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Step-Mom-To-Be on Mother's Day, my partner's role

KDOT's picture

Hi everyone, This is my first post and I'd be grateful for your opinions.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for more than four years, three of which I have had long periods of time coparenting his children while they are with him. We are going to be married soon, and for the past while, I have really stepped up my role in supporting them while we are together. I coparent them with him, cook, clean, help make parenting decisions, help them when they are feeling ill, buy them necessities and do laundry for them. I did not expect to hear anything from them on Mother's Day, especially since I am out of town currently waiting for the immigration details to be worked out so that I can move there to be married. But I did expect SOME kind of acknowledgement from my partner. When I told him how upset I was, he argued with me saying that it didn't cross his mind, and that it shouldn't have because I am not their mother.

I told him that I am a woman who participates in parenting his children, and therefore I deserve to be recognized for my role, especially by him, because he also benefits from my commitment to taking on these children as my own, and in the mostly-behind-the-scenes love I give them.

Your thoughts?

KDOT's picture

They aren't nasty to me, no one thinks they are my children, we have a loving relationship with each other. I don't expect anything from them and I can't withhold affection or not do things that need doing for children that I live with, it's just not in me. My partner, however, acted in a way that made me feel unappreciated. Perhaps you have a point, to prove mine, I should give up the co-parenting for a while, so that my partner can appreciate my contributions. I feel taken advantage of.

KDOT's picture

Thanks,dog person! He seems to think I'm being unreasonable. He said he's going to ask his friends, but I doubt he's going to tell them the whole story. I'm really angry at him to the point where I'm considering not going ahead with the marriage! What on earth would it take for me to be appreciated? I have no kids of my own by choice, but by another choice I have taken on the responsibility of being in a blended family with two teenagers who are starting to show signs of rebellion. It's not exactly a cake-walk in that house.Everyone has food allergies and every dinner I make is like solving a complex logic problem. A far cry from the care-free life I have on my own. And he and his ex do not get along well at all. I am a very thoughtful, careful (AND WAY ANGRY RIGHT NOW) step-parent!!! Smile

instantfamily's picture

I would seriously think twice about this marriage, too, if my DH had pulled that crap. He's not only asking you to marry him, he's asking you to be part of a family and parent his children with him. You better be sure if DH hadn't done anything for me on Mother's day I'd have been LIVID as well as walked out for at least the day. No more picking them up from school, taking them to sports or anything else, cook only for myself, etc. It would be WWIII in this house!
I hope he pulls his head out! And seriously, "I'm going to ask my friends how my Fiance should or shouldn't feel?" You can tell him there are a ton of anonomous "friends" of yours who think he made a HUGE mistake and owes you bigtime.

KDOT's picture

Excellent points, which I made to him. I told him that I have asked a number of people, and that everyone seems to agree with me. And that seemed to have changed his mind, but I do not know why he shouldn't believe me, since my experience and opinions TRUMP those of unconcerned outside observers since I AM THE ONE EXPERIENCING THEM, AND HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL GET THE SHIT FROM ME! Smile

It's arrogance, is what it is. A wholly unattractive quality in him for certain.

instantfamily's picture

You said it lady! Glad you've got a strong constitution, this s*it's not for the faint of heart! I had my husband join ST because 1) there aren't many sites for men out there other than angry or screwed over exhusbands who got hosed in CS and visitation and 2) I wanted him to see the stories and get the input from other stepmoms so he could better understand what I was going through and 3) it's fun to have a man's input on here even when he's the biodad! The ladies on here were very welcoming. He hasn't been on in a while but he really gets a kick out of some of the stuff I read him or is horrified on behalf of whoever the poster is who has been wronged. Smile

KDOT's picture

Thanks, Blue Belle. The thing that galled me the most was the fact that he posted Mother's Day greetings "to all the moms out there" but didn't think to include me or send me a little note!

BTW, I love ur signature! Smile

KDOT's picture

I'm seriously reconsidering this decision to marry him. There are many other issues at play here too, which I haven't talked about. He chronically gets into these hateful modes where he is depressed and lashing out at me, then cycles back into being kind and caring. It's a horrible journey which I would have abandoned completely had he not recently had some real success with his mood and attitudes. He added some medication and his change lasted for about 3 months, with the engagement, his kindness, etc. But he is making it very difficult for me to go forward with this, since it will involve me moving to another country and dismantling my apt, etc. I fear he has a bipolar issue. But you are all right, it doesn't matter who or how I am towards him, it makes no difference to the situation.

I really wish things were different, but I have to face them. I am very glad to have your comments about this situation because even though I know the difference between right or wrong, or what it means to be respectful to someone else, his inability to see these basics on a chronic basis makes me challenge my own judgment sometimes.

instantfamily's picture

You know what, if my husband wasn't a PRINCE to me 95% of the time, I'd have walked out. Swear to God. First, you will resent not having alone time other newlyweds get without kids. Then, a lot of times the skids will change their feelings toward you after the knot is tied- once it's "real" they get more difficult it seems. If you're not 110% this is the real deal forever, postpone the wedding. If you suspect he's bipolar, he needs to get solid with his meds and counseling before you walk down that aisle. Just be careful and also, coming to a new country what kind of support system do you have in place? Things to think about. Perhaps get with a counselor yourself so you can hash your feelings out? I really hope you find what you need and want- best of luck lady!

Disneyfan's picture

He's telling you loud and clear how he views you.

You are free to do all the mommy jobs you want to do. However, he(nor his kids) will ever view you as a mother figure.

Poodle's picture

They may be fine to you for the moment but children normally take their approach to adults around them from their parents. If he sends out the message that he does not respect your role, then should there be discipline type issues when they are normal rebellious teenagers, his attitude will subtly undermine their respect for you and you could even find yourselves in conflict over how to parent them. Guess what he'll do then?
This situation sounds unhealthy for you in a number of ways. Do not take any step which reduces your own options drastically or puts a power imbalance into your relationship.

steptwins's picture

RUN! Or wait until next year to see if you get a card for caring for his children a full year. Or wait n see how nice they are to you after you get married to him. Bi polar? He's toying with you until you are trapped. Oh you will need to be put in your place btw -- mother's day is for the BM according to them! Don't confuse your cooperation with their loyalty.