Roxane's picture

Feeling confused again :|

I met this guy who has a 11 year old daughter. The father has disciplined her well. At the beginnings, she was very excited and asked me a few times that she can't wait her father gets married or that I move in so we could all watch movie together at night or that we could bake together etc. I found that very sweet and I had this ideal dream life built in my head that one day I will marry this man because I love him and I love the daughter somewhat too (I guess you can say that I didn't have any bad feelings towards her). I was actually liking the whole taking care of her and my Bf was feeling very happy about it. It might sound weird I know but I loved the feeling of helping my BF coz he has gone through so much and I wanted to help him.

As I started to know SD more, she started talking about her mom and she told me few times as to how she loves her mom a lot and that she is very sad that they are all not together anymore and that her father doesn't like it when she talks about her mom so she doesn't mention her in front him. My eyes teared and gave her a hug. I also realized that SD was sort of unhappy from time to time overall. I guess her parents divorce was not easy for her. It is true BF does not allow talking about BM at home. I have never met BM because BF doesn't like it. I am not allowed to talk to her as well. He keeps it very minimal with BM. He doesn't get childcare from her as well. Then one day SD asked me if I was going to get married to BF in future and I said yes soon. BF had brought up the issue of marriage and I had no reason to say no as we have had great relationship.

A couple days later I was talking to BF and he looked sad and told me that BM had sent a very nasty email to him...belittling him, accusing him of brainwashing the daughter and that she will make sure that her daughter never forgets that she is the real mother and not me. Apparently, SD had told BM that our relationship was serious and that we were getting married so BM had gotten all jealous or whatever. Next time I met SD, she was very different. She didn't talk to me much...very unlike her. I already knew about the email so I knew BM had trained her to stay away from me. I didn't push myself. Then BF said that SD started giving him hard time. He tried to keep her busy by signing her up for sport activities, but she was not interested and told me she didn't want to go so we thought to let her be for a while. Then over time I realized she stopped calling me altoghter. I called her a few times but she was very cold and didn't share anything with me. My BF got mad over time so he wrote a nastier response to BM after a couple of months. Initially he had ignored the email. Next day, BF calls me from emergency that BM's current husband attacked him during the kid drop off without he seeing it coming so he fell on the ground and was then beaten up until people came to rescue him. He was rushed to emergency where he got stitches on his head. He got scratches on his face and broken nose. this all happened while BM was watching and when BF was bleeding BM came to him and said you think you can brainwash my daughter blah blah. Needless to say, BM's husband was taken to jail.

When BF told me this I got scared. If this lady can go so low to do such a thing, she sure will make my life a living hell if I marry my BF. I am now feeling weird and lost. I don't want to hurt my BF, he is an amazing guy but he won't listen to me as well. I tell him that we should move to another place far away and he is telling me that SD needs to see her mom (it pisses me off that he thinks this way despite all this). I asked SD that why didn't she shout or how on earth could she still get in the car and go with BM after what they did to her dad. She says mom said dad needed a lesson. I felt outraged and weird. How on earth can she not feel for her dad. I got scared of her to be honest. I am scared that may be one day she would hit me too. I don't know what to do. Part of me says to get out, but at the same time i feel bad for BF. I mean I can't just leave him alone at time like this, but I am now scared for myself. Needless to say my mom has been against this relationship from the beginning so I haven't told her coz she would freak out. Do you think it is ok or do you foresee lots of headache for me in this relationship.


Roxane's picture

Can somebody help me learn

Can somebody help me learn how to edit my post after a while?

Kes's picture

Roxane - there is, I think,

Roxane - there is, I think, an "edit" button at the bottom of your post - there certainly is if you post in your own "blog" section - I can't remember if it's the same with the forums. You may find it easier to post as a blog, as then you can also delete your own or others' entries later, if you wish, which you can't do in the forums.

I am sorry about your situation. I had kind of a similar experience, in that my DH told me he had an "amicable" relationship with BM - well, it might have been before I came along, but it certainly wasn't afterwards - she went completely psycho. Yours does sound extreme - and it seems the BM will stop at nothing to get her own way, even violence. I think you know that the responses you will get will veer towards "run for the hills" because you probably have a very rocky road ahead if you stick with this man. The only way I can see it working would be if he cut off all contact with the child and her evil mother - but it's not what most parents would be prepared to do.
If you do decide to stay with him, I would postpone the marriage - leave it a few years and see how the land lies - you will soon get a feel for whether this is going to be doable, of if your life is going to be made a complete misery.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I'm guessing that your mum's

I'm guessing that your mum's advice might be the advice you should be taking. Parent's only want their children to be happy, if your mom isn't happy about this relationship, she has her reasons and I suspect you know what they are. Please do not rush into marriage here as the above poster has said the only way this could possibly work and for you and your bf to have a happy marriage would be to cut off all contact with bm and sd - hardly fair on sd. There is a lot to be sorted out here before you even contemplate marriage. Also, you need to talk to your mom. I think as I said she knows more than we do and you may just have to listen to her. All the best.

cant win for losin's picture

All I am going to say is that

All I am going to say is that from your post, a TON of red flags are going up. I am not gonna say "run for the hills" (though i want too) because that is always easier said than done, and something you have to decide on. But I DEF strongly urge that you put off getting married for a few years. Spend this time, "feelin it out"

Lots of people now a days stay together in a committed relationship without the complications of marriage.

good luck

Toooldfor this's picture

I agree with everyone above.

I agree with everyone above. I wouldn't run for the hills, but I would definitely hold off on the marriage until you see how this situation plays out. I think we have all seen the BM escalate when marriage either occurs or is being planned. I hope your BF presses charges and sends a clear message to BM that this behavior is not going to be tolerated. The SD is caught up in this by no fault of her own and is too young to understand what is happening. She will be the one who pays for her mother's craziness, but if you marry this man you will have a very rocky road to travel. So sorry for you and the SD!

TASHA1983's picture

You are dead on Blue Belle! I

You are dead on Blue Belle! I love my man so much but sometimes I wish I never said yes when he asked me out... especially after knowing he had a kid and bm in the picture! I get upset and resentful knowing that I will never have him completely to myself, and because he gets raped in child support every week we wont ever have the luxuries of a decent life like he had with bm because of it! I always said that after I went thru the dating disaster that I went thru with a man that had an awful kid and bm that I would never date a man with kids ever again! I soooo wish I stuck to my guns on that! Now I am so in love with my man and dont want to be withut him in my life and he feels the same way but I either have to be with him and deal with his shitty kid and bm or be without him and heartbroken...I cant bring myself to walk away =(

NOT my kid....NOT my problem!!!

Your kid makes me want to overdose on birth control!!!

Roxane's picture

Thank you very much everyone

Thank you very much everyone for the responses Smiling. I am starting to feel the same way what you all have mentioned about not rushing to marriage and the red flags (that is what I am doing, but at the same time I am not getting any younger either so I feel pressured to make a decision sooner than later). Using my brain or logic, I know this relationship will require a lot of compromise on my part, but very often the feeling is taken over by those lovey-dovey feelings I have for BF. Gosh, I don't know why I would do this to myself in the first place?! Anyways, it is a really unhealthy situation for me. I feel quite overwhelmed and lost as I don't know where things are heading and I can't foresee my future and I don't know where I will end up Sad.

Just a few questions or your thoughts on this situation or future of this relationship:
- Most of you like my mom have mentioned that If I go ahead, it will be a rocky road ahead or with headaches. I can see what you guys mean to some extent or mostly, but would like to get some more explanation please. Do you guys see this attack episode to occur again? I discussed this with BF and here is how responded. He said that even though he can't guarantee, but he is sure the BM husband won't be able to come close to him in future. He is placing restriction on his proximity to him etc. So I was thinking as I have mentioned before that BF doesn't like talking to BM or his mention whatsoever. The only time they text each other is for kids drop off other than that BM is not in the picture even for school related events. No body tells and she doesn't mind showing up as she herself give SD to BF saying she couldn't take care of her financially and psychologically. I hear she was never a mother figure type of person. Kid drop off happens somewhere in the city, no body gets to go to each others house. I think part of the reason BM was so mad had to do with BF keeping it very minimal and having very little to do with her. Now given this scenario, don't you think it is kind of good for me in a sense that I wouldn't have to deal with them talking or texting on every single issue? Please tell me if I am looking at this in a naive way. I want to know whether this is good or this scenario is worse than them actually talking.

So in this situation, if I have BF 100% on my side, it only leaves SD? Do you think I am right to think that way? and he is never going to give her up or send her back to BM. He loves her a lot for sure. I am thinking the only way SD could make my life miserable would be by being on her mom's side and creating problems between me and BF. This is a possibility. But BF disciplines her well and I have discussed that with him too and he says he won't let SD being unrespectfull towards me etc. How much can I trust his words?