My ex wife and I have been divorced going on 5 years now. We were married for 5 years, and have an 8 year old son between us. Since the divorce my son and his mother have lived far away cross country, and my exposure has been limited to X number of visits per year. My son and ex really do not know much about my life, and though I get good updates regarding my son, I do not really know much about my ex's life now. After a long period of divorce and separation grief from my ex and son, I've just now gotten back in the dating game again. When/if the day comes that I should decide to remarry, what is the best approach to announcing my new partner/fiance to my son and ex. I have some anxiety about how to discuss it with my ex because my new wife would be the new step-mother to my son, and would thus attain a level of authority and influence over my son during the times I have shared custody and visits. I'm also anxious about how to introduce the current love of my life to the former love of my life. Definitely awkward moments. I know there is no single correct answer to this, but any advice and opinions would be appreciated.
I'm not an expert...
but I would start by talking about her when you're pretty sure she's "the one" and not wait until you're engaged, unless you plan to have a lengthy engagement. That way, your son isn't introduced to the idea of someone else in your life and then immediately having to deal with the fact that she's all of a sudden your new wife.
If you and your ex are amicable, I would say that the first time they meet will certainly be awkward, but only until everyone gets used to the situation. As long as you know that you're with someone who's a good person and will be good to your son, you don't have anything to answer for. Good luck.
Cygnus...
If your relationship is serious w/the your girlfriend then I think it's okay to introduce them to your son & ex. If you are just going to date a couple of women then I suggest you wait til you know you are serious about one person and then introduce. I don't think that would be a problem, be honest and staight-forward. Better to know early than never. They need time to adjust...give it time. Behavior & attitude might change so expect that.
Meeting the mother of my Fiance's daughter
My fiance and I have been engaged for 7 months and since then we've experienced a few set backs, but we have finally gotten on track and are planning to marry soon, but I have a few concerns because he has not told his daughter's mother about our engagement and I'm tired of asking him when he will. What should I do?
I would consider yourself
I would consider yourself lucky! You don't have to validate your relationship to her. Would you expect him to call all of his ex girlfriends to tell them? Let her find out the same way everyone else does. I don't think it needs to be made into a separate announcement just for her. How is the relationship otherwise? Is she on speaking terms with you regarding your fiance's and her child? That's all you need. Keep your business your own. I don't think an ex is entitled to an announcement of that sort. Then again...I don't know the details of the situation. We scheduled our wedding on a weekend when we knew we had his children and never made her aware...though I'm sure she is.
I have to disagree with the
I have to disagree with the last comment. I think that the ex deserves a separate announcement. I believe that anything that affects the children, and the introduction of a future step-parent is something that deeply affects the children, should be respectfully addressed to the ex.
I agree with keeping your business your own, but this is the children's business and must be announced!
The last comment seemed disrespectful. Our exes deserve respect despite the dissolution of the marriage. And, it is always better to take the high road and show respect when there are children involved. Remember, the children are watching and learning from our behavior.
My partner introduced me to the EW and SK's at a BBQ
In the early days of our relationship my partners held a BBQ at his house and invited me, along with his friends, family and EW, and EW's family (whom he still had a strong attachment to at the time).
So I was shown off to all for judgement (with my Bio daughter).
The EW told my partner that my teenage Bio daughter had the hots for him (she just 'picked up a vibe' about it). When he told me what the EW had said I laughed and laughed. Luckily, he has long since learnt that she is a manipulative bitch.
That was the beginning of her attempts to manipulate and control our relationship. I remember, some time later, when we decided to move in together and buy a home, she wanted to come up and inspect the house we were considering. WTF did it have to do with her???
Now three years later, we are marrying (September) and she is still up to the 'drama' tricks to get attention back. But no matter what she pulls, we are happy and nothing will stop us from marrying and being happy.
When you are ready to move forward with your personal life and meet someone special, it probably won't be easy, but you can get through it if you support your new partner and put her first (not the EW).
Kids adjust, in my experience, it takes a lot of time, and they can do and say quite a lot of hurtful things along the way. Then, one day your SK's tell you they love you, or they kiss you on the cheek for no reason, or they just want to hang around you. Then you know that things are settling into place again.
Good luck...............
Oh my goodness, your story
Oh my goodness, your story felt familiar in some ways. My husband's ex wanted to inspect our house too, on the premise that it was where her kids are going to be spending their time. Uh, no. She wanted to inspect it because she is NOSY. She practically camped outside our closed bedroom door waiting to be invited to "check it out" until I shooed her out the door.
I agree that you should wait until you're pretty sure she is "the one" before letting her meet your kids. That's what my husband did, and then he introduced me as a friend. The kids caught on quickly, of course, and asked if we were dating. We said yes. Asked if we were going to get married. Yes. Asked if we were going to have a baby...Yes. They asked what they wanted to know, and I think they were comfortable because they only asked what they were comfortable hearing about.
My husband told his ex-wife he was dating, I'm guessing to head off any stories from the kids. If you're uncomfortable talking to her, the kids will break the news for you, no doubt.
Step Parent
I am a step parent.M
straight away
to give them chance to run (no offence ) but in my situation ive gotten my self into if i would have met his 3 screaming rude little brats before i fell in love with him i would have gone i dont feel the stress is worth it and it wouldnt of hurt me back then like it would now! the sooner you start to introdue your new woman to the children i feel the easyer it will be !
and always always always try to involve your new woman and never undermind her autority !
remember all the comment on this site its not easy fro su step moms
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
do what is right at the time
i dont think there is any easy way to start introducing everyone.
kids, do it slowly. being there is a distance between you makes it a little easyer because you can date many people but when the one is it then you can make that choice at that time. as far as the EW goes. I have seen my hubbys EX face to face twice and got in one argument on the phone 2 years ago and i havent talked to her since. i've been with my husband for 6 years. she made NO attempt to get to know me, and it took her five years to come to my house to pick up SS and see where he lived. eather she didnt care or she really trusted my hubby that hes in good hands
( my SS also lives in another state so we only see him for 6 weeks in the summer and everyother christmas)(and she HAS been back in this state to visit many times.) the only reason she came to my house was because in the argument on the phone i asked her what kind of mom doesnt even know what or where her son lives and it still took her a year to see his home. If everyone gets along it should go well, my husband never made a formal into. with her and i which was fine with me bacause knowing what i know about her i cant stand her one bit. if you dont get along then who cares your business is your business. I felt it was HER place to get to know the women in HER childs life, not my job to get to know her. good luck
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