Maroma1984's picture

Super supportive husband ... but still SD issues.

To start this off, I love love love my husband. We have a beautiful daughter together and I'm expecting another child now. Our life is perfect in every way ... except for his horrible first marriage.

His ex-wife and he have been divorced for over 8 years. He wasn't happy and didn't want to spend the rest of his life with a person he wasn't in love with. Of course , she's heart broken and constantly acts out and does things just to get his attention. She once dated a guy that beat her, bringing this man around their daughter. Then she'd call my husband crying telling him how scared she was and he went and taught this man a lesson ... NOT FOR HER but for his daughter's safety. Shortly after all this, we met. We were instantly in love, but his ex-wife stalked our every move. Everything we would do , she'd throw a fit about and bring up that he never did that for her. We got a dog, she threw a fit. We bought a house, she threw a fit. We got married, she cut off the family for almost a year. After dealing with so much crap , I told my husband that she could not call and confide in him as a friend. They were divorced and the only thing she needed to speak to him about was her daughter.

Now that she's been cut off for a few years, she tries to use her daughter to manipulate him. She won't let the SD go visit his family, she ignores their calls, and is constantly feeding her BS information because she's scared that she will lose her daughter to us too.

I'm so sick of it. Through all of this now my SD has become a manipulative little liar and is always trying to take advantage of people. She always has to be the center of attention and if you aren't paying attention to her she runs around whining about how bored she is. It's so freaking irritating! I feel so guilty sometimes because she's a young child, but I really don't like her! I hate that she has a bond with my children. I hate that they are both going to be connected to me and my family for the rest of my lives.

I love my husband though. He told me that he realizes how hard this must be and never expects me to feel like I'm obligated to love his first daughter. He didn't want to have children with his first wife but this is something he has to live with. Not that he doesn't love his daughter.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't find a guy that didn't have all this drama and baggage. Why did I have to fall in love with this guy. What would it have felt like to have him feel all the firsts with me?

I feel so selfish sometimes ... but it bugs me. Especially after days like today when his ex finds out we are having another and starts up her crap again. Last time she requested to raise child support and to avoid court , we agreed to it. I'm sure she'll be trying to do that again this round Sad

Sorry if this is all broken up rambling. I just wanted to get it off my chest!


Maroma1984's picture

Honestly I just want to BM to

Honestly I just want to BM to be happy. She so miserable though she can't find a person to be by her side other than her daughter who HAS to be. She was married once in the time that we've been together but they divorced soon after wards because she is so creepy with the SD. They still took baths together and the SD sleeps with her BM everyday still up to now. Most people don't find this normal. Especially a man had no kids previously and doesn't understand the bonds parents have with children.

Now that we've announced our second baby to SD , she won't let her daughter go visit my mother in law this summer. It just really gets me upset because my mother in law really loves her and just wants to be with her as much as possible before she hits those teen years. I want my SD to be around good people and get good values. She NEEDS them.

When my husband called to confront her about this , she laughed in his face when he said it's his daughter too. She acts like we are having our children in spite of her and the SD. (Like I would seriously give up being a mother for that) She always throws in his face that now he'll understand what it's like to really be a father.

And she wonders why he left her.

I'll make sure to keep up with what you said. I just found out BM has been saying that we take my SD around my parents too much. It scares me that she's going to be trying to get some drama going there.

Naseeb's picture

Past is past and I thin if

Past is past and I thin if you want a good relation then both pf you have to forgot about what happen in past.

Meet Muslim women for dating and marriage.

outtahere's picture

Sorry you are going through

Sorry you are going through this. So many BM's there just arent able to move on. Even ones like ours who was the one who left DH in the first place. We have been subjected to a lot of the behavior you describe here. The 'why didn't you do that for me when we were married?' about doing up the home. Er, because you were a slut and sat on your backside while he did all the work then messed it all up afterwards and never did any cleaning. and so forth.Seems BM's nearly always use their children and especially daughters, who seem more susceptible to their manipulations.

Sadly, I don't have any answers for this. I don't believe it ever goes away. Our BM is, 5 years after the divorce, still without a partner (surprise, surprise), she seems unable to keep a boyfriend (another big surprise) and I often feel that if she did have someone maybe she would stfu for a while. She always has an opinion on the smallest most stupid things and goes against DH on decisions regarding SS12 but never, ever comes up with any help or ideas of her own. In fact she mostly just ignores the boy when he's on visits to her unless there is an issue that she can gripe over then she picks up the ball and runs with it.

Distancing is a good measure. Maybe its best that your DH ignore her stupid comments and only interact with her over important things, preferably by email.

Can your mother in law contact BM directly to ask for access to see the child? In the uk grandparents have a legal right to see their grandchildren after a divorce. Is this the same where you live? I think maybe they should deal with her on that one and maybe apply to the court to see the child.

Don't know if any of this helps.

Best wishes

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary - Dorothy C Fisher

Re: PAS - 'Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope' (Aristotle)

Anon2009's picture

Get a court order about

Get a court order about visitation if you do not have one. Also look into grandparent visitation. And ask the courts to order that BM and SD both get counseling.

Chapter 3, Ecclesiastes, vs. 1-8