vness66's picture

I feel like I'm slipping slowly down a dark tunnel

This is my first time posting on this site. I am looking for answers to my situation which seems just too complicated to resolve. When I met my partner, he was separated and living with his daughter. His wife had moved interstate and she had told him in no uncertain terms that she was ending their marraige. They had been separated for three months when I met him. I had to sell my home after we had been seeing each other for about 6 months and I moved in with him. His daughter(then 17) had already relocated interstate with her mother before I moved in as I was spending time with her father. Even then there would be unexpected emotional outburts from her which I found very difficult to be around and caused him to run to her rescue and help her feel better. We had a very nice life together without many complications after his daughter joined her mother interstate, I met his family and they seemed to accept me and I got on quite well with them. I have babysat my partners brothers children, took his mother's adopted daughter out to the movies etc etc. to try and establish a positive relationship with the family.
My difficulties started when his wife returned and changed her mind. She moved in with his brothers and insisted on meeting me immediately, coming to the door twice. I refused because she was being too full on and I knew she just wanted to assert her dominant position over me. Following this there were family get-togethers that I was not allowed to attend as his mother suggested it would upset his wife if I were there. His wife later got her own place 5 minutes away from us and he spent his daughters birthdays there without me. I was not able to go and even if I could I wouldn't have. I would have felt very awkward and intimidated. He always went and left me at home. I finally left and travelled 2000kms to my home town. I phoned in the morning I was on the road and he told me to have a good trip. I later found out he was beside his wife in bed at the time. When away he kept texting me and really saying everything I needed to hear to get me back, I found out 6 months after I returned that at this time he was having sex with his wife, but this stopped when I returned.
She still wanted him back and would leave messages that I would find that she had been there, the children refused to be around me and his mother and his family turned on me. When I was at work one day he took his mother and his wife to the local club for race day, I only found out when someone I know there told me. He did not own up to it at the time when I confronted him, he made up another story. He confessed to me later. Just before I left for the second time. When I returned again because of his pull over me (he told me that I would always attend functions and that he was sure he loved me)This was just after Christmas and I had already decided to go as his wife was going to be a part of Christmas - he bought her a christmas present also He also lied to me about his whereabouts - he was having dinner and lunches with his wife and children and they went christmas shopping together without me knowing. During this time the children, his mother and his wife were sending me nasty texts, telling me to leave town, they hate me etc. His response to this what that I was too sensitive and that they were only words. When I spent Easter in Melbourne for a break with my independent 25yo son, on my return I found pantys in his bed, earrings in the side draw, he said his wife must have planted them there. Due to the stress of all these issues for the past 18 months I started drinking and when he was also drinking these unresolved issues would come up and they was some violence at this time. He is on a dvo order, but I blame myself for the situations that arose as well as often I would be angry when drinking.He is stronger than me though and I would come off second best. In the past few months he has been trying harder, I have given up my job and I am now working for him and I have increased his business by quite a bit but I relie on him to pay me commission. He does cover all other costs though but I still feel vulnerable.
The wife has now found someone to date, but still calls upon him at a moments notice to pick up his daughter or to help her with something else and he has usually complied. If his daughter does not get her own way she will call and call and call and cry etc etc. until she does. At one time my partner and I had to hide in the unit as his daughter and wife were banging on the door to confront me. He use to discuss our relationship with his wife and also told the family about the three times there was violence and they of course blame me - it gave them the perfect excuse to hate me. I keep on keeping on through all of this, the children are now somehow ready to see me since now the wife has a boyfriend and it suits her, I think so I will be babysitting whilst she is out with her boyfriend. Just last weekend I went to my partners brothers 30th birthday, the wife was of course there and I was told that this time I could attend. It was uncomfortable, she flirted with him and rubbed me on the shoulder as she walked by after I saw her doing it. My partner smiled at her whilst she was flirting. His family still have a solid relationship with his wife and will invite her to all family functions even though my partner and I will not go if she is there. He tells me that he can't tell his family what to do.
After the 30th I had been so stressed about the situation I feel that it has just exhausted me this week, the next day also is when she wanted him to pick up his daughter without notice because she had decided to stay at the Casino. He didn't pick his daughter up and left her with his mother who has already agreed to babysit his daughter. The wife then sent abusive texts, the daughter got very upset and his mother phoned to him to tell him that he looked disgustng the night of the party and if he didn't do something to change that she would never speak to him again.
I feel like I am going crazy, this situation has zapped all of my strength, my partner hears me but is never able to provide me with any option that isn't a bandaide, he wants me to be strong and just continue on. I miss being able to be part of an extended family but there is no room for me. It is hard to now start trying for a better relationship with his girls given the abuse I have had over the past 18 months, I just don't trust any of them. I have spent most of the day in bed, I am totally exhausted and depressed. I have written alot but I have left out other things that have just kept adding up to kill my enthusiasm for life, my trust in him and any hope really to be happy right now. I think I have hit depression.


janeyc's picture

Nightmare situation, dirty

Nightmare situation, dirty unrealiable man, a bitch who thinks because they were together once can go after your man, even if she did plant those earrings what the hell was she doing in the bedroom, if I was your Mother I would drag you off to my house and not let you see him again, how ever old you are, this situation is terrible, you are now beholden to your partner for a roof and a wage, this ex wife sound unbalanced and with low morals, no wonder sd is prone to outbursts with a mother like that, take control back, leave him, that dirty bastard was unfaithful to you, he only told you because the guilt became so bad, he only confessed to make him feel better, don't you feel that you deserve better than this, it sounds to me as though you have a kind heart and you deserve so much better than this, well now is the time to get away from him and his family.

vness66's picture

Thanks for your reply. I have

Thanks for your reply. I have really no-one to talk to anymore. I can't bring myself to confess to my friends who are interstate that I am back with him again. So, I can't phone them for support and advice. I do feel stuck at the moment. I am in my 40's and have allowed myself to be dependent on him, I couldn't stay at my job anymore due to stress as it was a very demanding role and I just wasn't coping. I have been in bed most of the day due to the indecision that I feel. On one hand he's telling me to get strong and he will handle things and that I am making a choice to feel depressed and convincing me that we have a future. On the other hand I know that he has never handled anything well before and he will probably just keep things from me so I dont know what's going on. He wont get a divorce either until our relationship is perfect he says, our issues though are because of his wife, mother and daughters. He has always been able to convince me to have faith in him despite my underlying feelings that he is just good an convincing me of things. At one point, when I was having trouble forgiving him for sleeping with his wife, his explanation was that it wasn't that bad as they were still married and he has slept with her for a long time. He keeps telling me now that he wants to do the right thing by me, but I can't let go of what he is capable of. I have organised a storage unit so I can move my boxes out of his room. This is one step I have taken so that I am a bit more secure if I want to exit. I would have to do it quickly as i know he would convince me not to. I have many bills at the moment, and have been trying to look for work again, trying to get back on my feet and get my self-esteem back but he is unhappy about this as he said I have now commited to his business. You are spot on, I know it. I just didn't want to confront the reality as it hurts.

janeyc's picture

Well a huge step in

Well a huge step in reclaiming your self esteem is to leave, he sounds toxic to me, years ago I was in a relationship with an utter bastard, he slept around hit me and was totally unreliable, but he was lovely at first, slowly but surely, he got me away from friends and family and then took all my confidence, this is what your bf is doing, make no mistake he is a piece of shit, he will destroy you and you will never be happy again if you stay with him, strong words but true, just think how lovely it would be to be with someone who treats you right? He has programmed you to feel weak so you don't leave, so you put up and shut up, take your power back and leave!!! Im always here if you want to chat

vness66's picture

Thank you I needed to hear

Thank you I needed to hear some straight advice. I have been gradually declining in confidence and freedom. He put his knuckle into my chin the other day and kept pressing until I cried. He told me I hit out at him first but I didn't, he almost had me convinced again that it was my fault. Thanks for sharing your experience, it's helped me to get some clarity. I only have him to refer to right now.

janeyc's picture

Yes he will convince you that

Yes he will convince you that things ocurred differently than they actually did, he will rob you of your sanity/self respect/free will, have you looked at some web sites about controlling men? Imagine you are looking at yourself when you are sad, now hug yourself and tell yourself everything is going to be ok now, you will look after yourself and not let yourself be hurt by him or anyone again. Im really worried about you, I mean it when I say Im here anytime you want to talk x

vness66's picture

Thank you for your support. I

Thank you for your support. I know I have someone to talk with if I need to. He is sitting at another computer away from me running his business at the moment. My emotional pain doesn't seem to affect him at all. I will look at some of these sites now. I am down on myself for getting into this and coming back time and again, I want to feel the strength I had only a year ago.

janeyc's picture

Well I suspect that he is

Well I suspect that he is well practised in this, when you fall in love you don't expect this to happen and by the time you do realise the damage has been done, Im a nice person and I was totally unprepared for what happended to me, I went back time and again as well, he would tell me what I wanted to hear, you can have my email adress if you like, if you leave, where will you go?

vness66's picture

I have family in Melbourne,

I have family in Melbourne, but I have my possessions to sort out here first. Half are in this unit and half are in his friends garage. I am moving them into my own storage unit this week. If I leave and go back to Melbourne it will be for the last time. I have nothing left. I think if it wasn't so hard to organise and I felt stronger I would have left earlier. I stay because if I say I am leaving during the process of packing he has convinced me again to stay as the prospect of organising and moving is just so overwhelming. I will be starting again and I would have liked it to work out with him, but the reality is that I don't see it happening. Too much has happened so far, I have no trust in him at all and that affects me also. I will feel in a stronger position once all my possessions are under my control and can be shipped to me.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I understand what you are

I understand what you are feeling and how hard it must be for you to leave however, leave you must. Please talk to a GP and get some help for your depression. Lying in bed unable to find any enthusiasim for life is not a good sign. He will not change and you know that. He has cost you everything and now you are going to let him cost your son his mother. How is that fair to your son. Do you think your son deserves this. If you will not leave for yourself, leave for your son. If you are referring to Melbourne, Australia then their is a welfare system in place here to help you get back on your feet, you held down a good job once, you can again.

What you are dealing with is domestic violence, and there are places you can go to for shelter and they will help you find housing or perhaps you could stay for your son for a short while till you get on your feet. There are lots of things you can do, but there is only one thing you cannot do - You cannot stay in this situation. Please do something to help yourself NOW. All the best.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Double post

Double post

emotionaly beat up's picture

Double post

Double post

janeyc's picture

Thats right, maybe you hav'nt

Thats right, maybe you hav'nt left before because you hope things will get better? I think I did that. I wish I could see his stupid face when you tell him, btw I think you should have someone there when you tell him, when you go to your family, do tell them what happended, don't be surprised if they get angry, you need time to heal, don't be afraid to ask for help.

vness66's picture

I will speak with a Dr.

I will speak with a Dr. tomorrow, I have been contemplating getting some anti-depressants. I hope this will improve my general energy levels. I was seeing a counsellor but he thought it was weak of me and that I didn't need it, so really in the end somehow convinced me to stop. I am going to get back in touch with her as I know I need to. This depression has hit me all of a sudden like a brick wall. Thank you for your help this evening, talking helps a great deal.

janeyc's picture

I've taken anti-depressents

I've taken anti-depressents and they do help, if you've never taken them before, they can make you feel worse for a few days, but then they do help, I suspect that when you leave you will feel much better, but then you will think about everything that has happended, its hard to process, but don't hide from it and get all the help you need, as for seeing a counsellor, it is not weak, if you had a broken leg you would'nt refuse treatment for fear of appearing weak would you? You've have been through something terrible, a lot of people would not have handled half of what you have, be strong and you have a wonderful future ahead of you, Would it be possible for you to leave when he was out?

herewegoagain's picture

OK, sorry, I didn't read the

OK, sorry, I didn't read the whole thing...but I did get to "he was texting me while next to his wife in bed" WTF? I hope you are not asking any questions about what you should do with this ahole??? RIGHT? You know he has no respect for you, right? You understand that a man that does that to you ONCE, will ALWAYS do it...right? OK, that's all I have to say.

OH yes, move on if you haven't already.

whatsup

vness66's picture

He explains things away so

He explains things away so well. I was confused about what was/is really going on. Thank you to all who responded. It has given me so much more clarity and conviction.

Poodle's picture

the depression that has hit

the depression that has hit you like a brick wall, has got big white letters painted all over the bricks: "The End". In that wall, there is a door. On that door, there is a handle. Turn it, go out, close it behind you and don't bother ever speaking to or explaining a thing to this PIECE OF RUBBISH. In one or two months alone, you'll be embarrassed he even convinced you with his crappy lines. This is my favourite: "He wont get a divorce either until our relationship is perfect". Think about how ironic that is, vness6! First of all it sets him up to never have to get a divorce because the one thing he is good at (I'll give him that) is saying you're not perfect. Second of all, think about it, he only has to make the relationship imperfect to keep married to his wife and keep you accepting that. And, how exactly does he make the relationship imperfect? Oh yeah, by hitting you, cheating on you, lying to you and ripping you off financially. DUH...........
vness6, that door has a golden handle. Turn it and get on with your wonderful escape from hell. Laughing out loud

It's nothing personal.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Please Vnessa66 listen to

Please Vnessa66 listen to Poodle, actually do more than listen to her, follow her advice she is telling you the absolute truth here. Organise your stuff to be moved as quietly as possible, tell him nothing, just leave a note if you need to do that to make YOU feel better, but don't do it for him. He does not deserve it. Antidepressants may be in order for you, and if you take them in conjunction with counselling I am sure you will be a whole lot better within a few weeks. However, the fact that "he" said you were weak for seeing a councillor is just his way of making sure you don't get better, he needs to keep you right where you are. Please take Poodle's advice and do as she says. I wish you all the best. By the way, do not sugar coat if for the doctor. Tell him excatly is going on, everything.

janeyc's picture

I agree telling you that

I agree telling you that counselling is weak, is his way of keeping control of you.

vness66's picture

I have had some time to

I have had some time to myself today, so contacted my counsellor and spoke to her over the phone. I am forming an exit plan. I feel guilty about deceiving my bf however I know that if I tell him he will want me to leave without anywhere to go tonight. I don't feel I have any other option other than to work towards securing myself to leave without saying anything. I have also been reading about controlling and abusive relationships and feel that I'm experiencing what sites refer to as learned helplessness, where I have just been frozen for quite a while with no confidence to do anything. Bf has made me feel that he is superior to me in everyway, can't do anything better than him etc. and that my life would be empty without him. I know I have some hard things to do in the next few weeks.

janeyc's picture

My God don't feel guilty, you

My God don't feel guilty, you have been treated terribly, he is a grade a arsehole, you need to ensure that you are safe, after his recent behaviour, do what you need to, you know he has trained you well, you need to shrug him off and all his influence, if he was any kind of man there is no way he would have treated/talked to you in that way. Now look forward to a better future without idiot and easy knickers.

vness66's picture

Thank you, it was the support

Thank you, it was the support that I got from you janeyc and others that woke me up totally. I had been second guessing myself for so long. He is very good at manipulating me, but as he talks now I try and recognise what he is saying and why he is saying it. I have told him I am looking for part-time work just to suppliment working for him and that I can do the same amount of work in the business also. I have to do my resume and look on-line for employment so I am trying to cover my bases. He's not happy about this but has digested it O.K. He has had an employee/gf receiving comission who can earn more than twice as much as what I am getting (spasmodically) and speaking about the business as if it is also as much mine. The reality is he could rip the carpet from under my feet anytime he wants to and he would keep the money I have worked very hard to bring his way in his 'company account/personal wallet', he is already speaking about buying himself a new car and has purchased a new laptop and other gym equipment through the company budget, he also recently bought his daughter a car(second hand) - so I don't think the laws about company money apply to him. I feel some loss as I would have liked this to work out, but I know in reality I am only in for more heartbreak if I stay here.
I have finally made up my mind and I wont let anything shift me from my goal now. I will be seeing my counsellor regularly to ensure I don't get trapped again.

janeyc's picture

That is wonderful, when I met

That is wonderful, when I met my ex the violent controller, I thought of myself as a bright, confidence and fairly intelligent lol, I thought it could never happen to me, well it did, after I got free, I beat myself up for being stupid but he was well practiced at what he did, Im sure he had done it many times, once you get free, please just be happy, this has happended many times to all sorts of people, I just want you to look forward and not feel that any of this is your fault, he would have quickly found out your weaknesses, he propably saw your kind heart as a weakness and used this for his own means, if I was your fairy godmother I would turn him into a toad, perhaps you could keep him in a jar or something, now what would I turn bm into I wonder?

Poodle's picture

Don't feel guilty about

Don't feel guilty about deceiving him. First, he has deceived you so you're quits. Second, dishonesty is OK if it is to prevent serious crime. This guy has been committing serious crime against you. Good idea not to let on that you are planning to leave but also, bear these things in mind. First of all do not apply for jobs etc on a computer or telephone or leaving paperwork that he has access to. He will either guess what you are doing or he will even try to sabotage the job applications by badmouthing you or harassing you there. You do not want him to know your future place of work. Next, be ready for this. Once you have moved out, you will get either violence and harassment (including by the ex wife) or you will get him going on his knees, begging, threatening suicide, becoming ultra romantic and so forth. Changer your mobile and email details. Warn friends and relatives not to give him contact info. Notify local police. Research and recognise thesebehaviours for what they are, disguised forms of control. Avoid every one of them and do not respond. Remember all those fairy stories and legends about people who walk along a dark path and don't look back, and don't deal with people calling them from the sides, and don't stick the beheaded head back on the person who's had it chopped off? Be like those characters because those stories demonstrate for you how to exit a dangerous but addictive/seductive man's life. Walk straight on and look straight ahead.
We're thinking of you on this site. Do it for your future please -- you're still young and have a great life ahead of you. Get this dog mess off your feet.

It's nothing personal.

vness66's picture

Thank you poodle, at this

Thank you poodle, at this stage he could try to swoon me, which is what has been happening because he senses I am not happy and is putting in a bit more where needed. As hard as it is and as much as he has worked on me before I have the experience of it never being real or true and I am hanging onto that to get free. With every nice gesture I think of what he has done before and dont get sucked in yet again. I will keep doing this until I have it set up to leave, it will never change, I know that now. They're good but I am adament that this is it for me. I will do all of the above and thanks for your advice.

janeyc's picture

That sounds good, now you are

That sounds good, now you are helping yourself, every action now is geared towards you leaving, do what you have to, when you leave you will have mixed emotions, you may miss him when you think of the goods times, just follow that memory with a bad one, it worked for me, you will be stronger for this, you have been so strong for keeping it together this long and you can continue to be strong, have you told your family what is happening?

staying calm's picture

Please make sure to let

Please make sure to let someone within your family know what is happening. I don't wanna be "that person" but someone close to you, close in relation and proximity needs to be aware of the possibly dangerous situation you are in. Let's be real. He is already violent with you. But he's been able to control you so far. If he feels like that might end the violence might escalate. Have someone with you when you leave.

Do you want me to mess up your pizza face?!

Orange County Ca's picture

Why are you still there?

Why are you still there? Run.

vness66's picture

I spoke to a family member

I spoke to a family member last night and I was more honest about what has been going on. Yes, he would be upset if he knew I was leaving and turn on me so I am being careful but getting ready at the same time. I wont tell him until I am gone so he can't convince me to return or get nasty. Looking for work right now and once I have something that will provide me with an income I will make a move.

janeyc's picture

Could you not move in with

Could you not move in with your family before you find a job, starting a new job in the situation you are in is not a good idea, you are under so much stress, what will he say when he knows you are looking for a new job? You need to move in with your family and go from there, I think you need a rest in safe and secure surroundings, I think you should phone the police and a shelter for advice about leaving and tell them the date that you are leaving. Gosh I sound bossy, It's because I am worried about you, when I left my ex he threatened to kill me so I know that you have to be so careful. When people like your bf lose their power they act unpredicatably, he may cry and beg you to stay or become violent.