A few days ago, we got an email from BM with a list of days/times that she will "need" the skids to be with her due to "obligations" during DH's extended Summmer visitation. These "obligations" include birthday parties, vacation bible school, and various other Summer parties/get-togethers.
Based on his attorney's advice, DH is sticking to the CO to the letter. BM has tried to interfere with his visitation several times since we returned from overseas, and has withheld the skids on one ocassion so far. Per the CO, BM was supposed to notify DH in writing by April 15th if she wanted to designate a weekend to have the kids during their Summer visit. She failed to do so, so he let her know that the kids will remain with him for the entirety of their visit. She is, of course, is throwing a fit now.
DH told her that if she provides him with the details of these "obligations" then he will make a decision on a case-by-case basis and transport them to and from the events as necessary. That's not good enough either. In her latest email, she accused him of "not respecting the girls' social lives." This cracked me up! They are 6 and 8! It is not like they are calling their friends up and planning parties themselves. All of these things are things that BM initiated/agreed to knowing full well that it was DH's time.
DH is of the opinion, and I agree, that at that age, family time comes first. It would be an entirely different conversation if they were 14 and 16, but they are not. So my question to my fellow SMs is this: how does your family weigh the importance between family time and social time? And how do you decide whether or not to allow a social "obligation" intiated by BM interfere with your skids time in your home?
Dad's parenting time comes
Dad's parenting time comes first - and even if they were 14 and 16, the same would be true. She doesn't get to decide what the kids will or will not be doing on HIS time.
My boys are about to turn 17, and now they ask if they can go to a family function connected with Dad if it's my week. I usually say yes because I think it's important for them to maintain connections. If Douchey McDouchemeister asks me, and I have nothing else going on, I will say okay. Sadly, he does not reciprocate, and my family knows to make plans only during my parenting time.
At the age of your skids, stick to the letter of the CO and tell her you will decide if they can attend and then YOU will take them and pick them up.
I agree with you - BM knew these things were not going to occur on her time and shouldn't have made plans.
Your DH has handled this
Your DH has handled this perfectly. He is willing to hear BM's story and yes, it is up to him if he chooses to get his kids to any of these planned events.
You are also quite right, they are young yet and its far more important at these ages to spend time with Dad and family than at events. It will look at lot different at 14 and 16, as you said.
Stand your ground Dad!
This is about power and
This is about power and control and BM proving she has it. Stick to the CO.
If her list of stuff includes
If her list of stuff includes family events(Grandma's birthday party) and not just social crap (Sally down the street is having a sleep over), then I would be willing to overlook the CO.
Having total control seems to be more important to her than making sure the kids attend a FEW important events.
reminds me of the time when
reminds me of the time when the Beast ordered DH to take the skids to her grandmother's birthday party on DH's weekend (oh, the good old days)...He told her she was more than welcome to come to our house to pick them up and drop them off. It was an hour away from our house.
She threw a fit and insisted that DH take them to the party and pick them up. DH told her that she was more than welcome to come get the skids.
It went around and around and around until I grabbed DH's phone and texted, "if you won't come pick them up, it must not be that important to you."
Crickets.
Keep in mind that she was driving from Skidstown (over two hours away from Ourtown) AND was driving by OurTown on the way to the party.
You probably guessed it, the skids didn't go to the party.
None of it is family stuff.
None of it is family stuff. It's all "friend" stuff. DH offered to take them to some of the events (not all) as he deemed appropriate, but BM finds that unacceptable. She wants to take them herself. We suspect it's because she doesn't want HER friends to meet us and find out that DH isn't the deadbeat dad and I'm not the homewrecking whore she's made us out to be.
And everyone who says it's about control is dead on. BM has consistently tried to dictate what DH does on his parenting time for years. But the "respecting the kids' social lives" argument was a first.
LOL, this takes me back! The
LOL, this takes me back!
The best thing DH ever did was force BM to stick to the CO- EVERY TIME. She fought tooth and nail to get him to give up his time for hair appts., classmate parties, etc. The only time DH would give up time is if 1.) It worked out for us AND 2.)We made her 'trade' for a day of hers we wanted.
When the SDs got older there was more flexibility of course, but for pete's sake- at 6 and 8 their "social life" should revolve around family. (And the last time I looked, dads are family.)
Exactly. If they were older,
Exactly. If they were older, I think we'd be more flexible because outside socialization is very important for older kids and teenagers. But at such a young age we feel it is more important for them to spend time with us, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Also, every single time we've agreed to "trade" with BM, we've gotten burned. Every time. If she could act like a reasonable human being, making changes and compromises would be fine. But she burned that bridge herself, so CO it is.
You're doing the right thing.
You're doing the right thing.
Here's one for you to laugh about: My SD's BM was so controlling, she would call them (we had 50/50 custody) and tell the SDs when they should take a shower- AT OUR HOUSE.
Well, that lasted about two minutes. We turned off their cell phones the minute they walked in the door after that- and the kids were more relaxed and HAPPIER! BM had to call US if she wanted something. (And she never would call and risk having to speak to me.)
Yuck. I know for us, BM is
Yuck. I know for us, BM is the skids daycare provider, by her choice. She signed them up for bible school at her church (on our week) and we took them because it didn't matter if we dropped them off at church or at daycare to us. It was for a good cause, yet its just another way they control things. We never sign them up for events on her weeks, and when it was her week with them, they missed a day.
"On some beach, somewhere".
This is all SO familiar!
This is all SO familiar! EVERY time SD14 would be at our house, Dear Old BM would have something the girl would just HAVE to participate in: farewell dinner for former lesbian lover, birthday party for current lesbian lover's son from a previous marriage, fill in the blank....always something. It's about control and reminding DH that he is not important, that his time with his daughter is not important, and who's calling the shots...BM of course.