Less aggressive is sadly usually temporary. My hunch is you will have a bad time of it if she visits and you remain at home. Perhaps a nice restful B&B that allows pets would do the trick.

Does anyone on here have a story of improvement? In my case, just when I thought things were starting to go well, everything got exponentially worse.

Give them the web address for apartments apart for rental apartments there (just came back from Belgium and stayed in one of their properties with 6 of us and it was #1 less expensive than hotel rooms for all of us #2 a kitchen saved us hundreds in food cost as we didn't have to eat out, and #3 was great location clean spacious and fantastic location and a great company) Don't feel bad about not wanting people filling up your space if she wants to visit it's her vacation and not your responsibility to put them up. My sis offered her tiny home with her husband and 2 small children to us but I was not going to do that to her free living space or not.
http://www.apartmentsapart.com/

But we've already told scores of other people they CAN stay in the apartment with us...it's huge, so it's hard to make an argument on space. If we're allowing friends to stay with us, we certainly should be allowing her to stay with us, except that friends don't treat me like crap. And anyway, we'll probably foot the airfare and the hotel even if she doesn't stay with us...

I guess I'm stuck.

Give her a list of local hotels. If she's normal, she won't to spend her time in Italy sitting in your house. A normal person would plan to visit as many famous places as possible.

Make sure you know roughly the time she intends to come over and book friends in fr that period. Or book friends to stay back-to-back. If your DH is like so many on this forum, he will never organize anything properly anyway and will leave it all til the last minute. So the ball is in your court to make sure she stays elsewhere whilst you swan around with friends.

Considering you are footing the air fare I assume the step-daughter is not financially able to pay for lodings - or at least it would be difficult.

Also from what you said she is being minimally polite now.

So the door is now ajar and I'd exploit it to see if a truce can be worked out and obviously your allowing her into your home is a huge step forward.

Try to schedule her stay during pleasant weather when all of you can go places outside or at least away from home. Different places that is from your places. On days when they're not touring you can be taking the dog to the dog beach or whatever there is to do in Italy.

Although I'm a huge proponent of disengaging with kids I'm equally in favor of letting childish things be bygone. She's maturing and any attempt, however small, on the former childs part to open the relationship should be received. There is no point in carrying on a war when both sides are no longer willing.

I know have a working relationship with my steps because I didn't push aside their baby steps at reconciliation.

Good point, Orange County. And when I see husband making baby steps toward better behavior that will make me feel like his wife rather than a third wheel in their cozy little setup, I may consider letting her stay there. But this time, I'm going with Sonrisa's suggestion and everyone else's that I deserve a safehaven.

In fairness, (and I realize now that I didn't make this clear in my earlier posts) it is not all the kid. A lot of it is husband doing stupid things to pit me against her and probably her against me - like saying "yes" when she had the nerve to ask him if she could have one of my wedding presents before I ever had it out of the box.

He has never set a boundary for her and now she's got no sense of where she should end and let the rest of the world begin. She's a mess. I would have to be absolutely out of my mind to want to be around someone who treats me as she has.

Thanks for the advice on this, everyone. I appreciate it.

Saffron, DO NOT ever leave your home to make someone who is rude to you feel more comfortable to visit. Wherever your home is, even Italy, it is your home, your haven and no one who dissrespects you should be welcome in it. You have said if she comes she is to stay in a hotel, so be it. You worry you have offered to let other people stay with you in the apartment, okay, so how many of these other people have been as rude to you as your SD has. I am sure the answer to that is NONE and that is why you invited them.

You need to tell SD seeing as your husband will not, simply this, I realize you do not like me, and so I have found a list of hotels in the city where we will be living for you to stay in if you decide to visit your father in Italy. You also need to let her know that you will not be paying for the cost of the hotel, so tell her you hope the hotels you have chosen, or the website you send her to is affordable for her, as you will not be paying to accommodate someone who hates you.

You need to see her for what she is, a woman who hates you. As wives we seem to think of these woman as our husband's children and do not ever look past that. However, the truth is, they are just men and women who hate us, and we should treat them as we would any other person who hates us. Would you leave your home if the next door neighbour liked your husband but hated you, would you leave your home if a friend wanted to visit your husband, but they didn't like you. Of course not, leaving your home for this woman is a big mistake. Every action has a reaction. You leave your house, she feels free to visit safe in the knowledge you won't be there, your reaction to all of this is a build up of resentment, her reaction to this, is she feels very comfortable in popping in because she knows she is chasing you out and she enjoying the power surge she gets from knowing that.

You need to discuss this with your husband and you need to tell him, if he wants to see his daughter and he cannot bring himself to tell her to respect you, then HE needs to leave his home to visit her. You are making it far too easy on these two to keep hurting you.

Beware of people on this site who would start or continue WWIII over the slightest snub. Not pointing fingers just sayin......

I agree with both sides. I would never allow someone to stay in my home that hates me. However, I see no reason to completely ignore an opening to make a truce. It's the Libra in me So how about half way? Provided she does not completely revert back to being an a**hole prior to the first trip, her first trip out she can stay with you. Keep a list of hotels handy and at the first sign of a**holery you put her up in a hotel. Since this is not an expense that she will be expecting to pay maybe you can pay for her accomodations this ONE TIME. If she has to be moved to a hotel during this first trip then she cannot stay with you for any subsequent trips and she has to pay for her own accomodations.

Considering their little gruesome twosome, what about telling DH that if SD comes, he is taking her on a tour of Italy. So the trip must be scheduled during his time off, even if only a long weekend with perhaps allowing her to stay either the first or last night depending on flight times.

Would you be comfortable with something like that?

SMH at the wedding present thing.

First, I would do NOTHING to foster the visit, don't even mention it. And after reading your blogs, I'd probably plan a trip to another spot during her visit. No more hostess while they cuddle and coo! Gag me! You've got the full boat--disrespect (which maybe can change) but the mini-wife thing too? Ugh.

Italy is incredibly awesome, my ancestors came from there and I visited the birth spot a few years ago in the Tuscan mountains. Not sure where you will be, but hop on a train and go to Venice or Florence or Rome for the week. Or the coast!

I read your other blogs, and I too have crazy bio family. Not talking to 2 of my sisters and my mother is on thin ice. Over the past few years, I've had to learn a lot about boundaries and standing up for myself. My DH went ONCE to see his family without me (SD engineered a visit for GSK's 1st bday). I had a fit, it was very hurtful as they paid for his ticket (we couldn't afford to pay for mine because we'd booked tickets for 3 months later just before). DH felt emotionally blackmailed by it all. I told him never again and he agreed.

You're paying quite a price for this marriage. Is DH worth it the rest of the time? I hope so!

I agree with EBU. Why allow someone in your home who hates you and disrespects you? Why should you accommodate someone who dislikes and disrespects you by leaving your home and trying to find something to do? If DH wants to pay for their visit it's up to him but should be from HIS money, not yours. You do not owe this to anyone who treats you badly. Ya, it might be WWIII but who declared it?

I think our situations are often the same but can vary to some degree. I have seen and experienced change post-disengagement. I think often the problem we have all experienced with crappy behavior with our adult stepchildren was partly our responsibility. Many of stayed passive or eager to please for too long and contributed to the notion that we are doormats. Hence, once a clean break (boundary) is made, there is a greater chance for at least more respectful behavior face to face. You have destroyed the familiarity she had with you and your presence.

My stepsisters are some of the biggest losers I've ever known. They gave my mom hell. After my mom disengaged (this was years ago before I was married), they changed how they act around her. They aren't all best friends but they know where the lines are. Likewise, since disengaging, I have noticed a more cautious attitude in my stepdaughters when it comes to being intentionally hateful to my face. I don't expect to be friends with mine ever but they are backing off.

I think you don't need to focus on your sd's visit till you start actually planning it. And of she's still a total bitch than stand your ground. But if she is showing signs of backing down and you continue to forbid her from your home that could be trouble. I agree with one of the above posters. She will be in Italy! She'd be gone everyday. Just stay home. But I do believe there is a chance that she has gotten the message by now that you are done playing games.

Let go the guilt. Even my husband would tell you that. She has been an ass. Consequences are associated with that or should be. Too bad for her and her behavior. Now, she doesn't get a free lodging ride in Italy.

I would not have her stay with me. No way.