smdh's picture

The package deal

I've been annoyed by that forum post for days. I was trying to figure out a way to explain it without the emotion. This is what I came up with. It isn't the best analogy, but I think it works.

Say you land your dream job. I mean this job is what you've fantacized about your entire life. It pays good money. It is interesting. It is a challenge. It provides security. And it is rare! You're so lucky to have landed this job. You realize that it will be long hours and hard work, but you've got a good, solid work ethic and you're excited about it.

So you get there for your first day and everything is great. Everyone seems nice and professional. YOu work hard. You get promoted! Hmmm, but then something weird happens. Some of your co-workers / peers start being douchebags. It might be subtle. It might be direct. Either way, its there. They're taking credit for your work. They're stealing your ideas. They're coming in late and leaving early, making extra work for you, but they're still getting all the same kudos and accolades that you're getting. In fact, sometimes they only show up twice a week and they're being treated like kings while you're chained to your desk doing all the heavy lifting and noone seems to notice your efforts. You could quit, but you'll never find another job like this. This job is your livelihood. This job was your dream.

You talk to your boss about it. He might be sympathetic. He might think your paranoid. He may accuse you of being PETTY and attacking your co-workers. Either way, he isn't going to change anything.

Now I ask you "package deal" promoters, in this day and age, in this economy do you just say "fuck it" and quit or do you suck it up and keep doing your best and keep being able to pay your mortgage? Sure you do. You don't quit your dream job. You might bitch about it and your co-workers and maybe even your boss. You might go home and vent it all out. You might call them assholes. You might even say you HATE them, but you don't just walk out on a job you know you can't replace.

And does your boss fire you because you have complaints? Probably not. Does he care that you go home and vent? Probably not. What he cares about is that you do your job and you don't be disrespectful in the workplace.

Insert a dream dh, the fact that most of us are in an age group where men with whom we are compatible without kids are not easy to find, insert kids for co-workers and you have the same situation.

We come here to vent about stuff - and yes sometimes it IS petty. But if I come here to bitch that it took SD 45 minutes to make herself a sandwich and she whined the entire time and that prevents me from blowing a gasket and telling her that she is being ridiculous, then I'm keeping the peace with my family.

My dh is well aware of my feelings (lack thereof) for his kid. And you know what? He is FINE with it. Why? Because he is a mature adult who realizes his kid's personality mirrors the personality of a woman we both hate and that unlike him, I don't have the innate love for her to ignore it. As long as my behavior and my feelings remain seperate, he has no illusions that I married "both" of them.


smdh's picture

My dh has never uttered "you

My dh has never uttered "you don't like my kid". He'd be stating the obvious and he knows it. She isn't even a bad kid, really. Compared to the other kids on here she is pleasant, but only because my dh insists she behave. He actually does discipline her.

I just don't like her. I don't like that he has to discipline her constantly. I don't like that she drags her feet and does everything half assed. I don't like that she lies to her mother about us and reports back all our business. I don't like that she acts as though my child is hers and dh's child. Her behavior isn't atrocious. Her attitude is. Yes, I love my dh. Unfortunatley, his kid inherited his less than desirable behaviors and a good dose of Lazy McCrazy. That said, I am never unfair to her. Do I treat her like she is mine? No. Do I love her? No. Do I take on a "parenting" role? nope. But I encourage my dh's relationship with her (easy for me since he does set limits, doesn't spend money like a crazy person, and isn't a disney dad)and I am respectful of her. The only time I do take on any role that MIGHT resemble parenting is when she is outwardly disrespectful to me, my child or my belongings and I do that with ANY child. I don't care whose kid it is, if you aren't going to correct their shit when it concerns me, I will.

bi's picture

i feel much the same way

i feel much the same way about sd19. i just don't like her personality. she grates on my nerves. we would not be friends even if we were both 19 or both 34! she is not someone i can like. i can tolerate her in small doses IF she behaves. i'm not going to apologize for not being able to mesh with her. i don't even always like my own bd17! but i have a bond with her that i will never have with sd. i won't apologize for that, either.

—

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Clapping my hands. Awesome

Clapping my hands. Awesome analogy!!!

Rhyleighblue's picture

Well done, SMD. That is an

Well done, SMD.

That is an excellent summery of my thoughts about my marriage the past few days. I have been wrestling with the "Why the hell am I doing this?" and the "How did my life get so far off track?" questions. After a while, my thoughts start spinning around in circles and I lose track of what is simply logical and which elements are born from emotion.

Thank you for helping me to separate and analyze my thoughts. I can now see that my choices have been adequate all along. I didn't create this mess, I just rolled up my sleeves and dove into it. No, my life isn't exactly what I wanted or planned on... But it's not a collossal f*ck up, either. Life is drama no matter which choices I make.

((hugs))

Thank you! Smiling

—

β€œThe opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel

tweetybird74's picture

My question about you analogy

My question about you analogy is this. If as you say your co-workers are lacking, they are stealing your ideas etc and you are working way more hours for the same acknowledgment that they are getting (and they are not doing their job), then aren't your co-workers using you and walking all over you? Isn't the company you work for turning a blind eye to what is really going on, and realistically are you doing the best job you can and actually look forward to going to work? Although I understand the parallel you are trying to make. I would QUIT that job, I do not give my all to someone or a company to be shit on! PERIOD! And when you relate this to being a SM no way would I spend my life being shit on by the people I consider my family!

smdh's picture

Well then you're special. And

Well then you're special. And I guess independently wealthy and able to land any job any man you want. The REST of us realize that life isn't perfect and we do the best we can so we don't drown in debt and lonliness. I come here to vent. I don't like my skid, but this is a very SMALL part of my life. Very SMALL.

While I see your point in not wanting to spend your life with people that treat you badly (and there are people on here that make me wonder since their dh's seem to be douchbags), you also have to remember that a LOT of these women vent about stuff that happens in their homes and lives FOUR days a month. I don't think they should leave an otherwise good relationship because for 4 days their dh seems to have his head up his ass. And while I disagree with a lot of the "parenting" of some of these dh's, I am adult enough to realize that they're in a tough place. They don't see their kids enough, they worry about them when they're with the other parent, and they don't think they can effect any real change in a few days a month. They feel defeated. They act on those feelings. Doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't define who they are

For someone who disapproves of this site and it contents, you sure spend a lot of time reading it. ANd you missed the point, most of us do NOT consider our skids as part of our family. I have a family. It consists of me, dh and ds. Dh has a family that consists of him, me, SD, and DS. SD has two families. One includes her, dh, and ds and one includes her and her mother.

You can't apply your rules and your life to every situation. Everyone's decisions are based on very personal, private perceptions based on their life's experiences. So if they need to come here to VENT to survive in their PERSONAL situations they should not be attacked for it.

I'm sure someone as perfect as you has never referred to anyone as an asshole behind their back. Well good for you. The rest of us mere mortals are going to carry on our way entertaining each other as a method of survival.

bi's picture

well said. i was attacked for

well said. i was attacked for 3 years straight on another site for having...wait for it....FEELINGS!!!! yeah. tfb (that fucking bitch) did not want to listen when i told her that being a sm is a PART of my life, it does not define me! just because i am miserable where sd is concerned does not mean i am miserable in my whole life. she wouldn't want to listen. i am clearly just an evil, hateful person and surely i must be this way all the time, as i never have anything good to say. well, dumb ass, i was on stepsite and there is nothing good about being a step in my situation. no, i don't say anything good. it's a STEPSITE! i generally don't get on stepsites to brag about the good things in my life, i go there to vent about being a SM. good grief, is it really that hard to understand? Puzzled

—

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

Over_that_tude's picture

"And while I disagree with a

"And while I disagree with a lot of the "parenting" of some of these dh's, I am adult enough to realize that they're in a tough place. They don't see their kids enough, they worry about them when they're with the other parent, and they don't think they can effect any real change in a few days a month. They feel defeated. They act on those feelings. Doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't define who they are"

Love this and I have to refer back to this when I am looking at my DH and wondering where the hell the guy I chose and the man that chose me went when Disney Dad is in the house.

This is a blessing. I have been wracking my brain trying to understand how he appears to be so oblivious to what we experience 5 days a month. While my mind was able to process it all and get it my heart was hardening as a result of the crap I have to deal with for those few days. Reading this makes sense and my heart "got it" this time.

He always says his biggest fear with his kids is not being able to affect change in his kids' lives and having BM raise them to believe he left them all and not just her. He fears someone else coming in and raising his DD and he being cast aside like an old pair of shoes.

This makes sense and my heart can understand this. No one and I mean no one has ever put it this way to me when I ask what am I missing. Thanks again SMDH...you rock!

—

...keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe

napamom's picture

I love your post! So well

I love your post! So well said and completely my life!

momagainfor4's picture

life is drama regardless of

life is drama regardless of the choices you make. No one person on this site or any other lives a completely perfect and charmed life.
No one.

I think that a little more tolerance of each other is required at times. I know that sometimes I don't agree or understand exactly what someone is saying. And at times, I know that I whine about silly stuff. But I get it out of my system and then I can deal with the matters at hand with a clear head.

Regardless, some of us have more to deal with than others. Just bc my situation is not as serious it may seem silly to someone that is going thru pure hell. Some of our fellow posters deal with a terrible crappy situation that they didn't sign on for.

I was in a bad marriage for over 20 years. Why didn't I leave? I stayed bc of my kids. And bc I didn't want to be yet another statistic. Stubborn to a fault. I've learned now that regardless of the situation, I have control over me and end the end I can choose to walk out or stay but at the same time I change the lives of others around me especially children.

I like the job analogy, I currently work in a real job where this has happened. I'm looking for another job but it's slow coming along!

Disneyfan's picture

I can stay at a job I hate,

I can stay at a job I hate, but I can't live in a home where I'm not happy.

I can work with people I hate because they are not a part of my personal life.

smdh's picture

Like I said the analogy isn't

Like I said the analogy isn't perfect, but the point is that some people were in too far before they realized that they signed up for something for which they were not prepared.

Some people don't know what love really is. Some people don't realize that it isn't normal to be treated the way they're being treated. Some people don't recognize emotional abuse or negative energy. Some people's entire lives have been chasing a dream. Some people can't recognize their dh is one of those "dead beat dads" that remarried to find a new mommy to take on his burden. Some people can't recognize that their dh is divorced for a reason. Its unfortunate and sad, but it certainly doesn't make them bad people. And nothing anyone says on this site is going to change their minds. Those revelations happen in their own time. Some people would like to leave and simply cannot afford to do so. And some people had more children and dread the thought of having to leave those children with their douchebag dh and his rotten kids ALONE without her being there.

My point is that none of that makes our dh's and their kids a "package deal". I didn't marry my skid. I married my dh. In fact, legally in my state I can't have married ds because a) she was 5 and that is frowned upon in this country b) she is female and so am I and that is still debatable throughout most of the country and c) I married dh and polygamy is a big no-no in my state. None of my vows said "I will love and cherish my dh's past life and any procuct thereof". At no point did I give anyone the impression that I'd be taking over daddy duty for a child that he chose to have with a woman he now hates. She was good enough to have that child, she is good enough to take her court ordered time. No exceptions. They aren't a package. He is dh. She is SD. I accept that she is part of his life. Doesn't really make her part of mine.

Would I leave if he didn't discipline her or let her treat me badly? Probably, but my life's experiences have led me to a low tolerance for bullshit. Some other people aren't there yet and that is ok.

Most Evil's picture

Hi, I understand and fully

Hi, I understand and fully agree!! Also the Lazy McCrazy name should win some kind of ST award!! LOL

—

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I agree to come extent. But

I agree to come extent. But if your coworkers were literally abusing you, well, no job is preferable to the emotional and physical trauma you'd have to endure.

A dream job includes, for me, appreciating for my work, recognition from my co-workers, and respect for me as a person. I could care less what industry I'm in, but without those things, it's not a dream job, and I'd rather work in Mcdonald's as a cashier with those things than my "dream" job that tears me apart as a person.

I'll just move into a smaller apartment.

smdh's picture

Ok, you'd move to a smaller

Ok, you'd move to a smaller apartment. What if that wasn't an option? What if your name was on a big fat mortgage in an economy where houses sit on the market for 30 months? What if you had two kids with your now dh?

I'm just pointing out that sometimes life prevents us from pursuing the option that would make us 100% happy. And from a personal standpoint, I would put the house on the market and perfer my kids not grow up seeing me take abuse, but I am not everyone on this site.

And for the record, I have an awesome dh. He treats me like a queen. Since he was previously married to Satan's Mistress with a spending problem I can pretty much do whatever I want and still be perfect in his eyes. He disciplines his kid. He insists on respect from her for both he and myself. We go on vacation without her. He doesn't cater to McCrazy. He doesn't pay anything more than cs. He isn't a disney dad. She has chores. I am living my dream. I've been in not so great relationships and I'm embaraased that I didn't end them sooner, but I am compassionate enough to realize that not everyone is as fortunate as I am and decisions aren't always black and white and if people need to come here to get it out, then good for them. They're already being abused at home. We have to abuse them here, too? That's like kicking a kid for telling you that his father beats him.

Sweetnothings's picture

Smdh, thanks for the post,

Smdh, thanks for the post, too.

tweetybird74's picture

I understand many on here do

I understand many on here do not have to deal with their skids 24/7, my point (from my point of view) since I live with my SS everyday, we have custody, that it would be a very difficult situation to be in everyday if I was in a place where so many on here seem to be that they want nothing to do with their skids. If I only had to spend time with my SS a few times a month I likely may not have much of a relationship with him, because I would not see him much? I do not know what the situation would be if he was not with us everyday. I am somewhat fortunate in my situation that I do not have a crazy BM causing problems (anymore) and my DH is supportive, I know many on here would be in better situations if there DH or SO was more supportive.
For the record I never said I disapprove of this site or it contents,it seems to serve many people on here quite well, but yes I do disagree with what SOME people say or post, just as everyone else does. I did come on here for advice, but mostly I look to see if there are others I can offer advice to. My SS is now 17 and things in my situation are OK for the time being. And maybe I can help someone else who is going through issues with my advice of things I have learned in the past 8 years of being a SM? Not everyone will agree with me or like what I say, but as I have read everyone has their opinions. I do wish that this was easier for everyone and there was some step by step book that would make it all perfect but there is not, we just have to do what we can to make things OK for each of us.

bi's picture

i could have written this. i

i could have written this. i have said the same thing before. sd was fine until about 3 months in, when fdh moved in with me. once she saw that i was a permanant fixture, she quit pretending to be good and let her true colors show. to this day, i do not understand why she sees me as competition. fdh is never going to be her bf and i don't want him to be my father!

—

"I don't hold grudges. I remember facts."

cant win for losin's picture

where is this original post

where is this original post that has you all flustered? i dont think i read it.

—

Some days are okay, and other days i plot my exit.

When all else fails, just give 'em $10

Missstresss's picture

Well said. The thought of

Well said. The thought of leaving has never and will never cross my mind despite the constant sacrifice, drudgery, aggrivation, disrespect, defference, stress and economic drain that comes with my steps and their bat shit crazy mother. Just as with my job, which is unfulfilling, boring, way too far of a comute and very much a dead end, I just have to put my head down and get through it...this is what I must do to survive the next few years. It is worth the sacrifice for me to do this so that in the future, I have a life with my husband to look forward to. God willing we will have many, many empty nest and DC free years ahead of us. HOWEVER...having said that, if I had a DH that treated me like shit I would be gone so fast his head would spin. I would NEVER enslave myself to these people if I did not love my husband as much as I do and if he did not treat me as well as he does. Don't get me wrong..he's not perfect, but he tries his very best to let me know that HE appreciates everything I've been through at the hands of his dysfunctional family. We have the type of marriage I have always wanted and it's worth fighting for.

DaizyDuke's picture

Great analogy. The funny

Great analogy. The funny thing is I was just bitching to DH last week about my job and how I feel trapped. I have been in this job for 12 years and in the state retirement system for 13 years, so I feel like it would be just flat out dumb to leave at this point when I am more than half way to retirement, but I have been hating my job and don't see it getting any better so therefore I feel trapped.

Kind of how I think I feel with DH. I love him to death BUT can't deal with the constant skid/BM crap and just have a feeling that it is going to drag on well past their 18th birthdays. However, I made a committment to DH when I said my vows and we now have BS 2.5 so I feel "trapped". Like you said, at least if DH and I are together, I can monitor what is being done, said etc. with BS2... the thought of him being with DH and skids and me having no clue what is going on, being said would probably drive me to drink. So I stay, and I come here and bitch about my situation.

AND it's really no different than how my DH feels about skids and BMs.. HE feels "trapped" as well. He made poor choices 13 and 14 years ago and now he is "trapped" in the situation he is in. He actually has told me 2 times in the past 6 months that in a perfect world, it would be just me, DH and and BS2 and we wouldn't be dealing with skid and BM crap. DH is also very much so a guilt daddy, but not for the usual reasons. He didn't want either skid, but because DH's dad walked out on him when he was 2, he is always saying how he wants to be better than that, and I KNOW that my DH is one of those people that would be worried about his "appearance" to others if he simply walked away from his kids. I know he is just trying to do his best with the hand he was dealt, but damn, it's such a battle every day!

DH said to me the other night that he just wants to live a peaceful life. I said.. ME TOO! I think that hit home with him that if it weren't for HIS baggage, MY life WOULD be peaceful.

—

Funny how people who treat you like shit get offended when you finally do the same to them.