to come around on subjects like this).. Its quite possible this whole conversation is a mute point. That I may never get pregnant.

Too get a better idea of my personality. My vacations are normally planned out well in advance, including where we will be going to eat, and what activities we will be doing. I like to be prepared.. scary, I know.

My dh has already said no to adoption, so if we dont get pregnant on our own, then the skids will never have been affected by my preparations and planning.

I just wish life were easier.

Before my DH retired from the military, we lived in base housing. Because we only had the three skids EOW (and not really even that, thanks to BM not letting them come) we only qualified for a 3BR house. That meant that we had one BR, our newborn daughter had one BR and our son had one BR. When the skids came to visit, we had no choice but to put SS in with BS and the two SD's in with baby BD. We're talking about bedrooms that were only about 10' x 12' at best. It was awful. We didn't even have beds for everyone... one of the skids had to sleep on a cot that was part of DH's gear. BD woke the SD's up in the middle of the night when she got up to nurse, then the SD's were cranky and grouchy all day and didn't want to do anything but lay around all dya long. I thought about moving BD's crib into our BR, but decided that her room was HER room. The skids would just have to deal with it those few nights a year they were with us. They are "visitors." They don't live with us. Their mother is primary custodian and her home is their primary residence.

We have never decorated a room specifically for any of them. DH pays BM a nice chunk of change every month so that they can each have their own room at her house. With five kids and more than half of DH's salary going to CS, we couldn't afford bedrooms for everyone back then. Did we feel bad about it? Nope. Now that we have a big enough house with plenty of bedrooms and enough money to decorate them, have we assigned each skid his/her own bedroom? Nope. We have guest rooms that are decorated neutrally and can be used by any and all of our guests. We can accommodate the skids just like we do any other family members who come to visit. Those rooms are used by others a whole lot more than they are used by the skids, anyway. My MIL spends more time at our house than the skids do. If it's good enough for their grandmother, then it's good enough for them.

The outcome of this debate will tell you all you need to know about what your future will be like having your own children with this man.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Whichever skid is unlucky enough to be the same sex as the new baby will be MISERABLE when they are at your home. I know b/c I shared a room with my baby sister. She was born when I was 9yo. It was the MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE of my childhood! She would wake up me up in the middle of the night crying, I was always exhausted. The diaper pail made the room stink. She was always drooling all over my stuff. I was terribly miserable and hated her guts - didn't actually have a good relationship with her for years, not until I moved completely out of the house.

I think your husband is having a gut reaction to your plan b/c he thinks you're trying to take something away from your skids. I would argue that you are trying to spare them some suffering.

I think you sound perfect though, I need to have a plan. That is why DH & I have been fighting about the skids baseball because I want to know what is happening when & who is taking care of what. I can't stand not having things worked out.

On the flip side I have committment issues. I hate signing up for things & knowing that I have to be somwhere every night at 5:30. I like the option of saying, hey it's beautiful out lets go for a walk.

suesa.. the way I approached the subject was that this was in the best interest for all of the kids.. I did mention the whole, not sleeping well thing, the whole baby will need to take naps through out the day and then the room would be off limits.. The skids would not be able to have as many toys, and those toys if not picked up would most likely be vacuumed up upon their leaving.. as I will not have time w/an infant to pick through the debri on their floors to pull out parts of toys that.. and would vacuum upon thier departure to ensure the baby doesnt choke on something that shouldnt be in there.

I also tried to be neutral about it. I know my emotions got the better of me. (ie.. frustration and anxious)..

Georgia, he definitely didnt like it when I said then we probably shouldnt have children if you cant be fair to them before we have even be able to conceive. I agree w/you that this will be a telling sign of what my life will be like to come.

Part of my frustration is, I bought this house BY MYSELF when I was single. I gave ea. of the skids a bedroom as well as one to myself (and dh, then bf).. I continue to be the individual that pays for the mortgage, paid for the downpayment and pays for the insurance on the house. Seeing as how the majority of the $$ put into the home is MINE, I feel that I should be able to reprioritize the rooms as I see fit.

He honestly didnt like it when I said, if you were on your own still, you wouldnt be able to afford a 3 bedroom apt for you and the skids to be in.. Just a GENTLE reminder.

I guess tonight we will pick up the conversation again.

Thank you..

Perhaps I will talk to my dh tonight and suggest that we bring this up as a possibility should we have a baby. That in that event, they will end up sharing a room..

Based on things I have read on this site, I have tried to iron out some of the details and expectations between my dh and I. I realize that if you dont talk about it, then how do you know that you are on the same page?

We have covered vacations, holidays and not putting off doing something if the skids arent around for that event. As for vacations, I said, of course there will still be vacations that all of us go on, but my expectations are there will be vacations that will not include the skids (as to strengthen the bond w/our own children, since his need constant attention, I am afraid this would be lacking in our vacations).. for Holidays w/gifts, that they had 6 Christmas' this past year (they were actually bragging about that) so my expectation is that a bit more would be spent on the child we have, since they will only have like 1 Christmas to the skids 6 (the ex's new dh's parents are divorced, so its like the MONTH of Christmas for these kids)

I figure, before you get married, they say there are certain conversations that you should have. I think the same should go for, when you have a child. I want to make sure my marriage doesnt end in divorce because of any slights I feel my child gets. So, to ensure this, I have started trying to iron out details w/dh NOW.. before we have kids and cant agree.

how about if you turn one of their rooms into an office...BEFORE the baby is conceived...and let them know that they have to share rooms when they are there for the 24 nights...and when the baby comes turn the office into the baby's room.

that's just an idea cause i do agree with the whole why are they getting a choice anyway...i didnt have my own room til i was 16 or 17 and that only happened because 5 of the 10 family members moved out at one time..if not i would be sharing a room with at LEAST one other person til i got my own place.

i would be a bit concerned that DH is not accepting the idea too easily that a newborn/toddler needs to be separated from the older kids. they are all his kids so why wouldnt he want his child with you to have just as much as the skids have...they already have their own rooms @ home and they dont live with you FT.

all the best.

You know what.. that just struck a cord w/me.. This would be his child too.. so why would he only want stuff for the other two.. that is a really really good point.

I think when we start up talks (or as it feels like... NEGOTIATIONS) tonight.. I will point that out to him.

I think that w/men they dont think in abstract.. that they can love something that is just an idea at the moment. that it wont be real for him UNTIL there is a baby in the flesh. you know??

But you know what.. despite him not getting it right now.. I am going to make sure he gets it before the weekend is up. For sure!! Nicely of course.

The toy thing alone should have sold him. Babies put everything in their mouths.

If you looked at this another way, if he was still with his X and they were expecting their third in a three bedroom home would they make the baby share a room? Not sure why this should change because this child is only a half sibling. I guess he's over compensating. The steps would still be having anxiety about a new baby even if the situation was a nuclear family.

My bs had fits when he found out that he was going to be a big brother and bd is his bio-sister. (he was an only child for eight years)The new baby is going to be the skids sibling and they should NOT receive preferential treatment. Stepping made a good point. I think it is silly to expect a baby to share a room with an older sibling. If they were all bios this would probably not be an issue. It seems Dh is acting out of guilt.