Skid abuse and the toll is takes

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Skid abuse and the toll is takes

Submitted by Sarah101 on Wed, 04/16/2008 - 3:57pm.

This is the busy time of year for me professionally, so all I've had time to do is lurk. SOo many times I want to respond, but just don't have the time! Pretty soon you'll hear more from me, whether you like it or not... Eye-wink

So we've been adult skid-free in our home for over a month now. I always wanted DH's adult brats out of the house and thought life would immediately rebalance. No such luck. I underestimated how much their bad attitudes and unrelenting hatred toward me and BD11 had affected us all. I feel as if I am suffering a sort of PTSD...like a combat veteran I continue to connect with the war zone although it no longer exists in my home.

For example:

- Every day I resist the need to hide my purse and wallet in my home even though nobody will steal from me anymore.
- My jewelry is still in the safe. I won't wear my nice things.
- I catch myself hiding personal items for fear they will disappear.
- I brace myself at the doorstep after work each day, although I don't need to.
- I continue to be uneasy when I watch TV in the den with my DH and BD11--for so many years it was safer to watch TV alone in my room at night.

I never knew until the skids were out of the house how abused I actually was. I suppose I got accustomed to their hatred and passive agressiveness over time (even though I disengaged!), and twisted myself into a mental bonsai just to cope with it all. Chaos and lies became an everyday staple of my existence. I also got accustomed to being ANGRY all the time--simmering inside, but not coming to a boil.

I have realized that I cannot just pull down the defensive shell I had to build just to deflect the negativity and hatred those petulant brats aimed at me. It will take some time--but how much? I have to jettison the anger somehow--I've been so angry for so long. I suppose I knew that, but I could never express how I felt. At some level I was afraid I would decompensate if I tapped into the well of anger.

I guess I am a survivor of sorts. I just didn't expect that I would be affected by them so deeply. I thought--as many of you do--that when they turned 18 and/or moved out of the house everything would be OK and return to normal.

Everything but me.

» Sarah101's blog | 255 reads

I get it

Submitted by Lace Lady on Wed, 04/16/2008 - 4:41pm.

After going thru a tough time at a former job I had to renew my mind so to speak. I was pretty hyper vigilant & high strung & I had to learn to relax again. I had also gone thru a bad time with an exBF & there was a lot of anger there. (It had been a really bad time of my life but it's so far behind me I can breathe so easily now.) Anyhoo, how to handle the anger...

-Go to the dollar store, buy some clay pots or some dishes, go somewhere safe & break them. Do this about once a week or so. Great stress relief.
-Exercise. It will burn the physical energy that the anger & anxiety bring you in a positive & constructive way. Heck, take up boxing!
-Highly defensive? Take your time & do little things. Now that you notice these things, make it a goal to stop them, but do it one at a time. Give yourself a few weeks to stop each one. It just takes time & practice. And remember to do this for your own sake. Do it to pamper yourself & keep that as the main reason. You are in recovery mose right now so there is nothing wrong with taking special care of yourself & doing nice things for yourself.

Now go out there & look fabulous! After what you've been through you deserve it.

Cajun Lady

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Yes, treat yourself special

Submitted by Most Evil on Wed, 04/16/2008 - 5:32pm.

Get used to someone being kind to you again, even if it is only you! You have suffered post-traumatic stress!!

I have felt abused at jobs before and it was hard to learn to trust again when I found the right position for me.

It is awful to have to hide things in your own home, but I have done that exact thing except now I don't allow those in-laws over.

I am so happy you are free!!!! How is your DH taking it?

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

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I totally understand the

Submitted by happysomeday on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 8:19am.

I totally understand the need to hide your things- I can't imagine going back to a life where I don't have to do that either.
I also hide my purse and wallet, and don't wear nice things, because as soon as someone notices I have something new, it's gone.

When she left for a week, it was heaven getting to leave those kinds of things out in the open, but I have so many things I don't even use, and have even lost, from hiding them.
You get so used to having to put things in weird places...sometimes such weird places you don't know where they are.

Do you think this is going to last? Is your husband determined not to let them come back?

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Time is a great healer

Submitted by Nellie on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 12:25pm.

Hi Sarah

Hopefully over time you will be able to relax. Your own home is the place where you are supposed to feel safe and relax. Why don't you try spending some one on one time with your daughter, maybe go do something out of the home where you are not constantly reminded of the strife that used to exist in your house.

Are you worried that DH will let the moochers come back? Maybe that is why you can't relax.

Hoping for the best for you Sarah

Nellie

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I know how you feel

Submitted by Elizabeth on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 2:02pm.

SD15 lives with us, and she seems to take pleasure in destroying my things. It's gotten so I never know what's going to happen next. Without proof, my husband will never believe that SD is responsible. I found myself going through my jewelry box the other night because I was certain SD had someone over while we weren't there. I work until 6 pm and SD gets home at 2:30 pm. She had cooked and eaten an entire frozen pizza, as well as six chocolate chip muffins. I don't know what's worse: She had someone at the house without our permission or she ate all that food herself!

I lock my purse in my car, after $100 disappeared out of it. Tonight husband I got a chance to go to a concert, so we won't be home until late. I'm already anticipating the havoc SD will wreak in our absence. If someone came into the house with her permission while we were not there and stole my stuff, husband would never believe me and I would be SOL.

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That's the abuse I am talking about

Submitted by Sarah101 on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 3:56pm.

Oh, I hear you, Elizabeth. There's nothing quite like the feeling that you are being violated in your own home. I don't know which is worse really--having your privacy repeatedly violated by a vengeful teen stepbrat, or having your DH completely deny that any of it is happening.

The teen (or adult skid) knows she holds the reins, and you just have to learn to hide your things. Even under lock & key the SD18 tried to break in anyway. Honestly, the jewelry given to me by my own mother would have disappeared had I not convinced DH to buy a safe. And as soon as SD18 saw the safe, she pressed DH for the combination and key. The safe situation frustrated the hell out of her.

But I will say that getting the safe stopped the regular ransacking of my room, drawers, car, and closet. SD18 knew the "good stuff" was in the safe--even the change jar!

And NO, THE ADULT STEPBRATS WON'T COME BACK! About a week after kicking SD18 out of the house, I realized how effed up the whole situation was, and how I had been screwed. I got MAD--or at least I allowed my pent-up anger to be expressed. I told DH in no uncertain terms the none of his drug-addicted, thieving mutant offspring were ever going to allowed to live in our home ever again.

On one hand he appeared relieved, but a few days later he broached the subject of "maybe SD18 can come back someday" to which I almost tore off his head. He's never suggested it again.

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