sammmx's picture

And the drama continues... Please shoot me. (rant)

I posted on here a few other times about the drama with my boyfriend's BM burning down her kitchen & getting evicted. Around Mother's Day the BM told my boyfriend that after the fire she was asked by Children's Aid to temporarily sign over custody until she could find somewhere else to live. So the 2 year old son came to live with my boyfriend and I full time. From that we then learned that the reason the BM had to sign over custody of her sons (boyfriend's to him, her other son to grandma) is because she admitted to abusing drugs. We suspected she was on drugs but this was the first concrete proof we had - because well, she admitted to it.

So Children's Aid had to come and do a home inspection, run our files and talk to us. I have no idea what the BM told CAS but we were question about OUR supposed excessive abuse of drugs and alcohol? Which is rather amusing because I wouldn't say having a casual drink on the weekends is alcohol abuse. Anyway, CAS was sufficed and things were fine. BM is only allowed supervised visitation at prearragned times at the CAS office once a week.

First visitation was Thursday, my boyfriend had to work so guess who had to bring the 2 year old? You got it - me! Well if that wasn't bad enough, BM lectured me (infront of the social worker) about her son not having a hat when I dropped him off because they were going to the park (no one told me? I was under the impression the visits were at the office). Okay. Whatever. So I came back after the 1 1/2 hours he was supposed to be there for to pick him up, and the 2 year old ran straight to me and hugged me, asking to go home and watch Finding Nemo. BM broke down into crying hysterics about how it wasn't fair. I just kind of stood there awkwardly and told the 2 year old to say goodbye because it was time to leave. She of course is then offended/upset that her son must be 'told' to say goodbye and tells the social worker that she thinks my presence in his life is confusing him about who his mom is (I heard her saying this as I was walking away down the hall). Seriously lady? Stop being a loser drug addict, get a job, find somewhere to live & you can have your damn son back.

Beyond this, since the 2 year old has come to live with us I feel like I have aged 20 years. Spare the two days a week he has day care, I am his sole care giver. Atleast it feels like. My boyfriend works usually until 6-7pm, and since I'm currently unemployed apparently this seems fair to my boyfriend. I mean, I don't mind sometimes but I feel like I'm a stay at home mom. And if I'm going to be doing this I would much rather it would be to my own child. Because I do everything for this boy & no matter what I'm never going to be any more to him than his father's girlfriend. My boyfriend is going away for 3 days next weekend to a convention that we've known about since the winter. Originally he and I were going to go together. But guess what? Now that his son lives here, my boyfriend is going away with his friend and I am staying here to watch the child. Sometimes I just feel so bitter and taken advantage of. I cook, clean, raise his child, and what do I get in return? Urgh.

I feel like I have a long life ahead of me. Rant over.


Delilah's picture

If you feel like you are

If you feel like you are suffocating now and feel resentful of how much everyone is relying on you, then you need to address it now. As guess what? The longer this continues the more YOU are creating a rod for your own back by accepting the arrangements as it is.

Yep, am sure you are doing it for your ss's and bf's behalf and because you care about them however if you don't take care of YOU first then you will regret it. This doesnt mean you stop helping out and supporting your bf, however it does mean you step out of the "mommy" role and let bf be the main person responsible for managing his ex and her access. Like hell would I accept being lectured to by the BM or having to hear derogatory comments made about me, when I was helping facilitating access as a result of HER f*ck up. Ok, I appreciate it must be hard having to see what she has BUT how is that your fault? Its not and I have no patience for it I am afraid.

By enduring it and continuing to do all the things you are, then all these people will continue to take advantage of you, put upon you without asking if its acceptable or even discussing the stucture of child care arrangements with you.

Besides which I am sure you have your hands full looking for a job? How does your bf expect you to juggle all that and what is his plans for when you do find a job?!!!

Orange County Ca's picture

Delilah who posted above is

Delilah who posted above is right on. This child is going to be in your life forever. Maybe Mom will get custody back some day but maybe not. If not guess who Daddy is going to count on to take care of the kid? Even if Daddy puts the kid in day care because you get a job guess who takes care of the kid the rest of the time? If Mom gets custody back guess who will be taking care of the kid on vacations and holidays?

Look you're a young woman who has no responsibilities in this world. There is no reason for you to take on this one since you don't want it and who can blame you. I know its a lot of work to end a relationship, very emotional too, and go back out into the dating scene. But compared to the lifetime of work caring for a child unrelated to you .... well there is no comparison. One to 1000 maybe? 10,000?

There are millions of men out there without children.

******************

I've observed humans for 70 years and dogs for 10. I prefer the dogs.

mizcece's picture

Sam take my advice, " Make

Sam take my advice, " Make him find a babysitter!" Trust me I have been there! I have been telling my hubby since I met him (5 yrs ago) my kids are grown and I don't babysit. Just this past week SD11 came to visit with him for the entire summer (May-Aug). Since we are married now, I was trying not to be so harsh about babysitting and figured I would watch her periodically while he was working; I found out my mother was in the hospital critically ill and I told him I would not be able to watch his daughter. He agreed to send her with her godmother for this week and his mother for next week but has asked me again to watch her on her third week of visiting until she returns to her BM in CO in August. I just ignored him and didn't really pay him any attention because I refuse to get into a battle with someone over supervision of THEIR child. I said all of this to tell you that you shouldn't have allowed it from day one but I understand why you did it. Now is the time for you to put your foot down! I fell into the guilt role of offering to watch my SD because I too am unemployed at this time but once I found out my mother is so ill, all of that went out the window! It does not matter if you sit home on your butt and watch soap operas all day, that is not your child! It is okay if you want to occasionally assist him with child care but it should NEVER EVER become a burden for you or a problem for you. Force him to take responsibility for his child, after all the visits are for her to spend time with him not you!

CSA's picture

You should not have taken teh

You should not have taken teh child to CAS. That is his job, so do not ever do it again. You now know what the next 20 years of so will be for you, becasue even in teh early 20's kids are WORK!

If you dont like it now, then it prob best for you to leave or try to work it out so he knows its his job, NOT YOURS, to care for his daughter.

You can help, but he is the primary caregiver.