HurtAndLonely's picture

My first Mother's Day, when I'm technically not even a mother!!

SO and I have been together for a year now. Last year we started dating around early May so I didn't have to deal with the Mother's day issue. This year will be the first Mother's day with them so far. To recap, I have no biological children of my own. I have a SD6 which we have full-time. SD6 was supposed to go to her BM (3 states away) for a month this summer. I have insisted my SO stay firm on requiring her to have a drug test before SD6 goes down there. BM is a pill-popper, welfare, no job for years, she has 3 other children, which her BF supports, hardly has anything to do with SD6, and gave up all parental rights as a mother. So it's completely up to SO if he wants to send her to BM's or not. Since SO has requested the drug test, she has not called or texted in 2 months. She is avoiding the situation, so we take that as she doesn't REALLY want to see SD6. Pathetic!!

I mention to SO 2 nights ago, if he was going to do something for me on Mother's Day or how that day would work out in our lives over the years. He asked me if I wanted him to. I told SO that it wouldn't really upset me this year if he didn't, but over the years if I help to take care of her then yes I would like some recognition on that day. A handmade craft from her would be plenty in my eyes. She's only little once, so I know those crafts will only be there for a limited number of years. That was the end of our conversation about that.

Well, tonight I overheard SO and SD6 talking about Mother's Day. SD6 was making something in school and wanted to send it to her BM. SO told SD6 that she should instead give it to me, because I have been more of a mother to her over this last year. I walk to the next room shortly after and SD6 is all excited about bringing her gift home for me tomorrow. "I made you something, but I can't tell you what it is."

So my question is: Should I be happy that SO corrected her and wanted to be sure she was aware of who really helps in a motherly sense? Or should I be a little concerned because I want her to want to give it to me, if that makes sense?? Also, I don't want her to be forced to acknowledge me, KWIM?? From reading what others post here, it sounds like I should be happy that he reminded her of who really cared about her because it seems all too often SM's are forgotten.


StepAside's picture

From what I've seen on this

From what I've seen on this site, it wouldn't matter what the BM did to your SD. The SD's seem to idolize their mothers, regardless of being dumped. They have this great way of making excuses for them. And we've also seen stepchildren get raised by their stepmothers, and really let the SMs know later that they never considered them a mother figure. That can be particularly painful for women who have grown to love their stepchildren as their own.

It sounds to me like your SO just gave his kid a reason to start resenting you, and she's only 6. At first, you acknowledged that your SO corrected her. Then you said he reminded her of who is really caring for her. Either way, she loves her mother. She was thinking of her mother. Your DH is trying to change the course of that river, and you are going to be the one who pays for it. I think the more your DH tries to correct her or "remind" her, she's going to keep taking that as an insult to her mother.

It sure sounds like your DH has great intentions. And on the flip side, some folks here recently said that the #1 contributor to PAS from fathers is passivity. But I just think if she's encouraged to replace her mother with you, you will have hell to pay if your marriage is still intact by the time she is 16.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

StepAside's picture

From what I've seen on this

From what I've seen on this site, it wouldn't matter what the BM did to your SD. The SD's seem to idolize their mothers, regardless of being dumped. They have this great way of making excuses for them. And we've also seen stepchildren get raised by their stepmothers, and really let the SMs know later that they never considered them a mother figure. That can be particularly painful for women who have grown to love their stepchildren as their own.

It sounds to me like your SO just gave his kid a reason to start resenting you, and she's only 6. At first, you acknowledged that your SO corrected her. Then you said he reminded her of who is really caring for her. Either way, she loves her mother. She was thinking of her mother. Your DH is trying to change the course of that river, and you are going to be the one who pays for it. I think the more your DH tries to correct her or "remind" her, she's going to keep taking that as an insult to her mother.

It sure sounds like your DH has great intentions. And on the flip side, some folks here recently said that the #1 contributor to PAS from fathers is passivity. But I just think if she's encouraged to replace her mother with you, you will have hell to pay if your marriage is still intact by the time she is 16.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

HurtAndLonely's picture

I somewhat feel the same way.

I somewhat feel the same way. It is nice to be recognized for the hard work that you do, but I am not her mother. Even if her BM is a POS, it's still HER mother. Also, I don't want to step on my SO's toes with his child, but I think I will politely tell SD6 next year that it's up to her if she wants to mail her BM her gift. That I don't want her to feel she has to choose. She can always make us both something if she prefers.

I don't believe that SO is purposely trying to push BM out of SD6's life. They used to live 1 mile from each other for the last 2 years before I came along and BM would ask to see SD6 maybe 2-3 hours a month. Anytime SD6 used to ask to go to her mom's, he would call BM but she would never call back or answer. I think he has just come to accept that BM just doesn't want much to do with SD6 and never really has. SD6 has told me i'm the mom that doesn't lie to her. She isn't stupid, but SO and I never mention anything to her negatively about her BM. That's for her to decide when she gets older and she will see that her BM never really wanted much to do with her. I think it's more of a way for SO to protect his daughter from the unevitable truth.

With that being said, I had a step-father since I was 2. That man is my DAD and always will be. We have a very good relationship and I hardly ever seen my biological father growing up til he passed away when I was 15, so I do know as children grow older they tend to see their mother/father for who they truly are. I know I did. I knew he was never around and never made an effort to come see me. My STEP-FATHER is my role-model, still to this very day. I can only hope that over the years when SD6 realizes how her BM is, that I can be there for her the best way that I can.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Maybe offer to get craft

Maybe offer to get craft supplies so she can make something for BM and offer to help her mail it? It may be a nice experience for both you and SD.

smdh's picture

I like this.

I like this.

overworkedmom's picture

I am kind of in the same

I am kind of in the same situation. We have my FSS full time and BM gave up all rights. She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Jan. HOWEVER, FSS did make something for his "mom" ( i use this term very loosely when referring to the incubator)for mother's day. It kind of hurt my feelings a little but in the long run, he knows that I am the only real mom he has. I am sure you sd is the same way. I swear I think that the teachers say -- we are making this for your "MOM", that phrase to them is BM. They are kids and don't always put 2 and 2 together that the real mom is the one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, cleans up skinned knees, works on homework and tucks them in at night.

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

In my opinion, if the skids

In my opinion, if the skids want to do something for me and they come up with the idea on their own, great. Otherwise, I don't want them to feel like they have to do something or feel like doing something for me is taking away from whatever they are doing for their mother. I am not their mother. I do easily as much as she does for them and usually far more, but as far as they are concerned I'm just step mom. They don't really understand that things don't just "happen" for them and that the adults in their lives are the ones doing all the work to make those things happen.

However, FDH is definitely expected to provide some sort of acknowledgement. Yes, I know, I'm not his mother. But, I am "mothering" his kids half of the time.

I do really like the idea of you helping her make something for her to send to her biomom. I might also explain to SO your concerns that telling her to give the gift to you instead of her biomom may put your sd in a tough position. Make sure he understands that you know he did it with the best of intentions, but that he might want to handle it differently next year - maybe suggest that next year he is the one to help her make a second gift and then she can decide which one she wants to give to which mother.