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Ahhhhh....SS might be coming to live with us!!!

newmommy05's picture

So I was just told of DH AND BM's discussion. Went a little something like this:
Dh: I think SS should come live with us
BM: yes I've been thinking that too

Now I am pretty much having an anxiety attack and DH doesn't get it. Remember neither DH or I have spent more than 3 days consecutively with SS for the past 3 years and have never seen him more than once a month. After DH told me this I was in shock and couldnt really say anything. He then says to me I really need you to be on board with this and treat him like your own. I told him it might not happen. Then I started debating whether or not I should tell him about step talk and the disengagement method.

Orange County Ca's picture

Absolutely discuss disengagement and follow through with it from day one. Being 'on board' doesn't mean you have to become mummy number two. It just means you're not actively against it.

You didn't mention the boys age. It takes a mother to raise a boy and a father to raise a man. This is good that BM is already thinking of her boy.

Tell Dad that you want a summer trial period before any more permanent arrangements are made. Second you're not the baby-sitter. I really wish I knew the age of the kid.

If things go well for the summer and BM is still willing both parents can agree as to custody and child support WITHOUT changing the court order. This leaves his returning to Mom open but you don't have to tell Dad that.

Remind him, if necessary that if the agreement between BM and him is in writing there is no violation of court ordered custody, child support or visitation. If no one complains the court doesn't even know and could care less.

newmommy05's picture

Sorry should have mentioned...SS is 7 turning 8 next month. Good advice thanks. I don't think DH would go for the trial period though because that gives me and "out" so to speak. He is pretty much going to take in his kid no matter what.

Kes's picture

I agree with what Manymoments said, but whatever you do, DON'T talk to him formally about disengagement if you want to stay in this relationship. He will see it as you being hostile.

It is out of order for DH to INFORM you that SS is coming to live with you - that he and BM have decided this, and you just have to suck it up. It should have been discussed with you at length before any decision is arrived at.

Personally, I would not really want to stay with DH if he is going to impose his son on you with no discussion whatsoever, and without your freely given agreement.

newmommy05's picture

Thank you all for your replies. When dh talks about anything concerning his son, he usually doesn't ask my input. On the rare occasion he will but mostly he just handles it of his own, whether the outcome is right or wrong. He also does not see any reason why his son living with us would cause anyone (me) to feel anything but an overwhelming sense of love and happiness lol. Basically I don't feel like there would be a discussion at All about it. If his son and bm are are in agreement of the change in residence, then it is going to happen whether I like it or not. It has pretty much been dh's lifelong goal for this to happen. It actually almost happened a couple of times already but never went through as bm changes her mind. But this time seems different, as she is thinking about leaving her husband. I'm actually at a loss of words. Dh would say something like you knew I had a child before we got into a relationship and that one day he might live with us, so it's not like I'm springing this on you. Then he will go on to say you knew I came as a packaged deal, blah blah blah. For me, it's just because this is so all of a sudden and we really haven't all lived together for a long period of time ever and it is nerve wracking thinking about it.

clare6661's picture

I would say to him well if you're having your kid come and stay I would like a pet horse/dog/iguana/camel !!! it's your house too.

smdh's picture

Here is what I would tell him "Your actions over the past 3 years have shown me that when it comes to your son, I have no input. You make all the decisions and tell me the outcome. How is it possible that I can love him like my own? He is NOT my own. I have no input. Living with a child for whom you'll expect me to take on responsibility but not have any input, is assigning me to active duty in hell. So if you want this to happen, there are going to be some things you need to know 1) I will not be the primary responsible person for your child and 2) its unlikely I will love him like my own. Yes, I knew you had a child and yes, I knew it was a possibility he might live here someday, but you also knew that he isn't my child and expecting me to act as though he is, was something you should have known too, since it is pretty much common sense."

LilyBelle's picture

You can't love him like your own if you can't influence, teach, train, and discipline him like your own.

You can support your DO in his efforts to raise his son, you can offer support and encouragement and positive feedback... that's about it.

Ditto everyone else's suggestion... start off from the beginning with very clear boundaries and not parenting.

mama_althea's picture

This:

"You get him up, dress him, feed him, talk him to school
You pick him up, make his afternoon tea, do his homework with him and entertain him.
You attend all his appointments, school functions, interviews, sports training ,events etc.
You take the days off work that he is sick - all of them.
You take off his school holidays and summer breaks or put him into care ( same goes with afterschool)
You do his washing and make sure he keeps his room tidy and does his chores.

All this while maintaining a full time job.
No neogitation of your part - His kid , his responsibilty. FULLSTOP."

The above, plus setting house rules, IS disengaging, more or less, without putting that defining word on it, and is what I think you should do. You and DH need to have long, serious discussions about what both your expectations are and come to some mutual ground. IF you arrive at mutually agreeable ground rules, AND he sticks to them, hopefully your chances of resentment will be minimized and your opportunity to enjoy SS are improved. I'm sure if things are going well, you won't mind throwing the kid's laundry in with yours sometimes and normal stuff like that.

Maybe you can find some books you can both read that will help him have more realistic expectations of being an instant loving family. And you need to read Stepmonster to make sure he doesn't snowball you with all the "you don't love my kid" or "you knew I had a kid" BS.

Good luck (not meant to be heard in a sarcastic way, but a bright, cheery way lol)

newmommy05's picture

Most DHs dont't like that we (sm)s disengage right? I feel like my dh would have a hard time accepting this whether i just go ahead and disengage or actually tell him I'm going to be disengaged.

Poodle's picture

A big sorry if I'm projecting my own experience, but one of the herd of elephants in the room is the fact that you two have a baby together. DH has big leverage over you because you feel guilty the minute you rate her over SS. Every piece of attention you spend on her you alone feel you have to justify to your conscience. That traps you. This was such a given for me that I did not even realise it was going on in my marriage, for years. My DH painted himself as a kind, loving, adoring, kid-centred family man so much so that I missed the wood for the trees. The price I paid for his commitment to our child and then children, was my commitment to his children. Essentially the price for motherhood itself. The fear underneath it is, if you reject his child you go it alone with yours. And, you face the kind of custody battle he had with BM and the attempt to denigrate BM in the eyes of the skids. Oh yes, BM amply deserved the denigration. But the fear of a man turning your child against you and ultimately levering them from you... all unconscious... I wonder if this applies to you.
Again sorry if I'm projecting, but a lot of work needs to be done to redress the imbalance of power that you've allowed to develop between you and your DH if he can speak to you like this about your role toward his child. You may already have seen this on steptalk, but it's a very good web page on disengaging with young kids in a benevolent way: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html; and here's a hilarious one for DH's that'll make you smile, but will also give some food for thought as to how to talk with DH: http://webspace.webring.com/people/jh/histigerlily/makeevil.html.

newmommy05's picture

Wow I can honestly say that I have never even considered, at least consciously, from your perspective. But it definitely gave me some food for thought. To be honest though, I always have thought I had the upper hand when it came to having DD. Like if it came to the point where we had to split up, I would think that dh would be in a worse off position than I would be. He would have 2 kids from 2 moms and have to pay CS for both and have to schedule everything around his visitation times and such.
On a side note, does how much attention I give to SS really affect how much attention dh gives to our DD? I never thought of it like that before

Poodle's picture

I daresay he would objectively be in a worse position, so in that case why he is he so taking you for granted? That#s what I don't get.