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 Have to finally meet BM in a couple weeks. UghSubmitted by Thatonegirl on Sat, 06/23/2012 - 6:20pmSo my SO has pretty much informed me that this year I am expected to go to his son's birthday party. It's being held at his mothers house, since BM and her are best friends. I really don't want to go, since I've managed to delay meeting her for this long, and I really don't want to feel like an outcast by his entire family. Plus, SS won't even remember. What's the point of driving 7 hours out of the way? Ugh. Help me get out of this. Haha |
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Just make other plans and
Just make other plans and stick to them. I haven't met, spoken to or had any communication with Bitchie... ever. DH tried all kinds of gimmicks and manipulations to get me to relent, mostly because he didn't want to listen to her whine about "How can Rhyleigh say that she doesn't like me??! She hasn't even met me!"
I DO NOT engage Bitchie on any level. You would be shocked by how much power that gives me in her mind. She tells the kids that I don't meet her because I am afraid of her (giggle). But the truth is that she is terrified of me. She does everything that I say that she should be doing.
1. I complained (while she was on the phone with DH) that her middle son was waaaaay to old to be such a baby about taking his medication. I said that giving him medication was like trying to pill a cat! The very next time that we had to medicate the boy he did the whole thing HIMSELF!
2. I complained (again, while she was on the phone with DH) that she was pushing Bubba (SS15) into going to her church and if she didn't back off he was going to grow up hating Christians all together. I suggested (loudly) that if she relaxed with the kid then maybe someday he might decide that he wanted to go to church. Since then she has backed off with the church thing - even with the little kids!
3. I complained to the kids Therapist that she was exposing them to too much vulgarity and inappropriate television at her house. The kids have now stopped cursing and talking about sex so much.
Listen, you are on the right track. The mystery of who you are will quickly evaporate if you give in to your DH's demands. Without that mystery you will have no power. Just say NO!
“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel
You have no obligation to go.
You have no obligation to go. Your husband has a lot of hutzpah stating that you are expected to be there. Would it be nice if you went, yes it would. Are you required to be there? Hell no.
Keep calm and carry on...
We've all heard from step
We've all heard from step mothers and bio mothers who hate their opposite. The Forums are full of them. Most of them don't have a valid reason except the husband is sc...ing (or used to) the other one.
What we don't hear is the bio/step mothers who are friends. Some are actually very good friends and co-conspirators in raising the mutual children.
The first meeting is the chance to set the tone as to which way its going to go for you. Go into this assuming you're going to meet a friendly and apprehensive person who is probably as anxious as you are. Until she proves otherwise assume the best.
Many people here would have you start WWIII if possible so don't fall for that. Your relationship with this person hinges on this first meeting.
"Hi I'm so happy to finally meet you. Your child(ren)speak(s) of you all the time". Note acceptance that the kids are not yours nor your husbands but 'hers'.
"Many people here would have
"Many people here would have you start WWIII if possible so don't fall for that. Your relationship with this person hinges on this first meeting."
where do you come up with this crap? no one here is going to suggest that she go into this with her fists up, screaming and cussing. if you think the women on here are a bunch of bitter hags, why do you hang around? i don't actually expect an answer, as you NEVER answer valid questions. you think it's funny to say something rude or insane and then just leave. you should really think about why you come back. are you addicted to drama, perhaps?
"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."
>>>Your relationship with
>>>Your relationship with this person hinges on this first meeting.<<<
Some of us don't need a relationship with the BM. If my DH didn't, then I sure don't.
"The witch in Hansel and Gretel - she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Miranda, Sex and the City
I grew up in a house hold
I grew up in a house hold where my father is best friends with my Step mom's ex husband. They all got along great, so I know it is possible to have a relationship that isn't painful amongst adults.
The problem is she is not a rational adult. I've tried to be nice, and was friendly through emails, sent pictures of SS2 that we took when we went on trips, ect, but she is still hell bent on ridiculing me and my decisions. (we moved to GA so I could go to grad school and she is mad because we now live 7 hours away from her) She claims SO is a terrible, absent father who doesn't pay child support, but little does she know I am in control of all the finances and that is the first check to be sent out, even before rent. I have tried being open but I just don't think I'll be able to hold my tongue when I finally meet her. Maybe I should just suck it up. I don't know.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you are "expected" to go. What exactly happens if you don't?
Me, personally, I don't care what DH's family thinks of me. If my DH didn't want to stay married to BM, they can hardly blame ME for not wanting to be around her. Pretty simple.
"The witch in Hansel and Gretel - she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Miranda, Sex and the City
I don't exactly understand
I don't exactly understand his rational but in his opinion, he expects me to be there as his fiancé. His extended family is all attending, so it would be my first time meeting all of them. Most of them still consider her family though, which makes me uncomfortable. They were never married to begin with..
But yeah he expects me to just be there for him, and since we spent close to $700 for presents, and entertainment at the party my MIL is adamant we celebrate. I think they are just trying to guilt trip me into going, but I feel like its a trap. BM has done nothing but refuse visitation, and send nasty emails to me for the past couple of months. Today she sent me one through MIL asking if I wanted to send MY mother an invitation. I haven't responded to any of her emails, why must she insist on contacting me and making this even more awkward. It's pretty obvious that I won't engage her. I didn't have a child with her, I am not responsible for dealing with her. She thinks otherwise, and evidently so does SO and MIL. Ugh.
Sorry, but I think your
Sorry, but I think your fiance is being a bit of a dunderhead if he expects your first meeting of his entire family to be at a party where his ex will be. That's just beyond ridiculous. I'm sure there are approximately 3,727,563,296,395 other places and times to meet his family in a less uncomfortably awkward situation.
And how on earth did she get your email? At any rate, you most certainly don't have to deal with her. Good for you for not responding to her emails!
"The witch in Hansel and Gretel - she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Miranda, Sex and the City
She's impressively good at
She's impressively good at Facebook stalking. I've since then removed my email, and blocker her email address since deleting my account would mess up work and school emails/schedules but she either makes a new account or has MIL's email to email me from.
You've given examples of
You've given examples of behavior that would DEFINITELY make me say, "Nope, I'm not going." You're your own person, and don't have to put yourself in that situation. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. If you go, I hope BM is civil in front of all of DH's family. *crossing fingers*
"The witch in Hansel and Gretel - she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Miranda, Sex and the City
God no - how uncomfortable
God no - how uncomfortable will you feel. Do something fun with you friends instead and stick to your guns! His mum should NOT have invited the ex in the first place. The BM should have her own party at her own families house.
He only wants you to go so it saves face for him.
Hi! I am Manymoments - why? - Because I have MANYMOMENTS of thinking " What the hell was I thinking becoming a STEPMUM!!"
My true religion is kindness - Dalai Lama
He obviously never had a stepkid.....
His mom and BM planned the
His mom and BM planned the party together. They invited about 100 people. It makes me and my SO mad to no end that they are so friendly. MIL even let BM live with her at one point. It was particularly messed up because we didn't get to see SS for 4 months, and MIl was happy as can be that her grandson was around her the whole time.
I suggest you pray if you are
I suggest you pray if you are a praying woman. I did not really care about meeting BM one way or the other initially, but I happened to not meet her for 5 years so the intensity was starting to become uncomfortable.
I really suggest you meet her because it will likely alleviate the pressure of not meeting her. On the other hand, it may be beneficial to meet her in a more neutral (shorter time span) setting before the party if you are able.
I was at SD's wedding (Skids late teens, early 20's when I married H) and I had been nervous. I came out of a building during preparations for wedding and came to a circle of people standing with DH and SS not even realizing BM was there. I talked for a few minutes and then my H introduced me to the woman I hadn't even noticed in the circle.. BM.
BM has never given me any problem whatsoever. She is nothing like most BM's on this site. Instead it was my MIL who gave me all the trouble. I was really glad after I met her because the pressure was relieved. I suggest you go and keep your mind open, she may actually be neutral and pleasant like mine was.
I wish my SS were old enough
I wish my SS were old enough to be able to not have to deal with his mother. Unfortunately, him being 2 makes it a long road ahead.
I am not religious, but I do try and be peaceful about the situation and not engage her. It's just frustrating being made to feel guilty because I don't want to be a part of his party. I really just don't want to deal with the drama that will unfold after. I feel like meeting her will open the flood gates, so to speak.
I just read your other posts.
I just read your other posts. Honestly, my problem was a triangulating MIL which might be yours too. I've always wished their was a website for MIL/skids problem.
My MIL is nice enough to me
My MIL is nice enough to me on all other occasions. She has offered to let us live in her house while we pay off my school loans, and our car, ect. But when it comes to BM she just won't budge. She refuses to quit meddling, since she believes that the only was she will have a relationship with her grandson is to be close to her sons ex. I find it ridiculous that she thinks that but who am I to tell a grown woman who she can't and can have in her life. I just wish they weren't so clicky. It's painful knowing that she has a better relationship with her then she does me, and that she gets to see SS because she is controlled by BM. :/
I've spoken to both FH and
I've spoken to both FH and MIL and both think I'm being ridiculous, as if they aren't aware at all of the things she has done in the past to make me not want any contact with her. I don't think I can get out of it. SO and I have discussed it and he gets upset every time because I say I will not go.
FH doesn't expect much of me in the sense of taking care of his son. I do things with or for him because I want to have a relationship with him. But everyone keeps thinking my actions are for BM's sake, and it couldn't be farther from the truth. I really just wish BM wouldn't be so aggressive in trying to meet me, or interfere with my soon to be family in laws. But then again I've been called unreasonable during this whole BM/me situation so I'm just waisting breath trying to make my point seem valid. Maybe I'll just catch something purposely from one of my day care kids before hand. It has to be better then the alternative. Haha
Wow, that is quite a party
Wow, that is quite a party for a two year old!
I agree with twopines, not a great first time meeting. I would be feeling a little off balance.
If you decide to go, have as little contact with her as possible but follow Danger_Kitty's advice, "look AMAZING. Be as nice as possible. Kill her with kindness."
In sixteen years, I have only been in the same room with BM (total psycho) once and I did look amazing and my personality was flowing over! Since other people were there, BM behaved (fake) and all went well. My husband has a harder time being around her, as she makes his skin crawl. Which has actually been great for me because he has never wanted to be where she is, birthday or not. We always celebrated separately. It beat him going to jail!
Tell me about it.. Who
Tell me about it.. Who invites over 100 people to celebrate a birthday party anyway? Never in my life have I had more then 20 people at any event. But hey, I don't have kids of my own either. Who knows, maybe it's just a natur desire to show off ones offspring?
And you're lucky; even though BM treats FH like garbage, he for some reason still feels the need to attend all events WITH her. It's like he forgets what a terrible person she is 99% of the time in a delirious fog that "maybe if I go I can see my son this time for more then 2 hours." Sadly, it's never the case, and he has yet to learn.
Well, my husband never
Well, my husband never forgets what a psycho his ex-wife is! And he knew from the start that she would forever be using his daughter to manipulate him so he was never in that delirious fog, thank god. I have been very lucky and am even luckier that SD is 21 and we don't have to worry about all that anymore.
I wish you luck!
And hopefully, your FH will
And hopefully, your FH will eventually learn or at least not expect you to be a part of it. Let us know what you decide to do.
The WORST part of this
The WORST part of this situation is that Bm and MIL are bff's...WHY? Are BM and FMIL close in age? I don't get it...how OLD is this BM? At one point my not so DH had to tell his mother he is with me now and there was no reason to communicate with BM - anything she wanted to know about the kids - she could ask him. He talks to them every night and we live with the woman SO she sees them as much as we do. FMIL/BM like to conspire behind our backs to and FMIL seems to like to tell BM everything are we are doing! We do everything seperate from BM's family - why can't you guys do this? I think you said you live 7 hours away from Stepkids? is that right? Why not hold a small family party when they come to see you? If BM is going to be there does that mean her WHOLE family will be there too? He is putting you in a terrible situation if he thinks you are NOT going to feel out of place. Is his mother insane like my fmil? Where she likes to attempt to get pictures of my not so DH and BM together? And pushed me who takes care of her grandkids better than BM out of the equation entirely? Of course DH never lets this happen and he always makes it a point to stay far away from BM at events and things we go to. He can't stand her or her manipulative ways...neither can I. Ugghhhhh....I'm sorry you have to go through this.
BM is 31, almost 9 years
BM is 31, almost 9 years older then me, and MIL is in her 50's.
BM does have pictures of her and my FH together, bought matching Halloween costumes for him, her and the kids. Tried to take professional pictures with FH and so on. My SO so kindly lied to me about it, since I was away at training in the army during this time, and both he and MIL hid it from me for months until I saw a picture of it hanging in MIL's house.
It's as if they don't realize that we are together.. SO has gotten better, and I've forgiven him but this is just an occasion for me to realize how mad I am about it.
Oh, also yes, BM's entire family will also be present. She's kindly told them all I'm the homewrecker, lying skank who ruined her family.. So should be fun.
Yeah, I think I'd have to
Yeah, I think I'd have to pass.
OMG - that last bit - my SO's
OMG - that last bit - my SO's ex has done that to me! Told everyone who will listen that I destroyed their marriage (ummm NO)
His mother refuses to meet me, his brother's wife is BM's best friend so they won't meet me etc etc.
Their loss though, but it is ss's birthday next Monday and BM is having a party, expects SO to be there, but not me. Thankfully it's at the pool not her house otherwise it'd be a OVER MY DEAD BODY.
If mine were that bad I'd go
If mine were that bad I'd go out of spite. Lol