more manipulative bullsh*t
ss8 just learned a few weeks ago, FINALLY, to get a pair of socks onto his feet by himself. So, keep this in mind as you continue to read the post. He is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of doing it.
Yesterday morning my mom was here with the kids getting them ready for school. ss8 tells her he can't get the socks on. she has arthritis in her hands and has a hard time manipulating them in the mornings. she told him she'd get them on the tops of his feet and he had to pull them on. he said he couldn't do it. so she sent him to school with socks half pulled onto one foot and i guess crooked on the other. I did not even know about this until today.
ss8 is with me this morning and tells me he can't get his socks on. i told him that he puts them on everday and he needed to do it. has a complete fit, throws the socks at me and sits on his fat ass and folds up his arms at me. i called dad on the phone and made him address the kid. still not budging. finally dad says just send him in his sneakers with no socks on.
I told dad I would sooner chew off my own arms and legs with my teeth than allow this kid to get his way. SERIOUSLY??? I told him that there was no way in holy hell I was letting this kid manipulate me the way he manipulates everyone else around him when he doesnt' want to do something. Dad's like 'i'm at work what do you want me to do'...I said, I don't care if you have to drive all the way home, if you hang up on me, i'm driving this kid shoe and sockless to your work and dropping him the hell off. I forced dad to stay on the phone with me/him until the kid complied.
How do I get dad to SEE how hard this kid is to handle and why I need help? If the kid wins over me on any level, he'll think he can manipulate me all the time, why can't dad see this? ughhhh....
Don't make the kid wear
Don't make the kid wear socks.
Simple.
I'm all about natural consequences.
His feet will stink and sweat. He may get blisters. Kids may tease him.
All sorts of possibilities.
But don't force him to wear socks. Let him learn from his own natural consequences.
***ETA: Wait, this kid is AUTISTIC?? WTF are you doing?? Yikes. There are MUCH, much better ways to handle this child.
WTF am I doing? demanding
WTF am I doing? demanding that he dress himself, like i would any other kid. this autism label is BULLSHIT, there i said it. this kid knows how to fucking get dressed. he would NEVER EVER act like this for his FATHER, so he's not gonna act like this for me, because if he does, dad's gonna have to find him somewhere else to go everyday, and not be with me cuz i've had it.
The "autism label is
:jawdrop:
The "autism label is bullshit???"
Are you a licensed physician?
An autism specialist?
Wow. Just wow.
Perhaps this isn't the best situation for you. Perhaps there's something out there that would be a better fit for all of you.
My original advice still stands: let the kid skip the socks.
don't need to be, dad's been
don't need to be, dad's been raising this kid from birth with NO AUTISM INTERVENTIONS absolutely ZERO until i came into the picture and told him there was something wrong with his kid. So, that's 5 years of treating a kid like a normal kid, having the same expectations as you would from any other kid. we start giving all these kids the 'poor baby' treatment our world's gonna go to hell in a handbasket. we're half way there already. my opinion too still stands....kid's a manipulative little shit when he CHOOSES to be, yes I said CHOOSES because he certainly never CHOOSES to act this way for his father, therefore I know it's controllable. Guess we'll have to 'agree to disagree' on this one!
it is crap, the 'oh poor ss8
it is crap, the 'oh poor ss8 he has autism, he can't do anything for himself' is complete and utter bullshit. why do we send him to physical and occupational therapy then if he's not expected to be able to do anything. like i said, he can put on socks, i've watched him do it over and over again. clearly this is an 'i'm a lazy shit and don't feel like it and iw ant you to do it for me' action. well guess what, i got dad on the phone and the kid listened, which PROVES he knows how to listen and understands consequences, JUST LIKE A NORMAL KID DOES. i'm not babying him, if it comes to me needing to do that, i'm out!
ankle socks he can put on,
ankle socks he can put on, crew socks too....simply made a choice this morning to try to give me the 'fuck you' treatment....didn't work
i think u think the autism is
i think u think the autism is 'bullshit' cause u already hate the kid so it wouldnt matter to you either way. your expectations of this kid are NOT going to happen.
just leave your husband. u are emotionally abusing this child. he has something wrong with him beyond his control and u are acting as if he has a high IQ but doesnt use his brain for YOU. maybe he hates u as well and chooses to act out for u---OR MAYBE HE HAS AUTISM AND UR TOO LAZY TO READ UP ON IT.
I assure you i'm not too
I assure you i'm not too lazy, i've read all the literature on autism , been reading it since i started dating dad 3 years ago. But I also know that this kid is CAPABLE OF DRESSING HIMSELF, so why should I not expect him to do so??? Autism gives him free reign to act any way he likes, any time he feels like it? NO, I THINK NOT. It will hurt the kid FAR WORSE if dad and I hold ZERO expectations for him. How will he ever succeed in life like that? Should the school also hold no expectations for him, he's in a regular classroom with regular kids? should he be able to run around teh room, throw books, chairs, desks, draw on other kids, hell, why not let him hit others too while he's at it, I mean, he has AUTISM so shouldn't we just let it slide???? Do you hear how you sound????
I understand he can most
I understand he can most likely put socks on/dress himself etc and he was just being a pain, but WOW if this kids has been diagnosed with Autism, maybe you should try a different approach, cause form what I have read here I imagine you standing in his room towering over him pointing your finger and yelling "PUT YOUR SOCKS ON" and then to call and get his dad on the phone. You are making yourself look like a tattletail. That will never help to have him gain any respect for you! Dh needs to have a talk with the kid and say, when it is time to get ready, you get ready. Or find a babysitter for the kid.
my 2 biokids have special
my 2 biokids have special needs too....there are still 'expectations' for behavior, at home and at school. I'll feel bad when the kid is being teased at school because he's in high school gym class and can't get changed into his gym clothes because nobody ever expected him to do it for himself.
i agree, venting is one
i agree, venting is one thing. i, too, have a special needs child. she does not have physical features of a disability, which makes it hard for anyone but her father and i to understand her behaviors sometimes.
i have expectations for my bd as well, but have come to the understanding that somethings she just simply doesnt get yet. for example, 2 years ago i still had to carry her from house to car. or else she'd try to run down the street. we finally got through to her that cars can hurt her so now she can finally hold my hand from house to car and vice versa. she is 5 about to be 6.
its a learning process for both bd and myself. sometimes i still view her as a toddler cause certain things she does resemble that of a toddler. it isnt her being a 'baby' for me or 'acting out' only for me. in school she is different a little, but that is normal, especially for special needs kids. different environment, different people....im a little more leinent (sp?) than say her teacher on certain things....
i dont find this woman to be emotionally equipped to deal with someone else's special needs child. just my opinion. i feel for the boy as well...he must feel so inadequate when with her and must feel the hatred....
i dont baby her tho. the way
i dont baby her tho. the way i see it, the more i 'expect' a behavior and keep at it with her, one day it will click. it isnt easy, but for example since she came home from nicu at 5weeks old, i established a bedtime routine. she had no clue what town she lived in, much less routine, but i stuck with it and never had to coaleep until we moved into our recent home, and that was my bad cause her new room was so small and took longer to get together when we moved in. i didnt think a few nights with mommy n daddy would shake her from falling asleep in her own room but it did--my mistake. now here at grandma's, i am getting her back to that and so far has been ok. im rambling im sorry
I understand you. I work with
I understand you. I work with children with Autism on the entire spectrum. They ARE capable. They SHOULD be held to standards. They will do as much as YOU expect out of them. It is important to not bend on expectations. They will become innately lazy and refuse to do tasks that they can if they can get away with it. They are children. We have certain things set in place to motivate these students and if you don't have anything, I suggest you put something in place. This is good for all kids not just ASD.
Finally!!! i'm a teacher
Finally!!! i'm a teacher too, must be the same mindset of "no one rises to LOW expectations"
I agree witht he above
I agree witht he above poster. As a teacher, I work with autistic kids and there are so many degrees of it.
I had a pretty severe case last year and he could most certainly dress himself.
Yes, things are harder for them, but they must have expectations.
SS has special needs. DH
SS has special needs. DH didn't see this or act on this for 5 years! SS deals with parents split and DH carries guilt for way more than you could possibly imagine. I don't envy your situation. Th child needs to have guidance. Try being nice. SS is capable of understanding (as you stated) so choose. Treat him like he is disabled or don't but choose. If he doesnt then say please and thank you and go on about your day. My ss is 8 as well and I give direction and that is it. Parents can only teach right and wrong and hope like hell that the child grows to know the the difference themselves. Be patient. If you love dh try talking to him about how HE feels. No offense but there is a lot more going on than the sock thing. Let DH know he can let go of some of the guilt and help his son. And that you can do it together. If you can't really be there for him and his family, perhaps it is too much. We have all come to this crossroad. I say none of this in judgement. THIS IS TOUGH! Hang in there. No one will judge you for doing what it takes to make you happy. The difference between empathy and sympathy: Sympathy=seeing their situation from your perspective. Empathy=seeing their situation from their perspective. Find out DH's perspective and perhaps you may find out a way to help the whole family.
I don't really know why you
I don't really know why you are being criticized here. The kid has autism...okay- and obviously you did NOT look at him and yell at him for having it - you only said it on here "venting" out of annoyance... BUT you said - he CAN dress himself and you've seen it. I don't think this has anything to do with autism...I think it's literally him being a pain in the ass. Just to prove a point he doesn't have to listen. He is 8. I did community service as a side thing with kids will all kinds of disabilites and mental illnesses - and the main things we taught them were life skills (hygiene, dressing, etc.) and I assure you - all of these children (minus the children who were severe with mental illness in wheelchairs)could indeed dress themselves. I would do what other posters are saying - make him endure the pain of SMELLY feet! Surely - he will start to smell this odor by himself and HATE it.
My SD8 will find all kinds of things wrong with her clothing. And trust me - this kid hardly gives me any issues at all and I've been with her since she was 2 and doesn't drive me anywhere near as insane as her older sister. She will get dressed - and 20 minutes later...something is wrong. My sock "feels funny." my jeans "feel funny" - granted these are the jeans she wore here yesterday and never said a word) - there's something "weird" with my tshirt...I finally gave up and refuse to play her games so - I say - okay - be naked. She of course thinks about it and gives me the "are you insane?" look...and it's over. I think its just something kids do to drive us nutty!
He is already learning how to
He is already learning how to push your buttons. You are the parent think of ways to make hhim put on his socs.Being autistic might be playing a part in this also. try practing on the days you are off and reward him not nothing major or he will come to expect things, but maybe watch a favorite movie with him. Sometimes we have to play pshycologist with our step kids, I know I do. Putting them on is not the problem. You are lucky he is 8, young enough to work with. Be creative you are much smarter than he. Maybe say" Ok but you know some people will see your feet and think you're a baby because you won't put your socs on. Trust me grasp the problems and take charge now before he gets older. I think you and he have a chance at a decent relationship. My skids were grown when i got married and you have no idea what tuff is. My SD is autistic very, very mild. No one ever addressed her condition medically. She has two sides to her angel and devil. She had it set in her head She was going to hold the power in the home. She actually put me in a position Of having her brother and half sisters threatening me and my son. She was 19 and wanted out of the house. She almost left the state with a guy she had only known a week. My son came to his step dad one day and told him she is packing all her stuff and planning to leave when we went bowling. We bowl on a league. He over heard her talking thank goodness. She came to me and talked one day. I felt good that she wanted to confide in me. I told her in a nice way God makes everyone different and gives them different abilities. She asked me to set up an appointment with a Dr. for her and I did. She said her dad stressed her out. Well I really knew all he was doing was keeping a close eye on her. But she did deserve treatment for her condition. He put her on a mood stabilizer, he told me normally autistic people have bad mood swings because they really know there is something wrong and it frustrates them. I asked her everyday how she was feeling and if she thought the medicine was helping. She said yes and hugged and thanked me. It was an awesome feeling. Meanwhile my husband was filling out gaurdianship papers which he neglected to do all those years. He was afraid if she ran off with someone he would not have the power to do anything and thats true. She exhibits sexual misbehavior. She is very pretty and when she meets someone she is very forward. Now the boys do not realize there is anything wrong with her until they have been around her awhile. she is so mildly autistic it does'nt show. After a week on this medicine all of her siblings came down on me threatening me and my son. I was shocked that my husband did'nt do more than he did but I'm a big girl and can handel myself. She told them I tricked her and had her put on medicine. I tried to explain but i think they just wanted to vent on someone and i was convenient. I told them I don't have an issue dialing 911. Her half sister told her dad she was taking charge and moving her in with her. He did not even take charge of the situation. I was shocked because had that been my child she would have had the needed help way before this in order for her to have a good quality of life. But I'm not her mom so what can i do, nada. She is now in her own apt. on her own. He does'nt ask questions this is so crazy to me. especially when he is constantly giving my son direction.
Personally, I think you
Personally, I think you handled the "sock incident" really well!! I truly cannot believe some people are making this out to be more then it truly is!! Heck my SS10 did that crap to me a summer ago-he was testing me & my limits Your SS was simply doing the same. Hes put on socks many a times. It wasnt that he couldnt put them on himself-- he knew how-- but he is doing what ALL kids do-pushing boundaries. He figured if he could say that he couldnt then sOmeone will do it for him. Thats the worse thing you could do. You did right by sticking to it & making him do it for himself. No matter his disability or not-- he needs to dress himself.
Just cause someone is on the autistic spectrum-- doesnt mean the OP has to do everything for him!! He sounds like a high functioning child. He is a little boy who was simply trying to push boundaries & see how far he can get with it.
I think so too....because
I think so too....because today he got dressed and put his socks on with ZERO issues. I watched him put the socks on, just to see if he might be having any difficulty using his hands, so i could show him a better way, and it wasn't necessary. He sat down and put them right on in about 20 seconds! He is very high functioning, very similar to his non-disabled peers. there is plenty he CAN do if we simply show him how and then EXPECT him to do them. I would be doing him a huge disservice if I just did everything for him the way his dad and grandparents did for 5 years!
bookishworm, you are right, I
bookishworm, you are right, I do hold some levels of anger and resentment toward this child, as I think alot of us do toward our stepchildren. But, it's because he is a STEPCHILD, not because he has AUTISM, I feel like I need to make that very clear. Nobody before me has ever expected anything from this child. He never received one single service such as o/t, p/t speech, etc. until I forced dad to start taking him 3 years ago. I am COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED, that is the best way that it can be explained, you hit that nail right on the head! You are right, DH is about as helpful as clogged arteries, and that's where my anger and resentment stems from. I should be taking it out on DAD not the child, and I know this, trust me, but it's hard when the kid is the one who's issues I have to deal with on a daily basis when dad's not here. I feel as though it's my responsibility to 'save' this kid from the negligence of his father for the past 5 years. And I get frustrated that I can't just snap my fingers and fix what's broken. You will all be happy to knwo that the school counselor at our kids' school got me some help, as I confided in her how I was feeling about ss8 and all of his issues, etc. I was invited to join an autism support group in a neighboring school district to mine. They have already contacted me and we are going to a family bbq where I will meet all the parents and kids and get to talk with them about ss8 and about my frustrations, etc. I know they will be able to provide me with the support I need in raising this child so that all of his needs are being met. They have monthly meetings too with just the moms who are the main caregivers for these children, and I know i'll be able to discuss my issues there and get some help.
I don't HATE this child either. i don't love him or feel affection for him, but it's NOT his disability, it's that he's not my bio kid and I just don't have that kind of fondness for him. I do however care about his well-being, and I want him to grow up to be self-sufficient and happy like I would any other human being.
And, this morning, he got up and put his socks on with zero issues, because my forcing him the day before to do it let him know that i'm not going to put up with his tantrums.