I have been a stepparent to 3 stepdaughters for 10 years. They are now all in college, all live at home. While they are all good kids, good students and have jobs, their father has never set limits or had rules for them. So, they don't pick up dishes, clean bathrooms, do dishes, have chores, contribute, etc. I moved into the house with them (dads house) when they were little, but father has never encouraged them to listen to me and has historically undermined my limit setting. So, we have become more distant over the years.
The crossroads: we are loosing the house and will have to move. The girls are 20, 22, and 23 years old. 2 have 2 years to go, and one has one year. All of my husbands money has gone to pay for their private school, then their college. Hence, the house being lost.
Anyway, for me, it has been like living in a college dorm for the past years. I am close to 60, and don't want to do this any longer. The "kids" are very dependent on their dad, and I am having trouble seeing him letting go of them. I really can't bear the thought of moving to a smaller place, further from my job, with three extra adults. I plan on talking to my husband about helping them with rent to live elsewhere. Though he may have the money to do this, I don't see him complying. So, I am seriously considering getting an apartment of my own close to work. Has anyone else done this? What do you think of this? I would plan on staying married, but just need to have my own space and place. If anyone else has done this I would appreciate hearing from them, as well as any feedback anyone can give me. Thanks....
Within the last year or so, I
Within the last year or so, I have been reading some articles about non-traditional living arrangements for married couples. It's probably not going to be the norm anytime soon but if getting a small apartment close to your work saves your sanity and your marriage, then go right ahead and get it.
Let Dad live in the dorm atmosphere, although it's too bad he doesn't just rent them their own apartment.
take control and find the
take control and find the cute little place with ONE bedroom close to work so you can save money and start packing his and your stuff .. He is gonna say what about the kids and you say .. they are adults and do not need us anymore we need to take care of us .. but since we are down sizing they can have all this stuff we only need "this stuff" point to your pile of stuff and smile .. Kids are greedy brats.so make sure you tell the girls that your gonna be gifting them all the extras to help them get started in life ..
If he says no shrug and finish packing your stuff and move ..
Don't go there darlin'
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The whole problem was
The whole problem was probably contributed to by the fact that you moved into their original home, it seems to me. It would have been very hard for you to go against the existing flow at that time. I feel what you do very much depends on your financial limitations, but it seems to me your instincts are correct. You start by trying to negotiate a home the right size for a couple with him taking whatever responsibility he feels he needs to for the SDs elsewhere, and if he won't agree to that you split the assets and each buy separately with him housing them if he wishes to, at his pad. At a later time you can then consider recombining if appropriate. This need not be done in any hostile way, but amicably. I would foresee there is one "danger" which is that the marriage will drift apart. That might not be a problem if it happened organically and calmly. I would certainly warn that it would be absolute hell to live in a smaller place with grown adults whose expenses you believe have led you to have to downsize. Never mind the horror of overcrowding (which I know very well from my past experience with skids growing up, though no more), it will be even less tolerable if you feel the situation with DH and them led to your having to downsize in the first place.
It's nothing personal.
I had pretty much the same
I had pretty much the same situation....except they moved into MY home. After a few years of them trashing my home, throwing lawn furniture in my pool, ( these were 2 adult skids) and the 13 year old wiping his butt on my good towels , due his to being to lazy to look under the cabinet for toilet paper, I put an offer in on a 1 bedroom cond downtown. I had decided my daughter and I would spend every weekend there when his kids were at my home.
The offer fell through but I was determined I wasnt dealing with them anymore. I finally woke up to the fact that I didnt have to put up with any of it!!! I threw all of them out last summer and my divorce was final Nov 7th.
Get your own pace, refuse to let your husband or anyone else deter you from having your space and peace of mind. It is ridiculous that at those ages those adults are still living with you.
I also want to add, I would have very little faith and respect for a husband who did what yours did. He lost the home due to entitling his kids a college degree...great job, now you guys have no home. Not the brightest idea.
Zumbles, I am sorry.
Zumbles, I am sorry.
Yes...I think if you can financially swing getting your own place, you should. You owe it to yourself. You said it - he isn't looking out for you. YOU need to look out for YOU.
I moved out 5 years ago because I saw the writing on the wall - that my dh was never going to let his 30-something year old son grow up - never.
My divorce will be final in a couple of months. Now, I'm not advocating divorce - but I AM advocating this change for yourself. You deserve your own space, you deserve peace.
Whatever you decide, best of luck. I mean it.
Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.
Thanks for the comment. Did
Thanks for the comment. Did you originally move out with the idea that you would stay married and work on the issues, or were you fairly certain that they wouldn't resolved? Is your soon to be x still living with his now 35 year old son? Are you happy in your decision?
My soon to be ex does not
My soon to be ex does not live with his son. BUT...he BOUGHT A HOUSE for his son and wife & 3 kids. While we were still married. Against my wishes. After I had provided them with all the information they needed to enroll in a special home ownership dollar they saved toward a down payment with FOUR dollars
* pay all program that would:
* help them clean up their credit
* match every closing costs
* help them with budgeting and all the other stuff that goes with home ownership.
BUT NO! No son of dh's has to go to classes and actually work toward his goal of home ownership. Much better to just buy him a house. K, can feel my blood pressure rising so on to your other questions.
The idea was to stay married and work on our relationship. And we were. In fact, we were preparing to move in together last year. We had talked through the issues of me not being respected, consulted, taking second place to the skids, etc. OR SO I THOUGHT.
On a day when I went to dh's to help him sort through/pack some stuff for the move, his kid called. He wanted $1,000 to buy Christmas presents for his kids. "Well, sure, that sounds like a lot of money for Christmas presents" was dh's reply.
I got up, walked out, got a lawyer the following Monday.
Please don't think it's all about the money. It isn't. But...OUR money was supporting an adult brat who squanders his own money on things like video games and comic books. NOPE. NOT contributing to that.
LONG story short: yes, I am happier than I have been in 20-some years. Can't say the same for dh but he made his bed - over and over and over again.
I could tell you HORROR stories - and I mean HORROR -- about living with that brat when he was a teenager/younger adult. Suffice it to say that when my kids were babies and I wanted to take a shower...I had to bring them into the bathroom with me to keep them safe.
Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.
I just re read what you
I just re read what you wrote...you are close to 60???? No way in HELL would I be putting up with that crap. I am not trying to be unkind but who cares what your husband thinks or wants?? He HAS NOT BEEN LOOKING OUT FOR YOU!!! Only for his kids. I would get my own place so place his head would spin and if he doesnt like .....tough shit!!!
Thanks for the feedback! I
Thanks for the feedback! I have been feeling very alone with all of this going on. Because I have always been easy going and reasonable, I fear I haven't been treated well. I sold my condo and moved into my husbands huge house when the kids were little. Their mom took off and my husband didn't want to shake up their world further, so insisted on staying in a house that was too expensive and keep all 3 kids in a private school. This, coupled with college costs has almost (and may have) bankrupted him. Our finances are separate, I make half the income he does, but would be able to afford a small apartment or condo near my business.
Things have gone his, and the kids way for 10 years and I hate to think that he isn't caring for or looking out for me, but I am afraid it is true. In the next few months (until we get foreclosed on) I will try to talk with him about moving without the kids in tow, but I am guessing he will say the kids can't support themselves, etc.... I really appreciate the comments.......
The kids could take out
The kids could take out student loans and live on campus. It's not like you're turning them out on the street.
I love your post
I love your post Hatecopycats. So damn true.
Thanks so much for all of the
Thanks so much for all of the feedback! Sometimes, I feel a bit crazy with all of this, and very alone. I think, because I am fairly easygoing, and try to be reasonable, I haven't been treated well. I sold my condo and moved into my husbands huge house when the kids were little (their mom left town). My husband insisted on keeping the kids in their private school and staying in a home that was too expensive. This, coupled with college costs has almost (and may have) bankrupted him. Our finances are separate, I make half the income he does, but would be able to afford a small apartment. Things have been his (and the kids) way for the past 10 years, and I hate to think that he "hasn't been looking out for me", but I am afraid it is true. In the next few months, I will try to talk with him about moving without the kids in tow, but I am guessing he will say the kids can't support themselves, etc...... I really appreciate the suggestions and comments!
Do you still have the money
Do you still have the money from the sale of your condo? 10 years ago was before the crash of the housing market. You should be able to find something reasonable near your work.
I am considering getting my
I am considering getting my own little place just so I can have my own things around me with out comments from his daughter, I want to hang pictures and use my own antique furniture without him say" what's wrong with mine?" you dumbass, it was your deceased wifes and you can see that it bothers me" too many things here that he can't seem to let go of..she passed almost 5 1/2 years ago..he bought the house for us , but his kids call it dad's house... so yes..I'd really like to be separate from the bullsh@t.
I had absolutely no support
I had absolutely no support from my parents (God was more than able!) through college, including room, board, books etc... I had to work in a program you weren't even allowed to work in. When I mean no support, I mean no place to live that I didn't pay for (paying for your college and living with parents is support believe me).
If you don't go to a private college (I had to in the last 2 yrs of my major), student loans can cover living expenses. Why can't they go to a cheaper college and pay for it themselves instead of taking dad's money?
They don't have the common sense to say no, DH needs to. I work with the elderly and it is not pretty to be old and poor when you have no way to work due to the limitations that can come with aging. He really should be saving for his retirement, not bankrolling people who have 50 years left of work in them.
You may want to consider renting a place until his dtrs move out if he won't kick them out. That way, when they are out, you can just move back in.
They are at an age when much can change in 5 years. After all the time spent you may want to wait and see.
My SD seemed like the never ending sponge but at 24 she ended up getting married and her H takes care of her now. They do sometimes go on their own. In 5 years things may be much, much better for you and DH. Maybe rent a condo (if he doesn't agree to downsize with just you) and get counseling and some excitement (clubs, hobbies etc..) in your life apart from him. This can actually be good for your marriage.
The way the situation is now is unacceptable and is going to lead to bitterness it sounds like.
Yes, the kids do get some
Yes, the kids do get some Federal $, loans, but just to the tune of, I think, 6,000 per year. This award is limited by the fact that, in applying, they must list parents income, and they consider this. They haven't taken out personal loans. They are pretty sheltered kids. They went to a small private high school which he couldn't afford, but did somehow. My husband is 62, and was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Prostate cancer 3 years ago. He has since had surgery and radiation and will have to be monitored on an ongoing basis. He spent his whole retirement on the kids educations, so has nothing, although he has a good job, with a retirement match, which he now says he will try to max out. I have some retirement, but am self employed and make considerably less than he does. Our finances have always been separate. His x wife, a physician, has been out of the picture since the kids were little: she left town. So, I think he has always tried to make up for her leaving and, in doing so, created kids who are unusually dependent.
My thoughts were, like you said, to rent and see what happens. They are all at an age where things could change for them, I hope. They all make A's in school, and they all work, though I don't think he will talk with them about saving $ for their own expenses (like rent!). I don't think the fact that we are loosing the house makes any impression on them. I do have interests and hobbies, so don't worry about that aspect. I agree that the bitterness may intensify if we continue to live together after the move, and I definitely don't want that.
I know he knows that I am not happy with the current situation, largely because I feel I have no rights or power . There is part of me that thinks he should know better than to approach the idea of us all moving in together if we move. Then, there is the very dismayed part of me that thinks he will think I will just go along because I have so far.
Do your SDs know that you're
Do your SDs know that you're losing the house? Have they offered to pitch in and help you over this financial hump? ( yeah, right)
* Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
** I'm not giving up. I'm transcending the situation.
My hat is off to you.
My hat is off to you.
"...their father has never
"...their father has never set limits or had rules for them... father has never encouraged them to listen to me and has historically undermined my limit setting. So, we have become more distant over the years..."
Sweetheart, what kind of fresh hell have you been living?
I would tell my DH at this point to move to a ONE bedroom place with me and cut his adult children loose, or goodbye. Your marriage isn't strong because he hasn't been doing his job- upholding YOU. Life's too short for this kind of bullshit.
can I get an AMEN???
can I get an AMEN???
Stepped over, stepped on, stepped around, stepped in it and almost drowned. Done.
Amen!
Amen!
Lucy
I have had to learn that we
I have had to learn that we do teach people how to treat us. That doesnt mean I ask for unaacepatable behaviour but if I show I am willing to put up with it then people just keep on expecting me to do the same old thing. Its a good thing that we can change our mind and our ways anytime that we have had enough. It sounds like you and DH have given and given and the skids are just going to keep right on taking because thats what hes taught them.
I think its really terrific if people can AFFORD to send their kids to college. But at the point that seniors loose their home so that people who can work for years can have a college education and not care about that, well I think its disgraceful. In some ways Im glad I had to work my own way through college and so did my BD and BS. We are all better for it and wouldnt want anyone to be left in this situation on our account. I no longer envy people who were given everything as I see how they act as "adults" now. No thanks.
While it would be hard (hugss) I think its great if you can change to look out for yourself at this point. After the way you say he has treated you I honestly wouldnt offer him to come with me. I'd tell him that I'd need to see REAL change and be specific on what that is and then see what happens from there. Honestly, I would think things could all get a lot worse with their attitudes to you of you are not living with them so I would have a wait and see attitude. In my heart I would know that making a step like that may end my marriage. My DH and I discussed that a little but knowing it could be the beginning of the end we went to counseling instead and I have told him what are deal breakers to me (no kids living with us tho).
Good luck to you.
What others say and do are a reflection of them, not of you.