momof2boysfmct's picture

My husband cant stand my 10 year old Son

So I have been with my husband since my son was 16 months old. We have been married for 5 years and recently had a baby boy of our own. Hubby has 3 older kids 21,17,15 from 2 prev marriages (there is a 18year age difference between us). The issues that we are having have seemed to come and go but know find out they never go my husband just doesnt say anything. My x and i have 50/50 but its more like 75/25. We as in my husband and i do 100% of everything, ins, school, clothes, vacations ect. My ex has nothing does nothing and finds every reason why my husband should pay for my son and not him. We have gone into dept fighting these issues in court and nothing comes out of it.
I understand how this would bother him. We get along great and the only fights we have are because of my x and money/my son.
My husband has gotton to the point that when my son is home he doesnt want to be. It seems like my son cant do anything right. Although i think alot of it is the kids age the having to be reminded about everything (manners, chores, its repetitive)and does get tiring. I am constanly telling my son how to behave and how to act and it seems like he thinks everything is expeceted and doesnt care about anyone but himself. My son sees that his dad is a loser but craves that attition. And he does feel the vibe his step father gives when hes home.
In the 9 years together i have never felt like our family is a mine/your type. It seems like that has been really stong since i was pregnant with our baby.
I guess i just need some help. I love my husband and my son and i have no idea how to fix this. Is this a stage with my son? My husband says he knows that the way he is acting is childish but doesnt know what to do. He tries to bite his tounge and to change the way he feels towards him but everything my son does aggriavtes him. Help please. I dont want my marriage to fizzle cause of this. I almost feel like since there is no blood relation he doesnt consicer him family. Husband just says i love you and our son!


Purplemom's picture

Seek family therapy (possibly

Seek family therapy (possibly individual too, for both you and DH) and try to find a therapist who is familiar with Step issues.

I am new to the stepping thing as well, FDH and I don't live together yet, and we also have a bog age difference (15 years) and I will also be his 3rd wife. We have been in couples therapy for a while and I think it has really helped up be realistic and build things the way we want them to be built, without bringing too much baggage in with us.

Best of luck!

I speak 3 languages, English, Sarcasm and Innuendo.

momof2boysfmct's picture

thanks we are going to look

thanks we are going to look into thearpy. I get along great with his kids and x wifes. I work hard at staying out of things and like i said before if it wasnt for my son and x things would be perfect. I love all the people in my blended family its just hard and very tiring. It would be horrible for a marriage to end because of step issues. The love is there but the stress is very stong

stessed momma

janeyc's picture

Well thats the problem, you

Well thats the problem, you have tried and really made an effort, now hubby needs to make an effort, children can tell when an adult dos'nt like them, if he makes an effort, your son will make an try with him too, or be far more likely too.

knucklehead's picture

I read about X/BD supporting

I read about X/BD supporting son and DH supporting son, but do YOU? Do you support your son? Or are you expecting DH to do it all alone?

knucklehead's picture

I too often make the

I too often make the assumption that these BM's work. I've found out more often than not that mom doesn't work, doesn't collect CS, often the bio dad isn't even AROUND so the skid is there 100% of the time, and they can't - for the life of them - figure out why their husband has a problem with the situation. WTF?!?
I'd die before I sat around expecting DH to support me and my kids.

discfocused's picture

Most people start out open to

Most people start out open to helping their spouses with their kids. Are you sure there is nothing behaviorally that is bothering him about the situation? Many biological parents tend to believe their children are angels and can do no wrong. Thats one of the big problems on here is dads not sticking up for their step moms, do you think this could be involved in the problem?

2nd Time Around's picture

Honestly, it sounds like DH

Honestly, it sounds like DH is just tired...
Maybe regretting the battles and financial losses, and as your son is getting older he see's your EX in him.. more and more...
Worries if he will become more like him...
Worries if his investment in your son will pay off...
And as he already has Bio children, and now one with you... he is re-thinking investing his time, energy, and money in your son...

The question I have... is... Did he have his kids in his life as much as your son has been around... Did he have to really raise his kids, Was he Daily dad... or Weekend/Financial Dad... There is a significant difference, and as he is OLDER... his patience may not be up for the challenge of Daily child rearing?

I also believe Fear of the future is one of the biggest issues STEP Parents have... Helping raise another's BLOOD, is an investment of our money, hearts, time, energy, and love... and there is always the fear if it won't be appreciated by the child...

momof2boysfmct's picture

I do work I work full time

I do work I work full time and my 3/4 o my check goes to bills I take about 250 to keep for gas, diapers and some of my cc bills. My husband gets mad if I buy my bio son anything ie clothes or new shoes. He says it doesn't matter if it ones from his check or mIne it's all the same

stessed momma

momof2boysfmct's picture

Omg 2nd time around u hit it

Omg 2nd time around u hit it on the head !!! My dh bf said the same thing. My dh wasn't a full time dad tO his kids he has been way mOre involved since we got together. He often say I made him a better dad. He was starting out On his career when his kids were young. I think it's a combo of all those things

stessed momma

3familiesIn1's picture

I don't think my DH 'loves'

I don't think my DH 'loves' my 2 bio girls. In fact, I know BD7 irritates him. This doesn't bother me really - he is not their father. I don't put him in a position to be their father either - not his kid, not his problem. I financially support and take care of my 2 bios. If DH chooses to participate, I let him but I never ever have any expectations - I guess that is why it doesn't bother me.

I wish DH did the same for me with his kids. He doesn't.

Regulation #5
You are entitled to food, shelter and medical attention. Anything else is a privilege.

Tired...

herewegoagain's picture

Not sure if YOUR age

Not sure if YOUR age difference has anything to do with it, but I would say that many people who don't really like kids, like them less the older they get. They might not have an issue with a young kid that is a bio-child, because it's their bio...but that's not your case.

I do believe that many times this comes down to money. Heck, my DH worked too...but that didn't mean that he had a lifestyle much better than he could afford because of ME. I earned much more. If you have your kid living with you and he doesn't, how much do you pay in household expenses vs. him? I know that I was very resentful because yes, his daughter benefited directly from MY pay...she wouldn't have had a anything if my DH had to live alone...and of course, none of it was appreciated. So, there might be multiple issues here.

PS - my DH would say the same as you, he worked, he could buy whatever he wanted for his kid...but the fact is, that he also contributed MUCH LESS to our home...so really, I was the one paying for it.

whatsup

momof2boysfmct's picture

I agree my husband make more

I agree my husband make more than I do and pays more in bills. But if my x won't buy my son shoes am I not supposed to? Its very stressful

stessed momma

Disneyfan's picture

You make sure both of your

You make sure both of your sons have what they need.

OMG, I would have cussed that man out a long time ago.

witsend71's picture

Good answers from all.

Good answers from all. Insightful. Your marriage has hit the point where it's more work than play. Your son isn't the cute little kid he once was. These are the awkward years...to be followed by the teen years. You can't make them love each other... Oh how I wish we had that power. Did he ever love him? Did he say he only loves you and the baby? He's probably tired of parenting and wants his life back but sees the years of parenting ahead. I'd plan a vacation w/o yr 10 yr old just to reconnect...and later one with yr son as well. Even a day at the amusement park w son's friend or something DH chooses. Idea: give him a day off on father's day. Have bs10 do something nice....no mention of ex in front of DH on that day...

~Lisbeth

momof2boysfmct's picture

And it's not like my son just

And it's not like my son just appeared he's been with me since he was 16 months old. All my son knows is us. And he feels the wall my husband is putting up. We just got back from vacation and my son said "I don't think he wants me here" an also says that his bio dad doesn't love him. My dh is a great role model that my son looks up too and my dh doesn't see that. He thinks he's a kid that needs to be reminded over and over again and he's tired of the crap. Yet everyone praises how well mannered my son is. Trust me I'm not blind all Of our kids can be pia's but tO resent him so much kills me. He even gets mad wen people comment that our son and my son look alike. They both have the same mom is gonna happen. A lot of people comment how my son look like my dh and skids. Which thy do all look like they can be blood. He assumes cause my boys have different dads they can't look alike and gets very mad and bothered when even his own mother says it.

stessed momma