olderone's picture

seeking advice

I am married to a women who was never married, no children..was a business owner and boss..my kids at the time were in their 20's and now mid to late thirties...we have a great relationship other then my kids! she keeps telling me all the things, and how, they should do...how should I address the issue that the kids are adults, they do not reflect on her, or me at this point ...any advice is appreciated, thanks

Echo's picture

Well, not only should she not

Well, not only should she not be telling YOU what to do with your "kids", YOU shouldn't be telling your "kids" what to do, either. They're adults.

When she starts, gently cut her off and tell her "Not our problem. They're adults, they live their own life and they do NOT live under our roof. Whatever they choose to do is on THEM. Want to go out and grab a bite ?" (diversion there)

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

mom2tomany's picture

That's not the greatest

That's not the greatest advice there Echo. I tell my DH all the time that his adult kids should trash our house. Step mothers are perfectly within bounds to tell their DH what his kids should and shouldn't do when it concerns them.

janeyc's picture

I agree with you totally, I

I agree with you totally, I think a lot of step parents forget that, its your home too!

Echo's picture

You TELL your DH that his

You TELL your DH that his kids should trash your house? Uhm...oooook.

These are NOT "kids". They're ADULTS. Adults who live out on their own. If you are talking about children (or adult kids) that live IN your home, that's a different story. The OP is talking about his ADULT kids that do NOT live in his home, pay their own way and live their own lives. They are ADULTS and they don't need their Dad or his wife telling them what to do and this guy sure as hell doesn't need his wife ordering him to interfere in his adult childrens lives. Now, if these adults lived under their roof, that would be different. But, that's not the case here, so my advice IS good: Keep your nose out of other adults lives unless they ask for your input. Whether you're a parent OR a step parent.

Not only does his wife have no say, HE has no say in how HIS adult kids live their lives. Period.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

sandye21's picture

I agree that DH and SM have

I agree that DH and SM have no say what Adult skids do with their own life - unless the adult skids are in DH's & SM's house - or if the adult skids are treating either DH or SM disrespectfully. When my SD would come over with her hubby they brought their dogs who DID trash our house, chewed up my favorite shoes and an expensive arch support. It would have been nice if SD had offered to at least pay part of the cost of replacing the arch support. At the time I was under the misconception I should just let it go to keep the peace, and DH didn't do anything either. They also acted as if they were entitiled to be waited on, not lifting a finger to clean up after themselves, and we were expected to pay for everything. If that happened today, I would not stay silent.

sandye21's picture

If she is complaining about

If she is complaining about your kids, there is a reason for it. They are adults so you can not really tell them what to do but you can inform them you expect them to respect her as your wife. I can guarantee you, if you treat the marriage as it is first priority she will stop complaining.

stepmomfromhell's picture

One thing many but not all,

One thing many but not all, is that we don't like our DH going off seeing their kids from their past relationship(s). They are not part of your present relationship with your DW, and therefore they should be forgotten about.

Just tell her if she keeps reminding you of them you will never forget them and might end up visiting them and their children, which most likely she will disapprove of. I'm sure once you tell her this, she will shut her trap forever and start to enjoy life.

Poodle's picture

Absolutely. this poster may

Absolutely. this poster may have many motives but one of them could well be to try to genuinely help whatever his situation is. I for one would really like to hear what he has to say and the suggestion that he should forget about his children is utterly disgraceful.

It's nothing personal.

car.is.annoyed's picture

I agree Augusta; maybe

I agree Augusta; maybe stepmumfromhell mistyped something, because I cannot believe what I read. As much as I want to disengage myself from my DH's grown children, I have always been the one who encouraged him to call them more, see them more, etc.; of course, I got the blame for why he didn't anyhow, but to require anyone to forget about their children, grown or not, is ridiculous!

GetOverYourselves

FormerAAGirl's picture

oh no, she didn't make a

oh no, she didn't make a typo. She meant it. It's who she is.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

She is the proverbial black

She is the proverbial black sheep that we really try to ignore. She's a few peanuts short of a circus.

Disneyfan's picture

A few??? The whole damn bag

A few??? The whole damn bag is empty!

stormabruin's picture

No, she didn't mistype

No, she didn't mistype anything. She sprinkles this BS across many blogs.

Given her family relationships, I can't help but believe she's wandered out of a holler somewhere & just happened upon internet access & is posting this backwoods drivel.

I have to believe that's where she hooked up with this DH 30 years her senior, who clearly hasn't a backbone, or even a vertebra in his body. Perhaps he depends on her to spoon-feed him or something & the only way she'll help him is if he disowns his first family.

She seems to truly believe that he'll ever just forget them, not love them, not want them, not miss them...he'll only love her & the family he has with her from now until forever.

She's a....nevermind. No namecalling.

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

Echo's picture

"One thing many but not all,

"One thing many but not all, is that we don't like our DH going off seeing their kids from their past relationship(s). They are not part of your present relationship with your DW, and therefore they should be forgotten about."

Holy crap. I'm with Augusta...PLEASE don't speak for me. That's horrible.

I don't see my SSs, nor do I like them. But they will ALWAYS be a part of my husbands life and I encourage him to spend time with them.

Be careful with that mindset of yours, stepmomfromhell. Because if you're with a man that you can get to "forget about" his kids? His blood? YOU don't stand a snowballs chance in hell.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

StepAside's picture

I think you're actually the

I think you're actually the stepmomfrommars.

I also think you drug your DH.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.

Bio father's picture

What a bitch you are

What a bitch you are stepmomfromhell, I'm tired of your dumb ass, how the fuck does his kids not have anything to do with his present life. I don't mean to talk this but damn.

Bio dad and proud of it

Bio father's picture

I know I should but she's

I know I should but she's crazy.

Bio dad and proud of it

Poodle's picture

I have a hunch it's a male,

I have a hunch it's a male, either a disgruntled embittered husband or a couple of teens. The pity is that newcomers to the site could take it seriously, but I think it should be appreciated for spoof value. It always helps me to lighten up, so thanks SMFH.

It's nothing personal.

StepAside's picture

Here's the nitty gritty. If

Here's the nitty gritty. If there is no way that their choices will result in financial consequences for you and your wife, I bet she could learn to care less what your children are up to. Many of us have had no say in our grown stepchildren's choices. However, when the OBVIOUS, predictable, poor outcome happens, we've watched with the same predictability, the grown stepchildren ring our husbands and want money.

Children are supposed to become independent. All of our relationships with our parents change over time. For most of us, we stop expecting our parents to bail us out every time we decide to spend more than we can afford, to take risks that we can't afford to get ourselves out of, or to make lifestyle decisions (sign leases, get loans for cars and homes, and get into credit card debt) that are above their means.

I currently have a SD28 who is living in one of the most expensive parts of the nation and is not capable of paying her own expenses. Another family member is supplementing her income. It is questionable how long this other family member will be able to continue doing so. I have no doubt that if that person pulls back their resources, that someone else (my husband) will be asked to fill their shoes. So is it my business where my SD lives? Absolutely not. I don't care if she lives on top of the Empire State Building. But the obvious, predictable future is black and white. She can not sustain her lifestyle. That is what worries me. So, I have also heard from my DH what she and her benefactor agree to is none of my business. I agree. As long as he continues to reassure me that our financial goals won't be interrupted by her horrible choices, I could care less.

Having said that, I am wondering if you occasionally supplement your grown children's income due to choices that they make. Your wife must be very intelligent to own her own business and to have a history of managing people. If your children are making predictable, horrible decisions, she no doubt is concerned that your retirement or your lives are going to be effected by the consequences that they will undoubtedly receive.

So if you don't want to hear your wife's input, I would just continue to reassure her that you have no intent whatsoever to bail them out. They ARE fully grown adults, who are 100% responsible for their actions and the repercussions of their actions... just like every other adult on the planet is (except for the narcissistic, enabled, perpetual thumb-suckers who have no intent to ever stop squeezing funds out of their folks).

Hence, in return for your committed reassurance, she should have no problems not giving two flips what your grown children do. I certainly wouldn't.

Smooth seas don't make great sailors.