nc stepmom's picture

I hate my stepkids too :( I CRINGE just thinking about them coming over

I feel terrible and I do recognize my feelings and keep swearing to myself I will change. but, as soon as his kids come over, my anger and rage appears and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

They aren't even bad kids, just annoying to me. I have two of my own and they aren't dream children either. I feel so guilty because my husband is nice to my kids and we try to do activities with them. I would rather die than do anything with his kids. I have a ten and twelve year old (girl and boy). He has FOUR kids (19, 16, 13 and 10).

The 19 year old is fine mostly; I just think it's stupid to allow him to continue to not get his lisence. He is a sophomore in college for God's sake! The 13 year old boy is about as mature as a 9 year old, and I am not exaggerating. He still wants to hold his dad's hand when they go somewhere and has stuffed animals in his room. My 12 year old would rather die, he just wants to play sports and be a boy. I try to bve understanding, but I just can't stop it.

And, his 10 year-old who used be self-sufficient, has now started cuddling with him all the time and showing her puppy dog eyes to get her way, not to mention whining all the time.

Like I said, my kids are no dream, but they don't act this immature and it's driving me crazy. I make comments that are rude and inappropriate and it's driving a wedge in my marriage already. We've only been married since February and I get that this takes a while to work, but I did know the kids for four years before.

I'm wondering if I should just stay somewhere else when they come over. I hibernate in my room a lot to prevent saying rude things, but that gets so old and I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

Thanks for listening!


hippiegirl's picture

I'm no stranger to the

I'm no stranger to the hibernating in the bedroom thing. It sucks that we SM's have to resort to that sh!t, just so we can feel halfway comfortable in our own homes!

mimom3kids's picture

It is sad -- thankfully I

Barf! It is sad -- thankfully I only have to endure it for a weekend! I hate when she walks in my house, and just takes over!

JayS's picture

Funny thing..I'm recently

Funny thing..I'm recently separated, mainly as a result of how I treated my stepkids. I actually didn't do anything wrong to them...just did as many of you do and hide in the bedroom. My wife has told me a few times since we've been living apart that she hated it that I hid away and didn't bond with her kids. I don't waste my breath now in trying to explain myself to her. I felt horrible for hiding, but it was a last resort. The kids ran the house. SS was violent, (killed a cat out of rage, attacked me, broke things) and sneaky. SD was mouthy as all hell and defiant. Mom did very little to give them direction. I was at my wit's end, and so I withdrew. Now my wife tells me how terrible I was for hiding away. I almost laugh inside...she's denied that there are serious issues with her children from day one. I don't hate them at all..I just was not able to influence them for the better, for whatever reason I wasn't that guy who had infinite patience to even approach that mess. I feel badly for my wife, as she seems to be stuck in coddle mode. The kids are now 13 and 14 The pattern for their life is ingrained now. When troubles arise (but I do hope that they can live happy lives) in the future, she will have to understand where they began, and I really don't think that she sees where the kids started to stumble in their childhood, and where she may have stumbled in raising them. She's content to blame me, and that is truly sad.

JDS

beaccountable's picture

JayS....((HUGS)) clinically,

JayS....((HUGS)) clinically, when a child kills an animal there is Sooo much more going on that is troublesome and extremely concerning. Your ex's son, needs to be in therapy and I dont mean therapy with a social worker I mean a Phd.

If there are any words of comfort I can offer it would be : Count your blessings for not being under the same roof as your ex and her children who based on what little you shared, need a lot of help. The next set of problems or occurrences could have been devastating. Until her and her chidren are healthier, do NOT reconnect. MOM is at fault here,,,not you for backing away from this.

I'd rather be alone then to spend one second being unhealthy with you.

Attachment-based “parental alienation” is not a child custody issue, it is a child protection issue...
Dr. Craig Childress

JayS's picture

Thank you for your supportive

Thank you for your supportive words! In many ways I want to save our marriage...I believe that marriage is for life. But as you pointed out, there are issues that she's not even close to facing with her children. I know that in her own childhood, her dad was an aggressive drinker (though he has quit drinking)Every story she's told me somehow sees her scurrying to comply with dad's wishes as he has a tirade about dirty dishes or something equally small. Somewhere in time she shut down inside I think and to her, these issues with her kids are not a big deal...either that or the fear of facing them is far too great for her. And as much as I love her, you are correct...to reconnect to this volatile situation is going to drag me down. I hope that somehow we can in fact work this out, but I see no answer in sight.

JDS

Cfurni's picture

Geez, where do I start with

Geez, where do I start with home much I sympathize with you? I love my fiance so much but I HATE when his children come over (Twins boy and girl age 3, boy age 2). I instantly become in a bad mood as soon as I hear them come out of the car. Not one of them are potty trained and the twins are almost 4! Not one of them has an audible speech to where you can understand what they are saying.I have a 4 1/2 daughter that has digressed because she sees them going potty in their pants and she wants to act like a baby too. The BM makes no effort into potty training them or teaching them much of anything. They are so far behind where they should be, its clear that all she does is stick them in front of the T.V. The amount of money that he gives her no diapers and wipes and other things on top of child support is ungodly. The twin SS is so badly behaved, he will run away when I try to put him in the car, he makes the worst messes, and his poop stinks so bad it makes me vomit. What is worse is that my fiance shows favoritism towards the twin SS, and he is who I cannot stand the most.My SD does this grunt sound when she is mad that puts me over the edge and the littlest one cries over everything. I am pregnant with my fiance's child and do not know how I am going to handle having my step children around and a newborn. My SC are so aggressive with the animals we have I am terrified once the baby arrives that they will harm him in some sort of way. I am at my wits end. This past weekend really made me think. As I looked around at all the messes,and the broken toys that I bought my BD for her birthday, and the dirty stinky diapers in the garbage..I don't know if I should leave or make him? I have tried so hard to be tolerant with these kids and their BM but the thought of one of them living with us in the future makes me sick. My fiance doesn't understand why I always want to segregate myself from them.

TASHA1983's picture

OMG!!! THIS IS A FUCKING

OMG!!! THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE... Jawdropping!

I would run soooo far awy from this bullshit not even God Himself could stop me! I feel so bad for you hun, I could not and would NOT live like this for one single solitary second more. You, your BD, and your unborn child deserve SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN this life that you have settled, yes I said settled for. Sad

NOT my kid....NOT my problem!!!

Your kid makes me want to overdose on birth control!!!

Fine Dublin's picture

What age are you? I'm 40 I

What age are you?
I'm 40
I had 15 years of this
If I knew what I know now I would have run for the hills
And the older the kids get the MORE difficult it gets
I'm now at the stage where there is a faint light at the end of the tunnelll
Good luck

tommar24365's picture

Why in the hell would you

Why in the hell would you have a child with a man that has 2-3 year olds and a 2 year old??? You cant of known him that long and his hands are full as it is! Hes going to have 4 kids under 4!!

BT16's picture

I completely agree. Why do I

I completely agree. Why do I always feel like the third wheel and/or that I am walking on egg shells around my SD? I hibernate in my room and miss out on time with my own kids because my SD makes me uncomfortable in my own house. Sucks!

doublell's picture

I'm so glad I read this...I'm

I'm so glad I read this...I'm always being told all of my feelings are just ME! I do the hibernate in the bedroom thing too. My stepdaughter is very immature for her age, nosey, hangs all over her father, (she is 15). When anyone says anything in another room she automatically asks what we're talking about...everytime...

MrsCancer1973's picture

Its TRULY messed up that we

Its TRULY messed up that we have to do this - IN OUR OWN HOUSE - just to get away from the asshole SKs

Miss-Step's picture

NC Stepmom, your feelings

NC Stepmom, your feelings sound normal to me. I have spent my share of time hibernating in my bedroom when 3-skids and 1 BD lived under one roof (full-time, BM deceased). Spoiledbratagain is correct, let DH be the mom. Unfortunately, it is their little quirks that are irritating you, but they are individuals and you just have to put up with them. They may all be feeling a little sense of loss of some sort - hence the immature behaviors to seek attention and getting it from the father, (whom I assume they don't live with full time...?) If they live with BM, they may not be getting all the attention they need and missing father?? (again, just guessing - don't know the story...)

But, while skids are in your home, you and DH make the rules to however you want things to be handled - rule-wise. If they are living up to those 'house rules' - and it is just annoying personalities, while I feel for you (and understand), it is just good that you can vent here about it. Just try to keep an even keel an dif you feeling 'annoyed' - step away.

You could discuss with DH and then have a family meeting with all to let them (and yourself) share how they are feeling about things. (I'm sure it is odd for them too). Just a suggestion. You are validated in your "Cringe"

Mrsbmckee's picture

OMG 4 skids! Thats awful!!! I

OMG 4 skids! Thats awful!!! I can't stand my skids coming over and I am mean to my husband about it. I have been taking some Xanax before they come over to help calm me down and it really seems to help.

mimom3kids's picture

I find drinking does! I

I find drinking does! I generally drink wine from Friday - Sunday.

jneill72's picture

I may take that advice. I

I may take that advice. I need to do something to make it through, although the skids live with us...
Oh, God help me!!!

almostwickedSM's picture

I am terrified that one or

I am terrified that one or both of my future skids will ask to come live with their dad. I have a strong feeling that will be the final straw on this camel's back. I can barely tolerate having them here when they are here just for a weekend or random day now and then. God Bless You!

devastated's picture

Amen to the bottle...problem

Amen to the bottle...problem for me is my skids are here 24/7 365 a year. Almost ready to go into residential treatment myself just to get a break.

Fine Dublin's picture

I'm now drinking wine for 15

I'm now drinking wine for 15 years!!!! Lol

LooneyBird's picture

I've had my fair share of

Eye-wink I've had my fair share of staying in my bedroom, drinking myself into a stupor, & I'm taking a prescription also.
This week hubby & I are trying a self created "reset button". When the skids come, including the 27 yr old "boy", we are reestablishing our homes ground rules. IF the ex will stay out of our time, things should go smoother than in the past.
Remember, we are the grown ups even though our nerves are causing a physical reaction to our body. Like stomach tremors, uncontrollable outbursts of anger (we're mad, but can't get the point across).
If us stepparents allow these little brats to disrespect us, they surely will!
Stay strong & believe in yourself. Your home is your place of refuge. Protect that.
Now, I'll see if I can do the same.

Phil 4:13

AA0708's picture

OMG mine live with me full

OMG mine live with me full time both bm and mil are both from hell too!!!! Sk eat almost everything want us to buy them stuff all the time. The one put poop all over the bathroom. The other is always telling mil and bm stuff about me and my kids.

OMG_Why_Me's picture

I too find myself hiding in

I too find myself hiding in my bedroom to get away from SD (15) and SS (11). SD particularly drives me crazy. She is so incredibly spoiled. Our vacations are planned around her every year because she has so many activities. she is flying to Florida after her weekend stuff and is complaining that she has to wait a few extra hours because the airfare is less. We're even keeping my 20 YO son home to fly with her because she won't fly alone. My 22 YO BD wants to fly back a day early to go to one of her best friends weddings and I'm told by my husband that she should have to pay for the flight herself. We can fly two people to vacation for his daugher but my daughter has to pay for everything herself because she's older. The only reason we picked the week we did was to accomodate his daughter. I feel if we do for one we should do for all of them.

SS has ADHD that isn't well controlled yet. He can't seem to sit still on a couch, he's contantly kicking people jumping around the room and screaming to talk. Dad constantly forgets to give him his medicine. It's always me.

Neither SK will take a shower regularly or brush their teeth. I am the one who is constantly reminding them to take better care of themselves. Dad just sits and plays his video games and ignors the bad behavior. He hates conflict (as we all do) so he just pretends its' not happening.

I'll cook dinner, then do the dishes and clean up after all of them. When I'm done and can finally sit down in the living room to relax, they're all spread out over the furniture and there's no room for me......so back in the bedroom I go. I'm ignored by them, cook and clean for them and then expected to just go away until they need me again.

when DH and I have a few mintues to actually try and talk about something, his children are constantly interrupting the conversation. talking over me and ignoring that fact that I was talking. DH will answer them and respond to them regardless of what they want to talk about. If it was an emergency or something I would understand but they interrupt just to control the conversation and he lets them.

I know it sounds aweful to feel this way but I just don't like these kids, and it's creating a terrible wedge between me and my husband. I've never felt this way about children. Everyone that meets them comments to me about how bad and rude they are. Even their own adult cousin doesn't like them. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to loose their father, but I can't stand being around them. PLEASE HELP!

"Be the bigger person by ignoring the drama, and walking away!"

Express's picture

I hide away as well. The boy

I hide away as well. The boy is 5 and yet it acts like a girl. when i hear they are coming i want to run for the hills. The little rodents always want things. all i hear is "are you gonna buy me this" UUUUH NO go back home rodents and and your mother to buy it. Husband and I have just had our own baby together and with me not liking his brats makes it harder on our relationship. I can't stand them and I wish they would never darken our doorstep again. I've tried to bond with the boy and the girl but i just cant and i dont want them near my new baby. they are always sick as well

mylena8's picture

I'm always hiding!!!!!! I'm

I'm always hiding!!!!!!
I'm so glad to find this website. I have a new baby (well 7months now) and I thought I would ease up with having my boyfriend and his daughter around my baby! But I can't! When his daughter (6 years old) is not with us I'm fine/happy! And I'm fine with him near our daughter. But as soon as Wednesday comes my mood switches like a light switch! He even comments on it and there has been numerous times when I just have to leave. I say things under my breath which causes him to scream at me. I just can't stand the brat of his. She's whiny, needy, clingy, wants everything but has absolutely no manners, expects me to buy her things yet always tells me no when I try to get her to do her homework to take a bath or eat the scrumptious dinner I provide! Her own mom doesn't care to bathe the damn kid and I'm doing everything but get no respect. Her father (my boyfriend) only babies her when she gives me a rough time. I throw my hands up! I want to be with this man but I can't be expected to do for this kid but have zero parental rights I.e. punishment for bratty behavior. I'm done. I'm still here because we have a baby together but I will not put his brat before my baby! His little girl even said my baby was "annoying" her!!! I had to walk away before I really said something they wouldn't like and yet my boyfriend yelled at me for walking away! It's a lose/lose! He even screamed at me the other morning waking my baby up! Because he waited until the last minute to wake his daughter for school and expected me to do it! So I got up and tried and the brat threw a fit over wanting different cereal then because she wanted to watch cartoons etc. etc. my boyfriend only babied her which caused me to just walk away! I didn't want to leave my baby in the room to deal with that! So he yelled and screamed and I was so fed up with getting yelled at that I told him he's not my family and that girl is not my family my baby is all my family! He had the nerve to tell me that MY baby is not the world! Excuse me, she is MY world!

thiaflindz68's picture

that sounds just like my

that sounds just like my life. My 19 month old still hasn't gotten a chance to learn to sleep thru the night because my husband doesn't want his daughter to be woken in the night by my toddler crying so my toddler is now spoiled to being picked up everytime she wakes and cries in the night. and shes spoiled to sleeping in same bed as me. i have to get up with her at least 5 or 6 times every night for the past 19 months. my husband sleeps in a different room and doesn't help at all because he works and therefore cant help everything revolves around sd

Generic's picture

Maria from The Sound of

Maria from The Sound of Music! I.love.it

stepped-on-sm's picture

I know it sounds mean, but

I know it sounds mean, but Ive been slowly disengaging.
I've left more & more stuff up to dad to provide and arrange, I let him know he needs to make arrangements; we have a color coded calendar in the dining room so everyone is aware of everyone else's schedule & appointments.
I only mention something once to him and if he doesn't follow through on getting what she needs & missing out, that is their problem not mine, yeah it sucks for SD but I'm no longer everyone's slave.
I recently made it be known if SD was going to skirt her responsibility in her kitchen duties I wouldn't be cooking dinner for them.
so far they havent died of starvation and I am cooking for myself meals I like.

~Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality.
~I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.
~It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
~Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up

Gsgw123's picture

I think you're right. His

I think you're right. His kid, therefore his problem to schedule and care for him or her. Too many guys leave this up to the step mom (and bio moms, too!). Why is it "disengaging" to take on the man's general level of child care responsibilities, anyway?

I like that you are not reacting, and just allowing your hubby to deal with the consequences of his inaction. Totally acceptable Smiling

doublell's picture

AMEN to that!!!!

AMEN to that!!!! Sticking out tongue

MrsCancer1973's picture

Great response Gsgw123!

Great response Gsgw123!