Ok... so last summer (like every summer and every other wknd throughout the year, and rotating holidays) my stepchildren spent it with us. I was of course annoyed because I feel that they're here holding me back and I'm watching them while their dad is at work and their mother is on vacation with my hubby's child support money. Anyway, to make a long story short hubby and I were heading outside when we noticed that his kids (who were outside playing with the neighborhood kids in the park) were arguing and of course as soon as they saw us, everyone stopped. Hubby notices something was up and asks everything ok? So they tell him that this 15 yr old kid was arguing with his daughter who is ten. Me knowing how she truly, really is I just knew she started trouble and was in the wrong. Without even asking what happened or why were they arguing he automatically jumped on the boys face saying OH YOU'RE MESSING WITH MY DAUGHTER?! As if she's such an angel made out of Gold. So he went off on the boy not to mess with his daughter, etc. Well, since I know all the kids in my neighborhood (I've lived in it my entire life lol) I asked around to see what had happened the following day. Turned out that all the teenage boys were going to play this game and she wanted to join them, but the 15 yr old boy told her she couldn't play because she was first too young and it was only older boys who were playing. And of course this pissed her off because everything has to be her way or the highway so she went off calling the boy all kinds of stuff from bitch, pussy, etc (pardon my french) and the lil boy asked her to stop being disrespectful, and of course she didn't listen. So they got into it verbally and her brother (my stepson) of course got in it to defend his sister and they were going to fight. My whole point is, was she at fault or not? I'd like all of your opinions. And he shouldn't have yelled at the boy, he should've yelled at HER for being nasty and disrespectful which I've always known, but to him she's PERFECT so that was NEVER an option. It had to be HIM who did wrong. So the following day we are sitting at the park and I tell him, you know she is going to get her brother hurt because of her mouth. It isn't fair he has to always get into fights because of her. And of course he got all mad, angry and offended that I said that and then we didn't talk for the rest of the night. The following day when he got home from work he was still upset not talking to me and came home with an attitude because of the comment I had made. So I went in the room and locked myself in there because I didn't want to deal with the drama that always arises when these kids are around. So I am crying, upset and just going crazy saying to myself God please, something's gotta give! Just as I said that I felt this piece of paper by my arm as I moved. I went to crunch it up and throw it in the garbage, but stopped when I caught a glimpse and saw my stepdaughter's hand writing and the word bitch. So I opened it up and it read: "A bitch Ana is yes we're not finished, she will die ha ha." So I got happy (instead of "hurt" even though I felt hurt a bit) because I was finally able to show hubby something, PROVE to him and there was no way he could make any excuses for her this time. Because b4 I'd say stuff that she would say and he wouldn't believe it, so now I was able to show him and it made me happy. So I came to him with the note and I said oh look what I found. So he's making this face like he doesn't understand what it says, so I say oh I'll read it for u and so I did LOUD AND CLEAR. So he says nothing, stands up and asks me for the note so that he can go outside and confront her about it. And I asked him why doesn't he bring her in and confront her with me as well? Because I don't want her to say something and falsely accuse me of things like she did once before and you came to pack your things and go because your daughter was nasty to me and said otherwise. This time I want to be able to have things said to you clearly. And of course it didn't happen, he just said he has nothing to prove to me so he's just gonna do it on his own... then I said I don't know if I should give this to you because u might destroy it so that its gone and it's like IT NEVER HAPPENED. Eventually I gave it to him, he went and talked to her and I'm sure it wasn't at all in a bad way it was all nice and sweet, etc. But before coming to her, he stopped and asked my step son, who would never do that because he is great and loves me, if he wrote it which pisses me off because he is still hoping that a miracle happens and it wasn't her cause it couldn't have been his "perfect little angel" Well that was that and step son later tells me that his mom and sister always talk about me at home, and that I am referred to as a bitch in his home by them and that their mother wasn't mad that she wrote that note, but she was mad that she got caught. Stepdaughter lied to her and said the reason I found it was because I went through her things, meanwhile I found the note on my bed. So I was just wondering what everyone thought about this ONE out of MANY incidents I've dealt with in this NIGHTMARE! Thanks to anyone who reads this, sorry it's so long and I appreciate your comments =)
Ana
Why do you put up with this?
Why do you put up with this? Why do you just accept that your husband is not defending you... I don't care if it is his child. YOU are his WIFE... the one he MARRIED and are now ONE WITH, right?
I just don't get us... us = step parents. Why are we so willing to be called names, put down, lied to, talked about, things taken from us.... ????? Because our spouse is so loving? So caring? So supportive?
Ana, you have to respect yourself before someone else will respect you. Bottom line the behavior is unacceptable and boundaries crossed. Limits need to be set and expectations with consequences put in writing (house rules).
AND
if you get no support from DH and your house rules go down the toilet in 5 nanoseconds like they did in my case when BF started up the guilt parenting crap, COMPLETELY disengage! I am training myself to not give two hoots about what skids do. We have them EOW and every day i repeat the mantra (even when the "ghosts"; see my post on disengaging tool; aren't here) "not my kids, not my problem; not my kids, not my problem"
Thanks
YoungStepMomof2
Thanks so mcuh for the helpful comment. It's so unfair! His sister says I have to understand where my stepdaughter is coming from. I said you don't think her trying to feed me SHIT in a "chocolate pudding" is wrong? She says no, because when her dad left her mom she hated her stepmom. She was one of those MONSTER STEPDAUGHTERS herself! I'm like I cannot believe she doesn't see anything wrong with any of the things she does to me? Fine they might feel a certain way because their dad left, etc but does it make it right? It isn't fair to me... but yeah I actually have stopped asking about them, they no longer come over often ever since the note and I've tried to tell myself all the time FORGET THEM! I am trying to do the right thing which is show the child love and be there for them and treat them as my own, but they make it so hard. But apparently no one else sees IN HIS FAMILY sees anything wrong with her actions. Meanwhile my family is furious I put up with that. If hubby didn't have those kids, actually I don't mind him having his son... he's great. If he only had him I'd be so much happier and our relationship wouldn't have so much drama!
DETHRONING THE QUEEN
http://www.geocities.com/stepfamilyhelppagenewsletter/dethrone.html
PRIORITIES -
http://www.geocities.com/stepfamilyhelppagenewsletter/priorities.html
This is a great site.. another poster from this site put in another blog. They have great ideas and suggestions!
Playing exacutioner is unfair to step parent!
I feel you, OMG.. I go through the same thing!
have to prove them wrong WITH proof before something is done. It frustrates me because I would never lie or hurt my B.F children, but its alomost like they think we are aginst their children ya know. I feel like we as step parents need the bennifit of the doubt more instead of being charged at like we are the enimie here.
I know exactly what your saying.. Sounds like my life. Infact I can say nothing about B.F kids without him getting defensive, right down to when visitation is good and fit for all of us so I can have some alone time myself.I am currently in a situation myself with B.F with this crap, I am tired of him looking at me like I am not for his children, and like my intentions are not sincere. Like me you need a united front, and unfortunately its not always that way.I also dont feel like I should have to prove anything as a adult when I know I am sincere and fair.. MORE THEN FAIR!
For god sake were suppose to be team players.. not have someone play exacutioner, It is exstreamly frustrating.. I feel you.. I hate it!!
Do we have
the same SD??? SD9 LOOKS angelic with her curly blonde hair and big blue eyes, but can tell a thousand lies without blinking once! Sounds EXACTLY like SD here. She starts trouble with other kids and ALWAYS has to WIN (cheats readily to do so) and ALWAYS has to be number one (constantly seeking atttention; usually negative) and ALWAYS has to have things her way (gets this from the BM and to a lesser extent BF)
Of course, BF and BM ALWAYS defend and coddle her. YOU BETTER BELIEVE that my BF would have the EXACT same reaction as your DH ("YOU BETTER NOT MESS WITH MY DAUGHTHER") and assume that the angel is COMPLETLEY innocent!! LOL!!
Time to disengage! If you no longer care, then maybe the death threats will stop!!
Grrr
YoungStepMomof2
So annoying how they do that. I recently read an email conversation between SD and hubby and she doesn't shut up with though oh daddy I love you so much you just don't understand! and he tells her I love u too sweetheart and always will no matter what anyone says. That is clearly sending her a message that she can stab me to death and it's ok, he will still love her and it will like nothing happened..... FRUSTRATING!
Wait till she gets bigger!
And more vindictive. I don't think SD would like stab me while I slept or anything, but I do have those nightmares. She has: put liquid soap on my toothbrush, thrown away my clothes and shoes, taken $100 out of my purse, told husband I hit her when she actually hit me, ripped the nose off a stuffed dog I had since I was 1, left baby gate open and stood at top of stairs watching 12 month old BD (her half-sister) attempt to climb the stairs (I think she was hoping for a fall), refused to help BD3 who had her fingers shut in the front door, and much more.
Daddy doesn't believe any of it because SD is so perfect and I'm the adult. Whatever!
It does just continue with time
I feel kind of guilty because I am honestly disliking my SD16 now, I don't even want to be around her at all, she is so sneaky I don't trust her any more. It is sad because I really wanted to be there for her, but I just can't take the way she treats us (me and DH).
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
I know what
you mean most evil, I too wanted to be there for my SD, but she would have none of that. I just don't understand it. That's why I am so glad she moved back in with BM. It never gets any better with age, only worse. I can tell you what I did w/SD's. When DH wasn't home and they were acting like asses, I got out the video camera and recorded them doing stupid crap. Sometimes in front of them, sometimes behind their backs. After I had showed it to DH, he began to understand....... give it a try.
Ha! that is a great idea
SD-cam! It does sound best she is out of your house now.
My DH supports me but he is a little bitter about it. I am sure if I backed down he would be glad and we would be giving our rent money to take SD on vacation, with her stabbing us in the back the whole time she has her other hand out. I wish I could draw a picture, I have something in mind of how she is, like a cartoon
Also to Youngstepmomof2, of course it sounds like she instigated everything . . . you will have to keep your eye on her-!! and your cam, thanks Robinson!
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
CAMCORDER
YoungStepMomof2
I have been thinking about putting a hidden camera in my children's room just for my step daugher. She is so sneaky. I know she hates my daugher, her half sister too. So I'd love to catch her in camera pinching her and then asking all loudly WHAT'S WRONG JAYLA ARE U OK? Trying to act all nice and caring, when she is really hurting her. You guys... watch the movie (it's an old movie I had watched in my film class in high school, which I happened to love since and never thought it would later on have any connection in my life lol) but the movie is called The Bad Seed... that is the perfect way of describing not only MY EVIL STEPDAUGHTER but i'm sure most of our stepdaughters lol I bought the movie and played it for the entire family once on purpose, and my stepson actually said she is just like his sister lmaooooo You guys The Bad Seed (1956) black and white. I'm sure you will all enjoy it being that I think it's a great movie and we can relate. Also, the whole stealing from u and putting liquid soap on your toothbrush (to the other mom) sigh... she tried to feed me SHIT (pardon my french) in a "chocolate pudding" once... cleaned my toilet with my son's (from a previous relationship) toothbrush and the list goes on! I have turned so bitter and angry since all these problems came about. I'm hoping they get better as things have improved, but them not being here as much as they used to has helped a lot. But I'm already stressed about the fact they will be here this summer!
Book
A similar idea to the video cam idea. I read a auto-biographical book called "A Round-Heeled Woman" by a woman name Jane Juska. It's a pretty amusing book. This is not the premise but part of her story: She's an English high school teacher and a single mom. To control the unruly students in her class she always kept a little note book and would write down the things her students would say or do. Said she was writing a book and these things would be interesting for her novel. Well the kids became better behaved and became interested in their teacher and whether they were in her book. They responded very positively.
The premise of the book is about Jane putting an ad in the NY Review of books that read: BEFORE I TURN 67 -- next March -- I would like to have a lot of sex with a man I like. If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me. NYR Box 10021
I LOVE it!
I am going to pick that book up ASAP! What a brilliant woman!
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I just put this book on my wish list
I happened to look back here on a whim (because I LOVE the title of this post and someone else commented on it again) and forgot completely about this book suggestion! I saw this author on Oprah once and she is AWESOME!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Charming lady
I saw her speak at a book event. She's a very lovely charming lady. Let me know what you think about the book. I didn't know she was on Oprah, that's great.
I think she was on with Dr Pepper Schwartz
I want to get her book too called Prime.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
if a skid threatened my life...
like your SD did in her note...i'd be gone. and i'd take our baby biodaughter with me. i'd probably leave a note of my own saying "i'm leaving before i get killed. let me know when your daughter is under control or in jail, whichever comes first."
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
good one moody blue
ha ha ha
I really feel for you!
My hubby is the same way with my 9 year old step daughter, but this is over the top. This note needs to be taken very seriously. You may want to consider making a police report, if nothing else, just to document. I hate to say it-but there is actually a statistic on step parent murders. She has some serious resentments combined with very serious mental problems of her own. This needs to be dealt with. Good luck! Keep that letter-you may need it for eveidence. Your husband is no co-parenting with you-this needs to change. you are the queen & he is the king of the house. You are number one, not the skids. He better support you! It took my husband 3 years to get it through his thick skull & he fianlly is starting to get it.
You are right
Do you guys think it's too late to make a police report on that? Since this was last year, summer time? My mom and my aunt and siblings felt the same way. They think I should definitely take it seriously, make a police report to at least have it on record AND mention their mom's calls disrespecting me and all. Like you I also think of the times when step kids killed step parents and that my stepdaughter does have mental issues because how can a 10 yr old write something like that? She's either not all there or her mom and her have plotted my death lol It's kind of funny but it can happen and it has happened. My mom says the authorities will wonder why a child is writing like this and will want to questtion their mother, etc. And I know their mother just HATES ME! Should I go ahead and do it anyway?
School Councilor
Could you take the note to the school councilor for starters. I can't believe your H is going to turn a blind eye to this. I wouldn't forgive him. Your SD reminds me of a friend I knew when we were 12. She was evil to people she didn't like. And boy could she get a hate on. I would not give that kid your love. She's looking to break you, don't give her any ammo. You don't have to be mean to her, although she sounds like she needs a good kick in the rear.
If you wanted to get under SDs skin and your H's, you should befriend the boys she got into trouble. Sorry that was the s*(t disturber in me talking. Best of luck in dealing with this.
Don't let it go
I agree with all - you should not let this go....and maybe you should not be there...if mom is talking to Sd about what a B***h you are maybe she is also talking about how to get rid of you.....
sg
I would also get the camera:)
I forgot to mention
how my hubby recently (in an email conversation with my stepdaugher) tells her how much he loves her which of course he should and that he always will NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE HAS TO SAY. What message is that sending my stepdaugher? That she can call me a bitch and stab me to death and it's ok with daddy!
Yep
It sounds like you don't get much support from your DH when his kids mess up. Which is really sad because eventually them kids are going to grow up and move on and whos gonna be by his side till the end? You. When his kids see how he treats you and when they see that they are getting babied all the time they are probably gonna play into that alot. Instead of blaming the boys at the park for talking bad to his daughter he should of asked each side what happened and then had some apologizes done by both sides, and as far as you finding that note he should have taken her aside with you there also and cronfronted her and made her apologize to you and some grounding for her wouldn't have been bad either.
It sounds like though your DH definitely needs to back you up 100% and trust you on things that you come to him on. If that was me I probably wouldn't stick around if i was in that situation...thats just me though....
And another thing...
as far as your husband's ex calling you names at home. I would just blow her off. Your the better person and not name calling her mom right? so keep your chin up. She sounds like an angry woman inside thats not happy with herself and could be jealous of you. She probably wants you to know that there is name calling about you so that you will get pissed off and leave, but really if your husband doesn't support you and back you up then what do you have?
Since you found that on your
Since you found that on your bed, I would be willing to bet that she put it there with every intention of you finding it. I'm not sure what her motivation would be, but perhaps she gets immense satisfaction in driving a wedge between you and her dad, and is attempting to see how far she can take it...in other words, testing her dad's devotion to her vs. you.
I'm about 99% sure that I would rather be divorced than live my life like you are. I know that's easier said than done with bio kids of your own.
How long have you been married? Has the situation always been like this or has it gotten worse?
Thanks so much
Thanks for all of your support guys, I really appreciate it. Well things have gotten better since the note, luckily! She wrote the note back in July - August of last yr, 2007 and she has only been in my house three times since. Ever since then hubby hasn't been as annoying with the whole his kids issue, except for that email where he said to her I love you no matter what anyone has to say. I do have a son from a previous relationship who he is a great stepfather to, in that part I am happy. I believe that note opened his eyes to his daughter but I hate that it took for all that to take place for him to "believe" me and I guess I won't know if he's really gotten it or if it will be better until they come back and spend yet another summer with us. So I am hoping and praying that thins do for my sanity's and relationship's sake lol. On the other hand their mother does talk about me A LOT and I am 26, she is 36 she calls me a LITTLE BITCH. I think she's jealous that I'm an entire decade younger than her (I'd probably be too if I were her lmao), according to my stepson all she does is talk about me to everyone, but meanwhile when she sees me she smiles and says hello. And I'm not surprised she didn't get mad that her daughter wrote that note, instead she's mad she got caught because she is raising her daughter to be a phony and fake just like her. She wants the daughter to act like an angel in front of daddy and hate me and disrespect me "on the low". I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, when she found out she tok my hubby to court and he was already giving her money every week and paying half of her rent. Now she gets less, but still moe than enough because she didn't know what to do with herself when I got pregnant. She had sent the kids that summer with a camera so they can take pictures of my daughter and even though I didn't know that at first I figured it out after hearing my stepdaughter saying oh no we forgot the camera, we were supposed to have the camera with such urgency and since my stepsons birthday is during the time they're with us, she gets them for that wknd or comes and takes them out for the day (they live in NJ, I live in NYC) so she made sure they had the camera now and I said to my stepdaughter all nicely with a smile on my face (trying to get info out of her) oh that's right your mommy hasn't seen the baby yet right? So this made her feel comfortable and immediately she told me how her mom stressed her to make sure she took a picture of my daughter... so I said (sarcastically and threatening of course) well I tell u what u cannot take pictures of my daughter if your mommy wants to see her that bad tell her to come and knock on my door ok? =) lmaoooo and of course she told her and of course their mother got pissed off. Well the incidents are endless, I can sit here and go on and on about all these situations I've gone through with this woman but I was able to put a stop to it. She won't dare mess with me, that's why she rather smile in my face than to provoke me because although I am civilzed and nice, I've made her cry with my words alone over the phone and I just know she knows its in her best interest to not mess with me other than via her kids because I can't and would never beat them the way I'd beat her lol
That AGE thing makes me laugh
Can you imagine how SCORNED BM is against me? She's actually 12 years YOUNGER than I am; and you know, women are only supposed to be hot when they are young, eh?
BF thinks that is why she is seething with rage, that an old "hag" like me can easily replace her and run rings around her in all aspects of life! Actually I'm MUCH hotter than BM, if i do say so myself; or so i've been told
Did someone mention CAMERA'S????
We have one installed downstairs where our combined kids spend most of their time (when we're not outside)and it's hooked up to our tv in the living room so all we have to do is change the channel to "keep an eye on them"
as to who was doing what to whom.
At first they didn't know about it and it was very revealing
Now that they know it's there....it cut their bullsh** down considerably!!! There are times they forget it's there though and it's really funny when the neighborhood kids come over to play and they get all rowdy and we "bust" them too, they can't figure out how we know they were getting out of hand (besides the noise)until one of our kids tells them, that is.
Even the neighborhood kids' parent's think it's a good idea and are thinking about installing their own cam's
"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"
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