amishheaven's picture

Question for Widows or Widowers or someone who had lost someone close

I am engaged to marry a widower of 7 years(now I am a widow too of over 18 years). She died of an infection from a surgery and her three kids went to live with there bio father. My SO is still appears to be angry with this and just about everytime it comes up. Why? Why cant he have peace with it happened and it is now our life. Will I always be facing this? I am affraid to even tell him how I feel. I need some advice

Helena.Handbasket's picture

I'm confused as to why he is

I'm confused as to why he is so angry about the kids being gone. The biological father, not the stepfather, has sole legal rights. I am sure he feels hurt to some extent since I imagine he took care of the kids many years then they just went off with their dad. However, they had no choice either. He cannot expect their relationship to stay the same.

After 7 years, he has problems if he hasn't let this go by now. He needs to seek counseling. How old are the kids now? Is it that he's angry they haven't tried to stay connected in some way?

I have a friend on the opposite end of this right now. Shes' a stepmom, the BM died recently and stepdad hasn't tapered off in seeing his step children. Its nice that he wants to stay involved, but he was overstepping like asking for them to still spend the night and keeping their rooms the same. He even was going to take them to disneyworld. Seemed very inappropriate. To be honest, I think it stems from those of us widows who want to keep things the same after the spouse dies. I went through a period of about a year and a half where I kept the house frozen in time. Others want all the things gone immediately because they can't stand the reminder. Maybe your SO had too much taken away all at once and resents not being able to maintain some sort of normalcy after her death. Having her gone, the children gone and his whole life and routine gone all at once could be a lot. If you can, encourage him to see someone about this.

There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

amishheaven's picture

the kids where only part of

the kids where only part of my SO for about 3 years and the bio father had only limited contact with the kids which I feel there is more to it then what my SO know since this was the late wives first marriage out of 3 (she died when see was 27). The courts ordered the kids to go to the bio father about 8 months after the death of there mother. I personally feel more for the kids then I do his. They where between the ages of 5-8 when she died. He did want to be in there life still but bio father didnt agree. Well I can understand for ajustement it would be better and I thought that it was strange that they called him daddy and she was called mommy but SO only child too with in just a few months of getting involved with each other. The SO child was 11 and is now 18 and I think she is very immature too. Acts alot like an 11 year old still.

Smomof3's picture

I lost my first husband 9

I lost my first husband 9 years ago and the grief makes you latch on to weird things. I held a grudge for a long time against his parents (they deserved it) but I held on to it too long, even after a new relationship started. Those kids were his last link to their Mom. He lost his wife adn then the kids in a short time. I'm sure to him it was a double tragedy.

amishheaven's picture

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story but can I ask if there is anything I can do. I really hate living with the angry because to me it feels or appears as if he isnt over it.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Yeah he isn't over it. He

Yeah he isn't over it. He needs grief counseling.

There's no need to interact with me, I'm just here to observe. -Sheldon Cooper
Formerly *Alwaysanxious*

amishheaven's picture

Just had a fight with him

Just had a fight with him about all this and he is saying it is me. That he will be angry and hate whoever he wants too but I told him to me it holds me back from him. I want to marry him I want to be his wife but with this I dont know what to do. He said he is over all of this and it is in the past and it is me that cant do it. I tried to explain to him that it is about the tone in his voice the angry I hear from it.

StressedStepMon's picture

You said that he still brings

You said that he still brings it up? How often? If he references it daily, and has an angry tone, that's a clear sign that he is still grieving. If this is the case, you are right to suggest grief counseling. His reaction of blaming you is just a defense mechanism. Here's a tip from a counselor: the higher his defenses are, the deeper his pain is. If he flat out refuses to see someone, it's a sure sign that he's still in deep pain over his loss and until he resolves that pain, he can't move forward. That will leave you with a decision to make. We can't control others, we can only control our responses to any given situation. I wish you luck.