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Happy I disengaged

jennaspace's picture

Just saying. It's been 5 months and my stomach is untying and I feel so much more free to concentrate on my little family.

I have to admit that after the dust has settled I'm looking at H and thinking "you let your family do this to me w/o doing anything??". Unfortunately, I don't think there are any good answers except he grew up in a household where no one was ever confronted. I will have to get past this but it has caused me to respect him less unfortunately. I still love him though.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

I can understand this. I'm glad the disengaging is working for you.

I learned that there were aspects to my SO that I could respect, others not so much.

I'm not sure if it helps, but you take the good with the bad. The idea here though is that you put yourself first. Don't compromise

bi's picture

for me, it meant that i stopped stressing out over things that had no real affect on me or my kids, and i stopped doing anything for her because if i stopped, then she had no chance to be ungrateful and unappreciative. for example, it used to drive me insane that fdh allowed sd to stay home from school once or twice a week. yes, A WEEK. i tried to reason with him and make him see why that was not a good thing to do, it did no good. he kept letting her do it. she would always criticize me for gifts i got her, but profusely thank fdh for the very same gift that she was just bitching at me about. those are just 2 examples.

i stopped bitching about her missing school. what is it hurting me? my kid is an honor student. my life won't go down the hole if sd fails and neiter will my children's. once i stopped caring, it was such a relief. i stopped buying her gifts. i told fdh it was his responsibility and why i was done. well, he's a man. he forgot lots of times. you can bet she noticed. oh well. that's what happens when nothing i do is ever good enough. i stop doing it. she didn't have the option of giving me grief about it anymore.

disengagement is taking away the skids power to make you crazy.

nicksmom's picture

Sometimes, learning the hard way, is the only way they learn....I'd say it's working for me too. Thoroughly enjoyin SD-free time with our little one....realizing how much time I was missing with her while I was so busy helping SD with stuff she needed, but was completely unappreciative of.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

What bi said. I stopped being involved in anything to do with skids.

No cooking, no cleaning up after them, no asking about their whereabouts or how they are doing. No giving advice to SO or complaining along with him about SD's grades, no complaining to him about how SD treats me. I just started pretending like she wants there when she visited. If you want to cop an attitude, I'll just treat you like you don't exist.

At least now she has stopped with her attitude. When she talks to me I'll answer back as briefly as possible, but I don't do things for her still. I just tell her to ask her dad or tell her how to do it herself.

HH can I have some coffee? Sure, the pot is right there, grounds are in the cabinet.

sthomas3372's picture

DH would crap himself if I only cooked for my BDs and him, and not for the SDs. Once I get done getting my teaching license, and I'm contributing to the income in the house, we shall see what happens. I really like that idea!

cpreston's picture

Okay, I don’t HAVE a cook, but damn well stopped cooking for the ungrateful bastard and his leech job girlfriend

I set three place settings, if it’s steak, I make three of them, sides are “just enough”for the three of us

If they leave their dishes in the sink, I either let them stay there & let my husband deal with it, or I have actually walked the dirty dishes up to their bedroom and placed them on the bed (I don’t know who gave me that idea, but it was genius)
It started quite a fight about my ‘invading their space’ but I shot back with “this is our house, you just live in it, you don’t have YOUR space”

HA!

Everything else, I figure, well, I would have to clean the bathroom anyway, so I just do it, and if they leave their stuff around, I throw it way.

I am just now trying to COMPLETELY disengage, from everything. (I have issues with caring about their actions and how it effects my grandson, but if they actually lived on their own, I wouldn’t be witness to these things, so I would have no say in the matter anyway)

My goal is to act as if they don’t even exist in my home. I think that is the only way that I will be able to survive the next year or so. I agreed that they can continue to live there, till she gets her degree, then they have 90 days to leave… or I will.

Runninmom's picture

I think for me disengaging meant not trying to figure out how to get my skids to "like me" and also giving up control of things. I would never "not set a place setting" or treat them badly. As a matter of fact i have always been good to all of them, despite how they may feel about me.

But when you spend years bending over backwards trying to get inside someones head and go "If only i did this or said this maybe they would like or accept me." The reality of the situation is this is not possible. They never accept you and that realization is painful to accept. It was for me anyway.

Acceptance for what it is and what it is not, focusing on your own life, remove yourself from the drama, try not to fix (control) something that will always be broken and be the bigger person. There are way more important things in life!

Poodle's picture

Wickedpony, this is a good page that someone on this site referred to: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html. It relates to families with smaller kids where there is a level of cohabitation and parenting still.
For me, disengaging happened smoothly and naturally from when my skids were early teens. They did not live with us but came fortnightly EOW and in school holidays. I saw them taking all the family treat food (eg a box of chocolates) and not leaving any for us or the BSs? No treat food in the house when they were there. I saw them not even acknowledging presents? I stopped giving presents -- not nastily, just because they had not been noticed anyway. DH still labelled the presents from both of us, at my behest, just to ensure that it was clear I meant no harm and that he was not the sole breadwinner. I saw them not make their beds? I didn't make their beds. I saw them leave lights on in the house as they went from room to room? I pointed out lights left on and told them to go and switch off. Wet towels in the bathroom? They were told to go clear them away. They phoned DH on the house phone and when I answered, just asked for DH without even a hello to me? I made sure the house phone was changed to show caller ID and never replied to it, when they rang, be he home or not. They asked to come to stay during times when DH was in and out of the house, eg at work during the day but home in the evening, and then lay in late, played loud music, ate from the refrigerator without asking, or mooched round not contributing to the family life? I told DH he must take them out with him when he left for work (even in the very early hours of the morning til late at night) and drop them somewhere in town e.g. a museum, park or whatever, or have them with him at work. They were not given house keys. They did not tidy up at mealtimes? I ensured they only ate with us when DH was home, and he cooked those meals, and I made sure he had them by his side sharing the work. They hogged the computer and browsed unsavory sites? The computer became password protected and they did not get the password. And so on, and so on. Actually, as a lot of posters have said, this disengagement did nothing but improve my relationship with 2 of my SKs, with whom I am still reasonably cordial now they have left college. The eldest had a problem with it all but then she is a problem personality, and will always be difficult. The good effect the disengagement had on her was that it was absolutely plain and clear that should she try to make a scene of any sort, I would have no hesitation in putting her out of the house on her ear. Which I did, when she was about 16. She has not been back for years, we've had a little problem with her recently, but hope this is a blip.

hippiegirl's picture

stepmomfromhell....I'm all for disengaging and all, but that's kinda mean. If your skids are small, it's messed up to make them go hungry like that. Just sayin'. My ss is 24, and I at least let him eat, for Christ's sake. I disengaged emotionally, but still made sure his basic needs where met when he was with us.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I think for me it would depend on how SS treated me. I cook for those who are grateful--if FDH was an ungrateful prick about my cooking for him, he can make his own damn food. If SS was a brat, FDH can make his food for him.

At our martial arts school, our live in student (FDH's current best friend) who is also a good friend is 26y/o, grew up in a horrible family, was treated like crap. I cook for him whenever i'm there and he's taken to calling me mom, and he is always amazed at my generosity to him that it sometimes brings tears to his eyes. He knows what it means to be truly neglected. I am 'mom' to those who want and appreciate having one. Whether they are older than me, biologically mine or not. (in fact, during high school and college, a large portion of my peers also took to calling me mom because I took care of shit, but they knew it came with the demand for loyalty and being good peoples.)

If I don't want to cook for them, i'm not required to, but how can I not when I come back and the first thing that I hear is 'MOM'S HOME! Oh thank god we don't have to starve anymore.' (I'm out of state four days a week for work).

So, family. You make them, blood doesn't.