We have had primary custody for 8 years over SD15 and SD11 until just this year. We went back to court because SD15 wanted week on/week off with her BM, SD11 didn't. Her BM has only every had EOW and is bi-polar with severe rages. We settled in court because DH didn't think a judge would split their visitation and SD15 was determined to finally live more with BM. We also have a BS3.
Well, week on/off isn't the best plan and we figured that out immediately. SD15 started causing chaos in our home back and telling exaggerated stories to her BM. She'd also do the same with us but to a lesser degree. Granted it's happened all these years but it escalated tremendously being week on/week off.
Fast forward a few months and DH had a fight with SD15, I was a part of the argument also. Caught her in some other pretty major lies dealing with BM. Had DH talk to her and heard her refer to our house as "hell"... I lost it, went in and said "if our house is hell, then get the hell out" and escorted her to the door. Granted, I acted rash. Told DH to get her and talk to her separate from me. It was decided that it'd be best for SD15 to spend the next few weeks with her mom as a "cooloff" period.
Fast forward and it's now 1.5 months later and SD15 is stating she won't come back to our house because of me. She's claimed to BM that I said they were both going to hell and that I told her to walk to her mom's which I never did. I've tried texting, BM intervenes and SD15 stated she only has a "fake" relationship with me now and doesn't want to see me. But she wants to see BS3, but never to come back to our home. Well, he's part of our home, our child. How does she think she can see him if she refuses visitation with her dad?
It's causing major problems between my DH and me and he's getting to where rage is an issue with him. It's had an affect on everyone and I'm more upset than I thought I'd be. I also have an older BD19 that's home from school and even she is crying...But what can we do if the BM has so much control over her? I know it's parent alienation but we just don't want anymore court fees.
I'm going to couples therapy today, but how do I handle this? Let her go? Didn't know it'd hurt so bad after all I've done for her.
She can visit in your home or
She can visit in your home or not. Her choice. Don't spend a dime going to court or attempting to get her to see the family. If she can't respect someone who raised her for most of her life, that's on her.
^^^^^EXACTLY!!!^^^^^^ Don't
^^^^^EXACTLY!!!^^^^^^ Don't feel bad at all...she is old enough to reap the consequences of her choices...
NOT my kid....NOT my problem!!!
Your kid makes me want to overdose on birth control!!!
Do not take this to
Do not take this to court...Read my blogs and you can see that what they want at this age is what will happen. As for her hating you, you are the scapegoat. Let it go. My SD16 did this to us....She is not in our lives and I intend to keep it that way. She lives with BM now and we have SS13 full time. SD is full of drama and quite frankly I am not playing her games anymore. We are going on two years now that we have had no contact with her. She is not my child and not my problem. BM created this mess, she can deal with it. I am sure she regrets the PAS's now with SD since she has lost SS, but will never admit it since SD is a wreck, barely passing classes, drinking and other fun stuff.
SD17 chose not to come to
SD17 chose not to come to stay with us this summer either because I'm so "bad". OH well it's our gain. I wouldn't worry at all!!!!!
*broomstick for ONE*
My mother and I fought a lot
My mother and I fought a lot when I was growing up. More than once she walked me to the door and kicked me out.
The difference?? I had nowhere else to go.
I find step kids with 2 homes have an advantage in this case and its the advantage of power that a child shouldn't have.
I had no choices - either go and leave on my own or suck it up and deal with my parents. One of the contributing factors to the entitlement of skids is that they can leave and hold it over another parent in most cases. This is a huge power.
No advice here, just saying - it sucks.
Regulation #5
You are entitled to food, shelter and medical attention. Anything else is a privilege.
Tired...
I think it's wise of you not
I think it's wise of you not to fight this in court. The judge would probably rule against your DH as SD is over 12.
For the time being anyway, if DH wants to see her, he needs to do it outside of your home.
Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8
We spent 17K fighting this in
We spent 17K fighting this in court...Don't do it. You can not win and why would you want an angry teenager in your house anyway? Everytime I feel bad for us about SD16, I remind myself that she is not the loving child I remember. She is evil incarnate and if we made her live with us, she would make our lives hell. Do not romanticize this....It will make you forget what she put you through and you will be right back where you started.
SD is not allowed back in our house, DH can see her outside of the house. But, in two years it has happened twice. He is no longer making an effort.
More than likely, you are not
More than likely, you are not the real reason she does not want to be there. It sounds like she purposely caused the blowup as an excuse to not come over anymore.
My SD21 did the exact same thing at 15 (and she really was a good kid). Some things came out of her mouth that she admitted was told to her by her BM (lies). It had been going on a long time (BM feeding her lies) but SD just waited until it suited her to let it out. My husband had already figured she wouldn't want to come over much in her teenage years but he did not figure she would handle it in that way, as they were pretty close.
Anyway, we just let it be. We knew we couldn't win either way. If he caused a scene trying to enforce visitation, he would be an ass. If he didn't try enforcing visitation, he would be a lousy dad (and an ass). So, we did what made our life more peaceful. She changed her mind several months later.
Age 15 is somehow that age
Age 15 is somehow that age where kids turn into monsters. lol I'd just let it go. If she grows up and one days sees things differently then you can build a friendship again. Until then it's just not your issue. If I were you I'd actually be relieved she's not there anymore b/c now you can enjoy the other two kids. If she were at home there'd be so much drama and stress ya don't need. Your DH needs to find it in himself to let it go too. Tell him to take his rageoutside b/c it's also not your problem. The more you put into this the more "reward" you're giving your sd and your dh.
Good luck and hugs
Im with everyone saying that
Im with everyone saying that she can visit in your house or not. Hes YOUR son. Yes, they are related through her father. But hes YOUR child. She wants to see him, she can come over, act civil, like the adult shes supposed to become in a few short years, or she can choose not to see him. Plain and simple! There is no need to expose your son to the problems that do not involve him. Sadly I've been a in-between with something very similar, and it always winds up hurting the child or children in question in the end.
And yes, 'children' turn into 'hellions' at the start of puberty and sadly, we cant slap em anymore or its abuse (which I don't think a good swift kick up the backside is). Some kids just need a boot up the butt, and it sounds like shes overdue for one in my opinion.
Over worked, over stressed, under paid, and definitely under loved. The lovely life of a step-mother.
Let it go. Going to court
Let it go. Going to court will gain you nothing. SD bailed on us when she was 16. Her loss, our gain!
"SD15 refusing visitation
"SD15 refusing visitation because of me"
And this is a problem because??? Sounds like a sweet deal to me.
This is common and my SD did
This is common and my SD did it too, at the same age. It was great for me, lol!! and later she did come back around.
She can't get anything from you if she doesn't see you! so rest assured she will be back eventually. HUGS
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano
I wish my SD would refuse
I wish my SD would refuse visitation. Id throw a freakin party!!!
Hi! I am Manymoments - why? - Because I have MANYMOMENTS of thinking " What the hell was I thinking becoming a STEPMUM!!"
My true religion is kindness - Dalai Lama
He obviously never had a stepkid.....
We are going thru the very
We are going thru the very same thing at our home. SD14 (will be 15 next month) has concocted an elaborate web of b.s. about how I've done her wrong (yet again) and has told my DH that if he isn't going to "stand up for her for once" she doesn't want to be around him or me.
That's cool. Stay at your crazy-ass mother's house with her live-in, lesbian lover and y'all have a big time. I'm good with that.
As Forrest Gump said, "One less thing to worry about."
If your SD doesn't want to come around (for whatever reason), consider it a blessing. And whatever she concocts as her reason for this, using you as her scapegoat, will just be the flava of the week.
Sorry you are going through this, but take the lemons and make lemonade out of them!!!
Hang in there....
Wow, all consistent opinions
Wow, all consistent opinions which I must say I agree with! Thanks for the help!! Made me feel so much better and less crazy.
DH and I went to counseling yesterday and it helped so much also. The counselor helped us to realize that we are grieving like we lost a child, similar to the death of one. He explained what a strain that does to a marriage and helped us take steps to not let it end ours. We were each blaming the other - he's blaming me because I've fought with her a lot at 15 (who doesn't fight with a 15 year old!?!) and I was blaming him for not being a stronger parent and demanding respect for me early on. It was refreshing to hear the steps we'd go through, let go of the blame, and just look at each other and say "I know you did nothing to intentially hurt me." Then in time the grieving will be over. I already feel like it's lifted somewhat.
The counselor advised SD15 not be let back in the home. This is final and that's the hard part for DH but he MUST stick to it. He told him to visit with her outside the home, go to dinner etc. And no special visits with BS3, she chose to leave. He also advised if she only invites DH to graduations etc... he's to take me anyway. We are a team. It's both or none. I was afraid she'd get her way with that and DH would attend things alone. But DH agreed.
So now it's just time to adjust to her not being there. I still feel sorry for BS3, he doesn't understand and asks where his sister went. But she made this decision - hope she learns something from it. I'm pretty sure our home will be more peaceful without her.
And good luck BM, first time parenting in 8 years - should be fun for you!!! Ha!
SO glad the therapist was
SO glad the therapist was able to help! Hope things continue to improve.
When living with a
When living with a liar...
You eventually discover they lie to you about everything...
It's a slow process because some truth is mixed in, but the lies they use to cover thier fears and insecurities eventually become to hard to hide which creates DOUBT...
So... when SD gets to the point where she can't tell the truth from the lies...
MOM will suffer the same loss you and your DH have too...
I know this from experience... with my own BM...
We haven't spoken in over 20 years...
I feel like you all have been
I feel like you all have been living my life!
I'm so happy to learn that every single one of you would have backed me in the same situation- what a relief after all the grief that SD put us through! She's almost 18 now and still living with BM- Thank God.