I began disengaging a couple of months ago and it was an extreme relief.
But I keep finding myself getting sucked back in. First, the moody SS teenager (who hasn't spoken to me in 7 months) freaked out, pulled out a knife, threatened to kill DH, who told him to knock it off...then he threatened to kill himself. So off to the E.R. they went. DH was upset obviously, not sure what to do, so I had to give the advice to call the SS's psychiatrist, take the SS to the E.R., suggest the SS go back to the therapist that was initially helping, suggest the DH meet with son along with psychiatrist and the therapist) blah blah blah. The SS scares the crap out of me. I told DH that the SS scares me. DH asks, is it because you think he will be living here with us for along time (SS is 18, taking summer classes to actually graduate high school because he flunked some) or is it because he's erratic? I told him that the erratic crazy behavior is reason. Although personally I have my doubts the SS can even function on his own now.
Fast forward 4 weeks to today. Teenage SD, who just got her license, scraped and destroyed 2 wheels on the car by hitting a curb. But she didn't tell DH until after 8 pm. The tire store is closed. DH started a new job a few days ago and is seriously stressed out. I offered to take the car to the shop tomorrow. He wants me to drive SS to school so he or SD can deal with car. I said no. I refuse to be alone with the SS. The SS can borrow my car if he has to (even though I have been extremely tough on not allowing this). DH got mad, slammed the door, stormed off. The DH feels I am not being supportive. The option is to ride alone with SS or let SS drive my car. I hate either but of course I'll choose the latter.
So....I was right to stand my ground, correct? I want nothing to do with the SS. And the SD is spoiled and not very nice. I was asked to drive her to work last month which I reluctantly did the one time ONLY because the same car she ruined the tires on broke down on the freeway while we were on vacation over Memorial Day and the kids were home alone, and when we returned it had to go into the shop. Oh, and I had taken the keys to my car with me on vacation because I don't trust the SS and DH got mad about that because it meant the kids were stuck at home and not mobile until we got back. He was thinking they could have used my car. The kids can't drive DH's car because it's manual. DH thought I was being spiteful for bringing the keys with me but I reminded him that before we left he told me to leave my laptop in my car because SS had threatened to break all the computers in the house. So I explained that is why I brought my keys with me--what if the SS screwed with my car?
Anyhow, I've tried to disengage but these "emergency type" situations just drag me back in. I'm trying my best to stay disengaged. Of course I support my husband because I love him but I won't do everything and so he thinks I'm being unsupportive. Personally, I think he needs to go to therapy to learn how to manage stress and parent teenagers. I've suggested this many times but you can't force someone into therapy. Suggestions on how to deal? Maybe I just needed to vent too!!!!